Getting my own place in Maui!!

[Frenchy]

Originally Posted by hazelrunpack

If the city doesn't have it's own Bar

now now Hazel, I don't think Heidiho needs to go to a bar right now


sorry, couldn't help myself.

[heidiho]

That is funny,a stiff drink would probably do me good,but truthfully drinking was never my thing,dont think i have had a drink since new years eve..

[Mahealani770]

Hey there Heidi,
I've been keeping up with your story and I've gone back a few pages to try and catch up but I seem to be missing something. The last I heard, you and Mark were back together and you weren't going to move out and you had a week clean. Now it looks as though you might be back on the pills and moving out and have an apartment lined up. Can you fill me in on what happened? I'm praying for you

[heidiho]

Long story short i relapsed,lied over and over to mark about it,was lookin for a place to live,but we keep going back and forth on that,he talked to his mom and she gave him a better understanding that i am not doing this to get him mad or whatever,that it is something that most people do need help with,and relapse is part of the whole thing,i did find an apt i can afford,and i had a feeling once he knew i was really gonna do it,it would hit him and it has and he is willing to go to classes with me and help me with it,he said the most touching thing the other night,we were talking and he said"I promised your parents i would take care of you and that is what i am gonna do."It was so sweet.I told him i will either ask the doctor to get a copy of the drug tests i will have to take or i will find an at home drug test kit,because that is the only way i can get him to start trusting me again,my word is no good right now,and i want to do this for him.Then we are gonna go have my name put on the title of the condo,so i feel more a part of it.I am sure some people might be tired of this whole story,cause one minute i am moving out and the next i am not,but deep down i dont want to lose him,and all i wanted from him was understanding that it is like any other disease(except it is one brought on by yourself,80% of the time though it starts as a kid,it did for me)and no one would choose drugs over their family.

[Lukka'sma]

Whatever happens Heidi you have my best wishes and if you manage to stay clean...that's great...if you relapse...maybe the next attemp will be the one to keep you clean. I have never had to deal with any kind of addiction so I wont even pretend to know what it is like for you to cope with. It is good to hear that Mark is going to stick by you and try and work this through. The best of luck.

[hazelrunpack]

That is so great, heidi, that Mark is willing to help you with this! Oh, I wish you the best of luck in this whole horrible ordeal. But the bigger your support group, the better your chances, no? So you keep leaning on us and stay honest with Mark and you'll pull through!

[heidiho]

Thank you,i know i can do it,i have before,i can only explain it like this,once you relapse it is like you are right back where you started from.Like they say One is to many and a thousand is never enough.So true,and each time i tell myself ok this time i can control it,yeah right,never works that way..They say it takes at least a year to be in a good place with it,that scares me,cause i have yet to get a year sober.

[hazelrunpack]

Originally Posted by heidiho

Thank you,i know i can do it,i have before,i can only explain it like this,once you relapse it is like you are right back where you started from.Like they say One is to many and a thousand is never enough.So true,and each time i tell myself ok this time i can control it,yeah right,never works that way..They say it takes at least a year to be in a good place with it,that scares me,cause i have yet to get a year sober.

The past means nothing, heidi. Everything is new, forever. It is always the first time. This is the start of that sober year!

[chico2]

Heidi,I am sooo happy Mark is trying to help,I never liked the idea of you and Roxy alone in an empty apartment.
Give Mark a chance to help,if he blows the odd time,it's understandable...it's very difficult to be an addict of any kind,but it's also very difficult to be the caregiver and supporter,I know from experience.
So,it takes understanding and love from both of you.
I am hoping,once you feel a little more secure at home and with Mark,it will be easier to fight this demon

[heidiho]

I am really relieved he is to,i want to get my head on straight before we decide to spilt up,i think all our issues stem from this,and i am glad i get this chance,then if it didnt work out at least i would know it wasnt from being on drugs.

[heidiho]

Hey doing good,went to meeting,appt w/doctor about medication for opiate craving,me and mark are getting along good,nothing else to report.

[hazelrunpack]

Heidi, that is absolutely wonderful news! Keep up the good work!

[chico2]

I was just about to ask where you were,was a little worried,but I am relieved things are working out

[heidiho]

Im here,wasnt here monday,going pretty good,really dont like n/a meetings,to depressing listening to people,they say they are happy but it doesnt sound like it,sounds like a battle you will have for life,and i hate that.

[hazelrunpack]

Better to have a battle to fight all your life than be dead somewhere from an overdose At least you've chosen your battle now and know what you need to do. So many people never learn that lesson.

[Frenchy]

I'm glad things are going better Heidiho.

[heidiho]

Thank you,someday i will be back to where i was when i first got here to maui.

[hazelrunpack]

Originally Posted by heidiho

Thank you,someday i will be back to where i was when i first got here to maui.

You absolutely will!! And then it'll only get better from then on!

[Mahealani770]

How's it going Heidi?

[heidiho]

Its going good,mark just called me he is getting 2500.00 to do a painting for someone he is working with,also doing 5 paintings to show the lady that runs the Wyland art galleries,if she likes them she is gonna hang them in the gallery in Oahu,i go to doctor this week,will let you know what happens,momma cat that i take care of has an eye problem again gonna see if vet will give me meds without bringing her in,and roxy well there are no words to describe her,she is the best sweetest most fun pet i have ever had..We love her more everyday.

[Frenchy]

So things are looking up Heidiho ?

[chico2]

Heidi,I was almost afraid to ask,glad Mahealani did..
Sounds good that Mark has work to do again,hopefully the gallery thing will work out,maybe one day his paintings will be worth millions
You sound upbeat and I hope you are,it's not easy fighting a demon,I am sure..
Hope you get some meds for momma-cat,eyeinfections can turn nasty and Roxy,well,what's there not to love

[heidiho]

Yeah things are pretty good,yes still fighting the wanting of the vics,so timing is good with going to the doctor.I am gonna call vet today,poor momma,it is like this wet,goopy looking stuff in the corner of her eye,like where people have sleep in their eye,i cant see anything like a scratch it is the same eye as last time to ..And your right what can you say about roxy,i love her so much it is crazy,i love watching her grow up she becomes sweeter and does the funniest stuff,we just love hangin out with her,and maybe mark will really do well at this and i can get more kitties,well if roxy would allow.

[heidiho]

Well today i go to doctor thank god cause i am about to cave,i am really nervous because i feel like once i do this,i dont know,that it really will be all over forever taking vics,i know sounds bizarre,part of me doesnt want to let go.I feel DIFFERENT not on them,like i dont fit in,not normal,cant relate to people that are happy-sober,..So will let you know tomorrow how it went..

[Dog Dancer]

Good luck at the Dr. Heidi. Don't feel strange or out of place. You are your own person and given time you will find your comfort zone without the drugs. Just try to look at yourself through Roxy's eyes when you feel out of whack - in her eyes You are "Queen Heidi" best in the land! Go with that!

[heidiho]

I know it will come in time.I just cant believe there really is something out there that can stop these damn cravings but i have heard great things about it,here is a PERFECT article about it.

Opioids & the Brain
Sometimes, the best way to begin correcting a problem is to step back and examine why that problem exists in the first place. Whether the person struggling with opioid dependence is you or someone you care about, understanding this disease—what causes it, what contributes to it, and why it persists—is a key to being part of the solution.

The information here is provided to help explain and make some sense of opioid dependence, so that you feel better equipped to undertake, or help someone else undertake, the necessary steps toward treatment and recovery.

The Potential for Addiction
Why Opioid Dependence Is a Disease
Role of Medicine in Treatment


SUBOXONE is not indicated for the treatment of pain. People with a clinical need for pain relief should not be transferred to SUBOXONE.

The Potential for Addiction

Rewarding survival behaviors
The human brain is designed to promote behaviors it recognizes as directly linked to its survival.1,2

Basic life functions—such as eating and sex—stimulate receptors in the brain's "reward circuit" to release dopamine, a chemical that produces an intensely pleasurable feeling known as "euphoria."1,2

It doesn't take long to learn that certain activities will be "rewarded"—that is, that they will prompt dopamine release and pleasurable sensation. This positive reinforcement is the brain's way of encouraging behavior important for survival.

Triggers
In addition to functioning as a reward, dopamine is also the brain's way of ensuring that the experience itself will not be easily forgotten. Dopamine release activates the areas of the brain involved in memory formation to record details about the environment where the event occurred.3

Which details the brain chooses to record can range from the obvious (where the incident occurred, who was there) to the obscure (a billboard passed on the way, the temperature outside). There is no way to know ahead of time what details the brain has stored. But whatever they were, when those circumstances are encountered in the future, they will trigger memories of the good feelings produced by dopamine, and, often, a desire to recreate that experience. The technical term for these memories is "conditioned associations," but most people familiar with opioid dependence refer to them as "triggers."3

Tricking the brain
The act of rewarding (also called reinforcing) a behavior increases the chances of its being repeated. This is why the most important behaviors to reward are those related to survival.

By coincidence, some drugs have molecular structures very similar to those of chemicals that naturally occur in the body. This similarity allows the drugs to activate the reward circuit, stimulate dopamine release, and cause euphoria.4

One result of this euphoria is that drug-taking behavior is rewarded, thereby increasing the chances that the behavior will be repeated.4

Another result of this reward is that the brain begins to think drug-taking is actually necessary for survival. To the brain, just the fact that an activity is rewarded at all means that activity must be important for survival.4

The ability to activate the reward circuit accounts for some drugs being viewed as potentially addictive.2

Opioids are among those drugs capable of activating the reward circuit to release dopamine and reinforce drug-taking behavior.

However, most people who use opioids do not become opioid-dependent.5 This suggests that, while the reward circuit is responsible for opioids' addictive potential, opioid dependence most likely involves additional factors.

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Why Opioid Dependence Is a Disease
Opioid dependence is a chronic brain disease caused by complex, long-term, changes in the structure and functioning of the brain.6,7 The significant changes to brain "circuitry" common to opioid dependence have led physicians to classify it as a disease that interferes with normal brain functioning7 (for more on this subject, see Dependence vs Tolerance).

Most brain diseases are linked to a distinct behavioral symptom—for example, Alzheimer's disease is linked to memory loss, schizophrenia is linked to mood changes, and opioid dependence is linked to compulsive opioid use.3,6

While a portion of opioid-dependent patients may have elected to misuse opioids at some point, this does not mean their condition is not the result of disease. Consider the following:

1. Many chronic diseases either begin or are made worse by (or both) patients' choices—for example, decisions about diet and exercise directly contribute to such common illnesses as high blood pressure, heart disease, and diabetes.8
2. Regardless of whether patients' opioid use may have begun willingly, once opioid dependence takes hold, drug use is no longer voluntary.7
3. Although opioid dependence is preceded by repeated use of higher and higher doses of opioids, opioid use is actually only one of several factors that causes this disease—opioid use will not "become" opioid dependence all by itself.3,5

Compulsive drug use
Opioid cravings and opioid withdrawal are both very powerful drivers of drug seeking and use.3 However, only opioid cravings are tied to compulsive drug seeking and use. Furthermore, the intensity of cravings can drive compulsive opioid use even though a person is not physically dependent on opioids and is not experiencing any withdrawal symptoms.2

Cravings also seem to be one of the last symptoms of opioid dependence to go away completely. This persistence is most likely a reflection of the time needed for the brain to heal itself and restore some degree of predisease normalcy.7 Opioid cravings can occur months and even years after a patient's last opioid use. Their suddenness and intensity can put patients' at risk for relapse.2

Why opioid dependence affects behavior
In addition to the reward circuit (see Rewarding survival behaviors), the brain has other ways to help ensure its survival. For instance, in response to a threat, survival is always the brain's No.1 priority. In a crisis, certain sections of the brain "take over."1 This is the origin of the "fight versus flight" response as well as the drives for sex and food, among other things.

The behavioral changes seen with opioid dependence may be explained by the result of a combination of different influences. One of these factors may be the brain's "belief" that opioids are related to survival (see Tricking the brain). Another point to take into account is that, by the time a person develops opioid dependence, his or her brain can no longer function normally without opioids.3

Under these circumstances, the motivation to obtain opioids comes from 3 places: ticle on how and what it does to your mind,..

[heidiho]

I like reading # 2-that is the part mark just didnt understand..And ROXY,man i am out of words for how much i love her,she amazes us everyday by doing something new..

[Frenchy]

Good luck at the doc Heidiho , hope this helps

[hazelrunpack]

I hope all went great with the doc, heidi! Thinking about you!

[rainbow]

Good luck at the doctor's Heidi.