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Old July 23rd, 2004, 03:46 AM
trescanis's Avatar
trescanis trescanis is offline
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Join Date: May 2004
Location: Fraser Valley BC
Posts: 154
Congratulations on the adoption of your new human!

Congratulations on the adoption of your new human!

Humans can provide you with hours of fun and entertainment, and an
almost unlimited source of tasty things to eat. However, your new human
needs love, attention and, above all, training. Remember, a well
human is a happy human, and a happy human is much easier for a dog to
live with. And manipulate.

First of all, let's go over a quick check list of things you need for
your new human:

GreenPapers or Plasticy-Card-Things.
These items provide much needed amusement for humans. They will spend
hours playing with them, worrying about them, and caressing them. Most
importantly of all, though, are the many tricks you can train your
to perform with them. A well trained human can learn to trade all of
GreenPapers for an entire sack of cookies, given proper training.

Moving Den.
A moving den is vital to the well being of all humans, as it gives them
a place to yell at other humans from behind the safety of their glass
windshields. Unlike us dogs, humans can be shy about yelling at each
other from behind the fence or front door, so the moving den (or
car/truck/van, as humans like to call them) provides a valuable place
for your new human to let off steam. Your human can also be taught to
transport you to dog parks, cafes and pet treat emporiums with just a
little bit of work on your part.

Plastic Yelling Toy.
A plastic yelling toy, or 'phone', as humans like to call it, is
essential to your new human. They will spend hours using it to extoll
your beauty to all of the other members of their pack. Remember,
that humans can become so absorbed in their talking toy that they might
neglect you, or ignore their training lessons. Learn to pull the cord
from the wall with your teeth if this happens.

Plastic Yelling Box (aka 'Computer'). See Plastic Yelling Toy for

Now, let's move on to basic training.

The first thing you need to do is teach your human to respond to basic

Mastering "The Stare" is the foundation of all good human training.
Practice it, and the world is your oyster. Or steak. Few humans have
proven to be immune to this technique, but if you happen to find
yourself saddled with one who is, feel free to trade them in for a more
tractable example of the breed.

Basic technique for the S T A R E is as follows: Corner human someplace
where they have limited opportunity for movement. For example, try
the S T A R E when your human is distracted by their plastic yelling
box, or the large-hot-thing-which-makes-food. Gaze unblinkingly into
your human's eyes. Do NOT break eye contact -- this is vital. When you
are certain the human has your full attention, signal your intent to
them with a long, soft, quietly drawn out whine.

The whine combined with the S T A R E should by now have your human
fully mesmerized. It is time for the full frontal approach, and this is
where it gets tricky. Gently place your paw on the human's leg, not in
frantic clawing motion, but rather with a calming pat. Clawing is best
left to felines and other such uncouth beasts.

Since humans are, believe it or not, actually quite eager to learn,
yours should by now be trying out various options to see just what
action it is you want them to perform. In short order, they will
begin to list off "Wanna go out?" "Are you hungry?" and other
inquisitive statements.

When they finally arrive at the trick you require them to perform,
signal your approval with a series of bum wiggles, spins and dashes in
the direction which you would like your human to go.

Be patient! Unlike us, humans can take a while to learn to respond
immediately with what you had in mind. The human 'mind' is not as
evolved as ours, so frequent and prolonged repetition of the training
session will be required. I have managed to train some in as little as
one hour, whereas it once took an entire month to train a male human to
cook me steak at 4 am.

Remember. being a dog is a state of mind. It is being able to convey to
your human with merely a whimper the statement : "You may walk upright,
but we both know who makes the rules around here, don't we?"

He is your friend, your partner, your defender, your dog. You are his life, his love, his leader. He will be yours, faithful and true, to the last beat of his heart. You owe it to him to be worthy of such devotion.
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Old July 23rd, 2004, 05:16 PM
glasslass's Avatar
glasslass glasslass is offline
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Join Date: May 2004
Location: Calif.
Posts: 4,684
LOL! This deserves 4 "bum wiggles"!
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