Things A Dog Must Remember
THINGS A DOG MUST REMEMBER
1. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.
2. I should not suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee
3. I will not roll my toys behind the fridge, behind the sofa, or under the
4. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house.
5. I will not eat the cats' food, either before they eat it or after they
throw it up.
6. I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet inthe
house when I am about to be sick.
7. I will not throw up in the car.
8. When at the beach, I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc. no
matter how good they smell.
9. Kitty box crunches, although tasty, are not food.
10. I will not eat any more Kleenex or napkins and then re-deposit them
after processing, in the back yard.
11. The nappy bin is not a cookie jar.
12. My humans' toothbrushes are for the exclusive use of my humans. If they
want me to have one, they'll get me one.
13. I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones, so
thatwhen I throw up, my people will not assume I am hemorrhaging.
14. When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down
15. We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.
16. I will not steal Mom's underwear and dance all over the backyard with
17. The sofa is not a face towel, neither are Mom & Dad's laps.
18. My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
19. I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's
license and car registration.
20. I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.
21. To avoid having a string hang out of my butt, I will not eat
mint-flavored dental floss out of the bathroom garbage.
22. I will not consider rolling around in the dirt a necessity first thing
after getting a bath.
23. I will remember that sticking my nose into someone's crotch is an
unacceptable way to greet visitors.
24. I will not hump on any human leg, no matter how attractive.
25. I will not fart in my owner's face while I am sleeping on the pillow
next to their heads.
26. I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt across the
27. I will not consider the toilet bowl a magical, never-ending water
supply, in spite of clear evidence that it is.
28. I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch when
company is here.
29. I will remember that suddenly turning around and smelling my butt can
quickly clear a room, and is thus to be avoided. Except when in-laws are
30. The cat is not a squeaky toy, so when I play with him and when he makes
that noise, it's usually not a good thing.
31. Even though he's too chicken to come on Sundays, the mailman WILL be
back and I'll have another shot at him.