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Old July 2nd, 2007, 11:27 PM
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Unhappy I was an idiot and now I'ma lonely idiot

I'm sorry to all the people I bore with my rant.

My common-law husband of five years just changed his number and told me that we would never see or hear from him again. Not just me, but our kids too.

Why am I telling you? Well, because the reg's of this board are the closest thing to friends that I've had since we've been together. At first I let my friends go because it was a new love and he wanted to spend time with me, then I couldn't talk to them anymore because he was always jealous. I gave him everything, I let go of all of the things that I loved, I gave up my job, it made him nervous me working around the youth, I stopped calling my friends and people stopped wanting to hang out with me, even some of my closest dearest friends.

I know this is for the best, he was totally controlling, the reason he left was because I had had drinks with my neighbours. That's it.

I'm feeling terrible, and so lonely now too.

I hate myself for believing that it would change eventually.
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Old July 2nd, 2007, 11:30 PM
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Can he legally separate you from the kids?
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Old July 2nd, 2007, 11:32 PM
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OH Papmom, im sorry, but your right, things dont usually change.
You need to take back control of your life. Its the only life you have and you should live it to your fullest potential, and never EVER let anyone tell you how to live it.
Im sorry for the unsolicited advice, but you are a wonderful person who deserves happiness and respect.
Im sorry that you are feeling lonely right now,
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Old July 2nd, 2007, 11:35 PM
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he doesn't want to take the kids, he just doesn't want to see them again
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Old July 2nd, 2007, 11:39 PM
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thank you erykah, i knew he was being a jerk, and I let him, I just wanted to try so hard for our kids. I wanted them to have a family. So i let it happen.
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Old July 2nd, 2007, 11:45 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by papillonmama View Post
he doesn't want to take the kids, he just doesn't want to see them again
Sorry...I misunderstood... It's not any better a situation, though! Can he legally walk out and not help support his kids?

I'm so sorry for what you're feeling right now. But Erykah is right...you have to live your life for you and your kids and not spend too much time regretting something that wasn't right. You'll carve your own niche now and find something better!
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Old July 2nd, 2007, 11:53 PM
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Be strong!
For some reason no matter how controlling or jelous they are, it hurts when they go. I think they stip so much of who we are away that with out them we feel worthless. But you know, we arent.
He didnt ever deserve someone as caring as you.
I dont understand the making it work for the kids part, as I dont have kids, for me it was more making it work for my comfort. SO wrong.
Take care of you, and your kids,
Cry cause you need to, and begin the healing process as soon as you can.
Although none of us seem "real" as we are just words on a screen, we are here for you, I too turn to forum friends when life gets me down, less judgemental than some other people.
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Old July 2nd, 2007, 11:53 PM
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Originally Posted by papillonmama View Post
... I stopped calling my friends and people stopped wanting to hang out with me, even some of my closest dearest friends...
So pick up the phone and make amends. If they were your dearest friends, then they will always remain so and be there to support you in your time of need. I've had friends I hadn't heard from in years. But when they need me, I'll always be there for them in whichever way I can.

You have to take care of yourself and put your needs first. No one can care for you the way you yourself can. Only when you're strong can you be strong for your children. Only when you have self-love and respect, can you never again let another do this to you.

You know what? Take comfort in knowing that things can only get better, and take strength and pride that you have your children and will be there for them. Your children do have a family and a wonderful mom who had made a sacrifice thinking it was in their best interests. But that doesn't mean you've failed, this was just a life changing experience and an eye-opener. When a door closes, another opens; take advantage of this and make the best of it. Things will look up soon, you'll see. Big s to you and to your children.
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Old July 3rd, 2007, 12:21 AM
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I dont know you really, so I hope you dont mind that Im butting my opinion in. Can I just reassure you that you are way way way way way better off. I know that if you really loved him that pain of missing the companionship will be there, and thats really normal...but if he is as controlling as you say you really need to look at this as a second chance for you to be able to embrace the life that you truly want, and take it as a learning oppurtunity to never take that controlling c**p from anyone again. My friends bf was just as bad....he ended up leaving her becuase she decided to go to college of all things, lol, anyway initially she was devastated, but if it wasnt for that breakup she wouldnt be married to the wonderful guy she is now! Trust me everything happens for a reason and you will pull thru this!!!!!!
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Old July 3rd, 2007, 02:32 AM
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Get the nastiest lawyer you can afford and get spousal and child support. This person isolated you and is abuse. Anyman who can walk away from his kids is no man at all.
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Old July 3rd, 2007, 03:55 AM
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I was going to say the same thing, get a lawyer - through legal aid if necessary - and find out what your rights are. Unfortunately, he cannot be forced to see his children - maybe when things settle down, he'll change his mind - but meanwhile he is obligated to support them financially.

I think it would also be wise to seek professional support for yourself. A good social worker, for instance, can provide a sympathetic ear as well as practical advice, to help you and your kids through this. So jump on the phone today, call some agencies, don't stay isolated. I'm sure your friends will rally round when they know what is happening.

Papillonmama, we have all taken wrong turns, ALL OF US. Welcome to the human race .

Stay close to your kids, even if you can't answer all their questions right now.
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Old July 3rd, 2007, 09:19 AM
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Sure sounds like there is something else going on here with him and the best excuse he could come up with at the time was your drinks with friends. The good news I would think is that you have a chance to start a life with yourself being number one for a change and the bad news is the no-good-for-nothing so and so will likely be back when he realizes it's easier on him to have his meals made and his clothes washed.
Could be the perfect time for you to get involved with a committee that will benefit your kids, ie..shcool...library...block parent...even though your children are young they will eventually be using these services.
Every time you miss him remind yourself that you had a lucky escape and it's better to be in control of your own life than handing it over to someone else to call the shots. I hope you get the opportunity to see that you have self worth and don't need an overlord in the house. May also be the best chance you have to tell him (when he comes running back) that unless he seeks counselling and gets his life in order you can't have him back.
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Old July 3rd, 2007, 09:25 AM
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One more thing...the title of your thread gives me the idea that you almost think he was in the right to leave because you had the nerve to make a friend. He must have you in a very bad place if you believe that. Time away from that relationship will bring you back to the real world and make you start to have some self love. You deserve to know that you are a valuable person on your own and discovering that will be so exciting for you. Good luck and even though it seems like the world has ended you will be in a better place soon I promise.
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Old July 3rd, 2007, 09:44 AM
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Everyone has given such great advice so far. I don't have any advice to add, but I do want to say that you are so much better than what he let you be.
to you and anytime you need to vent, feel free to do so here.
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Old July 3rd, 2007, 09:52 AM
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I am so sorry to hear of your breakup. It must really hurt right now, but I also agree this is for the best. Take Luckypenny's advice and call your old friends, I am sure they would love to hear from you again.

Not sure if your children are his biological children, but they are better off being raised by somebody that can offer healthy guidance, not by somebody that is controlling.

Take this chance to gain control of your life, be strong and take care of yourself.
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Old July 3rd, 2007, 10:49 AM
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Thank you everyone.


I was working with people who were being emotionally abused, and I knew all of the signs, and I knew what was happening, and that's why I'm an idiot. he's a jerk for being so controlling regarding who I talk to and everything else in our lives, but, really, I should have left a long time ago. And that's why I feel like an idiot.

My kids, they love him, but they know that I love them beyond anyone else. The twins are his kids, but my eldest isn't, but I don't think she ever really felt much for him because he was always so hard on her because she's messy. Luckily she's eleven and doesn't pay much attention when people give lectures, so she doesn't even care. The twins are still so young, I think that they will adjust to the change.

I am going to try to get a hold of some of my friends, but honestly, so many years have gone by, I don't even know where to start to try to find them. Not many of my friends had phones when we were buddies, and now, maybe they don't even live in the city anymore. I have a lot of artistic friends, and they live life freely, leaves blowing in the wind.

As for the lawyer, it's very likely, but I need to wait and make sure that we're going to be okay. That we are all safe, I don't think we'll have to move, but I am going to change the locks and maybe get a bigger dog. I don't think he would do anything to me, but I also thought he loved me more than this, so I'm not really trusting my judgement right now.

It hurts that I trusted him so much and he had no trust in me.
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Old July 3rd, 2007, 11:34 AM
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I'm so sorry! I was in a similar relationship for about 5 years until 6 months ago when I couldn't take it anymore, snapped, and dumped him. Thankfully we did not have kids but it still hurts to let someone go, when you have hoped for so long that things would work out, and put so much energy into it. Now, when I look back, I just get really mad at myself for not breaking it off sooner. What a waste of 5 years! Very little of that was worth it. And all the energy that got sucked away from me, I could have done so much more with my time. Plus, the emotional abuse will take awhile to recover from, as it destroys one's self-esteem. Fortunately, most of my friends seem to have forgiven me, though I have not contacted all of them. One of these days.... Anyway, I think you might find that some of your friends miss you and would love to have you in their lives again (if you could find them). You might find, like myself, that you are much happier in time and have tons more energy. Also, I recently met someone else who is so completely different than my ex! Things are going great and I'm very much enjoying myself. Perhaps you will eventually meet someone 1000x better for you than your ex Good luck with everything!
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Old July 3rd, 2007, 12:25 PM
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I will not say I'm sorry , because I'm glad he took off. He didn't deserve you. Now you can move on with your life. I refuse to let you say you're an idiot (respect my hautoritay ) he's the idiot , not you. It can only get better from now on. We are here for you
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Old July 3rd, 2007, 01:18 PM
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I know exactly what you're talking about - I am in a very similar relationship myself, but no children. I too have let many friends go by the wayside to keep the man happy. You have to focus on the future now and feel free to vent and cry to us all you want. I understand how you feel the regulars on the board are your friends now - and we are here for you. Be strong and do make sure you get some legal advice. You and the children are entitled to support from him. It's nothing personal - it's just reality so let him have it.
I'm so sorry for you to be going through this, but everyone else is right. He made the mistake. You just gave him everything and there's no shame in that, you aren't the first nor will you be the last woman to do this for a man. I know I've said to friends about my fellow - don't think you can change a man unless he's still in diapers. We learn some hard lessons in life, but the challenge in them is learning the lessons and then moving on. Good luck to you, be strong and don't let the guy come back - he doesn't deserve you.
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Old July 3rd, 2007, 01:35 PM
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This is a very difficult time for you I'm sure but, could it be that you have been given a new opportunity to develop a new life for yourself and your kids? I do believe that things happen for a reason and perhaps you are now ready to live the life you really want - and now you can do it without strings attached! Go for it - be happy, be positive, and know that all is well!
Every time one door closes - another opens and it's up to each of us to walk through that door..
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Old July 3rd, 2007, 02:03 PM
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RUN Papmama! RUN!! You're free!!
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Old July 3rd, 2007, 02:04 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by papillonmama View Post
I'm sorry to all the people I bore with my rant.

My common-law husband of five years just changed his number and told me that we would never see or hear from him again. Not just me, but our kids too.

Why am I telling you? Well, because the reg's of this board are the closest thing to friends that I've had since we've been together. At first I let my friends go because it was a new love and he wanted to spend time with me, then I couldn't talk to them anymore because he was always jealous. I gave him everything, I let go of all of the things that I loved, I gave up my job, it made him nervous me working around the youth, I stopped calling my friends and people stopped wanting to hang out with me, even some of my closest dearest friends.

I know this is for the best, he was totally controlling, the reason he left was because I had had drinks with my neighbours. That's it.

I'm feeling terrible, and so lonely now too.

I hate myself for believing that it would change eventually.
Whenever this kind of separation comes up among my clientele, I ask them if I should congratulate them for being out of a bad situation or offer my sympathies . . . . . it's a question that surprises many but in the end, a good many say congratulations are in order as they realize they'll likely be happier down the road.

From your description, and its the only thing I would have to go on, I'd say congratulations are in order.

Best wishes down the road.

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Old July 3rd, 2007, 02:20 PM
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I agree with Rick- sounds like you made the right decision and it will all downhill now. There may be bumps in the road but you are much better off withut the stress he brought!

Good luck!!
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Old July 3rd, 2007, 03:02 PM
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what 11yo isnt messy.

my daughters father and i didnt work out. he is a jerk and doesnt really want anything to do with her.

thankfully.

my husband is the most amazing father ever. things happen for a reason. just keep your mind, heart and eyes open. Mr Right will come along, you just gotta be ready for it.

spend a few weeks crying your eyes out but get over it. you are a woman. not only are you a woman but you are a MOTHER. not just in the responsibility sense but also in the "damn you rock!!" sense!! just keep that in your heart ok?? you have flames in your hair and the sky in your eyes. no man can take that away.

-ashley
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Old July 3rd, 2007, 03:05 PM
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Also, and I haven't waded through the rest of the posts in the thread so apologies if its come up already, but the threat to never see the kids again is an attempt at control as well . . . . . his continuing contact with the kids is something you value, he knows it and he's attempting to deny you that thing of value.

Walk away.

It's not you. It's him.

Rick C
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Last edited by Rick C; July 4th, 2007 at 11:57 AM.
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  #26  
Old July 3rd, 2007, 03:12 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by papillonmama View Post
I hate myself for believing that it would change eventually.
I've been there, papmama. But don't hate yourself. Understand that all of us are bombarded with fairytales of change every day from a very early age. How many times have you watched a movie where some rude gad-about tyrant softens, falls in love, and becomes prince charming? Aren't we taught that's how it's supposed to be? It's only painful experience that teaches us that it is NOT how it's supposed to be. If it's right.. it is right from the beginning.

Chin up. Pat yourself on the back. Learn from it. And next time (there WILL be a next time!) you'll know not to settle at all. If it's not exactly what you want... then don't accept it. You're worth it.

Hugs. It's gonna be okay. Come to the forum and lean on us if you need to. I think most of us know how it feels to be lonely.
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Old July 3rd, 2007, 05:39 PM
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I have learned through life,men like this are basically cowards and very insecure,don't be surprised if he comes crawling back once again asking for your forgiveness.
I hope you have the strength to say no and try to get on with your life,in time you'll find someone deserving of your love.
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Old July 3rd, 2007, 07:42 PM
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I have learned through life,men like this are basically cowards and very insecure,don't be surprised if he comes crawling back once again asking for your forgiveness.
I hope you have the strength to say no and try to get on with your life,in time you'll find someone deserving of your love.
I agree with Chico. Don't give in and take him back as he will never change. Phone up your good friends and explain the situation to them. You WILL find someone else that treats you alot better.
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Old July 3rd, 2007, 10:44 PM
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Well, I cried last night, and I am resolved, I won't take him back, not this time, no, I've had enough and I'm happy enough alone, as I said before, I live alone with my kids, we left a couple of years ago, (I think it made this easier). This was bound to happen really, I just needed time to be really ready and do it for myself.

I'm feeling a lot better tonight, it might be because he hasn't called me at all today, and I don't want to call him, so yeah, resolve has made it much easier, and I'm thankful that you all are such understanding people, and I really appreciate all the good thoughts and grouphugs, thank you all so much.


My hydro was out so this is the first chance I've had to reply, and now that the fans are working, I'm going to bed.
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Last edited by papillonmama; July 3rd, 2007 at 10:49 PM.
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Old July 4th, 2007, 12:24 PM
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You go girl - nothing wrong with not having a man around the house for a while (or longer). I'm glad you're resolved not to take him back. He won't change. Be strong!
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