Am I being too pushy?

[dollface]

My bf's mom and sister went for a Kidney Transplant today. His sister gave the kidney.

I really want to go visit them in the hospital but bf doesn't like hospitals and doesn't want to go. I would go by myself but they are at the downtown Toronto hospital and driving downtown terrifies me and I don't have any money for a taxi. He said he would drive me to the hospital but wait in the car.

I've tried to explain to him that it shouldn't be about what he wants to do but what would make them happy and put a surprised happy smile on their faces. They have expressed that they want him to come but he is just too stubborn with his own fears to go. Last night was a silent night, and I wouldn't talk to him until he caved. Finally, he cracked a little and said he would think about it. So talking resumed.

Now his sister is saying he doesn't have to go visit but I don't think he should listen. When he had his big accident in October, whether I felt comfortable seeing him in there, I still went because it was my duty no matter how scared I was and cuz I love him. You just do what you have to do where it concerns your loved ones IMO.

I have asked him what if I ever need surgery or have a severe accident and need to be hospitalized if he would come and he had no answer and didn't want to think about it. Now he is blaming his work schedule and I said we go early in the morning and visit as long as we can before he has to drive me back home and then go to work. I think that would be reasonable. I'm not asking him to take a whole or half a day off work. He usually goes in for 10 or 11 in the morning.

Am I being too pushy? Any other ideas to make him realize that he should go?? Like I am really questioning my relationship with him. What if we decide to have a family one day, will he want to see his children being born or is he gonna be a coward the rest of his life all because of a hospital fear? I don't like hospitals either but no one said life would be easy! Someone please help

[bendyfoot]

a tough situation.

My guess would be that he KNOWS he SHOULD go, but that he is genuinely afraid. Afraid of what? Dunno: the hospital itself, the fact of his mother's mortality (and his own)? Either way, if he's reacting that strongly, it sound like almost a full-blown phobia. I HATE hospitals, but I also can make myself go when it's important. Sounds like the fear is crippling for him. I really don't know what to suggest. Have you asked him why he is so fearful of the situation?

[rainbow]

I also hate hospitals but suck it up when I have to.

Do you know why he hates hospitals? What would happen if (god forbid) something suddenly happened to his mom (or sis) while they were there and he never got to see her again .....would he be able to forgive himself?

As long as he's comfortable with that then I guess it's his decision.

[dollface]

I have asked and he just says he doesn't like hospitals and never elaborates and thinks that is a good answer. He also told me that a few years ago his Dad had a heart attack and didn't go see him in the hospital either. I guess he thinks back to that Fresh Prince episode where Uncle Phil had a heart attack and Carleton didn't want to go to the hospital and see tubes up his nose. But he heard from, I think, his sister (earlier today) that the operation went fine and everyone is doing ok. So if it's just to visit them without thinking that something could go wrong but the decor is different than the normal surroundings we usually see them in (i.e. their house) I can't see a problem but maybe my thinking is too linear?

Good point rainbow! I don't think he could forgive himself if that were to happen but since that issue isn't on the table he would probably never answer that question, unfortunately. Edit: Actually he just said he wouldn't be able to forgive himself if something did happen and he never got to speak to or see them again!

[quincymycat]

Hey Dollface,
Tough situation. I don't think forcing him is the way to go, but I think you have said all about the situation you can to him...he has to decide now. It seems these days, regardless of the type of surgery, in patient time is reduced greatly now and he will be able to see them at home likely by the weekend, providing there are no complications.
Since I was a nurse for so many years, I guess I see hospitals differently, but I can appreciate his fear of the unknown...they are scary places when someone you love is there.
Oh and thanks for the New Years wishes. We are all doing as well as can be expected!

[Melei'sMom]

***Warning...answers you may not like follow***
just my and you are always free to ignore anything you do not want to agree with...

Originally Posted by dollface

Am I being too pushy?

Yes. refusing to talk to him until he does what you want when he is afraid of hospitals is not a good way to deal with his fear.

Originally Posted by dollface

Any other ideas to make him realize that he should go??

HE needs to want to deal with it. He probably realizes he should go, but is not ready to del with the fear, and may never be.

Originally Posted by dollface

Like I am really questioning my relationship with him. What if we decide to have a family one day, will he want to see his children being born or is he gonna be a coward the rest of his life all because of a hospital fear? I don't like hospitals either but no one said life would be easy! Someone please help

He is not a coward, and I sincerely hope you have not said that to him, that can not halp and will only hurt the situation and your relationship.
This is a real fear for him. If he was not able to go when his father was there and now with his mom and sister, it is unlikely that he will be able to go in any other situation unless he decides that he needs help with his fear and seeks that help. if his fear is as bad as you have demonstated here (and I suspect it is) he may need professional help to deal with it.
At this point you have to decide if you are willing to live with his phobia the way it is, because it is not likely to ever change. If you can accept it, move forward with the relationship, knowing full well that in certain situations he is just not capable of being there with you. If you can not live with the phobia, well, only you can decide what you are going to do at this point.

I hope only the best for you both and for a speedy recovery for his Mom and Sister.

[free]

i get where your bf is coming from , i too avoided hospitals at all costs. i did learn eventually to go but it took alot. my younger daughter is the same way as i was i don't push her so long as she can live with herself after.

i see your in york region i use the go bus to get downtown as i wont drive it. if your up my way i can always pick you up from the go bus and get you home just message me.

hope your bf mother and sister have a speedy recovery

[LavenderRott]

From an old lady who, very often, has a different point of view then a lot of people here.......

I think you are being just a little hypocritical. He is afraid of hospitals and you think he is being foolish - you are terrified of driving in downtown traffic and he is willing to drive you.

His fear is no less real then yours and you are doing both of you a disservice by dismissing it.

[Marcha]

For a long time I had hospital fear that was crippling. I blanked if I was in a hospital, I thought docs and nurses were seeing some horrible fatal illness in me and would hogtie me and then I'd die in the most horrible environment I could imagine.

It took me a long time to face my underlying fears, to come to terms with it and to overcome them to the point where I can now attend births in a hospital setting. It's been a long journey.

Do not underestimate the depth of such a fear.
It's his father previously, and his mother now. He KNOWS it might be the last time he sees them (heart issues, organ transplant), and still his fear is stronger than the potential fall-out from never seeing your parent alive again. Perhaps it has nothing to do with hospitals itself, but with a deep fear of death, or a really deep fear of being orphaned or losing a parent/ being alone and the hospital is nothing more than a physical manifestation of such a fear.

What your bf needs is support, not shame and guilt. Shame and guilt will dig him in deeper. He can be of help (physical, emotional) as soon as his mother and sister are out of hospital. Sure, you would do it differently than he would. This is his way. Take it or leave it. If it were a casual acquaintance it's one thing - this is his family, the closest of kin... and he is immobilized with fear. Love him for the pain that is too large to face; don't hate or patronize him for it.

[dollface]

Thanks for the diverse feedback and that is why I asked here so no offence taken!

On some level I think I was being too pushy but because he never explains himself I get frustrated and keep pushing and I did say he shouldn't be a coward and asked why he couldn't man up and he just replied with "I don't want to go and guess I'll be a coward." But I guess after some more thinking on his part he gave me a rude reply, though I'm sure I deserved it, but has agreed to go, one short visit while they are there.

LavenderRott: The only reason I am scared to drive downtown is because it is very busy and don't want anything to happen to my car b/c my insurance is high enough.

[Macomom]

Fear is an unusual thing, huh?
These are my thoughts on it, and I pass them on to your respectfully.

My mother has some strange fears too, and I think when they get to the point where they run your life, or impact the quality of it- you need to get some medical intervention.

His sister and mother are participating in life threatening surgery and he can't bring himself to go to the hospital to see them?
I would comfortably say that this a fear which is severely impacting his life. I would have some serious questions for this guy.

What happens if you are in the hospital? Would he compromise his own health to avoid the hospital, for instance not go there to receive treatment or to have lab work etc?

Additionally, I don't understand how your fear of driving is any different. I mean I do understand fear and intimidation, but these people may need you. Plan a route, practice some detours if necessary, drive part way there as practice- but face your fear and go.

Aside from a car accident (which can happen anytime you leave your house, in a car or walking), if you drive downtown, you may get lost, people may beep at you, you may drive slowly and get the finger- but so what??

Someone you know is taking an organ out of her body to give it to another human. She could die. If there is anything worth being scared of, that is it. Celebrate the incredible strength and generosity of these people- what you are witnessing is pretty awesome and this is not something that many people are capable of.

You can do it!

[Macomom]

I posted too late!

Way to go! Seriously!

dollface, you should drive downtown as a show of solidarity and support for him. You can do this!
Hooray!

[LavenderRott]

Ouch.

Well, I can't tell you how to deal with your boyfriend - but I can ask you this....

When you told your boyfriend that you were terrified to drive in downtown traffic, did he call you a coward and tell you to grow up?

I can not imagine a single thing on this planet that would cause me to tell my husband to stop being a coward and man up.

[dollface]

Macomom, thanks for posting! I think your words are encouraging me to try and drive down there! Seriously!

If he hasn't picked a day to go or is trying to postpone it til i give up, I will update on my adventure to downtown TO.

He's been to the hospital before for like back x-rays and blood tests, when ordered by a doc.

I have a feeling if I asked him to get help for his debilitating fear towards hospitals he'd probably fight harder than he is now. But I will suggest it.

LavenderRott: No he didn't ask me that, he understands how high my insurance is and how I need my car to attend school at the end of this month. I really am trying to understand his fears, my thinking must be too linear to understand his answers. So I asked here for a wide range of advice from everyone who is very diverse here! So this thread has taught me that we probably need therapy together haha

[Macomom]

Nothing is going to feel as good as bringing your bf to see his family in the hospital. Facing your fears can be pivotal- it is so GREAT!!!
Tell us all about it! You can do it- I have faith in you dollface.

[Marcha]

Now wouldn't that be an awesome development - if you can drive your bf to his mom and sister in the hospital.

*fingers crossed*

And thank you for taking the replies in such good spirit. It says a lot about you.

[Macomom]

I agree Marcha.
dollface, I think you are brave to pose this kind of question to a forum and take the answers in good spirit.

[dollface]

I respect everyone here If I wanted to stay in my own protective bubble I wouldn't have posted anywhere lol. This forum is a BIG help and I'm glad to have joined!

And I suggested a therapist to work through his fear, he said no way. No surprise there lol. I suggested I drive him there and he said no way lol but I think he's a bit old fashioned that way too. I really think I could do the drive to TO with someone in the car with me

free: Thanks for the offer! Means a lot

[Tig's mom]

Sending get well wishes to your bf's mother and sister.

[dollface]

Originally Posted by quincymycat

Hey Dollface,
Tough situation. I don't think forcing him is the way to go, but I think you have said all about the situation you can to him...he has to decide now. It seems these days, regardless of the type of surgery, in patient time is reduced greatly now and he will be able to see them at home likely by the weekend, providing there are no complications.
Since I was a nurse for so many years, I guess I see hospitals differently, but I can appreciate his fear of the unknown...they are scary places when someone you love is there.
Oh and thanks for the New Years wishes. We are all doing as well as can be expected!

Glad everything is going well! And thanks for the advice coming from a nurse!

I got him to say yes and it's in his court now I guess. And when I said "I hope you don't try to worm your way out of this" he started laughing like I just caught him in his game. So whatever it is up to him and I hope nothing bad happens to them while they recover. *sigh*

Thank's Tig's mom! That is soo nice of you

[Melei'sMom]

I am so glad to see you took all the advice here in stride and listened to it. It takes a mature and secure person to do that and not get defensive and nasty when they are told they might have crossed the line. I have to say I had a warm glow of pride in your behavior when I read your responses.

We all have fears that we should deal with. I personaly have a couple of unreasonable fears. Moths. not other bugs, just moths. long story my mom told me when I was older about a moth on my face when I was an infant, and I am still extreme in my reaction. and the other is driving over bridges. I can walk, bike or even cartwheel over bridges no problem, but driving freaks me out. when I was about 3 my Dad was driving over the little log bridge at our place and it collapased under the front wheels of the truck and down we went into the teeny creek, the water did not even get to the door and alll that happened is i bumped my head on the dash. But I still have this fear the the bridge will collapse under my vehicle. If my DH told me to 'get over it' I would hurt him. no one wants to hear that their fear is silly or wussy. It is real to us. Support and understanding is what is needed. If you can give him that and recieve the same in return, you on welll on your way to a great relationship.

[joeysmama]

It does sound like a phobia. If he can't go to the hospital he should definitely step up when they come home. Even though his mother is the one who needed the kidney the actual surgery was likely very difficult for his siter. His mom gained a healthy kidney and his siter went to half capacity at the same time. (I had a kidney removed and that surgery is known as one of the most invasive and having the most difficult recovery...more so than some heart surgeries) Also I have a friend who donated a kidney to her sister and her sister recovered in no time while Lisa was out of commission for quite a while.

That's not to say that his mother won't need help too. But if BF can't go to the hospital then what about taking over household duties for them while they're there, shoveling, running errands and such? Meals, rides etc when they come home? They're both going to need it !!!

[dollface]

He said he would go see them for sure when they get out, they will be staying near the hospital for a couple weeks cuz they have to go back every few days. And since the visiting hours are noon til 8 pm, I've suggested he call them at least once a day instead of visiting cuz he works those hours. So not gonna push on that anymore, I just hope he will find a way to come see me if I ever have to go to the hospital for anything.

I have other fears too. And I'm glad I came here to ask, cuz y'all have made me understand that there is more going on. I hate bugs, but will kill them if I have to cuz no one else is around to kill them. I don't like dogs that jump. I've been told that when I was younger I had a bad experience with a dog and I must be blocking it out that I have no recollection of it. I think I need a hypnosis session lol.