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Old April 3rd, 2005, 10:58 AM
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TWilson9498 TWilson9498 is offline
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What do you do when....

What do you do when you have a 6 month old baby, a 6 yr old son, and a 4 yr old daughter and your husband walks out on you because you have a SMALL disagreement? Then he tells you he doesn't want to come home but he will be by to pick up all his personal things and you can have everything else? We were really happy and getting along great then he just comes home attacking me because he is working until 10 or later at night after going in at 8 am and I was upset because he's never around to help me with the kids. So he just leaves... Why? Why do people do these things? Someone help me to understand. I don't get it. I know this is totally off the topic of pets but I just needed some advice and didn't know where else to turn.
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Old April 3rd, 2005, 11:06 AM
Lucky Rescue Lucky Rescue is offline
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Oh I am so sorry to hear this!

No one walks out of a happy marriage over a small disagreement or even over a big disagreement. There is something much bigger going on here and it's likely been coming on for quite awhile.

Couples counselling may help, if your husband has any interest in saving the marriage. You need to sit down and talk and find out what is really going on, like if there is another woman in the picture. You certainly have a right to find out why this is happening.

Again, so sorry. I can imagine how devastated you must be. If your husband will not talk or go for counselling, I suggest you go on your own. This is too big for you to handle alone.
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Old April 3rd, 2005, 11:07 AM
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oh dear

I went through something similar not that long ago. You need to decide if you really want to make things work or not. He may have already decided not to, however you need to sit down and have a discussion. Lay as much as possible out on the table and say, ok, where do we go from here. Get a sitter and just the two of you go out together to discuss this. Make a list of the pros and cons of him remaining in your life. This will give you courage as well when you have your get together. If you need someone to chat with, feel free anytime.
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Old April 3rd, 2005, 11:15 AM
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OMG, I am so so sorry, this must be so very difficult for you :sad:

But I would have ot agree with Lucky, there must be someting else going on here, no one would just walks out and leave everything behind (especially your own flesh and blood children)

You need to talk to him (In a non aggressive way) to get to the bottom of this. And if he does not give you an honest answer, then this is his problem, not yours, and you have to do whats best for you and thie kids.

My thoughts are with you , and if you ever want to talk just PM me. (((TWilson)))))
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Old April 3rd, 2005, 11:43 AM
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this is soo sad. I really feel for you, and have been there.

Examine what YOU want to have happen here. Take note that you might not know what exactly that is just yet...that's o.k...you may have forgotten about yourself lately. Depression and fatigue--that we sometimes don't even realize we have--can set in and make decision-making near immpossible.


(((((((hugs)))))))) try to take care of you, even with your kids coming first(I know..)
Feel free to pm me anytime you want to chat.

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Old April 3rd, 2005, 12:05 PM
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It sounds as though he was waiting for an excuse to leave. I agree that something bigger must be behind his actions. Finding out what that "something" is, and working on that would be the key. Of course, he needs to want to work on it, and with you.

I'm very sorry this happened.
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Old April 3rd, 2005, 12:11 PM
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Well with three kids involved I wouldn’t be walking after a SMALL disagreement. Working those kinds of hours is hard and I’m sure it doesn’t leave much time for you or the kids. Seems like you are both may be missing things. To turn and walk away pretty much indicates there is or was already something bothering him.

I hope it all works out for you. Let him cool down a little and then try to address the issues. No body has to make a life changing decision overnight.

I agree – take care of your kids and yourself first.

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Old April 3rd, 2005, 12:23 PM
MegShawnMom MegShawnMom is offline
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Working 14 hours a day must be pretty tough,how long has this been going on and how long will it continue?
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Old April 3rd, 2005, 03:09 PM
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Call me a pessimist and cynical but is he really working all those 14 hours? This happened to a friend of mine-- she and her son moved to Cuba to be with the man and he walked out on her. Now, she is the total symbol for my of an independent woman. She was so tough and now she owns a house and has a great job (and a big dog). Every woman has the strength to get by without a man.

What about couples' counselling?
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Old April 3rd, 2005, 03:45 PM
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TWilson,almost the same happened to us,but I had only two children at the time...and was in a new country,absolutely devastating :sad:
There were a lot of factors,stress trying to make ends meet,long hours at work and who gets the blame,the wife and the kids!
Husbands walk out because they can,it's so easy...as mothers we probably would not ever consider it,I know I would not.
My husband came to his senses,realized he loved us and missed us,we tried again and here we are 40yrs married..
You have 3 young children,a 24 hour job and I can imagine your husband and you don't have much time for each other,by the time he gets back from work at 10pm you are more than likely asleep and exhausted.
If this does not involve another woman,get a baby-sitter,maybe even get one for the weekend,get away and talk,see each other not as mom and dad,but as partners...You got married because you love each other and that love has to be nurtured to stay alive.
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Old April 3rd, 2005, 04:10 PM
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just remember you are mum, and you need to make yourself a priority as you have plenty of ppl depending on you, sounds like your a great mum and lovely person so dont doubt that. make sure you do look after yourself during this stress, make sure you get plenty of water and dont skip meals,(i know thats easy to say but it is really important).

hate to say it but when i first read your thread the only thing i thought was 'give him a good swift kick in the privates" (hope that made you smile just a little).

hugs to you and yoru babies, we are all thinking of you
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Old April 3rd, 2005, 04:31 PM
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I am sorry to hear what you are going through!

When he comes back to "pick up his things", you should ask him for a longer answer and ask about counselling? Relationships can be tricky and I have to agree with LR - something has been amiss for awhile and it may well be that you are the one who was not aware of it. Ask him what is really going on? Can you save the marriage - that is if you want to?

Take care!!!
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Old April 3rd, 2005, 05:40 PM
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Shamrock Shamrock is offline
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I am very sorry to hear of your troubles, Twilson.
My heart goes out to you.. an awful emotional rollercoaster this brings to you.

I agree with the others. Stated intentions to end a long-term committed relationship are rarely out of the blue, even though they can initially come as a huge shock. They are indicative of something that has been brewing for some time. The small disagreement you had was the trigger that caused it to spill over.
You have very heavy commitments - three young children and his long hours of work, you must both be feeling quite taxed at times. Its so easy to miss the red flags of relationship troubles when your daily routines take so much out of you as individuals.The "couple" part can start to suffer... more and more.
I also agree that the two of you need to discuss in depth exactly what it is that has him feeling this is the only recourse. He must give you an explanation of what lead up to this and at least explore options for a less drastic solution.

The aid of a counselllor would be a big benefit, to help you sort through things. An impartial person can often really help a couple caught in behaviour patterns that they may not even be aware of.
Hard to see the forest for the trees sometimes.

If possible, some time away just for the two of you would be an excellent idea.
Relationships can temporarily be derailed - but can absolutely get back on track too. With three young children, you both certainly have a vested interest in giving this avenue every attempt.

As a mother of three grown children, I can certainly understand, recallng the strain that this time in our lives presented.
Our relationship at times was on VERY thin ice, we seperated briefly a few times. So much to worry about, and to disagree about. Tired, overworked, frustrated dealing with three kids in five years. I wasnt sure if we would make it at all. We will be married 40 years this June.

I wish you all the best and hope this will be resolved with a positive outcome for you and your family.
Be sure to take good care of yourself at this stressful time..
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Old April 3rd, 2005, 06:01 PM
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Quote:
Husbands walk out because they can,it's so easy...as mothers we probably would not ever consider it,I know I would not.
I just had to reply to that as my mom left us when I was 2 and never looked back. I was raised by my single dad and in some ways it was harder for him because he wasn't a nurturing type and he didn't have the support that the single moms had. He was the only dad I knew in that situation.

It's not necessarily the mom who stays, it's the one who is more involved and the one who puts the work in.
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Old April 3rd, 2005, 06:29 PM
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Marriage is 100/100%. Not fifty/fifty. Find him, talk, cry...plead. Make your case and listen to his. If "something" else is there, you should have known...denial is too easy. Fight for your family.
Listen a whole bunch too...

When I was young and chasing two toddlers, I forgot to listen to what was going on around me.
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Old April 3rd, 2005, 07:12 PM
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Wow! What a tough situation! Maybe he's feeling overwhelmed? Maybe there's other stuff going on as the others mentioned. Maybe he's just being a drama king and getting your attention? Regardless, take everything very seriously! Find out what your rights are and take whatever steps you need to to protect yourself and your kids. Don't allow yourself to say anything disparaging in front of the kids. They are the victims in this and will be affected in ways you wouldn't think of. If he comes back, make sure it's with the understanding that changes are made so that it won't pop up again six months from now. Counsiling, whatever. Don't let this become a power play that he repeats whenever he wants to get his way. Good marriages don't just happen. They are created by working through the difficult times. Get the communication channels flowing. Make sure he knows he can't just walk out on the kids too. He needs to take the kids for an afternoon or evening on a regular basis so that you can do some things of your own. If there is another woman, that should dampen the fires some when they have to deal with the whole man, not just the glamorous clandestine forbidden fruit! Let him know you won't just sit in your home with the kids and cry and wait for him. You are more than just Mom and the wifey. If you do work through this and get back together, the way you handle it can make your marriage stronger in the long run!
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Old April 3rd, 2005, 07:39 PM
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I am so sorry this has happened to you. I would have to agree with the others that there is something else going on besides this one small problem. I am not sure what to say but I will tell you to hang in there and remember that you will be in our thoughts and prayers. Sometimes the hardest descions are the best ones for you and your family. So sorry once again.
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Old April 4th, 2005, 02:01 AM
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TWilson9498 TWilson9498 is offline
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I lost to an...

I lost him to an 18 yr old girl who just started working at his office 2 weeks ago. See, I took a month off work, due to his request because I was getting to stressed out and working too much dealing with the kids mostly by myself because of his hours, yes I do believe he is working all those hours, as my bestfriend rides in the same van as he does all day.. He sells Kirby Vacuum's and it is a door to door business so sometimes it takes a while, not to mention they drive about 2 hours down the road and it takes a little while to get in a house then the demo is about 2 hours each time... Anyway, he called me today..FROM HER CELL PHONE.. telling me he is taking my kids away and all this nonsense.. like he really can. Come on now.. He told me SHE was bringing him to OUR home to pick up his things, I politely told him I would kill her if she showed up, needless to say she did not. He went on to tell her I was pyscho and she need not go around me, I think he was a little afraid himself, since he threatened to call the cops to help him get his things.I do not have a problem with HIM coming but when another female drives up to collect MY husbands things, there will be problems. So anyway, he did not show and neither did she, luckily for her. I however would not answer the phone as he is calling every 5 minutes just to fuss about how mean I am being about his belongings... ME? Mean? Over material things? When he walks out on his family? Give me a break!!! See, the most important thing here is the kids yes, but I am only 24 yrs old. I had my son when I was 18. So yes, it does scare the hell out of me to have them by myself. So I did what any sensible hurt wife would do, I called HIS mother. She tried to talk to her and the lil 18 yr old had the nerve to yell in the background and tell his mother to stay out of HIS business and call his mother a b****... Needless to say that triggered a flight from Cali to Alabama by the end of the week... Sounding like a Soap Oprah yet? Nope, just our life. Things sure flipped out of nowhere. He was working until about 9 every night and calling 2-3 times a day to check on his family, that all stopped on Monday night. He tells me there is no signal where he is working, and not doing any of this in front of my friend out of fear she would tell me, but he got caught when I called her and asked her questions and he snatched the phone because I could hear him in the background. How selfish can he get. I must blame her as well though, ONLY because she KNEW he had a wife and 3 kids.... Some men and some women.. I swear it makes you want to just choke someone!!!
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Old April 4th, 2005, 02:09 AM
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hmmm sounds like a right %^&*$ charmer, if he is with some stupid girl thats fine, you can do better for yourself and family. better you find out what sort of person he is now than in 50yrs when he has had time to teach your children his ways.

and the best revenge is to live a long and happy life.
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Old April 4th, 2005, 08:25 AM
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I'm so sorry this happened to you. Melanie is right, best revenge is to be happy, you need this for your children too.

This happened to my niece a little while ago, except she was PREGNANT, if you can believe that. Some people just don't think and I don't wanna say it's just the men because the woman he cheated with knew my niece was carrying his baby.

I haven't gone through this myself but what I would do is, change the locks (he did say it is your house, no?) and put his things on the porch and he can get them when he wants... of course let him know where they are and don't be home when he comes, that way there's no fuss.

Also, don't worry about him taking the kids.... I know you're young but what 18 year old is going to want to deal with your kids??? She may want to play house but it would get old real fast.
Keep your chin up!
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Old April 4th, 2005, 08:39 AM
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Change the locks, change your phone number (unlisted) and get a lawyer. Hubby has anything to say, he can tell it to the lawyer.

Either put his stuff on the front lawn and tell him when he can come, or take it to his mom's house and let him get his stuff from there.

Been there, done that (without the kids) PM me if you need a private shoulder honey, we will get you through this
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Old April 4th, 2005, 08:54 AM
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I am very sorry that your husband has put you and your children in this position. My advice would be to first call a lawyer and take his/her advice as per the laws of your state. Also, would strongly advise that as difficult as it will be, that you keep calm as possible and say and do absolutely nothing that will help your husband build a case against you. This includes any phone conversations that he may be taping - including your comments regarding his new girlfriend picking up his clothes. I would also want to change the locks, but would consult with lawyer first so that it does not appear that you have created the situation. It is not easy being the innocent party.
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Old April 4th, 2005, 08:58 AM
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Ditto .... change the locks, phone number etc.. And get yourself some legal representation so you know exactly what your rights are.
The most important thing in all this is the kids .... they are going to need lots of love and attention And always remember to take care of yourself as that will make you feel better and also have an important impact on the kids.
Take care of you and yours ....
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Old April 4th, 2005, 09:32 AM
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So sorry for what you're going through.

I can tell you that the reason he's trying to make you out to be the loonie one....he thinks it means he'll get full custody. Sorry, but I just cannot picture his 18 year old tootsie looking after 3 youngsters.

HE chose to walk. If HE doesn't want in the marriage, then HE can pay child support out the wazoo (especially if you're not working, will probably include alimony), which, by the way, he's going to with 3 small ones.

You said that you blame the 18 year old. HE knew he was married, and that is where the fault lies. HE knows he has 3 kids and a wife.

Change the locks, leave his belongings outside, do NOT talk to the tootsie, communicate through an attorney (get a female one, they're far more vicious), get support from your family and friends.

Do NOT become a doormat to him, he'll think he can just walk back in. Make it painful for him to do so.

(gee, can you tell I've been through this before????)
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Old April 4th, 2005, 10:37 AM
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OMG!!! I am soooo sorry to hear this! It makes me so angry for what you are going through!!

I don't even know what to say, except that knowing my personality, I would totally cut him out of my life. I wouldn't even think of reconciliation. In my opinion, kids or no kids, when you are married to someone, that is FOR LIFE. If my husband chose to walk out on me to be with someone else, that's it. It's done. No 3 strikes you're out bull *****! One strike, you're gone!

I can't speak for you, but you have to really re-evaluate the person you fell in love with. I'm sure you never thought he was capable of such inconsideration, but apparently, he is. Even if he came crawling back to you, would you really trust him after something like this? I know I couldn't and therefore, I'd have to cut my losses and move on. You've got 3 beautiful kids, and you need to think of them. You also really need to take of yourself, or you may end up melting down. I truly wish you the best, and whatever you decide to do, only you know what will be best for you and your children.
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Old April 4th, 2005, 11:13 AM
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I agree about getting a lawyer. But, talk to the lawyer BEFORE changing the locks. He may be legally justified in entering the home to obtain personal effects, such as clothes as these are items he would need for his livelihood.

If you deny him access to the home, then you may be opening yourself to be the nasty person, instead of him. When dealing with infidelity you must always cover your behind better than he does. Mark everything down on paper. When he calls, when she calls (if she dares), when he tries to see the children, when he enters the home when you're not there (get the neighbors to watch for you when you're not home), when he enters the home when you are home, what he takes from the home. Basically, make a journal of family activities for the future. That way, if it does get ugly (but hopefully not), you have a well documented record of what transpired.

As you can tell, I've had friends who went through this, so I'm speaking from the experiences they went through.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I also have had indiscretions happen against me, so I sympathize. Be the stronger, and better person you know you are, and make it as painless for the children as possible. (even though you want to make him a speed bump)
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Old April 4th, 2005, 01:23 PM
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Sorry to hear that. It must hurt like hell but it is he that is taking the cowards way out not you. Stick to your guns and do it all legally. You will be able to survive this.
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Old April 4th, 2005, 01:29 PM
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Reading this, just makes me soo angry...and it will definetly not be easy for you,24yrs old and 3 little ones,your husband is a completely sefish,irresponsable
moron.
I realize money will be a big worry,unless you are independantly wealthy,I hope you have family to help and stand by you.
Childsupport no matter what,will never be enough,but I do hope you can take him for all he's got.
You have a very rough road ahead,I am sure at times you are angry enough to hurt someone,but at others just cry in despair :sad:
The 18-yr old chick has no right to enter your home,there is no way she would come near my kids or home,but she is not the guilty one,your husband is,she will dump him,before you know it OMG I wish I could have five minutes with him
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Old April 4th, 2005, 02:15 PM
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I don't think you can change the tel# without giving him the new #. I believe he is entitled to be able to reach the kids. But I would get caller ID and if you don't feel like accepting his calls, that's up to you. Go for the child and spousal support - maximum amount possible. You will need it and it is his responsibility to provide for you. Don't allow him to come remove items without you being home. He could clean you out. Your attorney can require that he submit a list of the items he wants to remove and can require that a deputy be present when he does so. I doubt this little 18yo is going to be too happy to have to support his butt while he has to work to support his family. But getting involved with a married man has it's pitfalls. So does shirking his responsibilities. You can't just walk away and be free and single again. He sounds really immature! Time he learns how to be a man instead of a boy. You haven't lost much and she's getting even less. Would you want a man that behaved like this?
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Old April 4th, 2005, 02:29 PM
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Location: Veedersburg, IN
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Yes, contact a lawyer and do all through her. Woman lawyers are better when it comes to this kind of stuff. They seem to feel where you are coming from. Whatever you do DO NOT blow up at him or her no matter how much you may want to. They could be recording you or anything else. He will use anything he can to prove that you are not emotionaly stable enough to raise your kids. So hang in there and take all his stuff to his moms and let him get it there. Do not meet with him or talk to him unless you have your lawyer there. That is the only way to do it right. He will use anything please remember that. Be careful. I would not change the numbers or the locks until you talk to your lawyer because he will make you out to be the bad one. When my mom and dad went through this he let her come in and get all her clothes when we were at the store and she cleaned house. Even took our cat Fluffy which she dumped at the shelther. just took it to be mean. Hang in there and remember we are here for you when and if you need to talk.
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