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Old December 23rd, 2014, 06:56 PM
la5566 la5566 is offline
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Question Need advice on potentially giving up a cat

Hello everyone,

I apologize for how lengthy this post is! I appreciate any time you put into reading it and any advice you can give on the situation with our cats.

My SO and I are in a difficult situation with our cats and I want to solicit your advice. We are both students and found two older stray kittens playing outside our house one evening in October 2014. We took them in and searched for any owners. The neighbors confirmed that they were indeed strays. We tried to give them up to our local animal shelter but they refused to take them as they were too full. We then gave them up to another shelter further away and then had to take them back after receiving a call that they would be euthanized. No shelter in the area would take them (we attend school in a tiny town in the middle of nowhere). We decided to keep them, and got them healthy after many vet visits and neutered them both as well.

We named the two kittens Peanut and Mango and they are now 7 and 8 months old, respectively. They were playing together when we found them and have been extremely bonded the entire time we've had them. They play together all the time, snuggle together, and keep each other company.

The problem we've had is that while Peanut is absolutely lovely, Mango is a bit difficult. He is aloof and does not love to be pet, will never sit with you, and is always at a distance. He bites and scratches us too often. For example, one time I sat down by him and after looking at him for about 5 seconds, he swatted at my eyes. Sometimes he runs at us and out of the blue bites/scratches our feet/ankles/legs. He never hisses or growls, but is too bitey and scratchey.

I've grown more and more privy to the idea of giving up Mango. My thought process is: if I had seen him in a shelter, I never, ever would have adopted him because of his behavior/general aloofness. I don't want to invest the time/money in a cat that I do not enjoy, and swats/bites too often. I prefer a cat that is social, friendly, and likes to cuddle up to humans.

After warming up to the idea of giving up Mango, I impulsively visited a local shelter and adopted the cat of my dreams. She is named Lady, and she is so friendly, very playful, and not the least bit aggressive. She and Peanut have not interacted face to face yet - but we have had them play under doors/see each other while confined in separate kennels.

We definitely cannot keep three cats, but we have yet to give up Mango, and I feel terrible about it. I feel awful about splitting up Peanut and Mango given how bonded they are, but I don't feel right about keeping Mango given his behavior.

These are my questions for y'all:
1. Would it be unhealthy/detrimental to split up Peanut and Mango, given how bonded they are?
2. Would it be unwise to give up Mango before seeing if Peanut and Lady can get along well?
3. Would Mango still have a chance of being adopted given his history of biting/swatting/aloofness?
4. Am I selfish for wanting to give up Mango?
5. Any other thoughts on the situation?

Thank you for reading - I will so appreciate any and all opinions/advice you can give. Please be honest - I do want what's best for these cats and don't want to harm them.

All the best,
L
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Old December 24th, 2014, 10:14 AM
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marko marko is offline
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Hi la5566 and welcome to the forum,

here's my honest take on your questions

1 - In the short term, yes it will likely be psychologically unhealthy for both cats especially Mango. Changing owners and/or environments is extremely stressful for cats. Both cats will likely suffer from a period of depression. It will probably last for weeks to months if I were forced to guess.

2 - Yes this is unwise. From my (and many other members' perspectives) It would be best if you could tolerate and keep Mango forever. It would be OUR PLEASURE to provide you with good quality advice on how to keep Mango and possibly get him to warm up more frequently, just ask.

3 - Hard truth again - Good chance mango will NOT get adopted again.

4 - Wow you DO ask the hard questions. Good on you. There is nothing in this decision that it beneficial to the cat, it's only beneficial to you...so yes it's selfish. That said we can't all be priests or nuns...but you did ask the question.

5 - There are many things including some drugs/treatments that can calm cats down. Sometimes these things work - sometimes not. If you post again and ask - you will get good quality responses. Also, some cats take a long time to bond. My wife and I adopted my grandmother's cat years ago and it took 2-3 years for that cat to really warm up to us... so a cat's behaviour is not final...it just takes some cats a long time to warm up.

Hope that wasn't too harsh and please feel free to ask additional questions if you need to.

Good luck and happy holidays!



These are my questions for y'all:
1. Would it be unhealthy/detrimental to split up Peanut and Mango, given how bonded they are?
2. Would it be unwise to give up Mango before seeing if Peanut and Lady can get along well?
3. Would Mango still have a chance of being adopted given his history of biting/swatting/aloofness?
4. Am I selfish for wanting to give up Mango?
5. Any other thoughts on the situation?
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  #3  
Old December 24th, 2014, 01:27 PM
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sugarcatmom sugarcatmom is offline
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Location: Calgary, AB
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I have to agree with everything Marko said. For reference, I'll give you a bit of background on my situation, plus some advice on how to help Mango come out of his shell.

I have 5 cats. 2 are feral sisters from my neighbourhood that I trapped 3 years apart. They were both very pregnant when captured and gave birth to their kittens in my spare room. I fostered them for a local rescue, then ended up keeping 3 of the kittens and the moms. The rest have found lovely homes.

Because the first female, Cinnamon, was trapped when she was quite young (less than a year) it didn't take her long to warm up to my hubby and I and she absolutely loves getting pets from us. She's not a lap cat though, and you can't pick her up. If people come over, she hides in the basement. She may eventually learn to accept more "invasive" contact, or she may not. I don't care, I adore her.

The second female, Cardamom, is about as feral as it gets. She had been living on the streets for 3+ more years than Cinnamon and had eluded efforts to catch her the entire time. After her kittens were weaned, I had to decide what her fate would be. There was no way she would ever get adopted given how unsocialized she was. Most people, like yourself, want a cuddly cat, not a wild animal.

The other option was to release her back into the neighbourhood (TNR). Except that it was the middle of winter in Canada, and she'd already been inside for 3 months so it would be a bit of a shock to her system.

Instead, I officially adopted her, knowing full well that it's unlikely she'll ever be a people-cat and that perhaps the best I could hope for is that she'd tolerate my company. Over a year later and I still can't touch her, but that doesn't mean she isn't enjoying her life now, especially with other cats around to play and cuddle with. She is such a unique little being and I appreciate her on her own terms. I've got other cuddlier cats to "manhandle" when I have the urge.

So basically what I'm saying is that for now, why not just appreciate Mango for being such a good buddy to Peanut? Perhaps if you had a new outlook on Mango's presence, that he doesn't HAVE to be super affectionate to you because you can satisfy that need elsewhere, than he might even pick up on your feelings and not be so on edge around you. Cats are emotional sponges and I truly believe they reflect back whatever the feeling in the atmosphere is.

In the meantime, some things you can try to help Mango warm up to you, if you haven't already:
  • Find a treat he absolutely loves (Temptations, freeze-dried chicken or salmon, piece of cheese, etc) and randomly offer a couple out of the palm of your hand when he's near you.
  • If you free-feed dry food, change to feeding scheduled meals of wet food. He'll start to associate you with yummy food and sometimes the best way to a cat's heart is through their stomach.
  • One-on-one play therapy, with a wand or fishing-rod style toy. You might have to go into a room with him alone if Peanut tries to barge in. Again, the aim is to increase the positive associations he has when you're around.
  • Refrain from trying to pet him or pick him up. He'll come to you when he's feeling it.
I hope that helps even a little. I understand where you're coming from.... cats can be such mysterious, complex creatures and they don't come with a manual! Sometimes just resetting our own perspective can do wonders for our relationship with them.
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