Saying goodbye to my beautiful boy.

[Yoohoo_Ra]

Hi. This is my first post. I just needed a safe place to come and say how heartbroken I am that my beloved cat Ra is gone. He was my constant companion for over 14 years. He was one of a kind, smart and sassy and just a joy to my heart. I loved him so much, and I can't stop crying.

He passed away yesterday. It was gentle. He passed as I was kissing his head and telling him I loved him. I didn't want to leave him at the vet's. I covered him with his blanket. But they promised to have his remains cremated for me. I couldn't just put him in the ground. I want this small part of him with me.

He was very, very sick with diabetes and pancreatitis. We fought a long hard fight, him and I, but he didn't tolerate any of the treatments. And then we found tumours. So, the vet and I decided it was time to let him go. I wanted to keep fighting for him, but it wouldn't have been fair to him. He was in pain and he was so stressed out. He wasn't going to get better. Making the decision to put him down was the most painful thing I've ever done. He was my friend.

I bought an urn shaped like a cat. I'll have a little funeral when I get it back.

This just hurts so much. I wish I could have him back, but that's not to be. I keep telling myself he's in a better place.

My friends know how much I loved that cat. One of them came with me to the vet's. She held my hand while it happened and cried with me.

I'm home alone, and I don't want to burden my friends with my despair. I know the pain will ease in time. I know this is normal, but I just can't imagine my life without him. He was family.

Thank you for letting me share.

[Barkingdog]

That was very brave and kind of you to let your beloved cat Ra go. I agree thus a very difficult thing to do , I had to do it with my beloved dog .
Ra

[Yoohoo_Ra]

Thank you, barking dog. I'm sorry for your the loss of your beloved dog. *hug*

I know it was the right thing to do, but I feel so guilty. He trusted me. I couldn't save him.

[marko]

Please accept my deepest condolences Yoohoo_Ra

It's the hardest part of being a pet owner but we understand what you are going through and wish you courage in this difficult time.

sweet Ra

[hazelrunpack]

My heart aches for you, Yoohoo_Ra

Ra

[Yoohoo_Ra]

Thank you for your kind words. It helps.

I think it's going to hurt for a long time. I hope one day I will be able to think of my sweet Ra without feeling like my chest is being crushed. I'm still in the bawling phase of grief.

I found two wonderful articles online that helped me immeasurably. (Hope it's OK to post them.) Here are the links:

http://www.washingtonpost.com/nation...XcS_story.html

http://psychcentral.com/lib/grieving...f-a-pet/000376

[Reg]

Yoohoo_Ra

Sorry to hear of the passing of Ra. Having just lost 2 of ours I have some idea of the pain that it causes. Hopefully time will heal the hurt.
Perhaps in the near future you might consider another kitty to help you through the grieving period and also help another kitty to have a loving home.

[Lynne&Co.]

I feel so very sorry for you Yoohoo_Ra. Your decision to end Ra's suffering is so difficult but just know you did right by your kitty. I had to make that very same decision July 15th for my 11.5 year old dog. I was devastated for days and then about 2 weeks on found myself reminiscing about the adventures he got up to and all the fun we had with him instead of the pain and suffering at the end. I know you feel empty and so sad now but let the healing begin and you will come out the other side.

[Yoohoo_Ra]

Thank you all again. I have little Pi to keep me company. She's a wee Calico, less than half the size that Ra was. They were pals, and I know she's grieving him, too. I got them both at the same time. They were rescue kittens. I got them at a time when I was reeling from a divorce. They were both sick with a virus that was going around the shelter. We all healed each other.

I'm a writer, so, I'm at home during the day. I'm also single. Ra used to sit beside me as I wrote. He'd follow me from room to room, talking and playing. He talked a lot. He'd sleep with me at the foot of the bed. When I was sad, he would cuddle with me. We'd bump heads. He'd touch me gently with his paw when he had something to say. He was just always there. We had this routine. Even with Pi here, the house seems so empty now. He was so interactive and affectionate with me. Very intelligent for a cat. He was huge...23 pounds. All black. He swaggered when he walked. He was just so full of personality. I'll never find another like him. I know he loved me. I'm not transferring that onto him. He did. And I miss him so much.

One day, when I've grieved and Pi has grieved, I'll go to the shelter and get another kitty to keep us company. But I'll wait until both Pi and I are ready.

[Yoohoo_Ra]

And I want to also say that my heart goes out to those of you who have lost your furry friends, too. *hugs*

[aws1]

My deepest condolences for the loss of your beloved Ra, The choice you made as hard as it was, was the right one. He will never leave your heart.
May the hurt pass quickly and his memory live forever. Till you meet again

[Yoohoo_Ra]

Thanks, aws1. I hope I do get to meet him again one day.

It's strange, my mind is still in nursemaid mode. It's been two years that I've been hooked into his medication cycle, always watching him closely to make sure that he was OK. And now I don't know what to do without that structure. I know I'll adjust, but I still watch the clock. It was especially bad the last six months, where every couple of weeks, I'd have to cover everything in plastic because he'd have these vomiting sessions...and then there would be the cleanups, and my comforting him. I still think I hear him wretching sometimes. At the end, it was every four days. When he wasn't sick, though, he was happy and playful. I'm trying to remember him like that.

Even though he was so sick, I still feel so guilty that I had to make that call to put him down. He trusted me, and I feel like I let him down. I know this is a normal reaction to having a pet put down, but it doesn't make it any easier. I wish I could have saved him. Gosh, I miss him so much.

So does my little Pi. She's not eating. She lays in his crate, and sometimes sleeps on his scratcher where his scent is strong. Last night, she curled into the crook of my arm and snuggled against me. She's never done this. Her eyes were so full of sadness. She needs a lot of reassurance. I think she's sad that I'm sad, too.

We will get past this intense grieving phase, Pi and me.

In some ways, I feel that I'm grieving Ra's loss more than my parents and my brother. I realize that's because Ra was like a dependent child, and I felt super responsible for him. I spent more time with him than any human friend. The grief is very complex.

Anyhow...I miss and love my boy so much. I hope he knows this wherever he is now.