Spaghetti & Bird
You will need:
2 lbs ground meat/meat substitute
1 jar spaghetti sauce
1 glove garlic
Half an onion, chopped
Half a pepper, chopped
Empty ground meat into large pan over medium heat. Stir regularly and avoid stepping on Bird. Tell Bird he cannot have some, and when the meat is thoroughly browned, drain all liquid in to a mug or bowl.
Prepare Bird some food topped with afore mentioned meat liquid (cooled) and serve with teaspoon of half cooked meat. Do not spill it on the floor when he scent rubs your hand and inadvertently head-butts the bowl.
Pour contents of sauce onto meat, stir well and reduce heat to low. Step over Bird and chop onion and pepper, pick up Bird and add to sauce – the vegetables, not the cat.
Soothe Bird with kisses and tell him to go to sleep as you gently lay him on the couch and return to the kitchen. Peel garlic and crush with side of knife, chop and add to sauce. Count to four.
Pick Bird back up when he returns to winding around your feet, scent rubbing everything his face reaches and crying; stir sauce. Explain to him that now is not the time for cuddles and return him to the floor.
Prepare saucepan of boiling water with splash of olive oil and ask Bird what is the matter now – the pitch will be different now, so listen carefully. Add desired amount of pasta to water, removing cat hair as you go, and set timer for 8 minutes.
Stir the sauce and pick up Bird, remove his claws from your shoulder as you make sure the pasta is not sticking to bottom of pan and he does not try to get into either pan for a snack. Once he has settled into your arms and begins to knead your forearm, return him to the couch for his nap.
Check pasta for doneness, drain and serve. Eat in the living room ( otherwise he will sit on the table next to your plate) and do not let your eyes stray from the plate for too long – he can and will help himself. Gently but with persistence blow in his face to remove him from the immediate area, but leave some scraps as he will complain. Loudly.