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Old September 30th, 2008, 03:08 PM
kandy kandy is offline
Hazel's Personal Servant
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Wyoming
Posts: 1,742
Food for Thought......

I think this gives an informative but humorous look at the pet food industry.
Carrot: Hello Mr. Kibble, thank you for joining me today.

Kibble: You're welcome. I must say though, I had to wait 6 weeks for
this interview.
Carrot:? Were you refrigerated?
Kibble: No, I don't have to be. Why do you ask?
Carrot: I read in your resume that you are made from natural chicken,
animal fat, apples, cottage cheese, grains and many other perishable
ingredients. How could you not spoil?
Kibble: This is going to be a hostile interview, isn't it?
Carrot: Would you please answer my question? All my friends would
begin decay and rot in a few hours? How do you stay so...un-moldy?
Kibble: The people who make me wear white coats. I'm sure they know
what they are doing. Besides, the research department worked really
closely with marketing on this issue. Who made you?
Carrot: God
Kibble: Never heard of that company. But it's a catchy name - dog
spelled backwards.
Carrot: Really, let's figure this out. Meat and fat- yet you never
spoil. And. you look so...inert.
Kibble: Well, I am naturally preserved. The purchasing department
says I don't have to worry because the fat is loaded with preservatives from
the rendering plant.
Carrot: But I thought you were all natural!
Kibble: The legal department looked into this and as long as our
people with white coats just add a little Vitamin E and Rosemary it's OK to call
me natural and I never go bad because there's enough preservative in the
fat that comes from the rendering plant to keep me from going bad.
Carrot: So even though you're 'natural' you could be loaded with
preservatives from your suppliers?
Kibble: That's right.
Carrot: I still think there's something else - you never go bad at
room temperature.
Kibble: Well, there is more. I am so highly heated and processed that
all the 'life' goes out of me. In a sense- I die and become a new
molecular substance that is called 'inert'. I am no longer 'food' as you know
Carrot: Err...sounds cool. But now that you're dead and inert, who
would want to eat you?
Kibble: You mean you've never heard of 'protein digest' spray? After
I come out of the extruder I'm sprayed with an irresistible protein digest
and vitamin mix. It's all approved by our in-house vet. We pay him
$90,000 dollars a year to make sure I'm nutritionally complete.
Carrot: But underneath that spray you're dead and inert!
Kibble: That's the coolest part! The finance department figured this
out. It's called 'fixed price'. I really wish I had thought of this.
Carrot: You're inert. You can't think. What is fixed price?
Kibble: Fixed price is a great marketing tool so I cost the exact
same amount each week in the retail store. It all ties together because I
can be kept in warehouses for months to take advantage of good pricing.
Carrot: But your ingredients can't possibly stay the same price from
week to week. The market fluctuates all the time.
Kibble: Not a problem! Let's say the price of chicken goes up. The
people in white coats just reduce the chicken and add fillers that keep the
cost the same. They have complete control over the gross profit. The share
holders LOVE this because they can always make their car payments right on
schedule. The other option is 'fixed formula' but that was voted down because
we couldn't compete if the price keeps changing. Adjusting the formula
is easy!
Carrot: But what about nutrition??
Kibble: Remember, I'm dead and inert so in a sense it doesn't matter
what goes into me. After I'm processed, heated and extruded, it's really
that magic spray that gives me all the nutrition. Besides, dog's have
livers and immune systems to remove the other stuff.
Carrot: Wow. is that 'natural'??
Kibble: Sure. soak me in a glass of water and you'll see I break down
into a pasty brown substance. It's an earth tone - very natural.
Carrot: I'm looking real closely. All I see is a brown pasty
substance. Where are the meat, fat, apples, cottage cheese and grains?
Kibble: You don't know anything, do you? That's where the graphics
department comes in. Didn't you see the full color photo of the
chickens, apples and other fresh ingredients nicely printed on the bag? They
show me on the cover, not as I actually am, but as people would expect me to
be...That packaging costs a small fortune. Legal says it's OK.
Carrot: That's comforting. If your lawyer says its OK then I feel
much better. What about wholesome ingredients and freshness?
Kibble: Those are just 'concepts' that people have come up with -
I'm convinced that if your packaging and marketing materials are really
good then we can overcome anything. That's why we pay those marketing
people what we do!
Carrot: Listen, I'm beginning to feel a little funny around the edges
so I have to go back in the fridge. Thanks for stopping by!
Kibble: My pleasure.
Livin in a Newfie Drool Zone
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