A KITTIES PRAYER
Now I lay me down to sleep
The king-size bed is soft and deep.
I sleep right in the center groove
My human can't hardly move.
I've trapped her legs, she's tucked in tight
And here is where I pass the night
No one disturbs me or dares intrude
Till morning comes and I want food.
I sneak up slowly and begin
To nibble on my human's chin.
She wakes up quickly,
I have sharp teeth.
For the morning is here and it's time to play
I always seem to get my way.
So thank you Lord for giving me
This human person that I can see.
The one who hugs me and holds me tight
And sacrifices her bed for me at night!!
CAT LOVERS RULES
The cat is not allowed in the house.
OK, the cat is allowed in the house, but only in certain rooms.
Ok, the cat is allowed in all rooms, but must stay off the furniture.
The cat can get on the old furniture only.
Fine, the cat is allowed on all the furniture,
but it is not allowed to sleep with the humans on the bed.
The cat can sleep on the bed, but not under the covers
or on the pillow.
OK, The cat can sleep under the covers and on the pillow
by invitation only.
Well, ok, the cat can sleep under the covers every night
and on the pillow too.
Humans must ask permission to sleep under the cover with the cat;
only the cat can sleep on the pillow.
THINGS CATS MUST REMEMBER
Screaming at the can of food will not make it open itself.
I should not assume the patio door is open when I race outside to chase leaves.
If I put a live mouse in my food bowl, I should not expect it to stay there until I get hungry.
The guinea pig likes to sleep once in a while. I will not watch him constantly.
If I bite the cactus, it will bite back.
I will not stand on the bathroom counter, stare down the hall, and growl at nothing right after my human has finished watching "The X-Files".
Television and computer screens do not exist to backlight my lovely tail.
No matter how dangly and attractive they are, my human's earrings are not cat toys.
If I play 'dead cat on the stairs' while people are trying to bring in groceries or laundry, one of these days it will really come true.
My human is capable of cooking bacon and eggs without my help.
The canned cat food is already dead. I do not need to kill it by swatting bits of it all over the floor.
I am a carnivore. Potted plants are not meat.
I will never be able to walk on the ceiling, and staring up the wall and screaming at it will not bring it any closer.
It is not a good idea to try to lap up the powdered creamer before it all dissolves in the boiling coffee.
The goldfish likes living in water and must be allowed to remain in its bowl.
If my human wants to share her sandwich with me, she will give me a piece. She will notice if I start eating it from the other end.
I cannot leap through closed windows to catch birds outside.
The large dog in the back yard has lived there for six years.
I will not freak out every time I see it.
I am a neutered cat, not a peacock, and prancing around with my tail fluffed up will not make my balls grow back.
If I must give a present to my humans's overnight guests, my toy mouse is much more socially acceptable than a live mouse, even if it isn't as tasty.
Just because I hear voices in my head, I do not have to answer them!