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Am I a horrible human being?

tyr
November 24th, 2004, 06:18 PM
I have been trying to hold back tears at work and have been crying for over an hour now that I am at home.

I am getting my mum a dog for Christmas....a rescue. She is 100% involved in this, so it is not a surprise...no worries. There is a rescue where I got the newest addition to my fur family who only ever deals with cats. Though, she said that she would work with me and pull a dog that is going to be euthanised. I am very excited about it because I want to save a life that does not have that much time left.

Well, I heard from her today about a ****er Spaniel (one of the breeds my mum does not like) who was to be PTS today. He is listed in the URGENT part of the message board in Petfinders message board. My mum does not like these dogs due to a marking (tattooed on her brain) bad experience she had with one when my eldest brother was a toddler. Because of this we declined...now that dog could die. I have been messaging incessantly to see if he was pulled and fostered. There was talk of doing that on the message board if no one took him - because he was an absolute doll baby. My mum felt horrible and was crying over the phone because she could not set aside her feelings toward the dog. We are both horribly tormented.

This dog may be dying all because of me. I feel like the worst person in the world. Am I horrible for turning him away? I feel like another inhumane human. I cannot stop crying and it hurts so bad.

I know there are a lot of other dogs on the urgent list to be saved or they die this week. I know that I WILL be saving a life this week - does that make up for today though? I am horrible...I feel it.......

I know that this is all a part of rescue and that those who work in rescue see perfectly beautiful, healthy and wonderful dogs PTS everyday.... I did not realize how many there were until I was in that part of the message board today on Petfinder.com - it was shocking.

I am completely tormented right now. How do I get past this pain? Can I? Do I deserve to get past it? Or am I truly as horrible as I feel?

I apologize for the length of this - I just feel so bad.

CyberKitten
November 24th, 2004, 06:23 PM
If it helps, I was informed by Siamese Rescue that some organizations will say a pet needs to be adopted urgently when in fact that is not the case - they just want the pet adopted and are playing on people's sympathy.

A reputable rescue will work with the person to find the best person for the pet they are trying to place. Any group who wanted to place an animal so quickly - even if your mother did not want that breed - begs many questions!!!

I would not be too upset. I am sure the dog will find a home. There are many reputable groups out there. Have you researched others?

heeler's rock!
November 24th, 2004, 06:37 PM
Oh dear! I am so sorry for you tyr. I don't think you are a horrible person at all. You've saved your kitties lives and you are going to save a puppy in dire need of a home soon. I'm sure that the spaniel will find a home, and if not, don't blame yourself as you would have helped him if you could have. You're heart is in the right place.... :o

tyr
November 24th, 2004, 06:37 PM
Thank you very much Cyber Kitten. You did help a little bit:) I am still crying my eyes out and feel horrible. My eyes are swelled an burning.

The woman I am working with is not the one holding this dog. She was just passing along some information. She is really a remarkable woman - I feel as though I have let her and this dog down.

She is willing to pull a dog in need of a home on the urgent list (to be PTS) all the way from the States, as well as here in canada, plus work out transportation to my mum once she has given the dog the required shots/vacs, temperment testing, spay/neuter (if not already), etc... She is really amazing. Any misinformation would have come from the person she got the info from. Though I am sure it is true that this is his last day (I cannot find any contact info for him to find out myself). Maybe this is all part of my torment.

I gave her an addition to what my mum is looking for in a breakdown today. I have been researching as well and found some that I am interested in that suits my mum. I called and discussed with my mum and she said they sound great as well. I am going to give the info to the rescue worker I am working with so she can look into them. I do not want to say no to another dog.... It just hurts so bad. These dogs are all on the urgent list and the 29 November is their last day.

For those of you who are in rescue........you are so strong. I wish I could have your strength. I know that all of the lives you save makes up for the hurt and pain, but you are much stronger than I. I found out just how vulnerable I am when it comes to an animal. I always knew when it came to my own pets - but I just looked at the pictures and cried. Saying no to one of these dogs just hurts...........it hurts.....

tyr
November 24th, 2004, 06:38 PM
Thank you very much Healer's.

chico2
November 24th, 2004, 06:51 PM
Awww Tyr :sad: Often being an animal-lover hurts,in a different world no animal would have to die for no reason,but unfortunately that is not the case..
Thousands of animals are saved and get wonderful homes every year,you are a big part of that,unfortunately they cannot all be saved.
I am hoping this little ****er Spaniel has been saved,but even if he is not,he's not gone to a bad place.
I know nothing will make you feel better right now,but you will be a hero to some little lost soul out there,someone equally deserving of a good home,so please cheer up,you did nothing wrong :love:

Lucky Rescue
November 24th, 2004, 06:54 PM
If this little dog dies, it's not because of YOU. The blame rests with the person who bred him and didn't make sure he was safe, and with the person who abandoned him to be killed.

We can't save them all because too many people just don't care.

I know how you feel, though..exactly how you feel.:(

Maya
November 24th, 2004, 09:04 PM
tyr, It sure is hard loving sweet Innocent creatures isn't it:( It sounds like you care so much, whichever little dog you get will be very lucky.

Hound_Dog
November 24th, 2004, 09:39 PM
I know exactly how you feel. There are no shelters in Korea and unwanted dogs go to the dog hospitals and clinics where they try hard to get them a home. I have a personal experience of finding a dog roaming on the street that smelled like it had had a bath recently but it looked a little underfed. I took him to my place where I fed him and put up posters around the neighborhood. After a week, there was no reply. I took him to the vet, hoping they could find him a new home (I couldn't take him because I have four already). They said they would try their best.

Two weeks later I went back and he was still there. Nobody wanted to take him because he was a 'Dong Gae' which means mixed breed but translates directly into poop dog (a little more impolite than that). Two weeks after that, they put him to sleep. I kept asking myself, if I had just ignored the dog, would he still be alive today? Probably not, but I still feel awful.

Writing4Fun
November 24th, 2004, 09:44 PM
Oh, no. No, no, no. You are NOT a horrible human being. You are a very caring and responsible person with a huge heart. Don't beat yourself up over this. It is NOT your fault.

tyr
November 24th, 2004, 10:28 PM
Thank you so much everybody. Your kind words and support have been very helpful. I am still a little jittery and very sad/tormented - the tears will come and go through the night. I am feeling a little better though because of all of the things I have just read. It has really helped me feel a little less awful about myself. I had to take a break from reading the forums earlier when I posted. It was hard to see through a blur. I had to come back on though in hopes of a little cheering up and feeling better - or confirmation that I really am horrible. I am so happy that I joined this site. I have had support from my husband and my mother as well. I am very lucky to have people care about me. It shows that there is still beauty to the world when those you do not really know care enough to make you feel better.

Thank you so much.

heeler's rock!
November 24th, 2004, 10:42 PM
I understand what you mean. The people on this forum are AMAZING. The support we all find in eachother is truly something to behold. I am very glad to have found this place. {{{{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}}}} :o

Bugsy
November 24th, 2004, 11:24 PM
Tyr

Just a random thought...maybe your mom could just foster that c0cker, this
way he may get the time he needs to find a home/save his life, but your mom could still get the breed she prefers. Just a thought. If he is on petfinder I'm sure alot of those rescues could get him adopted within 3 weeks.

If she isn't to keen on the idea maybe you could share the fostering duties?

tyr
November 25th, 2004, 06:17 PM
I was up pretty much all night. I stayed up until I could no longer keep my eyes open...trying to busy myself and keep myself from thinking about the spaniel consistantly. I fell asleep and stayed asleep for 3 hours. Then my husband came to bed and I woke up (the curse of being a light sleeper). First thing in my head was the spaniel and that was it, I was up the rest of the night/morning.

I had written two individuals about the spaniel before I left work yesterday hoping to hear good news...I heard nothing. I went into work this morning feeling sick and exhausted opened my mail and there were 2 replies. My stomach went into knots from being nervous...I opened them....and the biggest smile spread across my face! I have never smiled so big before! He was adopted!!!! Yay! I felt instant joy and relief! The sickness in my stomach went away at once.

I am so happy.......

I feel kind of silly now that I got SO upset when everything was fine.

Thank you everybody for your support - it really meant/means a lot to me :love:

maddoxies
November 25th, 2004, 06:28 PM
Do not feel bad about being upset and expressing your distress here. YOU CARED !!!! :love: And so many other people do not (which is why this poor little thing was in the spot he was in in the first place).

Working in rescue, I can tell you, buy shares in Kleenex !!! We fall in love with them, we cry over them and over the ones that did not make it into rescue.

chico2
November 25th, 2004, 09:58 PM
Tyr,that's great news to end the day,hopefully you'll sleep better tonight :love:

tyr
November 26th, 2004, 03:54 PM
Thank you Golden Girl and Chico. I slept much better last night. Though I keep thinking about all the animals I have seen on the Urgent list in Petfinder. It is so overwhelming! I had no idea the amount of animals that are out there suffering. I know that sounds naive... It is like, you always hear about it but it never quite registers until you open yourself up completely and take a look. It is like hearing and seeing are two very different things. I am overwhelmed by the amounts that I have seen online - I can just imagine the numbers around the world that you do not see online....the ones that are not getting a chance to be saved...the unknowns. It is heart-wrenching...

It is like I have been slapped in the face with a giant 2X4 of reality.

The kleenex companies must make their most revenue from Rescue Workers - I believe that Golden Girl.

CyberKitten
November 26th, 2004, 03:59 PM
Tyr,

Far from being a "horrible" human being, you are a wonderful person who CARES!!! You should feel good about yourself! I understand how you feel and it is hard but keep on being the kind human being you seem to be! :thumbs up

mastifflover
November 26th, 2004, 04:05 PM
Eventhough the dog was not pts which I am very happy about. But you are not a horrible person you are trying to rescue a dog for your mom. You have to find the right one and by choosing carefully this dog will have a forever home. You cannot rescue every animal I wish we could but as terrible as it is you can't. Just the fact that you save one is more than some will do in a lifetime and you should feel good about that and you have saved more than one. You should try not to be upset even though it is impossible being an animal lover we can all relate to how upsetting it is. You should be proud of yourself for caring enough to be that compassionate and wanting to and actually helping. I think you are special and far from horrible

chico2
November 26th, 2004, 04:05 PM
Yes Tyr,it's so true...I go to HS often,bring different things they are in need of,but I NEVER go into the adoption-rooms..I know what is happening every day to unwanted animals,but I am a coward,I cannot look into the eyes of these poor animals who just want to be loved and just walk away:sad:
I have an incredible admiration for the people who are able to put their heart-break aside and really do something to help(we have several here in the Forum),those are the unsung heroes in the world... :love:

tyr
November 27th, 2004, 04:25 PM
Awww, now you guys are going to make me cry for saying such nice things! Thank you so much for the kind words. You have made me feel so much better. This place is so special because of you.

Those who are able to be strong enough and face these horrors everyday really are the unsung heroes - I agree. Without them who knows what this world would be like.

I want to say thank you to those who are able to have the strength for themselves and the rest of us who do not have it. Being able to save lives and accept that you cannot save them all...and being able to go back to that everyday is such an amazing gift. We are ALL animals...the fact that we are a species that is able to help others and utilize that power and help those animals that cannot help themselves.....well, lets just say...that for all of those who face this everyday and continue to use their hearts to keep others beating, my heart is filled with love and my eyes are filled with tears of joy for you.

This also goes out to those who foster, adopt, donate, bring awareness and are involved in this in any way.