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Note from the Dog

November 19th, 2004, 01:26 PM
Everyone has probably seen this, but its cute.

To: Master of the house

From: Dog

Subject: Cat


The cat is despicable. She doesn't do any tricks and never comes when
call and I've been there and I know she can hear you. We need to face
It's time to get rid of the cat.

Before the cat's arrival, meals were very festive times. I would sit
stare attentively at your lips, trembling slightly and drooling. You
play the game of pretending to be cross and demand that I leave the
but whenever you cooked dinner your children would slip me food under

Now, though, the cat is allowed to jump on the table - actually
walk on the table! You don't yell at the cat, you just pick her up
and put
her back on the floor, and I know you don't see it, but she always
gives me
a haughty look as she walks past me.

And speaking of meals, I have always been satisfied to eat the gritty
pellets of meat byproducts you bring home in the giant bags, right?
Have I
ever once, ever, failed to finish a meal? But now I find out that the
cat is
being served lobster and salmon and crab - and she never consumes all
of it!
This means there are little containers of delectable snacks lying
around and
how can I be blamed for making sure they get eaten? Why do you get so
As long as the pet food is going to the pets, isn't that what's

Then there's play time. I think we can clearly see that I am a big
descended from a noble line of hunters accustomed to chasing prey and
attacking it. Haven't I nearly managed to take down a few cars as
driven past the house? The cat is about the size of a squirrel and in
view should behave like one, but when I attempt to chase her, she
hunches up
and spits at me! This can't be sanitary. And shouldn't she be
declawed? I'm
very concerned about the potential for damage to the furniture and my

Speaking of sanitation, do you realize that the cat goes to the
bathroom in
the house? And not in the drinking basins like you do, but in a
sandbox in
the basement. What are we going to say if some woman brings her baby
over to
play in the sandbox and the cat has been using it as a toilet? I used
police the thing for you, but you put it up out of my reach for some

I'm not the only one who believes the cat is an evil person. Here's a
from the hamster:

To: Master of the house


Subject: Cat

Please tell cat to stop staring at me while I work.

Signed, Hamster, Department of Rodent Wheels

I also tried to get a note from the fish, but apparently it believes
everything happening outside its bowl is some kind of reality-TV show.

I don't understand why the cat is allowed up on the bed and I'm not.
I am
far more cuddly than any stupid cat. I think her purring sounds
and may be a sign of tuberculosis. And why doesn't she ever get a
bath? She
smells like saliva from licking her paws - you'd never catch me
licking such
ridiculous places. I often smell wonderful from rolling in roadkill,
yet you
give me baths all the time!

And speaking of sleeping, sometimes I'll be taking a nap and she'll
right up and lie down beside me. Usually I'm too tired to do anything
it, but then later the other dogs smell her on me and crack a lot of
at my expense.

So, not to exaggerate, but the cat has brought the family to complete
I'm sorry I have to be the one to bring it to your attention, but now
that I
have, I think we can all agree that we should go back to the way it
when I was the No. 1 pet.

Yours truly,

The Dog

louie's mum
November 20th, 2004, 01:12 PM
luv it.
reminds me of the directions for cleaning the toilet joke (by the dog). i'll dig it up and post unless someone has it handy.
thanks for the grin on such a dreary, damp day.

November 20th, 2004, 04:09 PM
That is funny and no,I've never read it before...with every line I had this mental picture in my mind :crazy: :crazy: