HELP ME with my kitten!!!

So, my five month old kitten was a bottle baby. As I am now aware, she was taken from her mother too soon, and because of this she is DRIVING ME INSANE!!!

SUCKLING: She still tries to suckle my ears, my neck, my arms, fingers, toes...skin in general. I've tried various toys to tempt her with, as well as nipples from feeding bottles. Those didn't work. When I say, "NO" and push her off, she starts this obsessive digging behavior. If I'm on the bed, she has to dig at the covers to try to get underneath. If I lift them up, she goes right for my toes to bite or scratch my legs. One of my favorite things is to sleep with cats, but I'm not able to with her because she keeps me up for hours trying to suckle and bite me.

COUNTERTOPS: Within the last few weeks, she's discovered that she can jump. Clapping, saying "NO", and redirecting behavior hasn't worked. The squirt bottle worked once, and now I just think she likes to drink the water from her fur. (I hate to say this, but I go as far as to squirt her in the face and she still jumps right back up) My other little perfect kitten only had to get squirted once. This cat is STUPID. I hate to say it, but she is not mentally with-it.

BITING CHORDS: I have so many in my house that I can't possibly cover all them up. Lately, she's been playing with and biting the ones under my computer desk and I know it's just for attention.

CLAWING FURNITURE, BITING, DIGGING, overall obnoxiousness. I'm at my wit's end and am starting to regret getting her! Help Help Help...I know she's just looking for attention, but she gets more than enough since I work from home.

She sounds like a perfectly normal kitten to me. That's what they do. I had one that did the sucking thing until he was over a year old.
Playing with cords is dangerous as you know maybe keep her in a room with little or no cords while you can't watch her.
You can't expect a kitten to act like a fully trained adult cat. All those things she does are what kittens do, no surprise there.
Clawing the furniture you could try sprays like citrus or feliway to keep her away from that spot.
Please be patient with her she's not doing anything other kittens wouldn't do. You need to be patient, love her and expect very gradual process as she grows up. She's an innocent furbaby that can in no way be obnoxious but cute and needs of your love and protection.
It'll get better but you have to be patient.