March 20th, 2010, 11:38 PM
I haz it.
It's pretty much self inflicted but I cant help it.
Casey got killed. A few days later one of my bestfriends gets killed on skidoo. And A few days after that My dad almost gets killed in a car accident.
I keep myself awake because I HATE closing my eyes at night to sleep. As soon as I drift off I have nightmares about everything.
I made the mistake of viewing my friends body before the funeral. Lets just say she hit a spike coming from a piece of logging equipment with her head after beng thrown from her skidoo and it crushed her face. They reconstructed it as much as possible. She still looked like her but.. Not like her at the same time. And THIS is what i ussually dream about. Her walking towards me. And I just hate dreaming about it.
I Dream about my dad dying and me watchng it..
I dream about casey. Usually she is alive in my dreams and it hurts when I wake up and she isnt there. Sometimes i watch her die all over again. That kills me too.
So anyway.If any of you can stop me from dreaming id be eternally greatful Lol..
Im exhausted. Ive thought about drinking cough syrup before bed or something. Maybe have a shot of whiskey:o:p
So Im pretty much just whining/venting right now but im at my wits end. Im sitting here at the point of exhaustion where things just arent making sense. My visions blurred and I feel icky. :(
March 21st, 2010, 12:47 AM
I'm sorry you've had to go through all that :( .
I have anxiety about going to sleep because I used to have nightmares really bad and still do periodically (not about the same thing, but other traumatic events). I can stay up for 24 hrs or more sometimes if it's really bad.
Have you tried talking to a counselor? I found that helped me a bit. I also take some antianxiety meds, and they help with anxiety in general, panic attacks, and also some of my sleep issues. I don't have nightmares nearly as much as I used to.
I think the main thing is to talk to someone that understands those type of issues though. There are people that can help you through your sleep anxiety (which is basically what you're having) so you can learn not to be so worried about falling asleep.
I've also found that it helps to get really tired out before I try to sleep. Not just mentally but physically. A really good exercise routine can help immensely. It helps relieve stress and releases hormones that will help counteract those causing some of your sleep problems.
I think mainly though as I got older I just realized the sleep issues weren't a huge deal. Dreams are dreams and all they are is your subconscious bringing underlying issues to the surface. It will help if you can have someone run you through what you should be thinking about before you start to fall asleep. As you start to fall asleep you can tell yourself not to worry about it and even keep how you'd like to react in your dreams at the front of your mind. That can help your brain relax so when you DO fall asleep your mind doesn't let a normal dream turn into a nightmare. I've worked on this a lot and I'm actually fairly conscious of when I'm dreaming now and the dreams that used to scare me don't bother me much anymore.
It will also help to think about and talk out some of these issues in the DAYTIME so you are in a better mindset upon going to sleep. That's where a counselor comes in.
Sorry if that seemed confusing. It's just bits and pieces of stuff I've learned to do to counteract my nightmares over the years. I could go into a whole ton of detail if I wanted to, but I don't wanna make my post too long.
March 21st, 2010, 11:44 AM
Wonderful advice MBIE! I think it helps to talk about our issues to whoever will listen.
March 21st, 2010, 12:02 PM
I agree. It is best to talk to someone.
March 21st, 2010, 12:15 PM
It's no wonder you are having trouble sleeping. Those are very traumatic things. i do think you should talk to someone about it, someone professional. I've always had trouble sleeping. I can't sleep with quiet, because I always end up thinking and worrying about everything. A white noise machine is very helpful. Your mind focuses on the sound and it helps you relax.
March 21st, 2010, 08:53 PM
I sleep with a loud fan. Plus I like the air movement because I like the room pretty cold when I sleep. Can't sleep in a warm room at all.
March 21st, 2010, 09:57 PM
I'm with these ladies... talking is definitely the way to go, in my experience things that help you sleep like cough medicine or sleeping pills also make your dreams more wild and vivid. I was with my grandmother at the hospital when she passed, and although I know I'll never 'get over it' talking to someone about the experience definitely helped.
Also, just so you know, I never ever participate in 'viewings', if I go to them I see the family but skip the coffin part... I know some people get closure from seeing their loved ones one last time, but I prefer to remember them as they were without the visual of how they are now.
You've been through a lot in the last while, but you are a strong girl and you will bounce back....just give yourself time....and lots of keely kisses....I have a feeling those could heal anything! ;):grouphug:
March 21st, 2010, 11:10 PM
in my experience things that help you sleep like cough medicine or sleeping pills also make your dreams more wild and vivid
It really does depend on the person and medicine.
My husband takes Ambien to sleep sometimes and he generally doesn't dream at all with it. It just knocks him out and then he wakes up in the morning.
Most OTC sleeping pills just have Diphenhydramine (which is the main ingredient in benadryl...so you could actually take benadryl for the same use) and that medication CAN cause sleep disturbances and hallucinations. Oddly enough Diphenhydramine just wires me out, but it still causes auditory hallucinations. Very disconcerting, lol.
A lot of cough medicines that cause drowsiness also have chemicals that can cause mild hallucinations and sleep disturbances (namely dextromethorphan, like in Robitussin and Nyquil ).
So yeah, if you're having trouble sleeping just because you can't fall asleep these medications can work. If you're having trouble sleeping because you have nightmares and sleep disturbances these medications can make things worse.
I remember my dad take some kind of cough medicine from the doctor, I can't remember which one as this was years ago, and he woke up thinking that there was an earthquake. It was very vivid and he actually looked at the news later in the day to see if there had been one. Nope, apparently just the meds.
March 21st, 2010, 11:11 PM
Oh and as far as viewings go, I do understand why some people want that. They want to see the person to know for sure that they're gone so they can have closure and move on.
However, I think a lot of people are quite traumatized by seeing their family member, especially younger people (I know seeing my grandmother at 8 yrs old effected me greatly). I tend to avoid the viewing if I can. I don't need to see the person to know that they're gone. I had nightmares about my grandmother being dead for a long time after her funeral and I think it was mainly caused by viewing the body, because the nightmares would relate to her body laying there rather than just her.
Kinda odd story though, since we're sharing stuff. I think it's completely normal to have dreams about things that have passed, not just people. When my cat died when I was younger I would have dreams that he got in bed with me and I was petting him and when I'd wake up he'd be gone and I'd get really depressed.
I actually had an odd dream the other day, not longer after we had to put Shasta to sleep, that she was alive again and running around. But in the dream I actually REMEMBERED that she was gone and was really confused as to why she was there. It was a very vivid dream and I was freaking out wondering how she was there even though I saw her pass. I woke up really freaked out and sweaty and finally realized I was dreaming.
I'm unfortunately one of those people that dreams really vividly all the time so I just have to kind of deal with the fact that I'll have weird disconcerting dreams a lot. My husband is lucky that he rarely dreams so he doesn't have those issues.
I think (from my own conclusion and talking to others) that those dreams can actually stem a lot from feelings of guilt. Like...did you treat the person/animal right while they were alive, and could you have done/said anything different before they went? It's really hard to deal with things passing and conclude that it's just a part of life that can't be prevented. All you can do is be a good person and treat everything with kindness and respect while you and them are still there.
March 22nd, 2010, 07:04 AM
the others are right BM,,,i think you should find someone to talk to about it. If not an actual therapist you could go to a mortuary around you,,they usually have a grief counsellor who understands exactly where you're coming from.
March 22nd, 2010, 08:32 AM
Thanks everybody for the Advice:grouphug:
I plan on talking to the counsellor we have at school when she is in again. Maybe make it a weekly thing if it helps any.
Thank you for all the advice and sharing your experiences. You said sometimes it can come from guilt? :( I do feel alot of guilt with casey and sarah.
With casey I feel guilty about alot of things. First of all I feel bad because I hadnt been walking her as much as I could have been the weeks leading to her death. I feel like i let her down in that area. I should have been taking her more often:(
I feel like if I had left to go take her for a walk a little earlier in the day, she would have been with me and she wouldnt have gotten hit.
I feel terrible because when i went down to see her before died she got excited and tried to stand up but she fell, and when she did get up a little later on she brought me outside but I should have made her lie back down but i didnt. But the vet said she should go outside to pee herself. When she went outside and lid down in the snow I SHOULD have made her get up and go back in. But i didnt because I thought she was just too warm being in the house because she wasnt used to it. It was just too much on her and it killed her. And then when she did start dying I didnt do anything. I just stood there but if I had tried to help maybe i could have helped. :cry:
And I feel guilty for not spending more time with sarah before she died. Her sister is my very best friend and she always tells me how much sarah talkked about me and how she was always asking chelsea to invite me in.. But I just didnt go enough. :wall: Now she's dead and its too late. :shrug:
Yea, the counsellor is definatly a good idea. :o
March 22nd, 2010, 07:32 PM
The guilt thing is absolutely normal. I don't think anyone or anything dies without someone feeling like they could have done something different or better. Because the thing is, people are never READY for things to pass.
You go day to day, especially when you're young, thinking things will last forever and you will always have a chance to make up for mistakes. The thing is though, EVERYONE makes mistakes, even the people that have passed, and things will always be left unsaid or undone. It doesn't make any sense to dwell on those things, it just is. You need to remember all the good things and that the people that passed did love you and would forgive you for anything you have doubts about.
My husband's father passed away suddenly back in '05. It was very unexpected and he just had a sudden heart attack due to onset of high blood pressure that he didn't take care of immediately. He was only 52 and my husband was only 22 at the time, so he took it very hard. He felt a lot of guilt because he hadn't talked to him on the phone lately (we lived in a different state) and a lot of guilt over the fact that he hadn't visited with him more.
It took him several years before he could even discuss him without breaking down. He never even deleted his number off his contact list because he felt like he'd be erasing HIM somehow.
But eventually you do sort of come to terms with the fact that the person is gone and you start to remember all the good things about your time together rather than dwelling on the negatives. It does help to discuss that stuff with family members and other people that remember that person too. Like sharing funny stories and stuff about your time with the person can be very helpful. That way you start to remember all the good times you and others had with that person rather than thinking you maybe didn't do everything right, because like I said NO ONE is perfect and that stuff you're having regrets about right now isn't really a big deal in the long run.
March 24th, 2010, 05:04 AM
You have been through a lot and it is normal to have some sort of reaction. Until you can speak to someone try writing in a journal. It can be very helpful to get those feelings out.
As for sleeping you can try taking Melatonin. It is sold over the counter at places like Walmart. It is all natural so no prescription needed.
March 24th, 2010, 11:53 AM
I think you really should talk to someone who is experienced in dealing with these types of situations. Dont just block it out. You want to let this out rather than keep it in as by keeping it in it will just resurface at a different stage of your life. Make suer the person you talk to is experienced, like a grief counsilor, as they will be able to guide you through the hard times.
As for sleeping, try Valerian. Its a herbal sleeping aid and can be found in most health stores (google it - i am not sure how it is for dreaming....). Its important to restore your sleep as lack of it will make it even more difficult to handle the stress and anxiety of the day.
And most important, remember that your friend :candle: and Casey :candle: love you and want you to live your life to the fullest and be happy!!