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Advice desperately needed! OMG!

lUvMyLaB<3
January 24th, 2010, 06:40 AM
Ok, so a lady i know, an aquaintance id say. I know her because her kids go to my kids school, she has 4, they are 9,7, 4 and 2, we also go to moms group together, we have coffee, and talk sometimes. . .

Anyway, last summer she got a dog, and adult golden, an intact male. He was great, trained, calm ect, the had him for just a few weeks. She started asking for help as the dog was a problem, they left him penned in the kitchen all day. I went as far as offering to go every day and walk it, she is a poor me life is hard excuse person. They live in a 3 bedroom mobile with a very small yard. . She didnt want to get him fixed, he would make nice puppies. She gave the dog to a farm, and the kids hearts were broken. Fine. .

In august she shows up to drop her kids at bible camp, and in the bike trailer was the kids new kitten. Great i thought, kids happy, she cant have a dog. The cat got fixed and shots. Great. . .

Fast forward to a couple days ago, another friend came down the hall ranting this woman got a puppy. Let me add, for the past 2 months she has been very sick, she had emergency surgery, then lots of complications. The day before i heard she got the pup, her exact words were, i spend more time at the hospital then at home. . She starts a new job that will be 12 hour shifts next week. I am now rite pissed. Its a byb pup, if she could care for a perfect older trained dog then, now that her life is upside down how will she raise a pup? I am now just irked.

THEN, i get an email, saying do i want her cat?! She knows i like pets, just tell her a price i think is good! WTF?!? They want to sell it cuz it doesnt get along with the pup. I nicely tell her that is a bad idea, and offer advice, i guaruntee her they can and will get along. She answers they have decided the cat has to go. I am now in tears and heartbroken she treats the poor baby that way.

THEN i get another email, will i take the cat until she finds a home because the new babysitter is allergic!!! That and her life is chaos, she only wants to hear from me if i can help.

I am so upset! This is a private christian school, so judging her and flat out telling her my mind cant happen. I have tried to educate her, offer help, everything i can nicely. . PLEASE HELP! Please?! What should i do? The kitty didnt do anything wrong, it was there first, and i am sure the pup will be gone at some point. I told her i cant take it as i am busy taking cats and trying to find homes for the ones that truly dont have homes.

New babysitter allergic just may go to the top of my list of dumb a$$ reasons. I really need some advice i am so upset over this. .

Winston
January 24th, 2010, 07:49 AM
:wall::wall::wall: Some people!!

Is there anyway you could find a rescue and see if they have room for 1 more? I know they are probably over flowing! Are you to foster it until a new home can be found?

My worry is she will open the door? What a crappy situation...and your right she will be rehoming the dog soon enough!

diandpat
January 24th, 2010, 07:58 AM
Awwww....:wall::wall::wall: This is such a horrible situation. Why do these people do this?????

So what if it's a Christian school...there is nothing Christianlike about what she is doing to God's creatures. She isn't "getting" polite so maybe a shot between the eyes is what she needs to open them :shrug:

Poor golden, poor kitty and inevitably...poor pup :yell:

lUvMyLaB<3
January 24th, 2010, 09:01 AM
I just mean that i feel like talking about her to my friends there behind her back. I feel like telling her off, i can hardly stop myself, thats what i mean, what i want to act like just is not accepted, but i cant stop myself, and biting my tongue is making me sick.

With the last dog, i drove accross the city to walk it, and take it to the park. She said she couldnt do that, and so would have to get rid of the dog. I did that to help her keep the dog.

There are thousands of cats pts here each year. There are hundreds needing homes. I have a foster now, i cant take it, and i dont think i should have to.

She thinks this is not her fault, poor her, she cant deal with all this, i should help her. If i am a pet lover i should take her cat, if i dont i am not the pet lover i say i am. . I told her many tips, i promised i could have them get along, then she would bring up another excuse.

Oh, and remember she wont give me the cat, i am to pay heq $150.

She doesnt see anything wrong with tossing the cat like old stinky ugly furniture. Of coarse it doesnt love the dog instantly. . I dont know what to do, i think she is horrid, she will never have success with this pup, and it is always the animals fault. Her last message was the cat has to go now, i should take it because i claim to like animals, and only conact her if i can help her. . With this mess because her life is so hard. The pup is going to suffer too, i cant imagine its future. She doesnt even care about breaking her kids hearts.

What do i do? How do i deal with her? I am angry. I cant take her cat, and pay her for it. I said i could get it into rescue for her, but it will take the space of another that will die, and that she would have to pay to drop it there. No way, she spent money on this cat, she will only sell it. What she is doing is so wrong, the poor cat!

bendyfoot
January 24th, 2010, 09:24 AM
So what if it's a Christian school...there is nothing Christianlike about what she is doing to God's creatures. She isn't "getting" polite so maybe a shot between the eyes is what she needs to open them :shrug:



X2

consider this: if it was her kids we were talking about, would it be unChrisitan to call her out on it? Nope.

hazelrunpack
January 24th, 2010, 09:56 AM
I have to say I agree with the shot between the eyes. She's not listening to you, LML, but she's doing a great job of using you to clean up her problems. This is her problem, not yours. Don't let her guilt you into doing something you can't afford or that would adversely impact your life.

If it were me, I'd sit her down and tell her flat out these animals are her responsibility. Bring the options to the table again--working to help the cat adjust to the puppy, training puppy to respect the cat, rescues (with her picking up the fees) as a last resort. As much as you feel sorry for her animals (tell her that) you just cannot help her out here unless she's willing to do a little work or pay a little money. If she refuses, then tell her flat out she shouldn't be taking on a new puppy, either, because it will require effort and money to care for properly. And then, if you've burned a bridge, walk away.

You don't have to say it meanly. Say it very evenly and even compassionately, but don't let her manipulate your emotions any more. She'll do what she wants to do, regardless. Don't let her feel less guilty about this when it's eating you up inside. She shouldn't be allowed to be let off scotfree.

I'm so sorry you're being put into this situation--I know how hard it is to say no when there's an innocent in the middle--but this is her problem. Don't let her make it yours. :grouphug:

Love4himies
January 24th, 2010, 10:01 AM
I agree with Hazel, this woman needs to be told flat out but in a calm way because if the conversation is angry she will just turn off to what you are saying.

I know you want to help all these animals and bless you for being that way, but she now needs to take responsibility for what she has created. I don't think any shelter is going to pay her to take her cat in, so you shouldn't either.

Just out of curiosity, would she just throw the cat outside to fend for itself?

14+kitties
January 24th, 2010, 10:23 AM
Just out of curiosity, would she just throw the cat outside to fend for itself?

Exactly my question. If you didn't take the cat would she end up just putting it outside? Probably. So why does she feel you have to pay for it? :wall: :frustrated:
Guilt is a wonderful thing. That's how I ended up with Benni and Snoopy. The lady said she was going to have them pts if I didn't take them. :yell: She probably would have had Benni put down. Benni is not exactly love on four legs. :rolleyes: But I love her for all her crankiness. It's also how I ended up with Greyson and gang. Co-worker says I have four cats in my back yard. Help! So I did and she forgot about helping me find homes for them. I am not letting guilt guide me any more.
You don't have the space to take on another cat. You are already fostering. Bless your huge heart for that. :grouphug: You do not need to take on an animal that is her responsibility. That is exactly what I would tell her. When she pulls that "You're an animal lover. You're supposed to help them." you can tell her you do more than your part. You do help them. Doesn't mean you have to help a :loser: like her who simply wants to pass the buck and get rid of her responsibilities.
Just because your kids go to a Christian school does not make her Christian.

Frenchy
January 24th, 2010, 10:32 AM
First of all , let's put religion aside , this has nothing to do with religion , it has to do with poor pets being treated like disposable furnitures.



If it were me, I'd sit her down and tell her flat out these animals are her responsibility.


I totally agree with Hazel. This "lady" needs to know that she isn't a responsible pet owner. She needs to hear the facts .... all of them. For the pup , ask her how she will pay for him to be dewormed (maybe he won't be , coming from a BYB) that he'll need vaccination , neutering for not marking the house , good food if he has allergies , how she will deal with the destruction in the house because the pup is not getting enough exercise etc ...

someone needs to tell her the facts of life ...

lUvMyLaB<3
January 24th, 2010, 11:10 AM
Ok, i am sorry i sait the christian thing, i was just trying to get the context. What i mean is i cant help but to judge her, i have friends there that i would talk to, but with my anger that i have over this it is not an option, hard to explain i guess, but talking bad about someone and not supporting them just would not be tolerated.

I had a short conversation about it with my group of friends at the school the other morning when the person came and said this woman got a puppy and its coming for show and tell. I started to fume then, before i knew she was tossing the cat. I said why would she get a dog after she couldnt care or even walk the other. Her and i share a close friend. This friend said if its a little dog who cares? It could be litter trained. I said when would it get out? She said who cares, a shih tzu can run around the living room 3 times and be fine. . . So no one agrees with me. . . . And ill get so upset about it, i cant even talk about it. She will get the support, i am just alone and really upset, and that is why i am asking here, thats all i was trying to say i dont mean that religion actually plays a part here.

I dont think she will toss it out i also dont get the babysitter excuse.

Not to bring up religion. . . But it is a non denominational school, and there are some that believe that man is dominant over all animals, and they should not be treated like they are on our level, so most, her included dont see treating the animals the way she is, getting new ones and tossing old ones as un christian. . .

I shouldnt have added the christian school thing as it is hard to explain how it affects this, it doesnt play a huge role, i didnt mean to imply that. .

I want to grab her and shake her. That cat has loved and cared for her kids, and she disrupts its life with the pup and thinks she has the right to throw him away. The pup will neyer work out, i cant wait to hear the excuses, the byb said she has 3 weeks to decide if its going to work, after that its too late to return it. The byb sold it to her knowing her situation.

I am so upset. That poor cat. I cant take it. And i dont think any1 should. She will never ever ever find someone to pay her for it. She has really made me upset, and ruined each day, because i am so worked up, i have even lost sleep.

Thanku Hazel, and L4h, thats the kind of advice i need. What do i say? How do i get over it? How do i show i am an animal lover? What should be done with the cat? How much free training and help with the pup do i give to help stop her from giving him up too? How do i tell her she is wrong without people getting mad at me? Or do i just have to suck it up, say i cant help and let it go? And thats hard, i cant just watch an animal be treated unfairly. Thank you for the help, this just really really hurts and affects me, too much maybe. . .

hazelrunpack
January 24th, 2010, 11:34 AM
Or do i just have to suck it up, say i cant help and let it go? And thats hard, i cant just watch an animal be treated unfairly. Thank you for the help, this just really really hurts and affects me, too much maybe.

If she won't listen to reason, LML, you may have no other choice than to walk off and let it go. It's unfair for the group to not to treat your opinion with respect, but you can't make her or them respect it.

Just remember that you can't save all the innocents. You do the very best you can, but that doesn't mean you can do it all. :grouphug: It's hard not to take on the blame, but it's not yours. She is making the bad decisions. She is shirking her responsibility. Don't let her make you feel guilty--this is her problem, and don't be shy about telling her so if she tries it. Tell her how you feel if she'll listen--tell her you're torn up inside worrying about the fate of her animals. But stay firm. And don't feel guilty.

chico2
January 24th, 2010, 12:00 PM
LML,I sooo feel for you,it's easier said than done that you should not feel responsible,just knowing there is a poor cat out there who will not have a happy ending,due to an irresponsible careless jerk,is enough to upset any animal-lover.
However you also have to face reality.
This person should lose the pup too and never have another animal,I sincerely hope the poor Golden did not end up in a puppy-mill:pray:
I also honestly believe you need to tell her how you feel,you need to get it out of your system.
I did that once with someone I thought was a friend,until I realized she was incredibly cruel to her dog,later the dog was conveniently pts:(
Did I need a friend capable of cruelty to animals??? Absolutely not!!

ownedbycats
January 24th, 2010, 01:07 PM
IUvMyLab - this is a really hard situation you're in. I know how you feel about not being able to talk to your other denominational friends. Next time they say something about how man has dominion over animals, gently (this is th hard part) point out that that word should be translated stewardship. Stewardship means you answer to "the boss" for your care of HIS property.

Frenchy
January 24th, 2010, 02:22 PM
How do i tell her she is wrong without people getting mad at me?

If those people get mad at you for trying to "help" this lady to stop adopting / dumping animals , why would you care what they think ? If those people think it's ok , it"s "only" a cat or dog .... do you really want them as friends ?

You could show this "lady" how many cats there are up for adoption on petfinder , how many of them get gassed in high kill animal shelters because there just too many , show her numbers , tell her that the mom of the pup she will be getting , might just do that , produce pups all her freaking life. Did not get health tested , pups probably have very poor genes ...

Rehoming this cat , is not YOUR responsability , sometimes we can help , sometimes we can't. As many people tell me , and as much as I hate saying this .... we can't save them all. :(

kungfuMao
January 24th, 2010, 04:31 PM
It sounds like all she cares about (in regards to the kitty) is getting money. If you (or another foster home) offer to care for the cat until someone adopts it, can she wait for the money? I don't know too much about the rescue/adoption process from that side of the relationship (the rescue side, that is), but if you (or another foster/rescue) advertises for the cat, can she have the fee that's paid for the adoption? Again, I don't know too much about this but perhaps that is something that can occur to save this kitty from worse fate. Please correct me if I'm misguided...

But at the same time, she sounds very manipulative. It just isn't decent to ask someone to take anything "off your hands" but require $. Very very :loser: thing to do.

:pray: for you and the innocent kitty.

ancientgirl
January 24th, 2010, 06:17 PM
I don't think it's up to you to prove to her you are an animal lover. As Hazel said, she's guilting you into taking her problem off of her hands, and she's asking you for money to boot!

Where does it end? How long before the new dog gets toss aside and she's calling people asking them to take it of her hands?

joeysmama
January 25th, 2010, 10:20 AM
One of the best (and most overlooked) tenets of the Christian faith is "Speak the truth in love." Being a Christian does NOT mean that you can't speak your mind.

You can vent your true feelings to us. I'm super ticked off at this woman and I don't even know her. I get what you're saying...you don't want to come across to thers as mean and gossipy, especially when she's portraying herself as a "poor me" to the world. You're afraid you will appear not to have compassion.

But that shouldn't preclude you from saying what needs to be said out of compassion for the animals. You could even phrase it in a way that seems to put the concern on her. "I know it's difficult to say no to the kids, especially whan your life is upside down and you just want to make them happy, but you have to think of yourself. Don't add pets, it's not fair to you at this point...blah blah blah!"

Yeah it will stick in your throat. I had trouble typing it. I'd love to say "You're stupid and selfish and you're teaching your children to live without compassion."

But in the end that's not going to do any good, not going to get her to stop this awful behavior. You have to appeal to selfish people on a selfish level.

Myka
January 25th, 2010, 10:25 AM
You have to appeal to selfish people on a selfish level.

This kinda made me giggle. Too true...good call.

To the OP, I think this is something you need to walk away from. You have tried your best. You can't help everyone. Just know in your heart of hearts that you did what you could. You can't let this affect your own life so much. :grouphug:

14+kitties
January 25th, 2010, 12:20 PM
It sounds like all she cares about (in regards to the kitty) is getting money. If you (or another foster home) offer to care for the cat until someone adopts it, can she wait for the money? I don't know too much about the rescue/adoption process from that side of the relationship (the rescue side, that is), but if you (or another foster/rescue) advertises for the cat, can she have the fee that's paid for the adoption? Again, I don't know too much about this but perhaps that is something that can occur to save this kitty from worse fate. Please correct me if I'm misguided...

But at the same time, she sounds very manipulative. It just isn't decent to ask someone to take anything "off your hands" but require $. Very very :loser: thing to do.

:pray: for you and the innocent kitty.

kungfuMao - Once rescues take a cat in or someone fosters for them the money goes to the rescue. As it should. They are the ones that go to the work of finding homes for the cats. She most likely didn't pay for the cat. She should not expect payment to get rid of it.

happycats
January 25th, 2010, 06:53 PM
You should be completely honest with her, tell her that you LOVE animals and what she's doing to you is unfair and selfish, and you don't appreciate her playing with your emotions like that.
Tell her you love your pets, and believe that when you get them they are for life and if she insists on buying and dumping, please stop telling you as it really really bothers you, and this is against everything you believe.

Or maybe try the educational route.
Bring her a pics and info from the net about all the animals that are put to sleep every day.(Some people need to SEE the the facts to believe them) the pics with all the PTS animals piled high on tables and floors speaks volumes :( And if she doesn't see the light after she sees the pics, well then she's just a cold heartless B!tch, and there is nothing you can do to help her. But stay far away, or at least stay far away from any talk of any animals.

She sounds as if she's more a user/liability then a friend

Macomom
January 25th, 2010, 07:39 PM
I have empathy for you, iluvmylab.
Sometimes people can just be so terrible...

I often have to remind myself to choose my battles. Animal lovers can't take in every cat, nor can child advocates foster every child- it is frustrating, but a reality. This very selfish woman is challenging you, because if you were an "animal lover" you would pay her to take her cat. This is so manipulative and mean, especially since the animals welfare is at risk.
Forgive yourself for not being able to take the cat and concentrate on all the good things you do.
I am really sorry that she is placing you in this situation.

Ironically, my passion for animals is deeply connected to faith. It is hard to imagine it being an excuse for others to dispose of inconvenient pets.

Kay9
January 25th, 2010, 08:29 PM
This lady is a train wreck, and her life is a manifestation of that, including her impulsivity with respect to pets. My hunch is that she has an underlying psychological disorder and needs some sort of counselling. "Telling her off" wouldn't be a very productive thing to do.

I know it doesn't make it any easier for you though. For your own protection, you probably need to distance yourself from her, thereby distancing yourself from the outcome of her decisions (namely, the pets). That little cat will do just fine: after all, it survived that crazy household!:cat:

Luvmypitgirls
January 29th, 2010, 11:49 AM
iuvmylab - this is a really hard situation you're in. I know how you feel about not being able to talk to your other denominational friends. Next time they say something about how man has dominion over animals, gently (this is th hard part) point out that that word should be translated stewardship. Stewardship means you answer to "the boss" for your care of his property.

amen! Amen!