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Warning *A little long* I really need some objective opinions here.

ancientgirl
June 23rd, 2009, 02:07 PM
Some of you may have seen my thread about a guy I met with this past weekend.

http://www.pets.ca/forum/showthread.php?t=63565


I'm starting to rethink this and I'm getting a bad feeling. I've been stewing about this for several days, but I need some objective feedback and I know you guys can give that to me.

Here's a little information. When I was having lunch with this guy, his name is Peter, we had a good comfortable conversation. A few flags went up, but I know I'm a very picky person and I tend to get cold feet about relationships, so I looked past the flags and decided to go with it. He lives with his mother, which really isn't a terrible thing, but I got the feeling he's been living with her for a very long time. He told me he's been separated for about 5 years and this year he finally filed for divorce, so I get the feeling he's been living with his mom for 6 years. There are lots of photo's on his Facebook of him on the beach with his daughter and his mom, a trip to Arizona, with his mom, and he told me he went to some casino not long ago, with his mom.

So we continued with our talking and he said a few things that were word for word what I'd put on my profile. He was seeing a woman before me, for about 2 or 3 months, and they broke up just about a week or two ago. I'd even seen some conversations he had with her on Facebook, in which love and baby and such words of endearment were used. That's all fine and dandy, but I'm a little uncomfortable with those words being used after only 2 or 3 months.

After we finished lunch, we went to the mall which was across the street. We walked around for a while and he asked me if he could hold my hand. This made me uncomfortable, but I allowed it. After about half an hour, we decided to go somewhere else and have dessert. In the parking lot, he suggested we just take one car. Again, I felt uncomfortable, but I allowed it, telling myself, if he decided to take any back road I would immediately jump out of the car! We went less than a mile down the road and pulled into a Denny's. We had some dessert and then when we finished we left. As we were walking to the car, he suggested we go to South Beach. At this I said no. I told him I was tired and just wanted to go home. I did not feel comfortable going that far with him, so he took me back to the garage where my car was and we ended the date.

We made plans to meet Wednesday, Oh, btw, during our dessert, he showed me a little note, he kept from a fortune cookie he got last week. He said, "Don't freak out, I'm not trying to pressure you but read this." It said, "Your greatest wish will soon come true." Uncomfortable feeling creeping up. Anyway, we made plans to meet Wednesday for dinner. This morning, he emailed me and said, he'd like to take me to South Beach for a drive after dinner. AND he'd mentioned going to some casino this coming Saturday for his birthday.

I can't begin to tell you all how uncomfortable all this is making. I keep wondering if I feel like this because maybe I've just been single for so long I'm suspicious of everyone and ultimately in the back of my mind really don't want a relationship, or is this my gut telling me to run?

BenMax
June 23rd, 2009, 03:10 PM
Well I think you need to relax a little. This is how I interpret everything:

1 - he obviously loves and treats his mom very well and respectfully. That alone usually tells you he will treat his woman well. You cannot judge that he is a momma's boy until you get introduced to her - then all will be told.

2 - 2 to 3 months and words of endearment. That is a good thing. Again he is not calling her biach, wench, or other. So I say thumbs up - he has heart.

3 - He was polite by 'asking' first to hold your hand. If he did not take this for granted (which he did not) then it was up to you to reply, and you did. Never feel pressured - do what is right for you.

4 - They broke up 2 weeks ago - ok well this could be very premature indeed. But who knows??

Take things slowly and do not over think things so much. Go with the flow. If it does not feel right - then get out, but don't sabotage it. Give it a chance.

Life is far too short. Have fun for now and see where it goes....

ancientgirl
June 23rd, 2009, 03:13 PM
I think what's making me feel the most uncomfortable is the beach thing. I hate the beach first of all, and I just don't feel comfortable going that far in a car with someone I don't know that well.

BenMax
June 23rd, 2009, 03:15 PM
I think what's making me feel the most uncomfortable is the beach thing. I hate the beach first of all, and I just don't feel comfortable going that far in a car with someone I don't know that well.

Why feel uncomfortable? He may like the beach and asked if you wanted to go. There is no harm in that and I don't find that strange. You gave your reponse and he reacted well to it. Had he had a fit - then feel uncomfortable.

I think you are reading too much into this date.

Dracko
June 23rd, 2009, 03:16 PM
All I can say is follow your instincts. They are there for a reason and anytime I've ignored the RED FLAGS, it's always been a mistake.

ancientgirl
June 23rd, 2009, 03:19 PM
He sent me an email and I just told him I wanted to skip the beach and the casino. I'll have to see what he says then.

BenMax
June 23rd, 2009, 03:20 PM
All I can say is follow your instincts. They are there for a reason and anytime I've ignored the RED FLAGS, it's always been a mistake.

Absolutely good advice. Only she knows if they are truly red flags or just the jitters.

happycats
June 23rd, 2009, 03:23 PM
I don't know, but the mother thing scares me! Yes it's nice to be good to your mom but...(you ever watch Raymond) Marie comes to mind.


IMO If you do want to see him again, be totally honest and up front with him, tell him you want to go really slow, and that you would prefer dates closer to home, and if he doesn't agree to it, well then he's not the one for you :)

Masha
June 23rd, 2009, 03:30 PM
I have a friend who is just like that. He meets a woman and if he likes her, he wants to get close to her and spend as much time with her as possible right away. Nothing wrong with that, its a personality trait that you either like or don't...

I agree with BenMax, he was being respectful when he was asking you to hold your hand.

Everything about what you wrote, including his sweet talk with the ex, and spending a lot of time with his mom and child and asking to hold your hand before he did, and making all these plans with you right away just shows that he is someone who probably falls head over heels fast and is eager to be in a relationship, i dont see it as a bad thing. As long as he is being respectful and accepts your boundaries. I think its rather sweet that there are some men who are willing to put their heart on the line like that.

I say give him a chance, he sounds like a sweet guy.

Good luck!!

Masha
June 23rd, 2009, 03:33 PM
Wow there were so many replies while i was typing up my response... i need to be faster next time.

The mother thing may have put me off in a different situation, but he may just be lonely. He is divorced, a single parent, probably has to pay child support, which may explain why he lives with his mom...

I think sometimes when we are entering new territory and we are scared we may interpret this as 'red flags' but sometiems its just nerves, its hard to seperate nerves with red flags....

happycats
June 23rd, 2009, 03:39 PM
The big question is, does he love animals :D

14+kitties
June 23rd, 2009, 03:43 PM
I go along with the others with the go slow. If you don't feel comfortable going too far away from your stomping grounds then be honest and tell him. If you don't like the beach then you should definitely tell him. That is probably a huge part of his life from sounds of things. The mother thing - eh - being an ex-wife of a HUGE mama's boy - I would give it a while. If his mom is involved in every conversation, if she seems to make a lot of decisions for him, if he seems to want to talk to her all the time....... get on the horse of yours and ride away.... fast!!!
Red flags if you are an intuitive person are usually a good thing. But, I also am with someone who didn't meet my "norm" either. So far it's been 8.5 years. :thumbs up

aslan
June 23rd, 2009, 04:25 PM
I have to say i agree with benmax, masha and 14+. There could be many reasons why he lives with his mom. I lived with my mom a few years ago when a relationship broke up and i walked out with nothing. Then surgery for mom, etc etc. It could be to help her out financially, she may not be totally well, and so on.

A man now adays ASKING to hold your hand is rare. So far from what i gather he hasn't tried to kiss you, also rare. It sounds like he is a gentleman and has manners.

You really need to chill abit and stop reading so much into it. Always make sure you're safe first, but relax. Like 14+ i met someone who wasn't my norm and we've been together for 5yrs.

chico2
June 23rd, 2009, 04:35 PM
A-G,I really have no advice to give you,other than,if you like the man,his peronality etc..don't judge him because you might have different ideas about things,because he lives with his mother.
My middle son was 100% a mamas boy,but once he fell in love,that was it,no more mamas boy:laughing:
You are not going to meet a man,who is absolutely perfect in everything he does,the big question is,are the differences something you can accept,could you see yourself falling in love with him:confused:
Oh and,does he like animals??

NoahGrey
June 23rd, 2009, 04:54 PM
I agree I think you are reading into much into it. It's like you are scared of getting into a relationship and finding flaws into it.

I am just wondering if you are uncomfortable, why are you doing it? I noticed that you mentioned being uncomfortable a few times, but went along with it, then gave a well anywayy I went along with it.

The guy seems to be nice guy. Just take it slow.

ACO22

joeysmama
June 23rd, 2009, 05:44 PM
I don't think you're reading too much into it. I don't think it all means that you have to dump him before it gets off the ground. He may just be the kind of guy who is ready for a committment and enjoys being in a relationship. You know the saying "Don't wear your wedding gown on your first date." That applies to some guys too.

I will say that the asking to hold your hand thing was weird. That's kind of something you do because you feel comfortable enough to do it. It should be more natural you know? But on our first date Tom held my hand. I thought it was weird since we didn't know each other. It wasn't a natural thing to do, in my opinion. But hey--it's been about 30 years since that date so it wasn't a deal breaker. :laughing:

But you can always speed things up if it turns out that he's a great guy. It's more difficult to put the brakes on something is you move too fast in the beginning.

The part about living with his mother. That can go either way. We know a guy who moved in with his parents after his divorce because his ex wasn't the type to make a nice home for the kids and he wanted them to have the experience of a family life. Even though he was quite wealthy, he chose to live with his mom and dad so that when the kids were with him there was someone at the stove and someone playing games and more conversation going on--you know what I mean? He didn't date on the weekends that he had the kids and believe me--there's nothing wrong with this guy. He's a great catch. He just wanted the kids to have more security and not just "single dad" weekends.

But if you're not comfortable with the beach and the casino then DON'T GO. You have instincts for a reason and, as I said, you can always move things along later if you decide that you like him.

Ok--off my mom soapbox now! Aren't you glad you're not one of my kids. That would have gone on for a couple more posts, maybe an entire thread!

ancientgirl
June 23rd, 2009, 06:57 PM
Well turns out that even after he asked me to choose the restaurant we were to go to tomorrow, and he asked me what I wanted to do afterward, he decided that I was being too controlling.

Then proceeded to tell me if I didn't like the beach, sex, meat, fish, poultry then things may not be well between us.

Huh? Well, no I don't like the beach, I never have. Sex? Well, all I said was I think in a relationship it's secondary, because that eventually wanes and you have to have other things in common and as for the rest, what part of being a vegetarian did he not understand.

I'd been having an odd feeling all day, at least I know why.

ETA: He just emailed me. Basically, he just said he didn't think he could deal with so many cats.

Sorry, they aren't going anywhere.

glasslass
June 23rd, 2009, 08:05 PM
Good riddance! Not a good fit! He doesn't sound your type at all! Wait for a better one!

joeysmama
June 23rd, 2009, 09:08 PM
Next !

Seriously, he's not looking to get to know someone. He wants a mail order bride. You're better off without this one. HE sounds controlling!

TacoGrl
June 23rd, 2009, 10:59 PM
Boy, you have some luck! :laughing: Are you sure you aren't peeking into MY life?!?

Sounds like he was just into it for what he could get...before you posted about the e-mails I was thinking maybe he has attachment issues...wants to glom onto a woman...that ALWAYS sends me running! There is NOTHING wrong with telling a guy that you feel more comfortable taking seperate vehicles until you get to know him better btw. ;)

I wonder what would have happened if you had gone to the beach...I am thinking nothing good. :frustrated:

Dracko
June 24th, 2009, 02:18 AM
AG, I've been meaning to tell you this for a while and was just too lazy to write it out. To give you some encouragement...

I just started to date an ex of mine. We dated 10 years ago for 2 years. At that time I had 3 cats (still have the youngest of those ones, Mochie who is now 14). After we broke up I got Dracko (GSD), had to put down my two oldest cats and have acquired 4 more cats.

On his 40 bday his folks (who I have continued to have a relationship with over these years) invited me to his get together. He was surprised but happy to see me. Long story short, he asked if we could try dating again (he didn't ask that night but a short while later). I thought what the heck, some of the things that broke us up were no longer issues.

Well it's been 3 months and things are going well. The first time he came to stay at my place (he lives 2 hours away) he was so happy to see Mochie and Dracko didn't even bark at him. Though I didn't have Dracko when we dated we did remain friends and he had the opportunity to meet Dracko a number of times over the years. The FIVE cats are a non issue. Zippo. And he has one. :laughing: He considers, Gilmore, his cat, his best friend and treats him like a baby. He's more of a joke type guy than anything so I doubt most people would realize he is this much of a softy with animals.

The other day he was supposed to be out back at my house helping with yard work and I looked out the window and he was playing fetch with Dracko. :thumbs up Who cares about some leaves that need to be raked up when Dracko is having fun.

So, there are decent guys out there who love animals. I probably wouldn't have even entertained the thought of dating assuming that my animals would be too much for anyone so I know how you feel. I came across a guy at the dog park a while ago who had five dogs so there are guys out there probably thinking they'll never find a girl who will accept their animals either.

Oh and the first time he slept over Dracko jumped up on the bed the second he went to get in and did NOT want to let him lay down beside me. :laughing: It was funny but all I had to do was tell Dracko to lay at the bottom of the bed and he listened. Not sure if Dracko was being possessive about his side of the bed or protective of me. It is cute to see the cats walk all across my bf when he is sleeping and fortunately he sleeps pretty soundly and doesn't notice. The other morning Smitty walked up to his mouth and licked his lips! :p

Stick with your intuition. The only thing worse than being single is being in a relationship that isn't working out. You wake up one day and think "how the hell did I end up here" and have to figure a way out. Been there and never want to experience that again!

ancientgirl
June 24th, 2009, 06:42 AM
I usually go with my intuition. If there is something about someone I feel odd about, it usually turns out to be for a reason. From the get go I got the feeling this guy was moving a little fast, and his insistence in wanting to constantly taking me to the beach made me feel just plain uncomfortable. The beach is about a 15 minute highway ride. And no, I do not want to get into a car with a person I've known for so little time. If he didn't understand that, it's his issue.

I don't need to be with someone, but it would be nice to find someone.

Dracko, I'm glad you are giving it another try with this old boyfriend. I know there are guys out there in my same situation. I just have to keep looking.

Golden Girls
June 24th, 2009, 06:43 AM
I actually wanted to say this when you 1st posted - him on the beach with daughter and mom, Arizona with mom, casino with mom lol no friends? Asking to hold your hand :confused: it should just happen or not but discussing it ew ew

Suggesting one car ok FLAG If something makes you uncomfortable never mind what they might think, do not do it. Always go with your gut instincts. Not to scare you but so much could of happened here :shrug:

South Beach - sounds like maybe it's a 15 old lookout kinda thing where kids make out or whatever. He really really wanted you to agree to go there weird

Well turns out that even after he asked me to choose the restaurant we were to go to tomorrow, and he asked me what I wanted to do afterward, he decided that I was being too controlling.

Then proceeded to tell me if I didn't like the beach, sex, meat, fish, poultry then things may not be well between us.

Huh? Well, no I don't like the beach, I never have. Sex? Well, all I said was I think in a relationship it's secondary, because that eventually wanes and you have to have other things in common and as for the rest, what part of being a vegetarian did he not understand.

I'd been having an odd feeling all day, at least I know why.

ETA: He just emailed me. Basically, he just said he didn't think he could deal with so many cats.

Sorry, they aren't going anywhere.OMG :eek: what a :loser: I'd email him back and tell him he should ask to hold his mom's hand ... at the beach

geesh full time job weaning out creeps suks though I'm sorry. These online dating services I'm sure could be a good thing but it's also scary because they are ghosts literally and can create a new self - just like that :shrug:

I'd kinda stick to hopefully finding someone through someone :goodvibes:

ancientgirl
June 24th, 2009, 06:54 AM
GG, yeah these online services are just a crap shoot really. I know many people have been very lucky on them, but it takes time and you have to go through a lot of weirdos.

I'm fine with it really. The fact that I wasn't really looking forward to our next date told me it wasn't going to work out. He just gave me a feeling like he was up to something, and that's not a good way to start any relationship. Not to mention, I felt like he was moving way too fast.

Golden Girls
June 24th, 2009, 07:39 AM
(((hug))) anyways I'm sure it's discouraging, but don't give up, there's someone for everyone just got to find the right one is all :goodvibes:

Although not looking for a man I always pay attention while standing in line *bored* at the grocery store by what's in men's carts :p very interesting

ancientgirl
June 24th, 2009, 07:46 AM
LOL, you should see what goes in my grocery cart sometimes.:D

BenMax
June 24th, 2009, 07:49 AM
It just was not meant to be.

You know I have been manless now for 2 years. I do so because I choose it as I am not ready for that daunting dating dance. Maybe one day I'll decide to date again......who knows.

GG is right - the best places to meet a sweetie is the old fashion way. I have always meet interesting men at the dogpark, animal food stores, book stores and art galleries - the places that I obviously know I have in common with the people that are there. My first question is the animal question: how many do you have, I am an animal lover. I get the answer and then get the same question in return. We talk about animals because it's our passion, everything else just follows suit.

If something does not feel right or goes against your grain - then don't do anything that is uncomfortable for you. We are all different and have different morals or standards so getting our opinions on this may vary from person to person. I say do not compromise what is important to you, however concessions must be made at times to make things work. Though I absolutely love to always get my way - I had to make some minor adjustments to accept someone in my life and space.

Anyways, this guy is obviously no great lose. When one door closes, another one opens...he is there and probably closer than you think.:grouphug:

ancientgirl
June 24th, 2009, 07:55 AM
I say do not compromise what is important to you, however concessions must be made at times to make things work. Though I absolutely love to always get my way - I had to make some minor adjustments to accept someone in my life and space.

Anyways, this guy is obviously no great lose. When one door closes, another one opens...he is there and probably closer than you think.:grouphug:

Yes, there will always have to be a compromise of some sort, but if you like the person and it feels right, compromising is okay to a degree.

If I find the right guy, great, if not then that's okay too.

chico2
June 24th, 2009, 07:57 AM
GG,I've been told,the best place to meet a man is at the grocery-store Saturday:laughing:
Hubby has been hit on a few times by very talkative women in the store and he's 66yrs old:laughing:he says he can't help it,he's just friendly:laughing:
A-G,you'll meet someone perfect one day,I am sure,one day when you least expect it:grouphug:

BenMax
June 24th, 2009, 07:58 AM
Yes, there will always have to be a compromise of some sort, but if you like the person and it feels right, compromising is okay to a degree.

If I find the right guy, great, if not then that's okay too.

Good for you Girl!:thumbs up I am a true believer of 'everything happens for a reason'.

ancientgirl
June 24th, 2009, 08:29 AM
Chico, I've been single for a long time, I'm pretty used to being on my own. A little two legged company is nice now and then too.

I know at some point, I'll meet the right guy.:D

Jim Hall
June 24th, 2009, 09:20 AM
completly beside the point but why dont yu like the beach?

ancientgirl
June 24th, 2009, 09:24 AM
Jim, it's just never appealed to me. The sand, the heat, and I'm very light skinned, so I burn very easily. I do like to now and then go with my friends out on their boat. There is this sandbar that we sort of just hang out on, and I spend most of the time with my friend under the huge umbrella, because we both burn easily!

Dracko
June 24th, 2009, 10:31 AM
I'm not a sun lover either and would hate it if a guy suggested we go to the beach. Mind you, here in Saskatchewan I think it would be a 2 day trip to find one. :laughing:

AG, I went on a blind date a couple years ago. Had just met the guy and we went to a movie. The guy put his arm around me during it! I simply could NOT believe it. He didn't know me at all and did that! Maybe some people are all touchy feely but serious, you don't put your arm around someone and snuggle (which was his point) with someone you just met. Well, maybe if you are 15 and trying to get in a girl's pants you do. That turned me right off and I never went out with him again.

Guys who connect way too fast like that (and women who do) are ones to be wary of, imo. Too often they are looking for the "feeling" of being in love and not really looking at the person in front of them.

ancientgirl
June 24th, 2009, 10:36 AM
I'm not a sun lover either and would hate it if a guy suggested we go to the beach. Mind you, here in Saskatchewan I think it would be a 2 day trip to find one. :laughing:

AG, I went on a blind date a couple years ago. Had just met the guy and we went to a movie. The guy put his arm around me during it! I simply could NOT believe it. He didn't know me at all and did that! Maybe some people are all touchy feely but serious, you don't put your arm around someone and snuggle (which was his point) with someone you just met. Well, maybe if you are 15 and trying to get in a girl's pants you do. That turned me right off and I never went out with him again.

Guys who connect way too fast like that (and women who do) are ones to be wary of, imo. Too often they are looking for the "feeling" of being in love and not really looking at the person in front of them.

Dracko, I think you hit it on the head there. I've been going through his emails and thinking about the way he acted and the things he said, and even what I'd read on his Facebook, and it seems to me he really was looking to fall in love like yesterday.

I'm all for being all snuggly, but I want to get to know the person first before I get all touchy feely like that. There isn't anything wrong with wanting to fall in love, but trying that hard makes me want to run.

krdahmer
June 24th, 2009, 03:13 PM
When you meet the right one, it'll feel a lot less like work.;) I wish I had of figured that out in my early twenties! The flags were up for a reason....better luck with the next one!!! :goodvibes: