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I never imagined my niece & nephew were this bad.

ancientgirl
June 18th, 2009, 09:02 AM
Yesterday I was talking to my SIL. I was letting her know that my cousin had asked me for my brothers number, and then I asked her how my niece finally did in her final exam. My niece has been skipping school and failing classes during her entire time in HS. One of her teachers gave her an exam, that she could take home and do and gave her two weeks to complete it. If she got a good grade, she'd pass her and she'd graduate. Well, she didn't pass and so now she's not going to graduate.

Then my SIL told me that wasn't the worst. Last week her and my brother had to go to his ex's house because my niece was beating up on her mother!! WTH?

I was floored! I'm thinking what kind of a person beats up on their mother? And if she doesn't care about beating up on her mother, likely she could give a rats butt who she beats up on.

The worst part is my SIL said my brother was just saying to let the police take her to jail. HUH? That really made me angry. See, my brother's ex cheated on him, and they got divorced and he's never forgiven her. So he's taken the attitude of "she made her bed, now she can lay in it." Of course, at the expense of his kids having any kind of discipline or direction.

Even my nephew, who I thought had his act together, has failed the 10th grade!

I can't even talk to my brother, because he hasn't said anything to me or my dad, and my SIL told me only on the understanding that I wouldn't tell my brother she said anything.

I'm beyond words. I'd offer my niece a place to stay if she wants to maybe take some time away from home, but honestly, I don't trust her in the least little bit at this point. She hands around horrible people, her MySpace page is scary, as is my nephew's. I've told my brother and SIL to go and actually look at their pages, so they could get an idea of what the heck these kids are up to and in to. They didn't do it. In the past I went to my nieces page weekly, but I stopped because there really wasn't anything I could do. I wasn't being listened to, so I'm basically wasting my breath. But I don't trust allowing my niece into my home. I would be too afraid of something happening to my cats. Not that I think she'd harm them, but she'd likely not be paying attention one day and accidentally let one out, or worse, have some friends over without my knowing and what if her friends did something to my cats. Honestly, if something happened to my cats as a result of something my niece did, I'm sorry, but I'd beat the living tar out of her. So as bad as I feel, she cannot live with me. But at this point, I have no idea what is going to happen to these two kids.

My niece is 18, has no HS diploma, has no desire to work or study, and thinks she's going to meet someone, marry them and they will support her. My nephew is starting HS on the wrong foot and has already flunked one grade. :sad:

Melinda
June 18th, 2009, 09:11 AM
off hand I would say that the kids are acting out over the divorce, even if it did happen long ago (don't know when), they both need councelling, quickly, its funny the school hasn't suggested this already, the niece can't be forced to but the nephew should be able to get help before he follows in her footsteps, do they live with the mom? If I were you I would not even suggest her living with you, you're giving her an easy "out", she has to earn her place now, she is an adult, something will wake her up, and I'm afraid I agree with your brother, let the police step in and handle it, they will insist eventually that she get councelling, they may give her the choice of being charged or going with the councelling. Let them know you care, but don't take it further than that. Hopefully theirs eyes will be opened.

ancientgirl
June 18th, 2009, 09:17 AM
off hand I would say that the kids are acting out over the divorce, even if it did happen long ago (don't know when), they both need councelling, quickly, its funny the school hasn't suggested this already, the niece can't be forced to but the nephew should be able to get help before he follows in her footsteps, do they live with the mom? If I were you I would not even suggest her living with you, you're giving her an easy "out", she has to earn her place now, she is an adult, something will wake her up, and I'm afraid I agree with your brother, let the police step in and handle it, they will insist eventually that she get councelling, they may give her the choice of being charged or going with the councelling. Let them know you care, but don't take it further than that. Hopefully theirs eyes will be opened.

If I have my time-line correct, I think they have been divorced for at least 7-8 years. I agree, the kids should have received counseling, and should be receiving some now. The hardest thing is, my brother isn't one of those kind of people who share information. And I can't give my opinion without putting my SIL at risk for telling me. The good thing is, my current SIL is a hard-ass. She doesn't sugar coat things so I'm hoping she will be able to at least help open some eyes.

As for living with me, you are correct, that would not be a good idea. Not only because as you said, it's an easy out for her, but sadly, I just could not trust her.

Jim Hall
June 18th, 2009, 09:29 AM
ouch its very haed for kids walk the line these days good luck

ancientgirl
June 18th, 2009, 09:32 AM
It's not an easy time to be a kid, I get that. But all the more reason for the parents to have at the very least had a little more involvement in their lives.

Melinda
June 18th, 2009, 09:36 AM
oh I agree, parents are definately partially to blame, at the time of the divorce things should have been explained to the kids, time taken out to spend "me" time with each of them etc, right now its all acting out to get attention, doesn't matter what kind of attention, to them bad is just as good as good attention, but its not too late for them, the niece will slowly realize what she has become, hopefully it won't be too late for her.

LavenderRott
June 18th, 2009, 09:55 AM
Ok. Let me start this by saying that I am older and of a different generation. My children are 23, 22, and 11.

Personally - if my daughter beat me up - I would press charges! And I would testify against her in a court of law. Maybe the lesson learned at this age would be the lesson learned and she could walk away from it a better person. Or at least a little smarter.

Take the personal relationship out of it and look at it objectively. How many times, every single day, do we hear/see/read about someone who has been charged with a terrible crime (murderer, child molester, animal abuser) and their defense has been their lousy childhood? Isn't that the defense of the young man who was arrest last weekend for killing and mutilating cats in Florida?

Lots of people have lousy parents but manage to graduate from school, get a decent job and not break the law. Letting your neice move in with you to "take some time away from home" - to what? Sponge off of you? Sorry, but that isn't going to help her become a better person.

ancientgirl
June 18th, 2009, 10:02 AM
Take the personal relationship out of it and look at it objectively. How many times, every single day, do we hear/see/read about someone who has been charged with a terrible crime (murderer, child molester, animal abuser) and their defense has been their lousy childhood? Isn't that the defense of the young man who was arrest last weekend for killing and mutilating cats in Florida?

Lots of people have lousy parents but manage to graduate from school, get a decent job and not break the law. Letting your neice move in with you to "take some time away from home" - to what? Sponge off of you? Sorry, but that isn't going to help her become a better person.

True. Taking a step back, and looking at it from another angle, if it weren't my niece, I'd say the same thing. It's just hard to grasp that my flesh and blood would do something like that.

And no, I am not in a position to offer to take her in. She left home for several days not long ago, and since I found that out, I had been wondering if I should even suggest having her stay with me. But in reality, I just can't take the chance of her being in my home. I hate to turn my back on her, but I have difficult days dealing with my own life sometimes, I just don't think I can deal with hers as well. And like I said, I just can't trust her to be in my home.

Dog Dancer
June 18th, 2009, 04:58 PM
AG, trust your instincts. There's a definite reason you feel you can't trust her. You can meet with her for coffee or dinner, walk in a park and talk, lots of ways you can offer her moral support without offering her a free ride and risking your peace of mind. Trust yourself! And I agree that if it was my child and they beat on me, I'd be calling the police myself. Sounds like these kids need somebody to put down some rules for them, but it's not your job for sure.

chico2
June 18th, 2009, 05:23 PM
That sad child-hood excuse gets to me every time I hear it,I had a rough child-hood too,that does not mean you have to become an evil person.
This girl is 18yrs old,in my view an adult and she should learn to stand on her own 2 feet.
Also if one of my sons would beat me up,he would certainly spend some time in court.
Many of todays kids know,whatever they do,there will be no consequences only excuses,some tough love goes a long way.

AG,whatever you do do not bring her into your home,I did that for a young girl I felt sorry for,she'd just lost her mom.
One morning I woke up and she was gone,together with a few of our valuables.
Not only that,but she put her pet-Hamsters out in the snow to die,that made me angrier than anything else she'd done.

This niece of yours needs directions,a wake-up call,not a hand-out.

mikischo
June 18th, 2009, 05:32 PM
I agree with your brother. If she is beating up on her mother, that is not tolerable and the police should be definitely be involved. The niece is not a minor and if it works the same there as in Manitoba, the police would decide whether to lay charges, the family wouldn't have to, and the courts might even force her to go for councilling and perhaps the family could be involved in this. It could be the most loving to do for her. Tough love may not always be easy to practice but sometimes it is the best. That is my opinion.

aslan
June 18th, 2009, 05:34 PM
I'm sorry but i don't fall for the " poor me i come from a divorced family, blah blah. bull crap.| I have two step children who come from a divorced family. My daughter has graduated highschool. and my son graduates in a couple of weeks. This generation has everything friggen handed to them. Mom i want a ps3, ok dear, mom make me dinner. ok dear. The law has taken the ability to discipline children away from parents. The kids now don't have the fear of any repercussions like we did. They are walking around armed, shooting each other and anyone who gets in the way. I agree with Chico2 and Lavenderrott. charge them and see how they like it.

And the parents need to step up and start taking responsibility for the kids they created, not let video games and TV's raise their kids for them.

mikischo
June 18th, 2009, 05:49 PM
Perhaps, being a relative newcomer and due to the fact that many of you already know each other quite well and don't really know me yet, I should not have posted my opinion on such a personal subject. Just to let you know I am 58 years old:eek: and am speaking partly through my own experiences in life and those of my friends.

14+kitties
June 18th, 2009, 06:27 PM
OMG! If that child had been mine I would have been the one calling the cops. Please AG, under no circumstances let this "child" into your home. Your furries are way too important to you to risk them for any reason.
For Pete's sake, you can only blame a divorce for so long. My kids are a product of divorce. They are now 35 :eek:, 29, and 26. All of them are working honest, dependable jobs. The oldest has some issues but would never think of hitting me or any other person.

All you can do to try to help her AG is to listen when she wants to talk. But meet her somewhere for coffee or something. Not your place.

mikischo - Feel free to join in. :thumbs up

ancientgirl
June 18th, 2009, 06:58 PM
You are all correct. Perhaps learning that there are repercussions for what the things you do will help. I lost my mother at 16, and I went through a rebellious time, but I never disrespected my father.

There is no way I can bring her into my home, and if my father knew what was happening, he'd tell me outright not to bring her into my home. I could deal with having valuables taken, but there is no way I'd forgive or be able to deal with anyone hurting any of my babies!! Seriously, they'd be taking me to jail because I will beat the tar out of anyone who harmed them or even intended on harming them.

Mikischo, no worries. I posted because I needed to get it off my chest and I just couldn't wrap my brain around what happened. It's good to get opinions from other people and from what all of you have said, I do realize that tough love is probably what will get her straightened out.

onster
June 18th, 2009, 10:45 PM
AG I dont really know what to say..just wanted to give you :grouphug::grouphug: and say Im sorry your family is going through this. Its very hard when someone you love, and like u said of ure own flesh and blood is going thru something like this. I hope its just a phase for both kids/ young adults. I think the best thing you can do as an aunt right now is offer some sound advice and support.

chico2
June 19th, 2009, 07:52 AM
Mikischo,everyones opinion is respected,yes,we have many "old"members like me,but welcome newcomers and their opinions:thumbs up
So please do not apologize:cat:

I honestly believe"my"generation and our kids,maybe had to learn the hard way,what life is all about,but because of life-experiences became better human beings.
We cannot put a safety-net under our kids,but can teach them respect for others,as well as their parents.

Jim Hall
June 19th, 2009, 11:22 AM
freedom also means you accept the consequences of your actions

ancientgirl
June 21st, 2009, 03:08 PM
When I went to my brother's house for their Father's Day breakfast, my niece was there. I had a good talk with her, and got a little more information. She realizes what she did was totally wrong, and I told her she needed to get her act together.

I also told her that she could call me when she needed to talk. She's 18, and at an age where she wants her independence. I told her to finish getting her HS diploma, get started in college and to develop some kind of a skill, even if it's just one that will allow her to have a job to earn money while she goes to school. Then she can always get together with a friend and get their own place. I tried to make her understand, and hopefully I got my point across. She's 18, her life is just beginning. Waiting another year or two will only serve to help her. I also let her know she could call me any time she wanted. Hopefully she'll feel she can have someone to talk to before she does something stupid.