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Ahhhhh..how can I say no??

onster
May 15th, 2009, 07:39 PM
So my brother's BIL is getting married in about 4 wks. Last week him and his fiance asked me to be a bridesmaid (their bridesmaid backed out last min - long story). He met his fiance abroad and she just came to canada a few months ago for the wedding (then will have to leave and go thru immigration process).

Given that, the bride doesnt really know any girls here. Her MOH is coming in from Europe.

The problem lies in that at first I said I would love to ..but then in the same convo I asked if i had to wear anything specific, they said anything green. The next day, after some thought, I called and said I was really sorry but with such short notice I didnt think I would have time to find anything. They said it was alright but I promised to have a look with my parents. I did and found nothing and told them.

The bro's MIL then told me that she was sure a certain store in a town an 1.5 away would have something. She wanted to go with me but I didnt want to feel pressured into getting something so I went with my mom and dad. Found nothing. The real problem is I wear a larger size + it has to be very conservative (to my wrists and to the floor...for my bros wedding i wore strapless but had bolero made)..add to that that it needs to be green and found ASAP..its practically impossible! I also have to study for my LSAT which is 3 days b4 the wedding . Ahhhhh.

So i told the bride and groom when I went out with them and they were fine with it, very understanding.

Now my bro's MIL called once again. She said it doesnt have to be green anymore, just have touches of green. She would like to go around with me tomorrow (she apparently knows stores). I told her i really just dont have time to be dress shopping with my study schedule. She says its ok we'll just make it the one day and if not...then she will make me a dress because she can sew.

What have I got myself in to? How can I say no without hurting their feelings? The dress really is my main issue and lack of time...but if she offered to make me one...but then what if she makes me something completely hideous?? then I *have* to wear it. I mean I dont have to look fabulous lol..but what if it seriously hideous??? I emailed my SIL about it and she told me *not* to go shopping with her mom cuz her taste is kinda not so nice. She told me I have to be firm with her mom cuz she is very persistant. Yes I see that now:rolleyes: but I have a hard time saying no :o. Ive tried nicely saying you know I really cant find anything - I dont have time -its hard to find something higab (head scarf) appropriate. The thing is I only met the bride once b4 she asked me to be bridesmaid. Since Ive met her one more time. As for the groom, I think I met him 5 times total - one of which was at my bro's wedding!! This is all very awkward.

We dont even have bridesmaids in my culture so ive never even been a bridesmaid (my SILs family are canadian).

14+kitties
May 15th, 2009, 08:09 PM
You, my dear, are experiencing a real conundrum. I don't have any answers for you. Just wanted to say good luck. :grouphug: It's a tough situation.

onster
May 15th, 2009, 08:17 PM
thanks 14+ :grouphug: It's really stressing me out. This is my brother's family now..and i guess my family too. Its very hard not to offend anyone or hurt feelings.

I was so surprised they asked me to bridesmaid. The ceremony is in their church (roman catholic), so I will be there with my headscarf and all. Apparently her MOH is also muslim but doesnt wear headscarf.

At my bro's wedding we had a priest (i think its a priest?) bless the rings and give a talk to respect her family and a muslim sheikh do the wedding but it wasnt at a church or mosque (muslim weddings arent usually done in mosque)..just at the reception hall.

I just thought it might be kinda weird for the church go-ers, lol. For both our families its cool though.

TacoGrl
May 15th, 2009, 10:13 PM
I am Catholic and we have ladies who wear headscarfs in attendance with people who don't. :shrug:

I think it is an honour they asked you...sorta, however, you barely know them and it is ok to just say no. The other person backed out and it doesn't mean you can't too. I know how the bride feels though, I too know very few women and the guys I know would just look silly in bridesmaids dresses :o

I would seriously deal with it before it turns into a runaway snowball and then you have no choice and feel resentment towards them...my :2cents:

onster
May 15th, 2009, 11:34 PM
It *is* an honor tacogrl. I was very flattered that they chose me (they didnt choose my SIL..but then she never met her soon to be SIL).

I'm going tomorrow because I promised I would...but my problem is how do I say no without being mean? My excuse is the dress..i mean honestly i dont midn being bridesmaid otherwise. The Mom offered to make me one though if we dont find anything....so what can I say truthfull? Im worried the dress will be hideous? lol i cant say that! she is very persistant.

baaaah. Ill figure it out. the thing is ive pretty much said i cant to the bride and groom and they said they understand, they didnt give me much time etc. Its the mom. That and I normally have trouble saying no anyway........this bridemaids business is really not so much fun :S The bride and groom and the mom are really very sweet though....which makes it harder to say no. Especially since I know she really doesnt have other options, ya know?


Oh and about covering the hair yes I just found that out..i wasnt aware that some catholics covered their hair in church.

Gail P
May 17th, 2009, 11:58 PM
Maybe if she finds a dress that you don't like you can just be honest and say that you don't feel it suits you and you would spend the entire time feeling self-conscious. I know the feeling, I was a bridesmaid in a friend's wedding once and although the dress was beautiful, I spent the entire time wondering how badly the black mark on the front of it showed up (it somehow got the mark while at the bridal shop in between fittings and when I got it - too late the day of the wedding to do anything about it).

JennieV
May 19th, 2009, 02:33 PM
Hey onster...All I can say is OYYY! I think that if you can - get out of it, blame your studies, blame your schedule, because obviously, your dress excuse is not working. Tell the MIL that you are falling behind on your studies now, and you cannot afford not even an hour extra-curricular activities.

I got sucked in like that, I was made into a MOH, and I didn't have a clue what I was supposed to do to begin with, and to add insult to injury, the girl that asked me to be her MOH is not even talking to me. Soooo, after I bought the dress (about $240+ alterations) , which was a crappy cut, that didnt suit me at all, and after I spent close to $300 on my train tickets and my time off work, and left my hubby behind, sick at the time, because he wasn't invited - she doesn't even talk to me. She pretty much ignored me the whole wedding day, granted, she had her mind on other things, but I know that if I could have chosen again - I would have not accepted the honour.

Are you invited/Do you intend to attend the wedding?

What you can say is the following: " I truly am flattered with the honour and if the timing was different I would have loved to be there, but given my very very hectic schedule and given the difficulties in finding appropriate attire, I am very sorry but I have to to disappoint you and say NO to your request." If you intend to go to the wedding, add that you are looking forward to see them on their wedding day, as their guest ("I would be very happy and honoured to be present on your wedding day, as your guest.")

If you don't intend to attend/not invited to the wedding, get a really nice greeting card and write it out by hand, its much more personal that way. Don't forget to wish them lots of happiness, joy, love etc..

As well, I think that once you have given your official NO, you could ask them to ask the insistant MIL to back off, if needed.

I hope this works out. Otherwise, give in, take it all in and try to enjoy. But I think you should get out of this while you can...LOL

onster
May 19th, 2009, 03:12 PM
Oh Jennie it *is* a nightmare.

Saturday was horrendous. Absolutely horrendous.

I woke up early and got ready for pick up at 9 even tho i had a late night studying. Im waiting and keep looking out the door and then finally 9:30 get a call that she'll leave her house in 15. okay no problem (but i coulda done w extra sleep).

Then we go to a bridal store. We tell the assistant the whole deal and she says she's got one dress. It's *4* sizes too big and gold very simple satin. Tried it on..nice enough but big. The MIL said ohh its very easy to take in (bc she can sew) and of course so did the shopkeep. Then teh MIL starts 'finding' other dresses. Holy hideousness.

So i said you know what ill just go with the gold one, i like it. If its easy to alter then ill just buy it and ill make a bolero. It was on sale for 165 so not bad at all. Nope! this was 11am. We had to go all these other stores all over town and in the next towns. We had to go bk to the store I went to with my parents (old ladies clothes), this time with FIL too. So i have both of them choosing hideous dresses. Me saying politely over and over no. They were trying to help i guess by choosing dresses already with sleeves or jackets..but lemme tell you, you cant really get dresses with sleeves here unless your 60 or something. Very matronly. Im only 22 for God's sake! Plus I said i was fine with making a bolero.

Then we go back to their house because now she wants to loan me the dress she wore to my bro's wedding (golden). Ummmm ok she's an older woman! her style is completely different. Plus to be honest I never really liked her dress! Still she made me try it on and raved about how gorgeous it was and I had to politely turn down again.

Then they wanted to take me to fabric store to checkout fabric for the bolero. At this point they wanted a green bolero (what the hell am i ever gonna use that for again?!?!). The dad wanted me to get embroidered fabric so the top isnt too plain..the mom wanted me to get lace then i could get something underneath in green to match the MOH. :yuck: I think i was gonna cry at this point..it was around 5 and I was thoroughly exhausted.

I tried getting out of the whole golden scalloped bridal lace thing on top of green by saying with such short notice a tailor wouldnt have time for something complex. The MIL & FIL say nonono any tailor who knows anything can do it easy peasy. I say ill take a sample and show to parents (have them say no). Then the MIL said she'll make me a bolero! She has time she wants to do it. Then the FIL starts talking in their language...i understood a bit ..basically saying i should go to a tailor, why is she volunteering??

Then they take me bk to their house so that the FIL and fiance (girl who im bridesmaid for) can go to church. MIL supposed to take me home then but then after they left the MIL realized she forgot her keys in the car and she had no spare. So i had to wait for them to come back from mass. When they come back the BIL and the fiance look all p-d off. The BIL has guns a blazing saying i have to wear plain green bolero - i cant be wearing lace or anything because then ill outshine the bride. The mom gets red faced and teary.

I just want to crawl under a table at this point!!! theyre having a fight in front of me....then i tell them i prefer a plain bolero.ill just do wht the bride and groom want. They say they want plain green..i say ok. I get driven home.






I get home and hug my mom and thank her for being normal :crazy: hahaha

I went to tailor today she said the dress is def more complicated to fix. Cuz its so huge if she takes it in from the sides itll bulge at the front. She has to add rouching/pleats to the front. Also she says green bolero the partic shade of green they want will be near impossible to find matching fabric for and will be hideous w the gold. So im just gonna do a green headscarf.


I hate this :yell:

SIL
May 19th, 2009, 03:19 PM
Onster all I can do is send you lots of :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:
When I got married I had a bridesmaid and a moh...one is tall and lean, the other, not so much. Luckily we ended up going to Reitmans and something that fit both of them with the moh having a bolero that went along with the dress. Good luck....

onster
May 19th, 2009, 03:21 PM
Looks like im gonna have an experience like you or worse :yuck:

Also im paired up with the other bro who is seriously weird. The first time they came to our house he came with a sketchbook . The parents said at the door "its for in case he gets bored".

Ummmmm. He was 20 at the time. This was a formal visit the first time their family came to our home.....i dont think thats acceptable? Maybe its just my fam..but 1) you dont tell ppl at the door as ure entering their house for the first time that their 20 yr old has a sketchbook with him in case he gets bored 2) 20 yr olds are old enough to just suck it up in formal settings and just sit nicely without extra entertainment.

I dunno maybe im too harsh..but it wasnt a good first impression. After that i met him maybe 3 times..never talks to me or anyone in my fam. He seems to be going through that Emo kind of of stage. Tho i have seen him a few times aroung campus with his friends...so he isn't really antisocial..just to us? :shrug:

Oh and I rsvped to the wedding the day before they asked me to be bridesmaid (that I was coming with my mom). So yeah...i kinda already had said i was going.

onster
May 19th, 2009, 03:26 PM
Thanks SIL :grouphug::grouphug:


Im really dreading this. Im also thinking just about the day as a whole. That ill have to be at thead table with them the whole time. The best man is best friend of the BIL, the MOH is best friend..the other groomsman is the bro. Im just kinda be there and im sure the bro isnt gonna choose that particular day to be talkative/ friendly towards me.

I was kind of looking forward to sitting with my mom and my bro and SIL (who are flying in for the wedding).

Let me tell you....next time im asked to be bridesmaid (if I am) im just saying no! Unless its like one of my really close friends or something. Its hard when ure not close to them becuase u cant even have an honest dialogue with them..you have to be courteous and all lol not that im not courteous with friends..but u know what i mean?

SIL
May 19th, 2009, 03:31 PM
Onster...I hope you get a chance to enjoy the day. I know exactly what you mean, I dread going to parties where I don't know people and having sit at the head table would just drive me crazy. I've been a moh at 2 weddings, both were very small with no head table set up so I've been lucky.

Chris21711
May 19th, 2009, 03:54 PM
I am really feeling for you Onster, but man this makes for good reading :laughing:

Here you can borrow my bong 52180....j/k

chico2
May 19th, 2009, 04:14 PM
OMG Onster,what have you gotten yourself into:evil:,there probably was a reason the first MOH backed out and now you are stuck.
All you can do at this point,although I would have said no,is enjoy hopefully a good meal,dance and try to have fun:cat: