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The state of my mind.

ancientgirl
March 25th, 2009, 12:44 PM
I need to stop watching and reading anything having to do with news. I'm in this constant state of worry and it's upping my anxiety levels to the point where I'm having a difficult time focusing on my work. At night, I don't even want to go to sleep, because I'm afraid something will happen. Don't ask me what that something is. I used to not mind living alone, and now I'm really scared and depressed about it. At this point, I'm just pretending I'm okay. I can't let anyone know just how on the edge I truly feel. It's the pretending that's making it really difficult to function.

By nature, I am a worry wart. Add to this the horrible state of the economy, wondering about my job, my issue with my eye this past Monday and now last night, Kiska was sick again. My little Kiki was throwing up, and she was pooping very stinky mushy poop:sad:. Thankfully, I had medication left over, and gave that to her. That helped, and I was able to call my friend at the vet office this morning and she's getting me more medication. I'll make another appointment to see her vet after next week. We need to follow up on her liver.

All of this is making me feel like I'm going mad. I need something to help me control this. I've been in need of my medication for a while and I've just been trying to get by and deal with my issues on my own. Thinking I could get a grip well enough. I can't. Right now, I'd love nothing more than to just close myself in a room and scream and cry and that's not normal.

So, next week, I'll see my doctor and tell him I need help. I could go this week, but I don't get paid until next week. *rolls eyes*

Bina
March 25th, 2009, 01:01 PM
You have made the most important first step.....admitting that you need help.
When I had open heart surgery 3 years ago, it started a chain reaction of depression, anxiety and worry. It goes hand in hand with a feeling of no control and fear.
I'm not angry about anything, sh-t happens. But I do get anxious.
Your doc may recommend anti-depressants......I refused those because I'm already on new heart meds and I'm not depressed.
What I did was accept a prescription for low dose Ativan (like valium).
Just having them on hand helps me to avoid the feeling of panic. And I do take half a pill before I go to the dentist.
I'm able to sleep without any pills. The key is to avoid stress. Avoid coffee. Avoid too much sweets. Avoid booze.
Sounds boring, but it helps. I hope you find some relief. :)

RolandsMom
March 25th, 2009, 01:07 PM
Im glad you realise that you need the help. some people would just shut down. Youre a strong woman. Hold onto that! Sorry about the trouble you are dealing with. All I can really offer from way over here is lots of hugs. I hope they bring some sunshine to your rainy day. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

ancientgirl
March 25th, 2009, 01:15 PM
Bina, RolandsMom, thank you. Just being able to talk/write about it helps. One of my big issues is, I really just feel so shut in sometimes. I don't know a lot of people in my every day life. The state of my finances holds me back from even doing what I used to love most, hanging out at the book store and coming home with a few books.

I'm not too proud to ask for help in the pill form, that's for sure. I'm also afraid that my issue may also be hereditary. So that doesn't help.:frustrated:

The hugs and kind words are certainly appreciated.

BenMax
March 25th, 2009, 01:28 PM
ancientgirl - you are not alone. I for one have been on my own for 16 years. I am 44 years old. I have had the odd 'guy' but that is all they were -no one that I would say completes me. I learned to complete myself and being alone is now a pleasure as I truly like who I am. That really is step one - love yourself (sounds so darn corny but it is true).

If you need meds then take them. The problem with them is that you end up feeling nothing and actually feeling miserable is at least a feeling. Everyone however does react different to them.

Take it from someone who has been there and has survived. Your mind is a very powerful tool. It can get you out of a funk or put you into one. There is an ongoing battle mentally with everyone. Some need a little assistance medical wise and others do not.

Live today as today and tomorrow as tomorrow. Don't worry about things that have not happened yet.

I know only too well about the financial stuff (heck I lived on bread for months) but I did get myself back onto my feet - and at that time I also had a young child to support. I made sure she had something to eat and I would not if it was the way to get bills paid etc. Did I feel like I was in a black hole - absolutely but I kept fighting.

I am where I am today not because of luck. I am here because I remained as positive as I could be. Some days are more difficult than others but I sure glorify those wonderful days, events or moments. This keeps me balanced.

You will be ok and know that you have friends here.:grouphug:

Bina
March 25th, 2009, 01:29 PM
Oh boy....I know about shut in......I live in a rural area on a farm, and I'm not confident to drive the car anymore.
Can you borrow books from a library?
There are even Scrabble playing sites on the internet.

ancientgirl
March 25th, 2009, 01:37 PM
ancientgirl - you are not alone. I for one have been on my own for 16 years. I am 44 years old. I have had the odd 'guy' but that is all they were -no one that I would say completes me. I learned to complete myself and being alone is now a pleasure as I truly like who I am. That really is step one - love yourself (sounds so darn corny but it is true).

Sounds like me. The odd one here and there. The thing is, I really have/had no problem being alone. I had gotten to a point where I was comfortable with it. Liking my independence and privacy. It's this fear of the unknown, of this, that and everything that has me afraid of being alone.

If you need meds then take them. The problem with them is that you end up feeling nothing and actually feeling miserable is at least a feeling. Everyone however does react different to them.

Take it from someone who has been there and has survived. Your mind is a very powerful tool. It can get you out of a funk or put you into one. There is an ongoing battle mentally with everyone. Some need a little assistance medical wise and others do not.

Live today as today and tomorrow as tomorrow. Don't worry about things that have not happened yet.

I know only too well about the financial stuff (heck I lived on bread for months) but I did get myself back onto my feet - and at that time I also had a young child to support. I made sure she had something to eat and I would not if it was the way to get bills paid etc. Did I feel like I was in a black hole - absolutely but I kept fighting.

I am where I am today not because of luck. I am here because I remained as positive as I could be. Some days are more difficult than others but I sure glorify those wonderful days, events or moments. This keeps me balanced.

You will be ok and know that you have friends here.:grouphug:

The money issue, I'm taking care of little by little and it's one of the few things I feel I am getting a grip on. I called another credit card company this morning and made a request to settle that account. So I'm working my way out of that. It's actually one of the few things I look forward to, being rid of that debt and having some extra money.


Bina, It's not so much buying the books, it's just the wandering around. I love just looking at the books, reading little excerpts, seeing the people, having a coffee at the cafe and reading a magazine. It was the one thing that got me out there.

Luvmypitgirls
March 25th, 2009, 01:46 PM
Ancient, I can relate to the anxiety. I was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder a few years ago, along with a form of OCD, where I constantly have to recheck everything. For example, I know I locked my front door, but I have to go check it over and over again before I am truly satisfied that it is infact locked. And I know I put the margarine away, but I have to go and recheck and recheck.
I went on an anti depressant that helped with both my anxiety and OCD symptoms, which were connected. I'm not on the anti depressants anymore, because I was able to learn new ways to control my anxiety which reduced my OCD symptoms.

I still take Ativan, for extremely high anxiety situations like the dentist, or when my youngest son is going in for major surgery, which helps keep my anxiety in check.

I applaud you for admitting that you need help, there is no shame in needing and asking for help. I also commend you for opening up here, as you can see by several posts, you are not alone.

If you ever need to chat, I'm here for you too, just PM me.

Meanwhile, hugs to you, stay strong, and please go see your doctor.

chico2
March 25th, 2009, 01:48 PM
A-G:grouphug::grouphug:you do have friends,a lot of us care about you very much,you and your beautiful cats.:lovestruck:
Please don't fret and spend money you can sorely spare going to the vets as soon as one of the kitties have an upset tummy,if it is an ongoing thing yes,but my cats get the runs ever now and then,I think they all do.

These are scary times,even for us as pensioneers,to see our retirement money disappearing,but we've been through worse,we will be ok and so will you.
I keep forgetting you have to pay to see a doctor,but when you go,I hope he can help...in the meantime,pour your heart out to us,we are here to try to help,ok!:grouphug:
I often wonder about your parents,I know we don't all get along with our parents,but are they not nearby to help you out??

14+kitties
March 25th, 2009, 02:02 PM
AG - you can still go to the bookstore, wander around, read the books. You don't need to buy the coffee. Then you can leave there with ideas of books you want to read and go to the nearest library. That way you still get the people feed you need (we all do) and you get to read some interesting books. :shrug:
The meds.... you have been on them before. You know how they affect you. You know what you can handle. :thumbs up
And you know that we all love and care for you. :grouphug:

BenMax
March 25th, 2009, 02:09 PM
Oh I have a great suggestion. Do you like to paint? I found this so relaxing and rewarding. Sometimes when you accomplish something that you create you feel that much better.

ancientgirl
March 25th, 2009, 03:01 PM
LMP, thank you. It is comforting to know there are others who understand what it's like dealing with something like this. I've never been diagnosed with OCD, but I may have some slight issue with it. I find lately I tend to check certain things often as well. I know the medication will help. Once I can get a grip, then perhaps I can find a way to deal with my issues that aren't solely with pills.

Chico, I know, you're right. But, I never had pets as a child other than two parakeets that my parents set loose, and some fish. As a teenager, well I think I've spoken about my two cats and one dog. After about 17, that's it. I wish I knew more about my cats, what is normal and what isn't. Maybe I'd be less worrisome when something happens. As for my parents, my mother passed away when I was 16 and my dad I see every couple of weeks. He's semi-retired so he still has to work. My brother does live close by, but as I recently found out, he's got his own issues to deal with. We're a mess.:rolleyes:

14+, yes I do know the medication helps. That's why I've decided I need to get back on them. I think I'd also like to try Yoga and medication. Maybe take a class or something. Anything to help.

BenMax, I've thought about painting, but then I get visions of dozens of paw prints in different colors on the floor, walls, carpet, laminate flooring :laughing: However, I have been looking for a creative outlet that will be less messy with 5 curious cats.


It's very comforting to know I can come here. I thank the heavens above I found this place and you all. If it were not for all of you, I don't know where I'd be right now. This forum has helped me in so many ways. Thank you all so much.:grouphug:

BenMax
March 25th, 2009, 03:10 PM
We all need someone to lean on from time to time. I vent when I have had it 'up to here' with poor Frenchy at times. Sorry Frenchy :D.

When I was younger I used to have to count to 3 for everything. Everything HAD to be done in 3's. Coughing, brushing in multiple of 3's, turning a door knob, blowing my nose...you name it. I also was not allowed to walk in the cracks of the side walk or something bad would happen. Well to make a long story short when I was about 12 years old, I challenged myself to do things in 4's, then 3's (again), 2's and then finally 1's. I wanted to see if anything really bad would happen....never did. I then started to force myself to walk on the cracks of the sidewalk...well needless to say I am still here.:D.

Back then there were no words for what I was doing. I watched carefully my daughter doing things very similiar - and I challenged her to the same.

ancientgirl
March 25th, 2009, 03:16 PM
That's very eye opening because there are little things in my childhood and things I do now that are similar to that.

BenMax
March 25th, 2009, 03:27 PM
That's very eye opening because there are little things in my childhood and things I do now that are similar to that.

That is pretty much normal. Sometimes it is best not to over analyse the things we do. Take baby steps. If you want to break habits do it one thing at a time. It's just like credit cards. You pay a little on one and more on another. Soon, one credit card is down and you can concentrate on the other. Just keep chipping away.

Winston
March 25th, 2009, 03:30 PM
AG you are such a sweetheart! You say what you feel and that is great! Since we all dont know one another personally I will tell you that I am very much the same way except...To me a spade is a spade so to speak? I call it the way it is...no beating around the bush just saying it..One thing I have learned is that if I cannot do anything about it, I dont worry about it? does that make sense..kinda of like dont fuss over it if you cant do anything about it? It takes time to let things go as they say. Most of us overthink things, lots of times there is nothing we can do about it but we still sit and dwell upon it??

Now I dont mean that I dont care? cause many things upset me too! its just how I have learned to deal with it. You will figure out what works for you dont worry! I also think that everyone has a bit of OCD in them...we all just deal with it in a different way.

I am very grateful for the type of medical care I have in Canada compared to having to pay for everything!

Go to the library, go to the mall, go for a walk when the weather is nice. Matter of fact take that book your going to get from the library and go to the park or beach and read it! There are lots of ways to enjoy your time!! part of it is that you have to get motivated!!! we all get like this!

Cheer up! I always look forward to another day cause they can always get better! :D

You know to reach me anytime!

ancientgirl
March 25th, 2009, 05:50 PM
AG you are such a sweetheart! You say what you feel and that is great! Since we all dont know one another personally I will tell you that I am very much the same way except...To me a spade is a spade so to speak? I call it the way it is...no beating around the bush just saying it..One thing I have learned is that if I cannot do anything about it, I dont worry about it? does that make sense..kinda of like dont fuss over it if you cant do anything about it? It takes time to let things go as they say. Most of us overthink things, lots of times there is nothing we can do about it but we still sit and dwell upon it??

Now I dont mean that I dont care? cause many things upset me too! its just how I have learned to deal with it. You will figure out what works for you dont worry! I also think that everyone has a bit of OCD in them...we all just deal with it in a different way.

I am very grateful for the type of medical care I have in Canada compared to having to pay for everything!

Go to the library, go to the mall, go for a walk when the weather is nice. Matter of fact take that book your going to get from the library and go to the park or beach and read it! There are lots of ways to enjoy your time!! part of it is that you have to get motivated!!! we all get like this!

Cheer up! I always look forward to another day cause they can always get better! :D

You know to reach me anytime!

Winston, I used to be like that. Several years ago, I got into a head on collision. My car was close to being a total loss. I was angry and upset, but didn't dwell. As you said, there wasn't anything I could do about it, it happened so I just moved on. Mind you, I now feel like every car is coming at me.

But hopefully, I can little by little get my life back.

I'm also happy I've made myself a little plan to get the credit cards dealt with. That is helping me at least look forward to what I'm going to do with the extra money I'll have. I figure, looking towards a goal might help me keep my spirits up.

Dee-O-Gee
March 25th, 2009, 10:07 PM
Oh I have a great suggestion. Do you like to paint? I found this so relaxing and rewarding. Sometimes when you accomplish something that you create you feel that much better.

Benmax is SOOO correct :thumbs up

Painting, drawing, or doing something construction but just be creative :lightbulb:

Here's the flip side.....LISTEN TO MOZART :lightbulb:

I'M SERIOUS!!!! Mozart is so calming to the mind that it helps concentrate on the task at hand. :sorry: that's this is kinda weird but it really does work.

ancientgirl
March 26th, 2009, 07:49 AM
I do need to start listening to more music at home, and just get myself doing something other than just watching TV or surfing the net.

Doing something creative is a good idea. Maybe this weekend I can have a look at a few art supply stores and see what I might be able to do.

Jim Hall
March 26th, 2009, 07:53 AM
good morning


yeah mozart and bach
dont have much to add to all the great advice you got except to say that you are loved and respected here .

chico2
March 26th, 2009, 08:02 AM
Soothing music in the background and maybe yoga(rent free CD from library)will unscramble your mind and make you feel better.
You are a vegetarian,maybe you are lacking some nutrients???

ancientgirl
March 26th, 2009, 08:02 AM
Thank you Jim. It's comforting to know there are places to go and people to talk to that you can just feel comfortable coming to when you need an ear.

ancientgirl
March 26th, 2009, 08:04 AM
Soothing music in the background and maybe yoga(rent free CD from library)will unscramble your mind and make you feel better.
You are a vegetarian,maybe you are lacking some nutrients???

Chico, I thought about the lacking nutrients thing, but my anxiety issues started before I became a vegetarian. Still, it's worth looking into.

BenMax
March 26th, 2009, 08:06 AM
Soothing music in the background and maybe yoga(rent free CD from library)will unscramble your mind and make you feel better.
You are a vegetarian,maybe you are lacking some nutrients???

I never thought of that Chico2 - but you are absolutely right. I wish I thought of that. This is so very true. I was a veggie before but had to alter my diet and infact this did make a huge difference.

AG - please consider what Chico2 is saying - it makes alot of sense. As they say - We are what we eat.

Darn - you're good Chico2!!:thumbs up

AG - I thought of you all night. Please know you will be ok.

ancientgirl
March 26th, 2009, 08:25 AM
Yeah, I do need to make some major changes in my diet. I sat here for a few minutes and thought about what I've added to my diet to compensate for the lack of meat, and I've added more carbs to my diet. That not only has made me gain weight, but also, carbs have such little nutritional value.

Chico, I could very well be lacking in some major vitamins.

breeze
March 26th, 2009, 08:28 AM
http://www.radiosrichinmoy.org/meditation_music

http://www.poetseers.org/lin/free-meditation-music-downloads




there is a lot of these type sites that will let you download
type in meditation music or relaxation music and see what you come up with.

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

you can also try a vitamin "B" complexe witch is also important.

ancientgirl
March 26th, 2009, 08:43 AM
Breeze, I love Sitar music. Thanks for those links. I'm going to listen to some now at work. When I get home I'll see if I can download some onto my laptop.

Jim Hall
March 26th, 2009, 09:19 AM
oh no u got to get protien ag that may be the problem right there i know i get weird when i dont get enough

try peanut butter

ancientgirl
March 26th, 2009, 09:44 AM
I don't get enough protein, you are correct. Peanut Butter will work. Is cheese considered protein?

Dog Dancer
March 26th, 2009, 10:37 AM
AG yes cheese is considered protein. You can also get protein from nuts (almonds are great). Mind how many you consume because you also get fat from them.

I don't have any advice for you AG, but just wanted to let you know that everybody here cares about you and wants the best for you. :grouphug:

If you're not into painting, how about something like cross-stitching. I don't do much of it anymore, but used to find it so relaxing to sit down at night and do some.

You're in my thoughts and prayers. Take good care of yourself.

Jim Hall
March 26th, 2009, 10:44 AM
yeah chessse is but a lot of carbs and fa t too

ancientgirl
March 26th, 2009, 10:58 AM
AG yes cheese is considered protein. You can also get protein from nuts (almonds are great). Mind how many you consume because you also get fat from them.

I don't have any advice for you AG, but just wanted to let you know that everybody here cares about you and wants the best for you. :grouphug:

If you're not into painting, how about something like cross-stitching. I don't do much of it anymore, but used to find it so relaxing to sit down at night and do some.

You're in my thoughts and prayers. Take good care of yourself.

Thank you. I have never tried cross-stitching, but there's a Michael's and Jo-Ann's fabric close to where I live and I think I'm going to have a look this weekend to see what I can do. I am also thinking if I can't paint, I can try buying some poster board and some good quality markers, and use that. Maybe do some cartoony portraits of the gang. :D

I like nuts, most all kinds, and I love cheese, so that's good. I can always use them as protein. Jim's idea of Peanut Butter is also good because I love peanut butter. I can't eat beans for a while, since I'm just pain tired of eating them and well, I'm a little gassy:o

I do appreciate that I have such wonderful friends here. Thank you so much.

Dog Dancer
March 26th, 2009, 04:10 PM
You know I was reading a blog elsewhere and the op was depressed and going on, and somebody suggested that she write herself a list of everything good and wonderful in her life. What makes her happy and makes her smile. You know what, I think that's a great idea! My dogs make me happy and make me smile, walking them makes me happy and makes them happy too! Chocolate makes me really happy... wine too... I'm grateful to have a roof over my head, I may not always be happy, but I am grateful. So try a happy list maybe and keep it handy so you can add to it when something makes you smile.

ancientgirl
March 26th, 2009, 05:45 PM
That's a good idea. At work, I decided to take a few minutes and just relax. I stretched on the floor, and just laid there. I found a good station that plays really soothing music, so that helped. I think I'll do that every day, because it really made me feel good.

14+kitties
March 26th, 2009, 06:51 PM
You know, if you want to try some crafts cross stitching I find is way too small. I love doing it but I can't see the stitches properly to work it for long. Why not try plastic canvas? You can find some neat patterns for things on line... coasters, even pictures you can do. Basically it is cross stitch on a larger medium. Just a thought. I know you said you have sight issues with your left eye. With the plastic canvas you can make useful things too. Napkin holders, kleenex holders, place mats, etc......
I am a craft queen. Must have tried almost every one going and love most. But now I just do a few.

ancientgirl
March 26th, 2009, 07:12 PM
I'll look into that. I was thinking I wanted to try some drawing with makers on poster board. Or making little beds for the gang. I'll have to go looking at the craft store and the art supply store. The thing is, since I don't have a place where I can have the stuff around, I need to do something that won't be too dangerous for the gang to get into. I have a sewing machine, and would love to use it, but I have no table at the moment, and it was hard enough making Vlad and Oksana's costumes that one year, I don't even want to try sewing anything with 5 curious noses butting in.:D

chico2
March 27th, 2009, 07:58 AM
A-G,I was hooked on Crocheting for a long time,everyone I know got Afghans and scarves:laughing:
But since you are short of money,yarn is a bit pricy and kitties love it:cat:

BenMax
March 27th, 2009, 08:01 AM
AG - how about when you have free time volunteer for something. When you do something good for someone or something, it makes you feel good as well. At the same time you are getting out and meeting new people.....you never know, you may find a great group of friends. I know that I met some wonderful people through volunteering ...people like Frenchy and Luckypenny (whom I know have known for a while).

ancientgirl
March 27th, 2009, 08:14 AM
Chico, I'm going to look into knitting or crocheting, which sounds like it might be interesting. This weekend I'm going to look through the craft stores to see what looks fun.

BM, volunteering is something I've been thinking about doing. But right now, everything depresses me. I know if I see a sick person, or animal, or if I see someone who is down on their luck, or an animal in a shelter it will make me even sadder than I already am. After I start taking medication, it's something I'd like to do. My hope is the medication will at least help me keep my emotions in check.

chico2
March 27th, 2009, 08:23 AM
You know A-G,since we started walking Bailey three yrs ago,I've really gotten to know my neighborhood and several nice people,except for the one lady who peeks behind her drapes making sure I pick up the poop:laughing:

BenMax
March 27th, 2009, 08:26 AM
Nature walks are great! Fresh air does wonders. Chico2 is right - take a great walk somewhere. Feel and smell the air on you and feel good about who you are. The ocean or anywhere where there is water is also soothing.

Nature is the best way to get us out of the funk. Listening, smelling and touching all equal tranquility and inner peace. Don't knock it until you try it.

ancientgirl
March 27th, 2009, 08:28 AM
There are very few people in my complex who have dogs, and they aren't really friendly. My next door neighbors have a beautiful boxer, but they love walking her themselves.

BenMax, I've been slowly getting myself out for walks. I do want to get a pet stroller, so I can take one or two of the gang for walks with me. I think that will be really therapeutic for me. There is a pretty nice neighborhood around where I live so that's something that will help me.

Luvmypitgirls
March 27th, 2009, 08:52 AM
AG, I was thinking about you, I hope you are feeling a bit better today.
I just wanted to let you know that something I find theraputic is writing. I keep a journal and when I'm feeling down or anxious I'll sit and write.
Sometimes it's just a poem, or a childhood memory, sometimes I'll write about my pets or my kids, any subject that will help pick up my spirits or relax me.

Exercise is very important too, so going for walks is a great idea. Sometimes I grab my camera and go, I'll walk around taking pictures of flowers in the park, etc.

I hope you have a wonderful day, :grouphug:

aslan
March 27th, 2009, 08:59 AM
Hi AG, been following this for abit and thought i'd pipe in. I was diagnosed many moons ago as agoraphobic, and grew up with a mother who was manic depressant. Both my sisters are md. Being agoraphobic i'm prone to panic attacks so i understand your anxiety too. The ladies have given you some wonderful suggestions. Exercise and crafts are excellent for panic. If you find a craft you're interested in, let us know. I may already have some of the supplies or can get them cheaper here for you. Just from personal experience when anxious i find i have to occupy my mind. If you choose a craft find something you enjoy but you will have to concentrate on to distract the committee of aholes in your head. Something like 14+'s wood burning might be good for you to try. I hope you are having a better day.

Magicwildwolf69
March 27th, 2009, 09:04 AM
awww AG! i really hope you are feeling a bit better today. Sorry i haven't really been around to answer threads or i would have seen this one sooner. Don't be afraid to be on pills if you need them. I'm anti depressants myself and find they help me so much just keeping my emotions in check so i can deal with things. Stay away from stress does help. I know how you feel about the whole economy thing worrying about losing your job. It doesn't help when you might hear everyone is worried about that. My BF just lost his job and while i'm working i've been down and quiet and my customers keep telling me everyone is having trouble right now. Well when you are feeling down and depressed you don't care about everyone else. :sorry: i went off about me. Going to the dr is the first step. Lots of things everyone mentioned here is good too :). Vitamins could be a big part. My dr put me on a multi vit and a b complex and i have been feeling much better. Its good we have places like this where we can go and talk/write about things. you have people that care for you and worry about you. Hope you are smiling a bit more today.

ancientgirl
March 27th, 2009, 09:12 AM
LMP, I do feel a little better today, thank you. Since I first posted this, the suggestions have helped. I've been listening to more soothing music at work and I find it's really helping me to keep calm. I've also been keeping a journal for years. I won't write in it daily, but now and then I find I need to and it helps a little.

Aslan, I was looking at 14+ latest plaque, of Toonces and I immediately thought that might be a nice little escape for me. I'm going to look into that at the craft store as well. I remember in junior high, I did that in shop class and I really enjoyed it.

MWW, it's comforting to know there are people on this board who also have similar issues. Comforting in the sense, I know others really DO know how I feel. Sometimes people think it's just a mood that you'll get out of, or you are making more of it for attention. It's hard to explain to someone who's never felt it or known someone who has. All of the suggestions have really helped. I know how you must be feeling about your BF's job loss. I was once in a relationship and the only one working for over a year. It's not easy. I hope he finds something soon.

BenMax
March 27th, 2009, 09:25 AM
AncientGirl - Here it goes (deep breath)....I was diagnosed years ago with severe depression. I didn't know that I was depressed - I was just always really angry.

Once diagnosed I did go on the drugs but for me I knew if I could get my mind to go into another direction I could wing it. Infact what I did is surround myself with positive people and did positive things. My character is such is that I could not accept failure (either at work or relationship or whatever else I did and still do). I learnt that failure is ok and there is no shame in that at all - it's apart of personal growth and life.

Every now and then I know when I am slipping. I then change something to get me out of the funk that I know I am heading for. I have alot of mental strength and people do not even know that I have this condition.

I guess what I am saying is that the mind is an incredible tool. Through therapy you will learn how to manipulate the mind to think differently. My way is through enjoying nature and the little things in life. I listen to the birds outside. I take care of my pets and find joy in that.

Talk to a therapist - maybe he/she can help you as well. Surround yourself with positive people - it will rub off on you.:)

Dog Dancer
March 27th, 2009, 10:35 AM
AG - it's so nice to see you getting so much support here. So many ideas and things you can try. I just know that you're going to make huge improvements really soon. Just knowing people care has to help somewhat I would think. Thinking of you and wishing you strength and happiness today.

aslan
March 27th, 2009, 10:45 AM
oh oh AG Grace just called and in the convo woodburning came up, and i was informed there are atleast two of the woodburning tools in the garage if you would like them.:D

ancientgirl
March 27th, 2009, 10:48 AM
AncientGirl - Here it goes (deep breath)....I was diagnosed years ago with severe depression. I didn't know that I was depressed - I was just always really angry.

Once diagnosed I did go on the drugs but for me I knew if I could get my mind to go into another direction I could wing it. Infact what I did is surround myself with positive people and did positive things. My character is such is that I could not accept failure (either at work or relationship or whatever else I did and still do). I learnt that failure is ok and there is no shame in that at all - it's apart of personal growth and life.

Every now and then I know when I am slipping. I then change something to get me out of the funk that I know I am heading for. I have alot of mental strength and people do not even know that I have this condition.

I guess what I am saying is that the mind is an incredible tool. Through therapy you will learn how to manipulate the mind to think differently. My way is through enjoying nature and the little things in life. I listen to the birds outside. I take care of my pets and find joy in that.

Talk to a therapist - maybe he/she can help you as well. Surround yourself with positive people - it will rub off on you.:)

Unfortunately, I can't talk to a therapist. My insurance doesn't cover "mental health". It won't pay for my medication either, but luckily the meds aren't too expensive. I can more easily pay for meds than I can for a therapist.

I was seeing someone when this all first started for me, and he did actually give me an understanding of the possible cause of my anxiety issues. I saw this man for a few months, but had to stop seeing him and refuse to see him further. He betrayed my confidence, by telling my boss, also a patient of his, about our sessions, and vice versa. That caused not only a strain on my relationship with my boss, but also made me even question anything he'd told me regarding my condition. I thankfully managed to talk things over with my boss, who also felt betrayed by this man, yet not enough to stop seeing him.

What I have been able to figure out about my issue is this is something that's been just developing since I was a child. Beginning at around 4 or 5 when I asked my father what happened when we died. I love my father dearly, but he's not the most tactful person, not even to a 5 year old. He told me exactly what happened, and I have had this immense fear of death and dying my entire life, since I was 5.

Then there have just been things here and there throughout my life. We were not an "emotional" family. I never believed in Santa Clause, because there was never that belief in our home. At Christmas time, we were allowed to just choose our presents, then we would wrap them, and open them on Christmas Eve.

We didn't hug each other, nor tell each other we loved each other. We did have lovely family vacations, but emotion wasn't a huge part of our lives. Men didn't cry, so you can imagine the issues my brother has (I have only just now begun to find out about his problems). I think I've told the story about my cat Polo. When I found he was killed by a dog, a year after it happened, I cried and was reprimanded. "You don't cry for animals, you cry for people, your mother is sick, she's the one you have to feel bad for, not a cat. We don't cry for animals." Again, let me say, I love my father. He raised us as best he could. We never went hungry and always had a roof over our heads. He worked hard and so did my mother. He took care of her until her dying day. My father was a product of old parents. My grandfather was almost 50 when he married my grandmother, who was in her 30's. So by the time my father and aunt were born, their parents were old, so they were brought up VERY old ways. My mother was one of 14, she worked on her family's farm from the time she was a child and there was very emotion showed in that household as well.

So, keeping my emotions inside and being a strong person, not allowing anything to get to me, all came to a head a couple of years ago, and that's when my anxiety and panic attacks started. I've had one boyfriend my entire life, never being allowed to date in high school, because "in Cuba, girls didn't date until they were 15, and even after that they had to be chaperoned". I ran away from home at 21, a bit old, but yes I ran away from home. I moved in with my BF, the only one I've ever had, even to this day. I lived with him for 3 and a half years. 3 of those years I was practically the sole breadwinner, as he went from job to job, because he knew more than anyone else, and he was an alcoholic.

After he broke the glass from my car window one night, I decided to move out. The next day I asked my father if I could move back home and was told, "It's hard to have you come back, things are different." I only came to find out much later, that what was different was the woman he'd married, the one who was so kind to me when she moved into our home, had suddenly come to dislike me. To the point, where she forbade my father to allow me to move back home.

After one of the biggest hurricanes in this city, I was left with nowhere to live. My BF had left me, and I was living with his grandparents, who graciously offered me their home, yet since it was in one of the devastated parts of the city, my father didn't feel I was safe there. My aunt then offered to let me live with her, since I was not welcomed in my fathers home.

For the next 10 years, I only saw my father on weekends, when he'd visit me at my aunts house. Family get together's were stained and he constantly wanted me to "talk" to his wife. Until one day I took him aside and told him to get off my back and tell his wife to talk to me, since she's the one who had issues with me, and not the other way around. Another several years passed and when my brother remarried, his new wife scolded my father's wife and literally shamed her into speaking with me and allowing me to again, visit my father's home.

I can't write anymore. I feel as though I've exhausted my brain and I can't think about this anymore. But, you guys get the idea. I think you can understand why I am so obsessed with my cats. They are mine to love and to fuss over and to treat like my little babies. I think I'm just giving them what I feel I've never had.

BenMax
March 27th, 2009, 10:56 AM
Then don't think of things that are hurtful.

Remember this - you can be a victim or a survivor. Choose survivor.

Also, our parents are not always right or perfect. Forgiveness goes a long way.

ancientgirl
March 27th, 2009, 11:00 AM
I have forgiven, to a degree. I'll never forget what my father said to me, about my cat. I don't have it in me, but I love him and know he would do anything for me now.

I'm trying to survive. I've kept those things out of my mind for a long time, but not dealing with them has caused the memories to come back in ways I'd rather they not. So, I chose to try and medicate, and go from there.

I'm blessed with an incredible amount of support, both here and with some friends in my off line life.

I've got some ideas for creative outlets and hopefully, with a little work that will help.

Aslan, Thank you, I'd love one of those extra tools!:D

Love4himies
March 27th, 2009, 11:55 AM
BenMax has offered some very good advice. Her advice of not thinking about the past will help your mind clear of negativity that maybe pushing you down.

Forgiving is not forgetting, it is giving yourself the opportunity to move on and let go of anger, it is only keeping you prisoner. You can't change the past and what has been done to you, or how you have been raised.

I know, very easy to say, not so easy to do. I too have gone through a lot in my life and have chosen not to dwell on the past, can't change it. When I start to think about it, I change my thoughts by occupying it with something else, going online, patting/grooming my cats and my all time favourite is: going for walks, not to think, but to see what is around. Looking at buildings, gardens, people. It helps clear whatever I was thinking about.

BenMax is right, your mind is a very powerful thing.;) :grouphug:

Luvmypitgirls
March 27th, 2009, 12:49 PM
AG, talking about these things that you have surpressed for so long, is a good thing in my opinion.
I still have issues with my mother, and she's been deceased for almost 5 years. I still talk about some of the hurts she caused me, because it helps to get it out, to put a voice to it.
I'm glad to hear that you too keep a journal, I don't write in mine everyday anymore either, but like an old friend I visit it once and awhile, to add to it or to read over what I have written. Sometimes I read and think wow I've come a long way since then.

I can completely relate to your fear of death. I too have that fear, and lately it has been worse, and I don't know why. Perhaps, it's because I'm older now and my mortality has been playing on my mind.
I don't think I'm so afraid of the act of dying as I am about the "what happens to" after I'm gone. What happens to my boys, especially my youngest, who will help him and care for him when I'm gone. What will happen to my husband, my family, my friends and my dogs!?

I finally came to realize that all of that is out of my control, so I need to focus on the wonders of being alive today and appreciate every moment I have.

AG, I get the sense that you are a strong person, and I believe you will survive your fears, your sadness, your lonliness. I truly believe you will find a way to overcome, and you will be all the more better for it, and able to exhale and smile knowing your inner power is immense.

Hugs to you AG, I'll be keeping you in my thoughts.

ancientgirl
March 27th, 2009, 01:01 PM
AG, talking about these things that you have surpressed for so long, is a good thing in my opinion.
I still have issues with my mother, and she's been deceased for almost 5 years. I still talk about some of the hurts she caused me, because it helps to get it out, to put a voice to it.
I'm glad to hear that you too keep a journal, I don't write in mine everyday anymore either, but like an old friend I visit it once and awhile, to add to it or to read over what I have written. Sometimes I read and think wow I've come a long way since then.

I can completely relate to your fear of death. I too have that fear, and lately it has been worse, and I don't know why. Perhaps, it's because I'm older now and my mortality has been playing on my mind.
I don't think I'm so afraid of the act of dying as I am about the "what happens to" after I'm gone. What happens to my boys, especially my youngest, who will help him and care for him when I'm gone. What will happen to my husband, my family, my friends and my dogs!?

I finally came to realize that all of that is out of my control, so I need to focus on the wonders of being alive today and appreciate every moment I have.

AG, I get the sense that you are a strong person, and I believe you will survive your fears, your sadness, your lonliness. I truly believe you will find a way to overcome, and you will be all the more better for it, and able to exhale and smile knowing your inner power is immense.

Hugs to you AG, I'll be keeping you in my thoughts.

Thank you. I need to just take each day as it comes. I tend to think too much about the future, and don't give myself time to deal with the present.

chico2
March 27th, 2009, 04:06 PM
A-G,I think many of us had a not so wonderful child-hood and I made mistakes with my own 3 sons,not like my mother and me,because I adore my sons,but still made some stupid mistakes.
We are only humans,we have to forgive and be forgiven.

I am older than anyone here I think,I do not fear death,but like LMPG, am very worried about my 2 disabled sons,what will happen to them with me gone.??and the cats??
I was lucky,40+ years ago I met a wonderful man,also with bad family-relations,the idea of him losing me or I losing him is scary,but every day is a beautiful day, what happens tomorrow is something I'll deal with then.
I think you have to take it one day at a time,look at what you have,what you have accomplished,give a smile to people you pass,love your kitties,help someone in need,even if it's only reaching for something in the store some little old lady cannot reach.
Look at the beautiful flowers,the birds,the butterflies,better yet the wonderful ocean that always leaves me in awe.
Like I sometimes have said to my sons,life does not come and knock at your door,you have to make your own life,be who you are,love who you are and everything around you.

ancientgirl
March 27th, 2009, 06:36 PM
Chico, as I type this, I have a 17 pound cat sitting behind me, with his paws on my shoulder and sniffing my hair. Moments like these bring me so much joy. I have to learn to take these moments and think of them when I have times that I feel sad.

I do need to keep myself busy, and I need to learn to let go of the things I can't change.

Luvmypitgirls
March 27th, 2009, 07:16 PM
A-G,I think many of us had a not so wonderful child-hood and I made mistakes with my own 3 sons,not like my mother and me,because I adore my sons,but still made some stupid mistakes.
We are only humans,we have to forgive and be forgiven.

I am older than anyone here I think,I do not fear death,but like LMPG, am very worried about my 2 disabled sons,what will happen to them with me gone.??and the cats??
I was lucky,40+ years ago I met a wonderful man,also with bad family-relations,the idea of him losing me or I losing him is scary,but every day is a beautiful day, what happens tomorrow is something I'll deal with then.
I think you have to take it one day at a time,look at what you have,what you have accomplished,give a smile to people you pass,love your kitties,help someone in need,even if it's only reaching for something in the store some little old lady cannot reach.
Look at the beautiful flowers,the birds,the butterflies,better yet the wonderful ocean that always leaves me in awe.
Like I sometimes have said to my sons,life does not come and knock at your door,you have to make your own life,be who you are,love who you are and everything around you.

Amen Chico:2huggers:

Chico, as I type this, I have a 17 pound cat sitting behind me, with his paws on my shoulder and sniffing my hair. Moments like these bring me so much joy. I have to learn to take these moments and think of them when I have times that I feel sad.

I do need to keep myself busy, and I need to learn to let go of the things I can't change.

Amen AG:2huggers: I know sometimes it's easier said than done, letting go of that which we've held onto for so long even to our own detriment can be difficult at times because it's what we know, if you get what I mean.

Just take it day by day, reach out to others when you can, and keep the faith! :)

ancientgirl
March 27th, 2009, 07:20 PM
I am going to reach out more. I feel sometimes I just don't do that enough. I keep things too bottled up inside, thinking I just don't want to bother anyone with it. That's what friends and family are for right?

I feel a lot better at the end of this week than I did at the beginning thanks to everyone here.:grouphug:

glasslass
March 27th, 2009, 08:19 PM
Sometimes forgiveness comes when you work on understanding. Your father is the way he is because of how he was brought up and because of the way his parents were brought up and so on back through the generations. You can't change anything that happened in the past. You can only try to control how it affects you.

Try keeping another list of your accomplishments each day. You may find yourself making that effort to do something just so you'll have something to add to your list. Accomplishments, no matter how small, give you a lift and give you the oomph to tackle the next thing. Don't make lists of what you want to accomplish. That will depress you if you're unable to get them all done. Instead, look around for what needs doing, and do that one thing. Dwell on what you have done, not what you think you should do. Just going out on my patio in the morning to enjoy a cup of coffee (hot chocolate?) in my bathrobe will invariably get me to pull a couple weeds that jumped out at me, which will lead to grooming a plant by removing dead leaves, filling the hummingbird feeder, etc. etc. The point is that I feel good about doing it and the patio looks good too. I call it puttering and it's really relaxing doing it in that bathrobe. Getting started doing something is the hardest part. Once you get started, you usually end up really enjoying it. My mom used to say she tried to accomplish something every day. Her accomplishments amazed me.

Also, keep in mind that sometimes depressions are caused by imbalances in body chemistry which could also be caused by nutrition. Our bodies are incredibly balanced. Sometimes medication can help to get back into synch.

Support groups are proven to be extremely beneficial. This forum is a great one!

Dog Dancer
March 28th, 2009, 12:01 AM
AG you have your support group here to reach out to, you know that now. You'll never be ignored or thought less of. We all have our issues and sharing them here with non-judgemental cyberfriends is a great way to help ourselves and each other. You already sound so much more possitive in your posts. It's amazing! Keep it up, and keep the faith, and remember all the good that is around you and forget the rest. I can hear the strength in your replies. That's great.:grouphug:

ancientgirl
March 28th, 2009, 07:12 PM
Well, today I took another positive step, at least in my surroundings. I had someone come in to clean my entire apartment. She got here at 11:00 and left at 7:00 pm! I've never been a good housekeeper and often just clean enough to get by. But I've never been able to clean my tub really well, and keeping the cat hair at a minimum is hard.

I'll have to cut back on a few of my own essentials this month, because it cost me quite a bit, but I and my cats needed this.

I've got a clean slate, literally. All I need to do is maintain and if I can manage it, I can have her come in now and then. The tub looks brand new, and the floors are spotless, AND she got a lot of the cat hair from the carpet on the stairs and the rugs.

I feel like I've just moved in to a new apartment, and for the first time in a long time I feel really good about being here and even better about having company.

The woman was very nice, and she even bought her little Chihuahua, which I told her she could bring, since she said she was good around cats. The gang were really good and they didn't get as upset as I thought. In fact they really just left Coco alone, which was pretty good for cats that have never been around a dog.

Luvmypitgirls
March 28th, 2009, 07:33 PM
AG, I'm happy to hear that you treated yourself to having someone come in and clean for you. Sometimes, I believe our surroundings can play a big part of the way we feel about ourselves. For instance, I've been doing reno's on my house, thanks to the slow down in the economy, many of my unfinished projects will now remain unfinished for God knows how long.
It had me really bummed out, so much infact that I just didn't do anything all week, housekeeping wise. Of course I will have to spend the next 4 or 5 days getting caught up.

Treat yourself once and awhile, it's a good thing to do. I didn't start treating myself until my mid-late 30's, always putting kids and hubby and everyone and everything else first. Then a good friend told me that I should focus on myself once and awhile, so I did and that has really helped.

I hope you have a great weekend, you deserve it!:D

ancientgirl
March 28th, 2009, 07:52 PM
I can't begin to tell you how much better I feel about being home. It's like a different atmosphere. I know I'll have to maintain the way it is, but knowing it can stay nice and clean like this, that will be a good motivation for me to actually do it.

I'm glad I did this. Now when I get paid, I want to buy myself some new sheets for my bed. Little by little I want to make my apartment a place that feels more like my home instead of just some place I keep sleep in and keep my stuff in.

Dog Dancer
March 31st, 2009, 12:39 PM
AG, that is so good!! It just has to help you feel better when your environment is in order. I'm lucky, my hubby won't let me slack off on the house work (it is a pink job). Lucky in that I don't need to worry about it getting too out of hand or it is depressing. I used to have a cleaning lady come in every weekend, then I cut back to every two weekends, now I've pretty much stopped having her come in except for large cleaning jobs - cupboards, windows, stuff like that, to help me do it. I vacuum every day because of the dogs, and I can clean my bathroom myself once a week. It really irked me to pay somebody else to do it for me. But it's definitely a nice feeling when it's all spotless after my Saturday morning "big cleaning". If you need a cleaner to help keep it that way then it's worth it. Shop around to find a good price (my lady is $20/hour - she asked for $15 but she works so hard I give her $20). Then you could probably get the place cleaned up in two or three hours every other weekend no problem and it wouldn't cost you so much if it was just upkeep.

Good on you AG, you really sound like you're taking back control.

BenMax
March 31st, 2009, 12:52 PM
Good on you AG, you really sound like you're taking back control.

That is the key sentance here Dog Dancer! Excellent insight.

ancientgirl
March 31st, 2009, 01:04 PM
It certainly does give you a different feeling knowing your environment is clean.

I'd love for this woman to come once a month, but I'll have to see what I can afford. I really couldn't afford it, but I knew it needed to be done. No way could I have tackled that tub/shower myself.

This weekend I'll buy the stuff she suggested to me to keep it clean and I'll clean it on Saturday morning. I'm up early Saturdays anyway, so there's no reason I can't get up and clean for a couple of hours every week. I'll still have the entire day ahead of me, and heck, it will get me moving!

BenMax
March 31st, 2009, 01:08 PM
Don't put too much pressure on yourself AncientGirl. I would tackle one room at a time. Go for the easiest room and accomplish it. Then another day go to the next room etc. This way you are not setting yourself up with big expectations and then feeling bad if you cannot accomplish it. Start small and move your way up.

ancientgirl
March 31st, 2009, 01:12 PM
OH don't worry, lol, I hate cleaning so much I won't do too much. I do want to make sure I keep the bathtub clean, and the tiles. Those were actually my worst problem. If I can make sure to keep those clean and not get as bad as they did, the rest won't feel so bad. The kitchen is pretty easy for me to keep clean, since I don't make a big mess cooking. Counters are easy to clean, I'm used to having to wipe them down constantly because of the gang.

Dusting, :yuck: I need to make sure not to let it get too bad, so I can do a little each day.

Dog Dancer
March 31st, 2009, 03:31 PM
Ben Max beat me to the punch. I was going to say, just clean one thing a day to keep up with it. I hate dusting too. :yuck: so I try to dust one room each day, or one area as I'm wandering around. I vacuum daily so it really only takes a few minutes to pass it through the house as nothing is out of control. Saturdays are my cleaning morning too. Bathrooms and mop floors. But I second what Ben Max said. Don't take on so much that it becomes self defeating. A wee bit each day and you keep control of it all. Try spraying down the tiles in the bathroom first and then doing the counters and stuff while the tile stuff cleans a bit, then scrub down the tiles, it will make it easier. :highfive:

ancientgirl
March 31st, 2009, 06:27 PM
Try spraying down the tiles in the bathroom first and then doing the counters and stuff while the tile stuff cleans a bit, then scrub down the tiles, it will make it easier. :highfive:

That's a good idea.

Magicwildwolf69
April 1st, 2009, 01:01 AM
Glad you went and did that for yourself AG. I started my spring cleaning last year and am still doing it hehe :o

i hate cleaning but things got so piled up its taken a long time to go through them.

glad you are feeling better. Thanks for the well wishes with the bf. hopefully he will find something better as well.

You know you could always count us as your therapist. We're cheap :D

ancientgirl
April 1st, 2009, 11:34 AM
You guys are cheap, but you are also better than any therapist I've ever been to.:grouphug:

BenMax
April 1st, 2009, 12:08 PM
You guys are cheap, but you are also better than any therapist I've ever been to.:grouphug:

That's because we got the therapy and can identify.:) Sharing is caring.

ancientgirl
April 1st, 2009, 12:10 PM
That's because we got the therapy and can identify.:) Sharing is caring.

That and I've found some therapists to be a little judgmental.

Magicwildwolf69
April 2nd, 2009, 11:01 PM
That and I've found some therapists to be a little judgmental.

i so can agree with that! my mother sent me to a therapist around age 17. Her trying to get involved with my troubles a bit to late. I pretty much have a hate/respect my father relationship due to all the abuse i had as a child. Hate for what he did to me my brother my mother and many other reasons. respect just because he is my parent and he has very little respect though. Anyway the one therapist said until i could forgive my father she couldn't help me...i was like thinking....isn't it your job to help me learn how to forgive my father.....

i never went to another therapist and i'm 27.

ancientgirl
April 3rd, 2009, 07:38 AM
Yeah, it was her job to help you do that.

I've got a pretty bad opinion of therapists, and I know I should not group them all into one just because my last therapist was an unethical jerk. But, either way, right now I can't afford to see anyone, my insurance won't cover it. So, I have to deal with this this way, with pills and the help of understanding friends.