Pets.ca - Pet forum for dogs cats and humans 

-->

Sooo...I might be moving...

AmericanBullMom
October 15th, 2008, 01:54 PM
Well, I try not to post personal things on here because I feel like ya'll have better things to do than listen to me be mopey:sad:... but I need some hugs!

The DB is going to school to be an aviation mechanic and graduates in December. We met back in January. We now live together, and have a wonderful relationship. When we first started dating he was telling me that he was going to do all he could to stay here in Florida, but unfortunately he is going to have to move. He has found a really good job in Alabama, and wants me to go with him when he leaves here. :sad:
Only problems is, My WHOLE life is here... My career, college, family and friends, everything. He's from Mississippi, so its easy for him to move there, but I feel so reluctant to uproot myself for someone I'm not even engaged to.

I've gotten love and support from my family to do whatever I want to do... But its just so hard. I love him a lot, but I'm also very young and have my whole life ahead of me.
And Its not just ME I would have to move... I have Patrón and both my kitties I have to think about too...
He WANTS to get married, and I do too, just not Right NOW.... I watched my mom and aunts get married, divorced, married, divorced, married, divorced...etc. over and over. I just dont want to go through that.... at least not at 20yrs old...

So, I could use some hugs...and words of wisdom... :o

BenMax
October 15th, 2008, 02:12 PM
Well...I was married at 22 and divorced at 28 (with a 9 month old child). I rushed into it!

I also moved with him, but as time went on we realized that we wanted different things. We divorced and I moved from Alberta to Quebec.

If that little voice in your head says don't do it - then don't. We all have that voice but sometimes our hearts take over. If he really loves you then he will let you stay behind. If it is meant to be - then it will.

Distance tells all - my daughter who is now 17 years old is living this. Her BF and her are doing very well - though it is tough on both. But I have to tell you - it's working out just fine. I told her the same as I am telling you....take it from a now wise old bird.

Bina
October 15th, 2008, 02:18 PM
My 2 cents: If the guy really, really considered you a priority he would have a heart to heart discussion with you and even consider staying in Fla.
People get divorced at ages of 20, 30, 40, etc. that kind of thing just happens.
But a good indicator would be if he makes you and your relationship a priority or not.
Good Luck.

Masha
October 15th, 2008, 02:20 PM
Did he discuss the Alabama job offer with you, or did he just accept it and then went on to inform you about it? I think that if a couple is in a truly committed and loving relationship, one would not make such a life changing decisions without discussing the impact that this would have on the other person and the couple as a whole.

If my DH would accept a job offer in a different city/state without consulting with me, to me this would be a sign indicating that he is not serious about us.

Just my two cents……

Masha
October 15th, 2008, 02:21 PM
Looks like me and Bina posted the same thoughts at the same time... :)

BenMax
October 15th, 2008, 02:39 PM
My 2 cents: If the guy really, really considered you a priority he would have a heart to heart discussion with you and even consider staying in Fla.
People get divorced at ages of 20, 30, 40, etc. that kind of thing just happens.
But a good indicator would be if he makes you and your relationship a priority or not.
Good Luck.

I don't disagree with you but I don't fully agree either. Since he has an opportunity to start a dream career - then he should not be held back at this point of his life. If he does not go and puts this relationship ahead of the job - then he may hold it against her - which will eventually end the relationship. If she does not support him then this will also eventually end the romance.

I think she should support him in whatever decision he makes and not take offense that he is choosing one over the other. I truly believe that distance will strengthen the relationship if it is meant to last. This will give her time to make the decision to move on her own terms and not because she is afraid to loose his love.

Melinda
October 15th, 2008, 02:46 PM
when I was 18 and engaged, my then fiance wanted to move to Alberta to work, my life was in ontario and I was still in school so I stayed behind....a long distance romance followed, he decided after 6 months that his place was also in Ontario, with me...........things do work out if they are meant to, talk it over heart to heart with him...........oh and in April hubs and I will be celebrating our 30th wedding anniversay, good luck.

Bina
October 15th, 2008, 02:51 PM
Yes, it really has a couple of viewpoints....is girl devoted enough to uproot everything to follow boy's career?
Or possibly could the boy end up unemployed after a year or two anwyay, and girl has given up alot?
Or is the boy being unrealisitic asking a 20 yr old to uproot and move when they are not exactly "long term" with marriage plans.....Hmmm, lots of ways to analyze this. It's a tough one!

BenMax
October 15th, 2008, 02:56 PM
For me it would be an easy one - not because I am heartless but I have lived like a wild flower and always followed my heart in younger years. Now I use my head and found that I make better decisions. I guess it comes with age.

I try to guide my daughter about this exact same situation. I remind her that I went through it and to just trust me. I can imagine it is hard for her - but believe it or not it is working out fine. They live 3000 miles apart - but on holidays they get together - it really is making both of them grow up a little and gets them prepared to see if it really is meant to be.

ancientgirl
October 15th, 2008, 03:15 PM
That's a hard choice. Personally, I would not want to uproot myself like that. I've lived here for 27 years. My family and friends are here, my job, very much like you. For someone to ask me to leave all that, I think would be selfish.

Winston
October 15th, 2008, 03:27 PM
I dont know but if it was me I think that I would want to try to think with my head and not my heart! maybe you could discuss it further and take some time to think it over. Then maybe go visit and see if you will like your new home. The distance shouldnt be too much of an issue if things are serious and there is some understanding. The tehcnology we have today and the quick transportation can be worked out too! until your ready.

My biggest fear would be leaving and ending up alone in a strange place with no comforts from home??

Good luck!

Frenchy
October 15th, 2008, 03:32 PM
You can always come back to Florida if things doesn't work out right ?

I did move with a bf once , from Quebec to Vancouver. We came back after 3 months and broke up after one year. So anything can happen with you and your bf but you'll never know until you try it. You're still young , you don't have kids , this is the time to try those things ;)

chico2
October 15th, 2008, 03:55 PM
I always said"home is where the heart is",having been married now 42+years,moved several times,have lived in Austria,Germany and of course Sweden.
We moved Sweden to Canada,moved back to Sweden,then back to Canada where we have stayed and happily so,I would have followed him anywhere:laughing:
I think if you really love someone,you compromise,but if you have doubts,an engagement-ring is not going to change anything.
Atlanta is not that far from Florida,I cried buckets when I left my mom and my friends and we moved to the other side of the world.
But I was with the man whom I loved and we quickly made new friends and a new life.
I would let the boyfriend move to Atlanta and you finish your College,then you decide whether you want to move or not,at 20yrs old,you are not too young to cut the apron-strings.

happycats
October 15th, 2008, 08:36 PM
Oh my, what a very difficult decision you have, I don't envy you.

My mother at age 20 left her whole family and life behind to marry and move with my father to Canada from Holland, and they just celebrated their 45th anniversary! BUT my father came here first 2 years earlier without my mother, and my grandmother forbid her from getting engaged first, said a ring won't bring him back, and you shouldn't put your life on hold waiting for him......If he loves you he'll come back, and he did.

Now speaking from a childs point of view (if you decide to have any) it was very difficult for us as kids, it was like not having aunts, uncles, cousins or grandparents, as we rarely saw them, so there were no bonds. On the other hand it made us a very tight knit family, as we only had eachother.

I wish you the best of luck whatever you choice you make.

Karin
October 15th, 2008, 09:58 PM
If you really love him, you go. Look forward to your 50th wedding Anniversary too.

If you do not want this right now..cut him lose and let him move on.

I wish you the best but please do not throw away something that you would be sorry for.

I did over 20 years ago.

Love4himies
October 16th, 2008, 07:30 AM
It sounds like you really don't want to move right now, I would listen to that little voice inside. I don't think you should hold him back from this job, I think you should let him go and you should say and finish your college. When you are done, then join him. If your love is strong, then it will survive, if it is not, you haven't given up anything and there are no regrets.

mona_b
October 16th, 2008, 09:38 AM
It sounds like you really don't want to move right now, I would listen to that little voice inside. I don't think you should hold him back from this job, I think you should let him go and you should say and finish your college. When you are done, then join him. If your love is strong, then it will survive, if it is not, you haven't given up anything and there are no regrets.

I sooooo agree with this.:thumbs up

Go with your gut.You have your education and your career(sorry,I wouldn't give this up for a man)..You haven't even been together for a year.If you are close to your family,I wouldn't leave them.And your friends,well they are you friends whom I'm sure you have had a long time.

I lived in T.O for 37 years.Born and raised there.I moved to Hamilton for a man.No the distance isn't far but Hamilton is not my home.We were seeing each other for almost 2 years before I moved in.And it wasn't just me,it was my daughter too(she was 16 at the time.21 now)..I felt bad cause she had to leave all her friends and school.And her papa(my dad)

Well not even 2 years of living with him,I left him.I wasn't expecting this to happen,but it did.AND I took our 2 cats we had adopted.:D..Well I didn't just take them,he agreed they would be better off with me....;)


Finish your education,that there is a priority right now.And he should understand that.:)

You need to sit down with him and have a heart to heart talk.
You are still young.Don't thow away what you have worked hard for.:)

AmericanBullMom
October 16th, 2008, 09:53 AM
Thank you guys so much for all your responses, I've been really busy at wokr and am just now getting to read them! Thank you so much...

He DID sit down and talk to me about it... but he has to go where he can make the most money, I would NEVER ask him to stay here and not do what he wants.

He tells me everyday that he wants me to go with him, and that he wants there to be a future between us, and I do too! I just have no idea at this point. My family really loves him...he's a hard worker...and ambitious, and religious, and its really great. But to me I feel like if I thought it was the perfect idea I should be packing my bags and ready t leave with him tomorrow! and I just dont feel that way today.... who knows...:rolleyes: I'm wishy washy with the whole thing, today I am reluctant, who knows that tomorrow will bring!

Thank you guys so much for all your help!

BenMax
October 16th, 2008, 09:57 AM
You will do the right thing I am certain. I agree with those who said that you need to finish your schooling first however. It will only be for a while and if your love is true - it will last...even with distance.

Don't rush your decision - everything will fall into place.

AmericanBullMom
October 16th, 2008, 10:02 AM
It sounds like you really don't want to move right now, I would listen to that little voice inside. I don't think you should hold him back from this job, I think you should let him go and you should say and finish your college. When you are done, then join him. If your love is strong, then it will survive, if it is not, you haven't given up anything and there are no regrets.

this is exactly what our plans are for right now. He leaves in December, and I'm staying behind and moving back home to my mothers. I think it will give us both time to see if this is what we both really want. I so want to be with him, he is such an amazing person, and I know its corny, but he "completes" me... I cant say thank you enough to all of you that have said so many helpful things.... Its so wonderful to have a group of people that are soo willing to help out, even when you have never met me... thank you!:angel:

AmericanBullMom
October 16th, 2008, 10:04 AM
I always said"home is where the heart is",having been married now 42+years,moved several times,have lived in Austria,Germany and of course Sweden.
We moved Sweden to Canada,moved back to Sweden,then back to Canada where we have stayed and happily so,I would have followed him anywhere:laughing:
I think if you really love someone,you compromise,but if you have doubts,an engagement-ring is not going to change anything.
Atlanta is not that far from Florida,I cried buckets when I left my mom and my friends and we moved to the other side of the world.
But I was with the man whom I loved and we quickly made new friends and a new life.
I would let the boyfriend move to Atlanta and you finish your College,then you decide whether you want to move or not,at 20yrs old,you are not too young to cut the apron-strings.

You have definitely given me hope... :o