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How long do I berate myself?

SolaMio
August 19th, 2008, 08:07 PM
OK, I am admitting it to the world. I made a mistake.

My dog is, decidedly, from a BYB. I paid very little for her, I doubt the amount I paid would have even covered vet expenses and food since birth. A fellow in the country about 2 hours from where I live, bred his own and his friend's dogs (I'm guessing for fun? For an experiment? Because he wanted another dog himself? For a meagre profit? Who knows..) and I bought a puppy about a year ago because I thought it was adorable (which it was) yet didn't do any research. :wall: Did I know the difference or even what a BYB was when I bought her? Nope. Is that an excuse? No. Should I have known better? Absolutely. Would I purchase a dog in this manner again? No, no, no, not knowing what I know now, ethically, heathwise, etc... I will either seek a reputable breeder or adopt, thanks in part to advice from this forum. :thumbs up

However.

How long should I let myself be made to feel badly about my decision, and let others make me feel badly? I love my dog (though not the way she was "bred") and don't care that she's a "mutt"... But how long do I endure horrified reactions from people who have purchased purebred dogs and think what I've done by supporting the byb is about the worst crime to be committed on earth? I am tired of putting my tail between my legs so to speak and feel like I have to wear a t-shirt with a disclaimer saying "I made a poor decision and I apologize"... I would be the first to ask/advise others not to go this route if they asked my advice for any reason.

What are my options at this point?
- Lie and say my dog is from a shelter (which I refuse to do, just dishonest)
- Keep telling the story about how unenlightened I was before, but now I see the error of my ways and wouldn't repeat the error...
- Just disengage from the conversation altogether
- Explain that there are indeed better ways of acquiring pets and I will go those ways the next time, but in the meantime I am giving this dog the best care, training, food, and exercise I can

Sorry--- it was a bad day and one negative comment about my dog too many. Needed a wee vent. :o Hope I don't open a huge can of worms here, I know most everyone is anti byb and I am too, sort of touchy.. Only, there's not much that can be done after the fact but feel guilty and apologetic, and needing to forever justify a decision. Sigh. Anyone else had to handle this? Or is this a "you made your bed" situation?

jessi76
August 19th, 2008, 08:23 PM
I think there's probably alot of people on this site, or viewing this site, that feel the same way. What's done is done, time to move forward in a positive manner. no need to lie, no need to feel bad forever either.

If I were in your shoes, I'd simply say that I found a deep connection with this dog, regardless of where she came from. Even byb-dogs need a kind soul to love and cherish them.

krdahmer
August 19th, 2008, 08:25 PM
OK, I am admitting it to the world. I made a mistake.


- Keep telling the story about how unenlightened I was before, but now I see the error of my ways and wouldn't repeat the error...

Sorry--- it was a bad day and one negative comment about my dog too many. Needed a wee vent. :o Hope I don't open a huge can of worms here, I know most everyone is anti byb and I am too, sort of touchy.. Only, there's not much that can be done after the fact but feel guilty and apologetic, and needing to forever justify a decision. Sigh. Anyone else had to handle this? Or is this a "you made your bed" situation?


I usually opt for that answer, that I did these things before I knew better... I de-clawed my first cat (who is living it up at my parents, happy healthy and safe!) and I bought my Windy at a pet store. (no doubt by way of a byb) But I didn't know better, I had not yet found pets.ca or become aware of all of the animals in rescues looking for homes.

I would never feel guilty, had you known better you would have done different, but the dog you chose, no matter how, now has a good home and is not homeless or ending up in a possible kill shelter or back in that byb!! Those are all great outcomes! Yes you put a few bucks in that byb's pocket and may have encouraged him to do so again.... but you are working to right that part here by sharing your experience and what you've learned since with others!

It's all about live and learn. The more we learn the more we can share with others. And eventually the more people who opt to adopt! As long as you are loving and caring for the dog I also have no doubt was chosen for you, you have nothing to feel guilty about! :grouphug:

JennieV
August 19th, 2008, 08:28 PM
I personally don't think you should continue feeling bad about it. You didn't know then, now you do. you live and you learn, every day something new...:shrug: I, too, had dome some crazy mistakes that I wish I didn't, like feeding my dog and cat crappy food, never bothering to check what is good for them. Then I found this website and never looked back. What's done is done, think about it the way you do - you give this dog the best you can. If you didn't purchase it maybe he would end up in a pet store, then with a family who would have kept it till its no longer puppy-cute, or just because they got fed up...Or worse, the dog would end up being dead, because he wasn't sold.
It could go many ways, and I think that if you feel uncomfortable about having the conversation about the dog's origin - don't! Just say you don't want to discuss it, that's all.
You definitely don't have to continue beating yourself over this. Just look forward. If we could change the past, which one of us wouldn't change a thing?? not many, I assure you. :thumbs up :grouphug:

Masha
August 19th, 2008, 08:29 PM
There is a quote somewhere out there that goes something like "You did the best with what you knew at the time".

Live and learn.... we need to learn from our fur kids and not dwell on the past, but live in the moment :) BTW your girl is adorable :lovestruck:

allymack
August 19th, 2008, 08:32 PM
I would go with the fourth one. It kinda saying that you know you did wrong, you know not to do it anymore, and although you made the mistake you are going to give this dog the best possible life no matter what, which really weather its from a BYB or a shelter or a breeder a dog deserves. You've learned from it, which is the most important thing.

14+kitties
August 19th, 2008, 08:34 PM
Why does the subject even come up? :shrug:
As far as I am concerned....... Do you love your dog and treat the dog right? YES! Does your dog love you? YES End of story. Just my :2cents:

Byrd
August 19th, 2008, 09:46 PM
Stop berating yourself now!

My dog is from a BYB too. She's purebred, in perfect health, and a sports phenomenon. Does it make a difference how she came into the world... no, what makes the difference is that she's mine and I love her!!!!

Rottielover
August 19th, 2008, 10:01 PM
Harley is not from a BYB, but from a very unethical breeder. I made my mistake, I have met many new people in the rottweiler world, so I can never repeat the same mistake.
You learned the hard way as most of us do, move on, do not fret

hazelrunpack
August 19th, 2008, 10:16 PM
Why does the subject even come up? :shrug:


That's what I'm wondering, too. Do they brag that their dogs are purebreds from such-and-so, and that makes them better? :confused: If they ask you where she comes from, shrug and tell them from whatever town the seller lived in. :o

All dogs need loving care. Yours gets exactly that. Where she comes from is water under the bridge. Don't beat yourself up. :grouphug:

Chaser
August 19th, 2008, 10:26 PM
You shouldn't feel bad. Chase is from a BYB....I was too trusting and believed that it was an honest, one-time mistake that two farmer's dogs hooked up and that puppies needed homes. Since then I've seen a second ad for puppies of the same mix w/ what I think is the same phone number. :wall: She treated the dogs well, had a nice kennel area, and only one litter so it wasn't a huge milling operation or something. So I didn't think much of it :o :shrug:

All we can do is make better choices in the futurel. Maybe I can "repent" with fostering :rolleyes: But I understand how you feel.....it can be embarassing to admit that you made a mistake. But all we can do now is love our dogs, avoid repeating the mistake, and help raise awareness about the problem.

badger
August 20th, 2008, 01:21 AM
Keep the dog, lose the friends.

SolaMio
August 20th, 2008, 04:27 AM
Thanks everyone for the support. As for the question of why does the subject come up... It's usually only one or two people making a comment, or in this recent case someone telling me that someone ELSE was horrified about Sola's origin , or rather my decision to not go with a breeder (it was in conversation and not meant to make me feel badly I don't think-- but obviously it did :()
It's not so much a bragging thing, but an acquaintance whose family always did have purebreds (and doesn't have a dog himself) always says kind of hurtful stuff about my dog, how hyper she is, and how the family :angel: doggie is always 100% perfect all the time because the breed and breeder were so researched beforehand... I'm sure it's a lovely dog but...

Chase_mom, where Sola was "bred" sounds a lot like where you got Chase. The place was clean, pups were (seemingly) happy and healthy, mom was nearby, they were around children, fed well (though not a food I would pick)... In my mind I thought it was an "oops" litter he tried to pass off as intentional :confused: to sell the pups, but I saw some similar ads a while later, so I hope it's not what I think it is...

And it is true that all dogs need homes, as krdahmer said... And I do not want to know what happened to Sola's brothers and sisters. If they ended up with the wrong family or with someone who did not want to spend time training (if the siblings are anything like Sola) they will have a holy terror on their hands, and possibly end up in a shelter or worse. I was in the SPCA and I saw a dog that looked an awful lot like Sola, but maybe it was my imagination. But, it had the same markings, same expressions, etc. I hope it wasn't one of the same litter, we all know the fate of a large black dog (especially an untrained one) in a kill shelter :cry:

badger - I'm starting to like your option :laughing: Or I can just stop being so darn defensive about my dog, or at least caring what people think... :rolleyes:

Thanks again everyone :)

Love4himies
August 20th, 2008, 06:14 AM
Puddles was from a BYB, whose family is quite wealthy and well known in the Edm area, her father was a grand champion from a reputable breeder. Puddles was raised in the home with her momma so it is not like the momma was abused, and they had the best cat vet (in my view) as their vet. I did know about puppy mills and not to purchase from pet stores, but didn't think about this family who was allowing their cat to breed.

I don't worry about her background, only that she is safe and happy, too late to worry about where she came from.

After joining pets.ca and getting involved with my local shelter I have become much more informed about adopting pets and would only adopt a shelter pet. Admittedly, I am a shelter pet snob:eek::D:laughing:

Don't be angry with yourself any longer, can't change the past so it is wasted energy, but can change the future by educating those around you. :grouphug:

14+kitties
August 20th, 2008, 07:44 AM
It's not so much a bragging thing, but an acquaintance whose family always did have purebreds (and doesn't have a dog himself) always says kind of hurtful stuff about my dog, how hyper she is, and how the family :angel: doggie is always 100% perfect all the time because the breed and breeder were so researched beforehand... I'm sure it's a lovely dog but...

Yep, go visit said dog. I bet you will find it running all over the place being a royal pain in the a**! :rolleyes:
While breeding does play a part in the mannerisms of a dog breeding DOES NOT make a dog good or bad! Raising does!!

aslan
August 20th, 2008, 08:20 AM
14+ is right,it's not the breeding it's the raising. I have my 3 Bailey terrierx, Quincy-purebred gold retriever(both sides showdogs) then bishop purebred springer spaniel but puppymill rescue. Not one of them is any smarter, better behaved or loved more than the others. Don't worry about what other people think, rich people think it ok to slaughter chinchilla's to make a coat. Opinions are like a**holes, everyone has one, and they usually stink.

Ford Girl
August 20th, 2008, 04:22 PM
Mines from a byb, same as you, cute golden puppy....:angel: With aggression issues, not true to the breed in alot of senses...so I dont need to berate myself, I have a very furry reminder of my uneducated mistake that I work with everyday. BUT...with that being said, I wouldnt give her up for the world, live and learn and educate others the best you can. Its all you can do.

I agree, whos asking? :frustrated: And I always tell people..."shes from a farm" (true)..if they know about byb, they say something and I always say.."ya, I wish I knew then what I know now"...and if they dont know about byb, they don't usually comment any further.

Once I had someone ask me what breeder she was from and I said "a byb, I don't reccomend it"...they scowled at me and walked away...I really dont care what people think about my past choices, its the choices that you make in the future that matter.

Ford Girl
August 20th, 2008, 04:37 PM
While breeding does play a part in the mannerisms of a dog breeding DOES NOT make a dog good or bad! Raising does!!

I say its a mix of both IF you are looking for a certain breed of dog with a certain temperment...properly bred goldens show no aggression, mine is or rather was aggressive - from 9 weeks old she showed signed of unstable temperment...she's also over sized by about 20lbs...this is where the education is important...so many people are misguided by breed standard...and if its not a proper breeding, the standards go out the window. :shrug:

Good or bad dog - no, its not that simple, but breed does play a role in the temperment - especially if its from a byb.

I'd say its a mix of both...raising and breeding, we work hard every day to help her be the good dog she can be, but its not easy and it certianly wasnt the puppy experience we expected. Raising also doesn't affect the ill/poor health traits that are passed on by byb. :sad:

ancientgirl
August 20th, 2008, 05:55 PM
I think you need to stop beating yourself up over this. You live and learn. You love your dog and you have given him a wonderful home where he is loved and taken care of, who knows where he would have ended up otherwise.

You didn't know, period. That's all anyone needs to know. You were not educated as to what byb's were. Not everyone knows, and it's up to us to educate each other. Heck, when I first came to this board, I had no idea this even existed!

Anyone that comments about your dog not being purebred, all you need to say is "He's the most loved and spoiled mutt in the world, and I wouldn't want to change a thing about him."

wdawson
August 20th, 2008, 06:01 PM
look at it this way.

whats done is done......if you rescued a dog from a rescue its most likley a byb dog , so all the issues on health ect ect are still there , and besides saying you rescued your dog still doesn't hide the fact it was byb.

SolaMio
August 20th, 2008, 08:30 PM
Thanks everyone. You are definitely echoing how I feel about it. Sola does have a good home now regardless of the circumstances before we came along... And what would be the alternative at this point- to say to myself, oh dear I made a mistake, I had better drop her like a hot potato in case someone finds out I made an uneducated decision? It's not the dog's fault, obviously.

I know there's nothing I can do about it, but I often think of her littermates and what has become of them. They really were the sweetest pups I've ever seen, they would have melted the iciest hearts :D ... Really stocky, all black puppies, with stubby legs and big paws and floppy ears. I can just guess that some families bought the cute pups not knowing much about mal temperaments (and I suppose mal Xs to a certain extent), and were in for a major surprise if they were as challenging as Sola at times. For someone with not much time or patience or willingness to educate themselves, I think it would spell nightmare, and possibly even a dangerous situation.

Byb, mutt or what have you... I know my dog is very well cared for. I suppose that's all that matters at this point, and that next time (should there be a next time, which I certainly hope there will be :laughing:) it will most likely be a rescue of another spitz breed (or mix)... Maybe a friend for Sola in a few years, who knows??? :thumbs up

bendyfoot
August 21st, 2008, 08:15 AM
I'm in the same boat. Jaida came from a BYB. I didn't know what that was at the time, and took her home because I fell in love and because I was horrified by the living conditions in which I found her.

Would I ever in a million years put myself in the same position again, knowing what I know now? Never.

BUT...I freely admit that she came from a BYB and now use my experience and knowledge to educate others and try to keep them from repeating my mistake.

It doesn't change how much I love and value my dog.

SolaMio
August 21st, 2008, 04:20 PM
I'm in the same boat. Jaida came from a BYB. I didn't know what that was at the time, and took her home because I fell in love and because I was horrified by the living conditions in which I found her.

Would I ever in a million years put myself in the same position again, knowing what I know now? Never.

BUT...I freely admit that she came from a BYB and now use my experience and knowledge to educate others and try to keep them from repeating my mistake.

It doesn't change how much I love and value my dog.

Thanks bendyfoot and others... Your response pretty much says it all.

PLUS, I have two cats who are rescues :lovestruck: so I can't be ALL bad, right?? :flirt:

Luvmypitgirls
August 26th, 2008, 03:15 AM
Sola, I'm not sure why you feel guilt or shame or berate yourself about your beloved dog being a product of a BYB'er. More than likely, without you, that pup probably faced a horrible fate.

Someone once tried to make me feel ashamed of the fact that my Rotti came from a BYB'er. The only regret I have is that I didn't buy Kato's brother too. I cringe at the thought of what may have happened to him. Kato and his brother, had urine burned pads on their feet, and extremely hand shy. Both seemed terrified, petrified of my husband, which made me suspicious.

I don't regret getting him from a BYB'er, he needed us, just as much as a dog in a shelter or rescue, which is where he and his brother probably would have ended up in anyway.

He has been a wonderful, loving, devoted member of our family, we rescued him from a bad environment, and I feel good about that.

You owe nobody an explaination as to where you got your pooch, if someone asks, just tell them it's a long story, but to sum it up, fate brought you together, and leave it at that:)