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Conflicted about foster I adopted out today.

kathryn
August 15th, 2008, 05:39 PM
I don't know what to do. I adopted out one of my fosters today (one of the grey and white kittens). He went to a really nice lady and her kids.. her husband was at work and I didn't get to meet him. She was so sweet towards the kitten and her sons were as well. She had recently adopted a dog from the county shelter and I figured if they approved her that she must be nice. She was and both her dogs were happy and healthy. Her cat was really really nice and soft and I petted him and he rubbed against me. I saw her rabbit and her chinchilla and her turtles and everyone had fairly clean cages and everything. The only thing was.. her house was messy. And my mom is a super clean freak and on the whole ride home she was blaming me for picking a bad adopter and saying the house was gross and stuff :sad: Now I feel so conflicted because the lady was super awesome but her house could have used some TLC. It wasn't.... disgusting or nasty. It wasn't like trash was all over the place or anything like that. It was just... stuff wasn't organized too much. There was some boxes on the floors and some small piles of clothes in the hallway. Her coffee table had a bunch of stuff on it. Her dining room table wasn't totally covered, but had some papers and toys on it and a box of cereal (It looks like it was just left there recently from breakfast). I looked in the kitchen and it was fairly clean. The dishes were on the counter drying and could have been put away but it wasn't like dishes were overflowing in the sink. I looked back threw what appeared to be her bedroom.. the bed wasn't made all the way, but there was minimal mess and I could see the master bathroom and it was clean.


I dunno how to feel. My mom says I'm just trying to convince myself and is acting like we just handed him over to a serial cat killer or something. I feel confident that this lady had a really good heart but should really spring clean her house and put some stuff away and have a yard sale.

It didn't smell... there wasn't any 'hazards' the kitten could get into... and the other animals in the house were healthy and happy.

What should I do? I don't even think there's anything I can do. I'm glad I work with the shelter so if need be they probably could legally 'reposes' the kitten for me... but I don't feel that's nessacary.

Considering my mom is an ultra extreme OCD clean freak... I think she's just making me feel bad because the house wasn't up to her standards. If I had seem a problem, I would have just cried and said I couldn't do it. I felt fine watching her interact with him and she was soo excited to hold him and stuff.

I dunno. Does anyone else on here ever go to the adopters houses? I mean.. there's really nothing I can do at this point and her house wasn't ghetto nasty it was... mom should hire a maid to clean up after her little boys


HELP ME PLEASE.

aslan
August 15th, 2008, 05:58 PM
omg, i'd much rather an animal went to a slightly untidy home where it was going to be loved to death, than go to a sterile environment where its every step is going to be monitored. If you're mom had been the judge of whether not I or several others on here were worthy of adopting. I can think of atleast 3 dogs that are extremely loved and spoiled rotten and totally taken care of, who by your moms standards wouldn't be here. hmmm come to think of it my dishes are drying in the dishrack as i type.

JennieV
August 15th, 2008, 06:16 PM
I am sure that anyone that has kids can tell you that having sterile environment is pretty much impossible. But what I personally can tell you is that cleaning up is not on my highest priority list, first I take care of me and my family, then my pets and then I get to do some chores. Therefore, my house can be messy...On top of that, my bedroom has the last place on the list and is usually in a constant state of mess - laundry everywhere, stuff....:crazy: So maybe the day you went to the adopters house was not the cleanest day. As long as it wasn't awful, I would give it a chance.
:lightbulb: If you can, try to schedule a follow-up visit or something, in a week or two, and go with someone other than your mom.
:offtopic::sorry: I had trouble like that when I was living at my aunt's house, she is a neat freak and nothing I did was good enough, she HAD to redo my bed, my stuff etc... Until one day I told her off badly and she just started closing the door to my room as she couldn't take "the mess". LOL! :shrug:
Don't stress, if you didn't feel like the environment was awful and the pets were uncared for - it should be fine! :fingerscr

kathryn
August 15th, 2008, 06:37 PM
She has 5 boys ranging from about 10-ish to I believe the oldest may be college age.

So basically I love you guys for making me feel better. I had zero doubt this was the most fantastic lady. She is a full time student and is still doing summer courses, and her husband works full time so I would assume that's a reasonable excuse for letting things get piled up.

I mean the turtles they had.. their tank water wasn't crystal clear but it wasn't green or nothing. Just eh kinda cloudy with turtle poo.

If had any doubts about it, I would had just thrown a fit and had my mom escort me and my kitten out the door. I look young enough I can get away with it.

Outside her house it didn't really have anything gross about it either. I think I saw a bike or something in the yard, but there was no trash and the outside of the house was clean and had all new siding and shutters.

To be honest, I think they were remodeling too. My mom didn't believe me when I said that though. I saw those paint cards pinned to the walls and it looked like the bathroom was really new.

She emailed me back already and said he's fine, but she put him in her room so he could sniff around and not be so scared.

aslan
August 15th, 2008, 06:40 PM
kathryn i think you know you did the right thing and your kittens are very important to you. One question. The animals the woman owned, were they spayed and neutered?

kathryn
August 15th, 2008, 07:08 PM
The 2 dogs were. The male cat had an appointment for early next month. They didn't adopt him from a shelter, they had just picked him up somewhere as a free to good home kitty and said he was in a bad situation or whatever so they just took him home and are getting it done soon. They basically said he keeps trying to get out the door to roam so they can't wait to get him neutered :laughing:

The one dog was about 9 years old and she only looked about 4 or 5. I'd say that's a pretty good sign.

aslan
August 15th, 2008, 07:14 PM
yup very good sign, they take in animals in need and they have the sense to get them fixed. Don't let your mom get to you, sounds like a good home to me.:thumbs up

kathryn
August 15th, 2008, 07:17 PM
Hopefully she does get around to cleaning up. I should send her a complimentary maid XD

My mom was really weird about Waffles as well. He was the orange tabby I was fostering. I did the same thing where I put an ad up for him, did a phone interview and whatnot, then brought him to his new house. Once we left that house she was like ..ewww it smelled gross in there. and they were moving so she was like... what do they do, move out when they get tired of cleaning their house?


I think my mom needs to calm down.

Oh, and Waffles is doing fantastic I should mention.

aslan
August 15th, 2008, 07:20 PM
aaaah the untidies make the house look lived in, lol, next time make mom wait outside. oh what ever happened with that snake.

happycats
August 15th, 2008, 07:29 PM
The way someone keeps there home, has no bearing on how they will treat thier pets IMO. Just think, she spends more time with her kids and pets then she does cleaning.....and that's a good thing.

Many people are obsessed with a "perfect" and clean house, and loose sight of what life's really about....and it's about spending quality time with the people and things you love!!

Don't worry that sweet kitty probably has a great home!

kathryn
August 15th, 2008, 07:34 PM
That giant snake? Never saw it again. It's got to be in there somewhere though.

This is what my friend Fran from the shelter said when I messaged her

Honestly, my neighbor and one of my very good friends (actually Buffy's mom -- remember him?) -- her house is -- well, let's just say lived in. I'm like your mom -- I am super fussy about being clean. People come in my house and cannot believe I have six cats -- and now two dogs. Even though Dawn's house is not as picked up as I would have it, she totally cares about her pets. I could not have picked a better home for Buffy for sure. She has five cats, all in tip top shape, and two dogs that are totally loved. etc etc.

She agreed with you guys that I should go by how the pets and kids look instead of the fact the house was kinda messy.

14+kitties
August 15th, 2008, 07:50 PM
OMG! If your mom saw my place she would try to take every animal I have away! I try to keep it as clean as I can but with a sandblaster tracking sand in all the time, my gardens and greenhouses, the pets, 2 stepsons who aren't clean fanatics, and me not putting housework at the top of my priority list...... :sad:.

We live in an old, old farmhouse that needs major work done, floors need replaced again, there is one bathroom that is in bad need of wallpapering (kitties evidently think one little piece of loose wallpaper means they can strip the walls. :laughing: ), and me being the knick knack queen........ yeah, it's sad. Would I change it? Mmmmm, for a newer home, yep, but not for anything else. We are happy the way we are and the pets don't go hungry or in need of vet care. The only thing I want changed this year is to give my catuary kitties a better home.

Tell mom to loosen up a bit but do it nicely. Her heart's in the right place. And please do not offend this wonderful woman who adopted another pet on top of what sounds like a very hectic schedule by offering her a free maid service.

You do a great job with these kitties. Keep up the fantastic work!!! :thumbs up

clm
August 15th, 2008, 08:51 PM
OMG! If your mom saw my place she would try to take every animal I have away! I try to keep it as clean as I can but with a sandblaster tracking sand in all the time, my gardens and greenhouses, the pets, 2 stepsons who aren't clean fanatics, and me not putting housework at the top of my priority list...... :sad:.

We live in an old, old farmhouse that needs major work done, floors need replaced again, there is one bathroom that is in bad need of wallpapering (kitties evidently think one little piece of loose wallpaper means they can strip the walls. :laughing: ), and me being the knick knack queen........ yeah, it's sad. Would I change it? Mmmmm, for a newer home, yep, but not for anything else. We are happy the way we are and the pets don't go hungry or in need of vet care. The only thing I want changed this year is to give my catuary kitties a better home.

Tell mom to loosen up a bit but do it nicely. Her heart's in the right place. And please do not offend this wonderful woman who adopted another pet on top of what sounds like a very hectic schedule by offering her a free maid service.

You do a great job with these kitties. Keep up the fantastic work!!! :thumbs up

Your mom wouldn't think much of my place either :laughing: Summer months the outdoors gets all the attention. Not everyone is a neat freak. I wouldn't offend her by offering free maid service either.

Cindy

kathryn
August 15th, 2008, 08:53 PM
My mom had to upset me again. I was getting ready to get a shower and she was like "I feel terrible for what we did to that kitten today" acting like we murdered it or something. It's not like this lady was some animal hoarder. She had previous pets that have died and wants to continue having animals. She had 2 turtles, a chinchilla, a rabbit, 2 dogs and now 2 cats. That's not really alot. Less pets then I have.

My mom is really making my feel guilty but I don't feel like I should have to feel guilty. My friend Fran and I were talking about how when we adopted this dog out recently to this couple at an offsite event... how do we know her apartment wasn't a mess? How do we know she wasn't a slob? But what we did know was she fell in love with the dog and we could see that.


Whenever I get an email about my fosters or anything, I put the address in google and search around to make sure it's not a scam or anything. I had come across her myspace page and yes, I snooped but not like a stalker. She had pictures of her old pets on there with RIP under them and wrote how much she missed them etc etc. Okay... now does that sound like a bad pet owner? No.

Bad at house cleaning? Yes.

I hope my mom doesn't bring this up again. She is too stuck on judging people by their houses.


Side note:
My aunt went away on vacation this week and hired me to clean her house for her. To be completely honest... my aunts house was pretty gross!!! It LOOKED pretty but once I got cleaning I found utterly disgusting wads of fur and things stuck to the floor etc. That sounds mean doesn't it? Plus my aunts basement is a finished basement, and I'd have to compare it to exactly as the lady who adopted my kittens house was. So I'm not going to say that to anyone, but really it got me thinking. Half my aunts house is a complete mess and she doesn't really ever clean down there but yet my mom would never say anything about that :rolleyes:

Frenchy
August 15th, 2008, 09:42 PM
kathryn , if the house was clean but just messy , with the kids and the pets they have , I say no biggie. As long as it was clean , who cares about the mess , it may just say about them that they like to spend more of their time with their kids and their animals instead of always pick up after everyone. ;)

luckypenny
August 15th, 2008, 10:35 PM
Oh my, if I had to keep my place spotless, I'd have no time for my children, my dh, my job, my dogs, and pets.ca :laughing:.

It sounds like this woman has her hands really full. 5 children and studying full-time? That's amazing that she still has such a big heart to take in and love all her pets too. I think you did a great job finding the kitten such a purrfect home, kathryn :highfive:.

kiara
August 16th, 2008, 08:01 AM
These people sound like huge animal lovers. A lot of people are messy but not filthy. Stop worrying, your mother is overreacting. If rescues were more lenient, more animals would find happy forever homes.

kathryn
August 16th, 2008, 09:03 AM
Yeah.. you guys are right. I might talk to the people from the county shelter where she got her dog from and ask if anyone remembers her. I find alot of people who work in shelters are really good at remember every person that comes in. It's kinda weird. I'm going to see them tomorrow because I am a volunteer for them now as well. Maybe I can find whoever oversaw her adoption and see if they do home checks. I couldn't care less about some laundry and papers on the floor, but I'd like someone to go out and maybe make sure there wasn't exposed wires or chemicals laying around. To be honest... the house really did not seem hazardous to me. I didn't see every room, but as I said I looked in the kitchen and there wasn't any cleaners laying around and all the cabinets were closed tightly as so the kitty isn't going to stumble upon some chemicals and drink them. I am going to talk to them and hopefully it will help me get some closure.

The lady was so nice that I don't think I could just ask for the kitten back. I just don't want my kitten to get injured, but her house didn't seem like a danger to him.

I guess since she reminded me of myself. I never clean my room and there is always junk on my floor and to be honest my room has been 5 times a dirty/messy as her house lots of times.. and no one's ever gotten hurt in here. I'm a messy person, and sometimes a little dirty with leaving dishes all over the place, but I love my pets and I think she's the same way.

Melinda
August 16th, 2008, 06:22 PM
if given the choice to play with my kids and pets or clean my house....hmm which do you suppose I'd do?? (careful walking into my bedroom, just walk over the hamper of clean clothes, I'll put them away later when the kids are sleeping)..................I see an "untidy" clean home as a sign of a happy well adjusted familyl, I think you did just fine placing that kitten. feel good.

kathryn
August 16th, 2008, 07:14 PM
My mom is trying to get him back though. I'm going to have to go to the shelter tomorrow and talk to them in person. I'm not finalizing the adoption until I feel confident about my choice. My mom is saying she has been having really bad feelings about it. She doesn't even seem unreasonable right now she's acting like she's having some mom type gut instinct thing and so now I'm spazzing out again. We don't know what's going to happen right now. I have alot to do tomorrow and have alot on my mind. I'm meeting someone who is interested in adopting Franklin. We are going to the house BEFORE we adopt him out and letting them have a 'play date' with him. We are getting all their information and everything and I am schedualed to be volunteering at Petsmart right near their house so while I'm there they are going to hang out with him to make sure it's a good match.

14+kitties
August 16th, 2008, 08:06 PM
Just a thought. Did you get the lady's vet's name? Can you phone the vet and find out how they feel she looks after her pets? That may put your mom's mind at rest. In future that may be something you can ask potential adoptees for.
I know it's tough dealing with moms. I am one. :D She sounds like she has the kitten's best interest at heart but she can't judge someone on a messy/clean house. Well, not unless it's an absolute pig sty. :rolleyes:

kathryn
August 16th, 2008, 08:12 PM
Yeah the AWA asks for the name of the vets. I have the name + number. Is there a doctor/patient thing?

I'm really upset now because my mom has got me freaked out because she just keeps walking around saying she feels awful and she's really worried and that we really need to drive back there and get him back. I haven't really been able to eat and I've just been puking and I mean she just keeps saying she seriously feels like it was a bad choice.

I don't even like this kitten because he was never nice to me and always scratched me but I feel soooo upset and I think we are just going to either have someone make a home check for me or we are just going to have to cancel the adoption and get him back. I know I'm going to have to sound immature or something by having the reason that we are getting him back is that I got really upset. It's not like I can call her up and be like.. ohh yeah my mom thinks your house is disgusting can I have my cat back?

I dunno.. my mom has just got me reallyyyy worried because she isn't just saying it... she really seems upset and stressed about the kitten and she is having bad dreams and wanted to just leave last night and go get him back.

14+kitties
August 16th, 2008, 08:22 PM
Well, if that's the case.... sometimes mom's instincts are right. BUT you said you saw the other pets, they seemed happy and healthy, and you thought your mom was basing her bad vibes on the dirty house.
See if your mom will wait till after you talk to the vet's office. Maybe if she hears how the other pets are treated from them she will relax. I don't know, it's worth a shot. :shrug:
As far as the patient/doctor thing.... it's not like you are going to be asking specifics. You are only going to ask if they feel she is a good, responsible pet owner. That's it. Most vets will not mind offering that info if they know why you want it.
I think that is something that should be done before pets are placed in any home.

14+kitties
August 16th, 2008, 08:24 PM
I might also add - if the woman gave the vet's number she is aware that you will be phoning the vet to ask questions.

kathryn
August 16th, 2008, 08:46 PM
Okay thanks a bunch. I mean before I really thought she was overreacting like usual. But now in all honesty she is being realllyyy weird about it and she feels really uncomfortable with the whole situation. If she was just overreacting about it she would have gotten over it by now, but she's really like on the verge of tears saying she wants the kitten back. If she was just being mean and judgmental she would have said something mean and judgmental, not starting to cry and asking for her kitty back.

So tomorrow it really looks like I'm going to have to make a fool of myself and ask the shelter to help me get my kitten back.

I'm hoping it goes better with Franklin tomorrow for his little visit. From now on I'm doing a pre-adoption visitation.


I feel so awful in every way right now. My mom is seriously having those mom sensing something bad feelings.

14+kitties
August 16th, 2008, 08:55 PM
I think you should stop calling it your kitten. I do believe it's your mom's kitten now. :D

Personally, if I don't know a person interested in adopting one of mine the kitty doesn't go anywhere until I phone the vet to verify. I also check to make sure it is a real vet!

kathryn
August 18th, 2008, 08:50 AM
Well I called the vets office and they pulled her file. I said 'would you say they are a good pet parent?' and they looked over the file and said yes. I asked if everyone was up to date with everything and are healthy and they said yes. So yeah, that's enough for me.

She's emailed me as well to tell me he's doing great.

So my mom may not like this lady because her house was messy, but I mean just because my room is messy and I'm a messy person doesn't mean I don't care about myself or my pets. It's just I have more important things to worry about then cleaning up some stuff.

14+kitties
August 18th, 2008, 08:57 AM
Well I called the vets office and they pulled her file. I said 'would you say they are a good pet parent?' and they looked over the file and said yes. I asked if everyone was up to date with everything and are healthy and they said yes. So yeah, that's enough for me.

She's emailed me as well to tell me he's doing great.

So my mom may not like this lady because her house was messy, but I mean just because my room is messy and I'm a messy person doesn't mean I don't care about myself or my pets. It's just I have more important things to worry about then cleaning up some stuff.


:thumbs up Does that make your mom feel better? I hope so. Is there a way you could ask for a repeat visit - say in two weeks? Maybe she will have had a chance to clean a little. If you could tell your mom you are going back to do a follow up maybe it would help her accept the fact you don't have to be a fantastic housekeeper to be a good pet mom.

cpietra16
August 18th, 2008, 10:51 AM
YIkes....note to self....never invite Kathryn's mom for tea.
Sorry but with 5 cats, 1 dog, 3 kids, 2 fish....my homes does look lived in..."Well Lived In"...

kathryn
August 18th, 2008, 11:23 AM
She lives extremely far out of the way. I just asked her to email me some pictures when she gets some spare time. My mom somewhat chilled out after I told her the vet said everything was fine. She's just a complete clean freak.

I also talked to my neighbor about it. She helps me with the cats outback and is very nice. She explained that her upstairs is completely a horrible mess right now, but she said she's busy with school, work, taking care of her 2 finches (who just laid eggs!!) and taking care of the cats and her brother died recently and all kinds of stuff like that. Her house is very nice inside but to be honest the ladies house was kinda nice inside too with some decorations and family pictures on the wall, but she just didn't tidy up.

Soo it's all good now. My mom is still going to be a clean freak no matter what.

Here is the email I got last night

Just wanted to catch you up to date. Hes doing fine. He has been out and about in my bedroom. I gave him his own litter box and he likes to sleep on my bed. Bob is getting a little better with him but it will take some time. Hes eating and drinking and I gave him a small stuffed bear that he romps around with. Hes very lovable and loves to get scratched right behind his ears. So far so good. Ill be in touch as time progresses. Take care.


So yeah, nice lady messy house. I feel fine now but I'm sure my mom is going to continue to be really picky about people in the future.

Love4himies
August 18th, 2008, 12:01 PM
If you didn't get any bad vibes from her or her children, I wouldn't worry too much. My housework falls far on my priority list depending on what fosters I have at the time and how much of my time they require. My pets are my priority.

Plus, you wouldn't want one of your kitties to go to somebody whose home comes before thier kids and furkids.;)

FancyAppy
August 28th, 2008, 12:36 PM
Without exception every time I let one of my rescued go to a new home I double think my decision, I doubt myself and question how well my furry is being taken care of...even after 3 references and vet references and home visits...I still get weird about it after they are gone.
I think it is normal to feel that way when we have put so much of ourselves into helping an animal.
It sounds like your mom was very attached to this kitty and is having a hard time letting go.I know how hard that can be.The adopter sounds like a good fit for the kitty. She is responsible and loving it seems.I think you did a good job finding the kitty a really nice home.
Sometimes , for me, the hardest part of rescuing/fostering...is giving them up.

kathryn
August 28th, 2008, 12:43 PM
She sent me a few pictures. here's one

http://a30.ac-images.myspacecdn.com/images01/22/l_a6cf6885e96032728dd2061626d7d4dd.jpg



I assume that is a good sign right? I believe that is her youngest son. Kitty looks really happy and healthy...

Love4himies
August 28th, 2008, 01:03 PM
He doesn't look stressed or sickly to me, looks pretty relaxed and happy so I wouldn't worry too much. It is nice she has kept in contact with you, wish I could with those who adopt my fosters.

14+kitties
August 28th, 2008, 10:18 PM
He sure doesn't look like he's neglected in that pic! And the house isn't that bad either. Maybe disorganized but not dirty.
You did a good job kid! :thumbs up

kiara
September 20th, 2008, 08:56 PM
Since we are rescuers and fosters we have seen many cats (and dogs) in very serious physical and emotional situations. We do have to be careful who adopts them! But how far will it go as to chosing the right person to adopt??? What about people on welfare who cannot afford to take their pets to the vet, also others who don't believe in spaying or neutering (if the shelter did not provide this service before adoption?) Can the public be trusted not to let FIV cats outside, because they will transfer this disease to other cats through a bite? By making the wrong choices we may be doing more harm than good. Decisions have to be made as what is the best quality of life for the pet to be adopted! Every rescue has their own "Rules", which are sometimes ridiculous.