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Will be gone for awhile!Relapse!Infection

heidiho
July 30th, 2007, 04:46 PM
Bad bad relapse,i am lwaving job,i cannot focus on getting sober and also working worrying etc.I had a bad bad relapse w/adderrall and i am not in good shape,was supposed to work 2 more weeks,but i have really bad painful wounds again,and they are infected,i have bills to pay that is why i am at work,but my girlfriend just told mark for me,i was afraid to,and he wants me to walk out right now,and go home and rest,then i am going to arizona for 2 weeks.I just cant walk out of work though and leave boss high and dry.I also cant make it much longer these wounds are so painful and it is hot in here so sweating is not helping,anyway dont know if i will be here to respond,but just wanted to let you know why i will be gone.

Winston
July 30th, 2007, 04:51 PM
Heidiho! Take the time you need!! We will be here for anytime you want to chat! or for support! I certainly cant even imagine how painful this is! But please take baby steps! Dont worry about anyone other than yourself! If you have to leave and explain yourself later I think people will understand!

I hope everything works out in Arizona! Do you have any family there?

Cindy
:fingerscr

heidiho
July 30th, 2007, 05:02 PM
Yes my parents and best friend,i am gonna leave,i keep looking at the sores on my chest and i need to stop cause i am really flipping out

mummummum
July 30th, 2007, 05:16 PM
Get it done this time Heidi

~ blessings.

rainbow
July 30th, 2007, 05:38 PM
OH NO Heidi ....I am so sorry you have to go through this again. :sad: :grouphug: You have to leave work now....YOU come FIRST. And, you have to get well again for Roxy. :lovestruck:

Hang in there.....YOU can do it. :grouphug:

Dog Dancer
July 30th, 2007, 05:46 PM
Heidi, I'm so sorry for what you are going through. I'm not around much but I always look for an update on you. Take your time to recover. You're in my thoughts and prayers always.

Frenchy
July 30th, 2007, 06:01 PM
I'm sorry Heidiho :frown: Now you really have to take care of yourself and work 100% on getting red of this. But , if you don't mind asking , why do you have wounds ?

TeriM
July 31st, 2007, 02:16 AM
Good luck Heidiho. Lots of people here cheering for you and hoping you can beat this once and for all :fingerscr :pray: :goodvibes: .

joeysmama
July 31st, 2007, 07:45 AM
Heidi, I want all good things to happen for you. I'll be praying for you !! I hope you'll get a chance to get back on line soon. Take care of yourself !!

Jim Hall
July 31st, 2007, 08:44 AM
Hope you get better soon it sounds like you have a great boss and some wonderfull people who love you and that makes it a lot easier

Raumas
July 31st, 2007, 01:25 PM
Heidiho,

I know a bit about sobriety. I have a little over 21 years worth.

Slow down. Practice taking long, deep breaths. Focus on what's in front of you, and don't worry about the rest. (If it's not in front of you, you can't do anythng about it anyway.) And when that's resolved, then move on to the next issue.

It sounds like you have some good people around you. Give yourself some time to compose your thoughts, so you'll be able to ask for support you actually need. I think they'll understand and appreciate an uncluttered request.

If you're taking your meds in accordance to your doctor's instructions, then it's not a relapse. If need be, let your sponser have physically possession/control of the meds. If your sponser's not comfortable handling them, see if your grandsponser will do it. The point is, your support group is exactly that, your support group. They won't say no to a responsible request.

One day at a time.

Darryl

chico2
July 31st, 2007, 04:02 PM
Oh no Heidi,I am so sorry,I remember the terrible wounds you had the last time:frown:
Why Arizona,is it not where you had the most trouble??
Hope you are making the right choice:pray:

hazelrunpack
July 31st, 2007, 11:39 PM
:grouphug: Sorry to hear you're having trouble again, heidi. Kick it this time, okay! :goodvibes: :fingerscr We're all rootin' for you!

Be well! :pray:

krdahmer
August 1st, 2007, 12:34 PM
:grouphug: :goodvibes: Get well soon.

SableCollie
August 1st, 2007, 12:39 PM
Good Luck, I hope you have a good support network and are feeling better soon! It must be very tough, but hang in there! :goodvibes: :goodvibes: :goodvibes: :goodvibes:

Frenchy
August 1st, 2007, 10:05 PM
You haven't been back here Heidiho. So I guess you already left for Arizona. I think you have my e-mail adress. Please keep us posted as soon as you can. The most important thing right now is you , we will worry until we hear back from you. I wish Mark was part of this forum so he could keep us posted . Please take care of yourself :grouphug:

CyberKitten
August 1st, 2007, 10:56 PM
I am so sorry to hear your news Heidi!! I do hope you'll be OK. Take all the time you can and take care of yourself!! My thoughts are with you!! remember that prayer of serenity people in AA use (if I can recall how it goes - some of the best people I have met are recovering from some kind of an addiction):

Grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

This is the entire one - looked it up , I am not that with it nor had I ever heard the entire one, seems good: (except I am not sure God has a gender <Ducking, lol>. Seriously, it's a good prayer tho prob needs some updating re language tho being pc is not all that it's cut out to be, lol . :) I just do not want to offend people who do not believe in God or have a different religious viewpoint than I do. Take care Heidi - look forward to seeing you when you feel ready and well enough to return!!



God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.

--Reinhold Niebuhr

Copper'sMom
August 2nd, 2007, 01:46 AM
:grouphug: :pray: Get well soon Heidi.

happycats
August 2nd, 2007, 05:31 AM
Awww Heidi, my thoughts and prayers are with you. Get well soon!:fingerscr :goodvibes: :pray:

papillonmama
August 2nd, 2007, 08:56 AM
Hi heidi,

sometimes I feel like I don't say enough encouraging things, and maybe you feel like I'm only around when you are having trouble. I just wanted you to know that I think about you, and I hope that you get better soon.

I just met up with one of my friends from my past, and he has problems with addiction as well, and it occured to me how hard it's been for him, because so many people have stopped being his friend. So it was like a reminder, he knows that I'll always be there for him, not as much because I have kids and can't have him sick in front of them, but I am his friend and am still there for him.

So, I want you to know, no judgement, I'm here for you, as a friend, as an anonymous person who will simply listen when you need or to pass on advice when you want.

Take care of you, and I hope your visit goes well.

glasslass
August 2nd, 2007, 08:26 PM
Take care Heidiho. I've known you a long time now and I know you'll come through this. Your parents were there for you before, so I'm sure the decision to return to Arizona is because you're really serious about beating this thing. Remember they love you always and will look out for your best interests. Stay away from those former "friends" who only messed with your head. I know you feel like a loser right now, but you have so much compassion and good in you. You deserve a good life. You've always not allowed yourself to believe in yourself. Your friends here are not judgmental. We truly care about you.

dtbmnec
August 2nd, 2007, 10:12 PM
Hey hey lots of good vibes coming this way. Hoping you get better again. Remember we're here for you :)

:goodvibes: :goodvibes: :goodvibes: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

Megan

heidiho
August 3rd, 2007, 05:22 PM
Yeah those wounds,they are because i relapsed with the adderrall which is amphetamines,so when i cant sleep i would just mess with my skin and because i would do it for hours they became like sores,went to doctor they are getting better,i made sure to do it where it couldnt be seen,i finanlly told mark after about 3 days of hiding it,then i just lost it monday and he told me just to leave work and come home,boss actaully said ok to come back,so i am here til aug 10,then i am done with this job,which i dont think i could do much more of,way to boring and to much time to think,my skin is healing,very hard to look at without making me lose it,.I am very very confused i know i am super homesick,but there is alot of $ needed if i want to move back and even then i would have to live with my gf who has 2 kids there and a doberman and a dachshund so i dont know how i will get roxy and them to get along,and yes if i move back there i would have to be very careful.I just dont know what iwant anymore,but i know i need to at least go visit my friends and family.So i will be here til wednesday,then the girl that worked here before me comes back and i have to re train her.

mummummum
August 3rd, 2007, 05:26 PM
Heidi, you need to get clean sober. Plain and simple.

heidiho
August 3rd, 2007, 05:47 PM
That is really all there is to say,mark said the same thing,and the doctor also let me have it to,mark isnt even sure at this point if he can deal with this anymore cause he feels helpless,it is getting pretty old for everyone,i am gonna spend this weekend resting and thinking about all of this,because i am pretty much running out of options and everyone is getting sick of it,except my girlfriend in az who will take me into her home in a second.

mummummum
August 3rd, 2007, 05:53 PM
Your choice Heidi ~ life or a slow death.

heidiho
August 3rd, 2007, 06:46 PM
Yeah i know,and i have my moments where i think "With all these relapses i should just give in'But no matter what happens i know i cant.And iam right back where i started again,and times like this(i am extremely worn out mentally and physcially right now,ready to go home and just sleep and sleep)i just dont think i have it in me to try and fight it anymore,even my parents dont want me to come home,i mean they would take me in,but i think they have had enough to.

Winston
August 3rd, 2007, 07:09 PM
Heidiho!! Nice to hear from you again! I agree with Mum3 ! It may hurt to hear it but it is true..plain and simple...

Do you need to go to Arizona? Or is there somewhere there that you can go? Maybe that would be easier on you physically you know? All that said thanks for checking in with us !! I am sure everyone has been concerned..

Cindy
:thumbs up

heidiho
August 3rd, 2007, 07:14 PM
I think what i am gonna do is after next week,go visit az for a week and see how i feel then about living there again,right now i am just really homesick,and back on the suboxen which for some reason knocks me out the last 3 days that is all i did was sleep.So i know i am not thinking totally clearly right now,boy i sure will miss roxy that week,whatever happens she is going with me.

Frenchy
August 3rd, 2007, 07:41 PM
I'm so glad to hear from you Heidiho ! I think M3X said it best, you must get clean. You have to think where it will be easier for you to get help. Maui ? Or Arizona ? I really wish I could help you , but right now , only you can do it. :grouphug:

Lukka'sma
August 3rd, 2007, 08:04 PM
Everyone here loves you Heidi and wants you to get better, we hope that is what you want for yourself.

heidiho
August 3rd, 2007, 08:40 PM
Honestly,i know maui will be the better choice to get clean, i am calling adderrll doctor monday to let him know that i will not be taking those anymore,that will solve that problem,and i have to stay on the suboxen and just make sure i have the $ put aside from it,arizona well that will be harder to do,so i dont know,going home now have a great weekend and thanks again.

mummummum
August 4th, 2007, 07:44 AM
Knock the prima donna stuff off Heidi.

chico2
August 4th, 2007, 09:10 AM
Heidi,I can understand how Mark feels,it's all up to you,you have to fight for your life...
I have dealt with homesickness severely many times,but was never able to just drop everything and go back....we have the idea in our head,the way it used to be"at home",but if you think back,Arizona was not a happy place for you.
As far as I remember,your girlfriend was also an addict,she is not going to help..
Also taking Roxy out of her environment and Mark,would be a purely selfish thing to do,especially when at times you cannot even care for yourself,you have to get clean before you can care for another living beeing.
Harsh words,I know,but Roxy is happy where she is,dragging her with you to an uncertain future in Arizona is just not fair.
One day,hopefully,when you are in control of your life,you,Mark and Roxy can have a future,it's all up to you,don't waste your life....I am saying this because I care,ok!

mummummum
August 4th, 2007, 09:16 AM
Good and righteous words Chico ~ let's hope she can still hear.

rainbow
August 4th, 2007, 01:54 PM
Chico and MX3, you both have said what I've wanted to say for awhile now but just couldn't think of the right words. :o

Heidi, PLEASE LISTEN to what they said. If you go to Arizona right now you are jumping out of the frying pan into the fire. You need to stay where you are and face your problems once and for all. If you're truly serious about wanting to get clean then sign yourself into a rehab centre.

heidiho
August 6th, 2007, 03:45 PM
Not sure about the PRIMA DONNA thing! How am i acting like that?And yes Chico you said everything me and mark discussed about Roxy,i am more clear headed right now and NO i will not bring roxy into that environment,i know how cats are and to disrupt her living conditions and to bring her into that situation is very unfair and cruel,i will not be doing that to her.This is my last week at this job,either thursday or friday,so i will be getting a new day job and also a job at night.I am going to get all credit cards and bills paid off.I am going to get some money in the bank for back up.If at that time me and mark do not wish to be together any longer i will get a place here.He has been awesome to me,but we both know arizona is not the best choice and i would never put roxy through that.Even if months from now i wanted to go back i will not do it unless i have a job and my own place lined up.And yes my gf there has her own issues with addiction also,so no not the wisest place for me to go.So that is the plan,as for right now,i go back to shrink saturday,am back on suboxen and i know this is the LAST time mark will go through this,he feels at this point maybe he is enabaling me,but i asked him to give me one more chance,lets do the drug testing like we were supposed to this time.I could tell my parents also have had enough and i have had enough myself.

Frenchy
August 6th, 2007, 03:51 PM
Tell Mark he's a great guy ! I can't help but feel you need more help than this Heidiho. I know it is limited where you are located , but I wish you could get into a program. :sad:

clm
August 6th, 2007, 04:03 PM
I'd like to see you get more help too Heideho, it certainly can't hurt. I hope it all works out for you. :fingerscr

Cindy

chico2
August 6th, 2007, 04:12 PM
Heidi,you've made some good choices,hopefully you can stick to them:pray:
I am also pleased you think of Roxys wellbeing above your own,I am assuming Mark also loves her and would take good care of her.
Wherever you move to,your addiction will follow,whether you are in Arizona or Maui,there are no magic potions or places,only you can fix it.
I also do not blame your parents,you are not a child and have to deal with this yourself,depending on how much you value your life.
I have a son who was addicted to gambling,one week he was going to kill himself,the other he was totally up,thought he was going to win millions.Every time the phone rang,I nearly had a heartattack,he lived in Halifax NS,where video-gambling machines were everywhere.
We did everything we could for him,but in the end he had to make his own choices and get treatment,he did and is ok now.
Drugaddiction is scary and very sad,but it comes to a point for a parent,they just cannot deal with it,they cannot get you clean,only you can.
It seems Mark is a great guy and I really sympathize with him,please think of him and little Roxy,before the next high,they love you:pray:

Frenchy
August 6th, 2007, 04:28 PM
It seems Mark is a great guy and I really sympathize with him,please think of him and little Roxy,before the next high,they love you:pray:

Chico2 is right ! I know that the addiction is far more stronger , but try Heidiho :pray: , maybe get a picture of those 2 together and carry it with you , maybe it will give you more willpower. :grouphug:

heidiho
August 6th, 2007, 04:58 PM
I totallt agree,even when he went friday to the doctors with me,she let me have it and said she wasnt sure if the meds were enough,and mark told her he didnt know what else to do ,and she said it is like the people that you see living on the streets there comes a time when you kind ig have to give up on someone who doesnt seem to want to help themselves.And i am not gonna lie,trying to work and take care of everything else and not making getting sober your top priority does make it harder to do(alot harder)then if you had the financial means to go somewhere for a month and just striclty focus on that,and i am not being pri ma donna,i am just stating a fact.But i have to make the best with what tools i have and that is what i am gonna do.Also just got an email from the girl who used to work here that was supposed to come back wednesday,now she cant start til the 15 th,i am pretty pissed and upset because i cant do this job much longer,it is very slow and there is way to much time to just sit here and think about everything and i was very happy this was my last week here.So that is a bummer big time,.I really cannot handle sitting in this chair for 2 more weeks,i was so excited to finally get out there outside of my comfort zone and get a job where i am busy and being useful.

rainbow
August 6th, 2007, 05:14 PM
Chico2 is right ! I know that the addiction is far more stronger , but try Heidiho :pray: , maybe get a picture of those 2 together and carry it with you , maybe it will give you more willpower. :grouphug:

I also agree. And, if you still have pictures of what you looked like when you were in bad shape before then bring them out also. Carry one with you, tape one on the fridge and another on your mirror.

And, kudos to Mark for staying by you. Stay strong, Heidi. :goodvibes:

heidiho
August 6th, 2007, 05:25 PM
She is my screensaver,but i will also put a picture on my desk also of both of them.And yes i am suprised mark stuck with me through this one,it was a bad one,so i know there are no more chances at this point.

growler~GateKeeper
August 6th, 2007, 05:32 PM
heidiho I'm glad you're still seeing the shrink, you must stick w/that, Rainbow is right if you have a picture of yourself in really bad shape that may help to give you strength. Is there really no rehab faciilities or AA meetings or drug counselor you can join? Maybe a support group run out of the local hospital? I think it is a wise decision to stop the adderrll, but isn't there also a way to get off the suboxen too? Please forgive my ignorance but I have no idea what either one is supposed to do, but it seems to me a little too much drugs (even tho prescription) for someone trying to get clean. Prescriptions can be addictive too.

Thank you for thinking of Roxy's needs first - imo AZ is a bad place for you to be there is way too much temptation w/your gf around - Roxy needs you to be strong & sober - she feels your distress & emotional unheaval just as much as you do.

Good luck :fingerscr on your path to clean living, if you need a place to vent you know where to come - we're here for you.

heidiho
August 6th, 2007, 05:41 PM
Confusing i know,so here is the short story,the suboxen is a med to help with the cravings for the vicodin,the adderrall i only take when i cant get the vicodin,vicodin is the one i am addicted to,when i ran out of the suboxen last week i tried to get vics but couldnt,so i got the adderrall.Yes suboxen is also addicting and you have to come off of it the way your doctor prescribes.She said she thinks i should be on it for about 2 months.I dont get it either,but i honestly feel boredom is my # 1 trigger and the sooner i can get out of this job and into something that keeps me busy, the better i will be.Idle time is bad time.Something like that.

growler~GateKeeper
August 6th, 2007, 06:01 PM
How about trying running as a boredom/stress reliever? When I feel stressed the best thing is to go for a long hard (4 miles in 1 hour) walk, this will also give you a natural (& acceptable) adrenal rush

rainbow
August 6th, 2007, 06:23 PM
Heidi, do you have any hobbies that you can take to work with you for now?

heidiho
August 6th, 2007, 07:23 PM
No i just bring lots of magazines to read and welll play on the internet.Oh yeah and go outside for a cigarette,i dont get a lunch here.

Schwinn
August 7th, 2007, 09:55 PM
You need to really want it, deep down. Take a look at what you're risking. Even you're Dr is ready to give up. My hope for you is start loving yourself more than the drugs. You need to make an effort to go get the drugs, I'm sure they aren't just lying around (and if they are, flush them!). Put the effort into something else, anything. Hell, get a gameboy if that'll keep your mind off them!

Bottom line is, you're putting the effort in to keep on them, you need to figure out why. Hopefully the shrink can help you figure out why. In the meantime, it sounds like you're on your last chance with some people who really love you, keep that in mind next time you go looking for a fix.

I am pulling for you, and I do hope it works out.

dtbmnec
August 8th, 2007, 02:17 PM
You've found a potential trigger. That's a good thing. It really is because then you can find ways around it. :)

So you have free access to the 'net while at work. Have you visited maybe addicting games.com? Seriously they're short little flash animation games and they can be rather addicting (but in a good way :p). It might help pass the time and then you won't be so bored? The other good thing about them is its so easy to leave them if a customer comes up (ok so you die..big deal) and you can pick it up and try for the next high score. Know what I mean?

Look up stuff that interests you...things you might come across in your new job...things that you'd like to go out and do with Mark...join a site that allows you to help other people in other areas of life (much like Pets.ca)...

I'm rooting for you here! Please please stick to what you've decided. :grouphug: :pray:

Megan

heidiho
August 8th, 2007, 02:37 PM
Well i only have 3 more days here,mon and tues next week i will be here but re training the girl,so i wont be able to get on here,so that is a huge relief,because the bordeom and lack of socializing is a big part of it.And i am doing 4 miles on bike after work,start working at night next week,and once i get momma and bob all cleaned up with shots and stuff i am gonna try and put some $$ together so i can join the gym and take a few classes there,mark has been so busy with day job then he has been doing paintings at night,so it is time i do get my OWN life back,and just be prepared so i can take care of myself if i need to in the future.Gonna start surfing again this weekend.And it is very sad when doctor has had it with you,i agree,i do need to have shrink help me figure out why i keep doing this crap,i dont even remember back in az it being this hard to quit the pills,although i was also smokin meth to,so i dont know,but this is my very last chance with everyone so i need to just do it.,

Lukka'sma
August 8th, 2007, 02:56 PM
I really do hope you find something that excites you Heidi. Look at continuing education courses, if for no other reason than just personal interest. I am sure you must have several schools that offer that sort of thing. Or go to the local hospital or nursing homes and join the volunteers there to help feed patients during meal times, or just read a book to one, or help write a letter for a resident that has very poor eye sight. (all of this is no cost $$$ to you, so will not break the bank, and you don't have to go at a specific hour to sit in a residents room and help them with a task, so you pick your hours) Go to a school and help out at lunch time in the cafeteria.
There are so many things you could do, all you need is the motivation.

heidiho
August 8th, 2007, 05:56 PM
Well starting next week i will be busy working 2 jobs and hopefully soon joining the gym.I also really need to get to a point where i can be on my own if i have to,and messing up with the pills is not gonna get me there.And the main thing that will get me to stay clean,is NOW i know mark will not let me take roxy anywhere to live except my own place if we dont work out,and i cannot ever let that happen,i would never forgive myself if i lost her,even though i know she would be well taken care of by mark,he knows that me and her belong together but he would not let me disrupt her life by moving her somewhere where she would not be happy,like she would if it was just me and her in an apt,and i also woudl not do that to her.