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Getting my own place in Maui!!

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heidiho
May 1st, 2007, 05:11 PM
Well we have been talking and in a few months,once i financially am ok,i am getting my own place,we just cannot get along,we are both set in our ways and the fighting is never ending about just stupid things,so we are gonna date just not live together and see if it is meant to be.Breaking up w/ roxy involved breaks my heart but he can come see her and stuff..Just an update..

chico2
May 1st, 2007, 05:19 PM
Aww Heidi,sorry to hear that,I hope you will be able to manage on your own financially:fingerscr
Roxy will be fine,as long as she is with you,the ones that are worse off are the 2 kitties you've been feeding:sad:
I was hoping you and Mark were a lifelong relationship,but poop happens,not much to do but pick up and go on.

Lukka'sma
May 1st, 2007, 05:22 PM
Aww Heidi, so sorry that things are not going well for the two of you. I wish the best for you.
Do you have family in Hawaii or are they all on the mainland. (not sure of your prior life before I arrived on this site a few months ago) Anyway, it's a hard thing on the heart regardless of it being a joint decision. Take care

jiorji
May 1st, 2007, 05:26 PM
awww Heidi :sad:

Lukka'sma
May 1st, 2007, 05:30 PM
Hey, look at this Heidi, the future is looking brighter already. You can date other people right?

http://i49.photobucket.com/albums/f278/juggalette6srh9/c9e02028.jpg

RolandsMom
May 1st, 2007, 05:30 PM
oh Heidi, im sorry to hear that. i was wondering how it was going. sometimes living together just doesnt work.
i really hope the dating thing goes well. Roxy will be fine. i know what you are going through and i will be sending you lots of:grouphug: and:goodvibes: . let us know how the move goes.

TeriM
May 1st, 2007, 05:31 PM
So sorry to hear things aren't going well for you. Big hugs and good wishes that things will get better :grouphug: .

RolandsMom
May 1st, 2007, 05:31 PM
woohee! Lukkas'ma. if she cant, send him my way!!!! :D

Dog Dancer
May 1st, 2007, 05:32 PM
Heidi, so sorry things aren't working out for you two right now. Sometimes you do need some space and time to work things through though. Maybe a bit of distance will make things clearer for you both. If it works out later that's good, if not, well life goes on. Just don't get down about it Heidi, don't slide into bad places. We're all here to support you emotionally and through the hard times. Use away girl - just make sure you use us! Roxy will still be loved to pieces so she'll be fine. Take care of yourself.

heidiho
May 1st, 2007, 05:32 PM
Yeah it is a horrible situation,but we talked about it,and he will keep feeding the 2 cats for me,and said most likely he will let them come inside and hang out when they want,they are my main concern cause i know no one will take care of them like me,but i will stop over there a few times a week(hard not to get teary eyed thinking about not seeing them everydday)My family lives in arizona,but i have nothing there except really bad memories and habits,this is my home now and i filled out an app for government apts,only 600.00 a month but waiting list is long,so we will see,and no pets allowed,so i am going to doctor to get prescription for anxiety and roxy will be the medication,i know alot of people here that have done that,if that doesnt work i will look around for a place i can afford and allows cats,if that doesnt work i am screwed and mark will get to keep her,Which i just cant let happen,just because she is all i have,he loves her to death to,but knows she is my cat........

Lukka'sma
May 1st, 2007, 05:40 PM
woohee! Lukkas'ma. if she cant, send him my way!!!! :D

We have been down this road before about him. It probably is too early for Heidi to even consider dating him. He's smoking' though isn't he. He lives on Heidi's island I think.

heidiho
May 1st, 2007, 05:51 PM
:laughing: :laughing: He lives on Oahu,and yes we will be dating other people,well i will be,he doesnt want kids and stuff,and i dont know if i do or not,but iam not ready to give up that dream of maybe having them..Also he just isnt into doing couple things,he either wants to surf or drink beer,and there are so many things i want to do here,that is COOL to him so he doesnt do them..And as far as i see it,if it is meant to be it will be,but i need to live on my own to figure it out you know,i cant do it living there not knowing am i here cause he needs my part of the income or am i here cause he is so in love w/ me.Which i honestly dont believe he is in love w/ me nor am i to him.I think we are holding on to this jsut because it is a great story of how we got back together after 14 years,but we really have nothing in common.

Lukka'sma
May 1st, 2007, 06:04 PM
I had no idea you knew each other years ago. I guess dating someone you dated before kind of reminds you of all the reasons it didn't work in the first place.
All kidding aside about Leland, I wish you the best Heidi and I hope you are on a path that leads you to your OZ, whatever that may be.

breeze
May 1st, 2007, 06:19 PM
Heidi, It's better you find out now than later if you guys are compatible, there are no kids involed, just Roxy and there is no doubt in my mind that she belongs with you, you will find out if there is real love or not,
with everything that is in your past look how far you have come !!! you did it girl there is only the bright side to look forward to now ..
big :grouphug: and :goodvibes: :fingerscr sent your way

heidiho
May 1st, 2007, 06:27 PM
We talked about that to,14 years ago it didnt work,and then we see each other for the first time in 14 years for 7 days,which of course is filled w/pure fun and no worries,then i move here and we do it together(instead of getting my own place first) only to realize the only great thing we had was s**.And once that wears off somewhat we have nothing in common,and it does suck because what a great story,but i jsut dont think this is the one for me nor am i for him.I am not perfect by far,but i look at him and think this is not someone who has really ever totally grew up.It was great when i was 22 but not at 37 and him at 47,there is just a maturity that i want in a guy that he does not have.

Maya
May 1st, 2007, 07:06 PM
Hopefully you can still be friends and he will cook for you every now and then.:) Break ups are stressful to say the least.:sad: I think it does get a little easier as we get older though. Hope you find a good place.:fingerscr :fingerscr :fingerscr

Frenchy
May 1st, 2007, 07:21 PM
I'm so sorry Heidiho, but I'm glad you decided to stay and get a place of your own ! :thumbs up

heidiho
May 1st, 2007, 07:38 PM
At first he was mad because i was staying on island.But he now realizes and is happy he could at least bring me somewhere like this and show me there is a better way of life,so we should be ok living on such a small island,it would be weird running into him w/ a girl but i will get over it.My boss is saying i shouldnt put that i have a cat on application,this is the hard thing finding a place that allows pets that I CAN AFFORD.Not sure how this is gonna work..I might have to get 2 jobs so i can afford to live somewhere where i can have her,i have lost to many pets and i am not gonna live without roxy........even if i have to hook.just kidding.........

cpietra16
May 1st, 2007, 07:48 PM
Oh Heidi, I'm sorry it isn't working. I'm happy you're not thinking of going back to Arizona. Give it some time. Things usually have a way of working out. You're smart and beautiful, you can find a job.Start your own business...isn't there something you always wanted to do?

marsupial mama
May 1st, 2007, 07:56 PM
sorry to hear about this :sad: , but like someone else said, better sooner than later and with no kids etc.

i don;t know all your story but I get the feeling you have had some rough times. i really hope things will work out for you on all fronts and that you will find an affordable place where you can have pets too. You have been such a wonder caring for Roxy and her relatives, and what goes around comes around so I hope you find your pet friendly home.

Wishing you all the best.

heidiho
May 1st, 2007, 07:59 PM
I tell you,it would be impossible to have lived here,then to go back to Arizona,not gonna happen,i thought about it,and that is just a bad nightmare that i could honestly tell you i probably would fall back into,just because i have nothing there(well mom and dad)but i mean no future or anything,.I love it here and my cats are here,and mark is here,so someday if it is meant to be it can be..I have a decent job,so i am gonna make it one way or another.I did make business cards up for pet sittting and dog walking but only handed out a few,cause some woman started one on the westside here and she is insured,bonded and liscensed and i dont have any of that,so when i see someone walking a dog i hand them one,and i have given a few out to people i know to pass on,but that is about it,NOTHING else interests me to do at all besides that.I was thinking if i ever want to make real money i need to get into a big hotel place here,but it just isnt me....

Frenchy
May 1st, 2007, 08:01 PM
Why don't you want to work in hotels ? Must be great to work for people on vacation, happy people :D

cpietra16
May 1st, 2007, 08:07 PM
Get someone to help you write a business proposal about opening a a doggie/ kittie spa/ hotel. I bet there aren't any in the area??? I bet with a great presentation and demand a bank would listen...worth a shot if you love animals

heidiho
May 1st, 2007, 08:11 PM
Yeah you would think that huh!!Well i got shocking news for you,you would be suprised how many people come in here to check in and are the biggest a** holes,and where i work doesnt get nearly as busy as say The Hyatt,some people come in here sooooo miserable and bitchy i am in awe,and at this point in life i dont have that in me anymore to tolerate be treated that way,and my boss is so cool he doesnt expect me to.

heidiho
May 1st, 2007, 08:17 PM
Ok one place out for sure,just emailed me doctors note or not,NO PETS.......

Prin
May 1st, 2007, 08:21 PM
:grouphug: Good luck, Heidi.

Frenchy
May 1st, 2007, 08:43 PM
Is there a car dealer near ? Maybe I could move there and you could dogsit my fuzzbutts ? :D (If you don't overcharge :shrug: ) and I could put the moves on the guy posted before (so not hip, don't know who the heck he is) :confused:

heidiho
May 1st, 2007, 08:44 PM
Ok have appt thursday at 6:00 for a studio $800.00 a month(includes utilities) she will consider cat as long as it is strictly indoors,which i made clear she is and always will be,although i dont even on a tv or dishes or bed,but we can rough it.

Frenchy
May 1st, 2007, 08:51 PM
That's the fun part (I always tought anyway) getting a place alone , on your own and just manage with what you have. Hope you get this one :fingerscr

heidiho
May 1st, 2007, 09:00 PM
I think so to,you know we have had fights and he says it s his place when he knows i hate that crap.Never again unless i have 4 carats on finger and $$ in the bank,might sound shallow but idont care,learned my lesson again.I am pretty excited about my own place.w/roxy

rainbow
May 2nd, 2007, 12:33 AM
Awww, Heidi, sorry things didn't work out but no sense living together if you're not happy. :grouphug: Hope you get the $800 apartment. :fingerscr :goodvibes: You can always get stuff at the second hand store to furnish it. Do you have a freecycle website in Maui? It doesn't cost anything for you to sign up and lots of people give good stuff away. :thumbs up You've been down before but with your looks and attitude you will bounce back. :grouphug: :fingerscr :goodvibes:

rainbow
May 2nd, 2007, 01:54 AM
Heidi, here is the link to Freecycle if you're interested:

http://groups.yahoo.com/group/MauiHIFreecycle/

Skryker
May 2nd, 2007, 07:16 AM
:sorry: that things didn't work out as you'd hoped, Heidi. :sad: It's good that you'e excited about being on your own with Roxy, though. Good luck! :goodvibes:

Kristin7
May 2nd, 2007, 12:50 PM
Heidiho,
Sorry to hear about the man troubles, that is never fun. Sounds like you are looking forward to some things, though, so that's good! I broke up w/ someone a few months ago who seems to have similar issues as yours (not wanting to do couple things, constant arguing, immature). I must say, I haven't had this much energy in years (we dated waaay too long) and am just getting to know this place where I live and have been here for 5 years now. Kind of sad, but better late than never!

Hope you find a nice place that allows cats!! :fingerscr

hazelrunpack
May 2nd, 2007, 02:20 PM
Sorry to hear about you and Mark, Heidi. And I hope you get the apartment! :fingerscr

As long as you have Roxy for entertainment, who needs a TV!? :D And Roxy thinks cuddling with you on a sleeping bag on the floor is just as good as cuddling on a bed. :cloud9: So now all you need is dishes to go with your studio apartment! :thumbs up

:goodvibes: headed your way for tomorrow's apartment tour! :fingerscr

Shamrock
May 2nd, 2007, 02:42 PM
Heidi, sorry to hear things are not working out for you and Mark.:sad:
I wish you the best of luck with the new apartment, and for all good things to come your way.:fingerscr :goodvibes: :fingerscr

heidiho
May 2nd, 2007, 02:47 PM
Ok here is something that causes a big fight.he has an ex (he has boxes of pics of all his exes) but this one he really was in love with his mom liked her all that stuff,.well they started talking again,he likes to call her when he is drinking and i have seen sometimes as soon as i leave the house he calls her and they discuss our problems.I have a serious problem with that he says they are jsut friends and he shouldnt have to give up his friends cause we are togethr.What do you think?

Shamrock
May 2nd, 2007, 03:02 PM
Your boyfriend knows this bothers you a lot.
It's causing fights
I think he should stop the liquored-up calls to his ex, stop discussing your personal lives with her.. and stop making excuses for why he shouldnt "have to".:shrug:

rainbow
May 2nd, 2007, 03:11 PM
I agree with Shamrock. Did you get the $800 apartment? :fingerscr

heidiho
May 2nd, 2007, 03:19 PM
I meet her tomorrow at 4:30 i dorve by it though,it looks like a big house w/ studio in the back i think..I am dropping off application for the government apts that are only 660.00 a month but no peta allowed,so gonna ask if i have a doctors letter if i can have roxy,if not then that place is out.Ok so you think he is wrong,because he thinks i am being insecure,but see i have been decieved before,and not saying he is,but exes that were that close always have that thing,and i think it is wrong for them to discuss our issues.And my god i left one day at like 7:20 when i saw his phone it was like 7:22 when he called her.

jiorji
May 2nd, 2007, 03:26 PM
I have a serious problem with that he says they are jsut friends and he shouldnt have to give up his friends cause we are togethr.What do you think?

that would drive me up the wall too!:mad: I think if you have an ex, you should keep the past as past and focus on the present. But he could also talk to her in hopes to get ideas to fix your relationship, but he's obviously not willing to since he won't give her up.:sad:

cpietra16
May 2nd, 2007, 03:33 PM
There is not reason he needs to discuss your relationship with nis ex...period. If he loves and respects you he should understand your feelings and respect them....period

heidiho
May 2nd, 2007, 03:39 PM
And he said that,he was talking to her to see if she could give advice about what to do,but i dont buy it that that is all they talk about,bs.I cant get out of there soon enough,he also aksed what i thought about meeting her,i said you know let me get my own place then you can do what you want and i will meet her,but not while i am living basivally in your place.

rainbow
May 2nd, 2007, 03:43 PM
When you and Mark broke up the first time was it because of her?

heidiho
May 2nd, 2007, 03:53 PM
no they dated after us,i have been an addict for 20 years and when we were dating then i started having meth problems,and we just kind of went our seperate ways,plus i lived in az and he lived in cal..And this girl also had a coke problem to,and he says oh you guys would really get along.......urghhhhh

rainbow
May 2nd, 2007, 04:05 PM
Some guys just never mature. You have come a long way and will be better off without him. It may be hard at first but you will make it. :goodvibes:

heidiho
May 2nd, 2007, 04:37 PM
I agree,some people never do,i just want to get my own place soon,but have to pay some stuff off first.

Prin
May 2nd, 2007, 04:48 PM
Ok here is something that causes a big fight.he has an ex (he has boxes of pics of all his exes) but this one he really was in love with his mom liked her all that stuff,.well they started talking again,he likes to call her when he is drinking and i have seen sometimes as soon as i leave the house he calls her and they discuss our problems.I have a serious problem with that he says they are jsut friends and he shouldnt have to give up his friends cause we are togethr.What do you think?I dunno... I still talk to a few of the guys from my past... I still love them. They changed my life in great ways, and they are great people, so of course I'm going to stay friends with them. My man trusts me about it, and I trust me too...

If you're uncomfortable with it, you have to figure out why. Is he really going to cheat on you or do you just expect him to even though it's not in his character?

You have to be careful when relationships get older because there's a very fine line between real insecurities based on the person and left over insecurities from previous experiences and relationships...

Kristin7
May 3rd, 2007, 12:44 PM
hmmm.... that is a tough one. I think it depends on a lot of factors really, if it is ok or not. I am friends w/ one ex, but we are not what you call close. I do have some good guy friends, though. Sometimes people are bothered even if you've never dated the person. I can't say I've ever been with someone who did maintain a close relationship with an ex, at least, one as close as you are describing. There are usually good reasons why people break up, so I would probably feel worse if this was someone he had never dated. I do agree that people should not have to give up their friends, though. Friends are important no matter how they got to be friends. The drunken calling is suspicious though, as is the timing. You mentioned they just started talking again... why now, because he is having relationship problems? On the other hand, if he wants you to meet her, the whole thing is probably harmless. Seems like when guys stray, they tend to be much more secretive than that. My last boyfriend was very suspicious of me because his ex-girlfriend cheated on him. He was even suspicious and jealous of me spending time w/ any and all friends, both men and women. After awhile, I did start thinking maybe I should cheat, after all, I am already guilty (never did though, we broke up instead thankfully). good luck!

Rick C
May 3rd, 2007, 12:51 PM
Best wishes for the future Heidiho.

Rick C
www.goldentales.ca

Lukka'sma
May 3rd, 2007, 03:32 PM
How are you doing today Heidi? I imagine that the evenings at home with Mark are not the most enjoyable at the moment. Hope you get a place soon and start to recover from this broken relationship, it sounds as if you are well on your way to being just fine on your own.

heidiho
May 3rd, 2007, 03:49 PM
Prin said it very well,and that is what he says,i guess my main issue is the fact that he calls her as soon as i leave,or when he has had some beers,i mean ok if it is truly just friendship why does he never call her when i am around??And yes it is some insecurities on my part,i think they were engaged a long time ago to.But i wasnt born yesterday and know exes and sex happen..And he does say just cause i am not friends w/ my exes why should he not be,mind you this man has boxes of pictures of all his exes and not pictures you could post if you know what i mean,i let that one go a long time ago also.Anyway i dropped off application atthese government affordable apts ,my boss just told me about another one i am gonna see afterwork,and i go today to meet lady about studio.I really would like an apt, not a studio at someones house,but having hard time finding apt that allows pets.

RolandsMom
May 3rd, 2007, 04:11 PM
good luck with the apartment Heidiho!
i am friends with most of my exes although there is one that i would have problems being good around. luckily he lives in South africa.
these friendships can be totally innocent but i dont blame you for worrying if he only calls her when you are not around.
I think the most important thing a woman (or anyone for that matter) can do is trust her gut. it is NEVER EVER wrong. i have learnt this to my detriment and now it is one piece of advice that i will deliver freely and withour reserve. Do what feels right for you and trust that you will be fine and that when one door closes a multitude of others open. give it up to the universe and a path will open for you. you have come such a long way (from what you say) and you must be a very strong woman to have overcome what you have. hold onto that and never settle for anything but what makes you totally happy.

end lecture::D

Skryker
May 3rd, 2007, 04:16 PM
Heidi, I agree with Roland'smom-if it feels fishy to you, there is probably something to it. If he called her while you were there it would be different, I think. In the end, it seems like the ex is only a small part of the problem (salt in a open wound though it may be).

In general, I believe that exes can be friends as can men and women, without anything happening between them. But if it walks like a duck and it quacks like a duck, you'd be short-sighted to pretend it's a chicken. ;)

heidiho
May 3rd, 2007, 04:27 PM
To long of a story,but yeah i have come a very long way,i just know mark and could only imagine what they talk about,and my gut says it probably isnt all innocent.They dated for a long time and he really cares about her,and that is a problem for me,it is almost like emotional cheating to me,i know some will not agree,but it is just how i feel,our relationship is slowly dying and it is more important to him that he gets to talk to his friend from his past then work on us which is the present.The more i picture coming home to my own place the happier i feel,damn money,always relvoves aroung $$ or i would be out of there now.

RolandsMom
May 3rd, 2007, 04:30 PM
it is unfortunately what makes the world go round, money!
are there no house shares out there or are you over that? would be nice if you found a house to share with someone who also has a cat. they Roxy could have a friend!

jiorji
May 3rd, 2007, 04:32 PM
,it is almost like emotional cheating to me,.

i totally agree!!!
i mean, if you want to repair and work on a relationship with someone, you should talk to that person you're dating, not someone else.

you'll find someone else i'm sure:D

heidiho
May 3rd, 2007, 04:41 PM
I am so over that,i got offered a place where i work ,funny cause i would love to live here,but he has cat and i want to be able to keep my place how i want it,and all the fun stuff that comes w/ your own place,i just called this other low income place,and THEY ALLOW INDOOR CATS,but they are pretty dumpy,no a/c but she is faxing over application and man as long as i can have roxy and not have to hide it,i really dont mind a ghetto type place,it is still Maui

Shamrock
May 3rd, 2007, 05:59 PM
Roland's mom summed this up perfectly, Heidi.. this is an excellent guideline for all things in life.:thumbs up

No one should be expected to give up their friends, male or female for a relationship. That would unreasonable and controlling.
But an ex is "more" than a friend, its just a fact.
Lots of people feel somewhat "threatened" by exes..worries that might be real or imagined.

A friendly relationship with an ex is great. If there are children involved, this is vitally important to strive for,and exceptions must be made.

But if there are none, as in Heidis instance... and the relationship is causing problems.. time to re-assess your priorites, IMO.
Relationships involve some compromises.:shrug: Becoming secretive and elusive only adds to the strain..

To confide in and enlist the aid of your ex in solving current problems presents a valid level of exclusion for the one left out.:frustrated: A resentment of this to me seems a natural reaction. I know I would resent it...highly.
And with only side of the story being heard..you really have to wonder- how impartial is this going to be?

if a third party is needed to sort out relationship issues.. far better a counsellour or even a mutual friend.. where you can both be privvy to what's being said, both be heard ... and an objective ear is doing the listening.:rolleyes:

Good luck with finding a suitable place, Heidi!:goodvibes: You have come a very long way,are on the right track, and I wish you the best.

heidiho
May 3rd, 2007, 06:50 PM
I have thought maybe we need a third party,but see he doesnt want to not have his beers when he wants,and at this point so many things have been said that cant be taken back or forgotten,that there is nothing at this point that will change my mind about moving out,we want different things in life,and that is ok..Like the last 2 nights he has come home and was drinking before he came home,i dont know if he thinks i wont go through with this or what,but he better soon,.So the offfer where i work is 900.00 a month,his cat stays mainly upstairs,so i would have downstairs,but i jsut dont know.

jiorji
May 3rd, 2007, 06:52 PM
heidi I hope you get a place that has a flame tree near by. OMG!! those are my FAVORITE tropical trees when they bloom and it would be quite a sight waking up to :cloud9:

heidiho
May 3rd, 2007, 07:06 PM
Ok can you post a picture of one,dont know if i have seen one or not,so many different trees here

Kristin7
May 3rd, 2007, 07:11 PM
jiorji you crack me up! Flame trees are cool.

Heidiho, sorry, I may have missed this in other posts, but who broke up with whom in their past relationship? At least in my experience, I have to say, I have zero desire for anyone I have broken up with in the past, but can't say the same about those who have broken up with me. For a long time, I usually hope they will change their minds... That is just me though.

Also, I totally agree, he is not spending time working on things with you and instead is talking to her. His is putting his energy in the wrong place if he hopes things will work out with you. Problems don't get solved by not dealing with them! It is kind of wimpy and not a good way to go about solving problems, but not an uncommon way for people to deal with things, I suppose. It's not the easy path, to meet things head on. Counseling sounds like it could be worthwhile, though you seem to be more than ready to move on. I hope you get a good place for you and Roxy! Roommates can be ok, at least in a temporary situation until you can get in a better financial position.

rainbow
May 3rd, 2007, 07:18 PM
Ok can you post a picture of one,dont know if i have seen one or not,so many different trees here

http://www.lanerealty.com.au/picFlameTree.html

heidiho
May 3rd, 2007, 07:20 PM
He ended it 14 years ago,the short story on that is i just started using meth and was getting pretty messed up on it,so he really just wanted nothing to do with that,his art career with no fear and lifes a beach was just taking off,so i understood that.,but something about him just always styed w/ me i would fly there or he would fly to az and we woudl just have the best best times together and there never was another guy like that after.But it seems he stil lacts like he is 37 not 47 ,and by no means am i perfect,but i want to work on that to,and i need to do it alone,well w/ roxy by my side.

joeysmama
May 3rd, 2007, 09:28 PM
Heidi, I wish you all the best in this situation. You have to trust your instincts I think. I wouldn't be thrilled with phone calls to the ex under any circumstances, but when they're happening while you're arguing I would call that being unfaithful--emotionally at least.

I think the best thing is to keep your cool, wish him well and hope that you can remain friends. And then enjoy findin gthe person who deserves you and will give you all those carats YOU deserve.

Just from the little bit I know of you on the boards I can tell that you are strong--overcoming your addictions, and sweet the way you care for Roxy and the other kitties too. And you've been appreciative of Mark and bragged on his talent even when you know he isn't perfect--you still give him the benefit of the doubt.

I hope that the apartment issue works out better than you even hoped and that you find a guy who is strong and smart and handsome and fun and, what the heck--let's make him be rich too !!:goodvibes: :goodvibes:

heidiho
May 3rd, 2007, 09:50 PM
Joeysmama- You said it well, i dont think he thinks i will do this,he will be wrong,i just ordered and got this book called "Change your mind and your life will follow" it is perfect and i love reading it,anyone gets a chance it is a gid read,unless you do lead a perfect existence ,then you dont need to read it.Well i am off will let you know about studio i am going to look at.And oh yeah-RICH would really be great.Why not me,you know,and hell in Maui there is plenty of it..

jiorji
May 3rd, 2007, 11:05 PM
http://www.lanerealty.com.au/picFlameTree.html

no that's not it

THIS tree:cloud9:
http://www.flickr.com/photos/hojucandy/310255993/
http://www.flickr.com/photos/dinesh_valke/437668677/

jiorji
May 3rd, 2007, 11:12 PM
Heidi I found your future home :lovestruck: :D
http://www.flickr.com/photos/mlpa/173413393/

heidiho
May 4th, 2007, 02:44 PM
I love it,how perfect that would be,but damn i already bought this one.

heidiho
May 4th, 2007, 02:47 PM
and your all welcome

heidiho
May 4th, 2007, 02:52 PM
I can see it f german shepherds,5 cats and a hot husband and one son.Perfect dream

heidiho
May 4th, 2007, 02:57 PM
Do people really live like that!!!!!!!

heidiho
May 4th, 2007, 03:02 PM
well if i put 2,000,000 down at 5.6 % for 40 years my payment will only be 39,000 a month,.

jiorji
May 4th, 2007, 03:34 PM
ooohhhh those are niiiiiiiiiiiiiiice:cloud9:

heidiho
May 4th, 2007, 03:49 PM
That probably is the nicest house i have ever seen,and it is like a mile from where i live now..

heidiho
May 4th, 2007, 06:48 PM
Told you he wouldnt think i was serious,he comes home last night like at 11:00 after drinking w/boss.So this morning he mentions well you know (going to the bedroom) i am like are u kidding i am so far from that,and then i said something about getting my own place and he said "Well who knows you might just be living here"and i said mark i thought you might not think i was serious but i am ,what does he think he can just go drink every night and i am not gonna get more and more turned off.......God men can be dumb.......

Kristin7
May 4th, 2007, 07:00 PM
That house looks fake it is so elaborate!! If the owner is a single guy, I am willing to settle for being his second wife :laughing:

Maybe you should leave one night while he is out drinking... just kidding, probably not a good idea. It would have more impact if he is sober anyway.

chico2
May 5th, 2007, 08:09 AM
Heidi,there is one thing that is an absolute turn-off to me,something I could not live with and that's a drunk and unless Mark stops,there is no future with him.IMO
Never,ever argue with a drunken man,it could get violent,but I am sure you know that by now..
You are a beautiful young lady,the future is yours..once Mark realizes you are really leaving,you are brave enough to go out on your own,I am sure he'll be pleading and promising change,until the beer takes over again..:yell:

heidiho
May 7th, 2007, 04:36 PM
So i got a call back from someone about apt and she said nooo we dont accept pets,but if you want to go ahead and get rid of your pet the rent is blah blah i deleted message when i heard her say that so nonchanonlty(cant spell it)i found one i really really want it is 925.00 plus 50.00 a month for roxy,but then i look up at sign in there office and it says declawed only,so i talk to manager and tell him it is to cruel i wont do it,but i do trim her nails every 2 weeks and she only scratches on her condo (lie) so i convinced him to let us live there claws and all.It will be at least 2 months though cause deposit it what the rent is,975.00..Any ideas on how to keep a cat from scrathcing carpet or a patio screen,cause i actually think she might if we lived there,

RolandsMom
May 7th, 2007, 04:56 PM
that sounds wonderful Heidi!
as for scratching prevention, catnip!! lol i put it on Rolands scratch post and thats where he scratches, and rolls and purrs and goes a little crazy.
man, i need to find me one of those Maui bachelor boys with a house like that! holy cow! seriously. i would love to live there!

Bearsmom
May 7th, 2007, 05:27 PM
Any ideas on how to keep a cat from scrathcing carpet or a patio screen,cause i actually think she might if we lived there,

Cayenne pepper powder, they hate it.

heidiho
May 7th, 2007, 05:29 PM
Roxy knows not to scratch on couch,cause when i see her do it,she takes off,she does good w/scratching on condo ,and cardboard thing we have nailed to wall,also has NO interest in catnip at all.I just know when she sees a nice screen door,it is a sliding glass door,which we dont have in our place,she is gonna want to scratch it,and also we dont have carpet so i think she is also gonna like that,i guess worse comes to worse i have to pay something if i ever move out.And by they way it really can be done living here,i might have to get 1 more job three nights a week,cause it will be super tight making it on my own,but there aew no shortage of jobs here,like The Four Seasons is hiring at 17.00 a n hour front desk,they are jsut to far for me to drive,but the hotels here pay ok.

jiorji
May 7th, 2007, 06:26 PM
good news heidi!!

you know my cat didn't know about catnip either(she was a stray kitten too) until the second cat came along and showed her what to do with the catnip.

If you keep the nails trimmed they won't do damage if they scratch. I guess the apartment will come furnished? You can also try training her and squirt her with water everytime she attempts to scratch something.

good luck. Keep us posted how things go...I suspect things won't go easy when you finally walk out on Mark :sad:
:fingerscr for an easy move

heidiho
May 7th, 2007, 06:55 PM
I will remember the cayenne,oh how i wish i could move now,it is weird living there knowing that it is really over,but it will be at least a month before i can get deposit together,so i am thinking aug 1 is when i can move.

RolandsMom
May 7th, 2007, 08:39 PM
i have to say that i dont agree with using Cayenne. you know that stuff burns if it gets in your eyes, imagine how it would burn their eyes too. and its spicy! maybe try some orange essence on the screen or something like that. harmless and they hate the smell.

heidiho
May 7th, 2007, 08:50 PM
OMG How could i forget this,i listened to his messages last night and she left one sunday afternoon i could barley understand her,but i did catch,"hey mark i have had a couple of shots,i love you,i hope you find somebody"that was all i got.When i asked him the day before that maybe someday they can get back together he said no way she is a mess.So what do you think of that????Is he innocent or no?

RolandsMom
May 7th, 2007, 08:53 PM
wow. that almost sounds as if she wanted something and he said no.

Frenchy
May 7th, 2007, 08:58 PM
That's good news Heidiho, :highfive: if Roxy scratches your patio screen, they are easy to replace , you can do it yourself. The carpet....little more expensive to replace but if she is used to do it on her condo , you shouln't have too much problems.

heidiho
May 7th, 2007, 09:11 PM
Sounds like that to me to,she had a drinking and coke problem,(he knows how to pick em eh!!) meaning me to...But my thing is like i know he is not gonna tell me that she left that message and i know i should not be listening to them,but wouldnt that bother anyone here,hearing a message like that and your man not telling you??

RolandsMom
May 7th, 2007, 09:25 PM
maybe he didnt tell you cause he knows of your insecure feelings about her. i dont know. and i guess if you still live there then the phone messages are not private. maybe he didnt tell you because it is of no consequence. he seems to not want to be with her. maybe she has the issues and he is trying to let her down gently. Its tough when we dont know him.

chico2
May 8th, 2007, 08:28 AM
I agree about the Cayenne-pepper,not something you would want in your kitties eyes,also I can't see my couches sprinkled with it,probably would do more damage..
Door-Screens are easy to replace,I have done it myself several times,because of feisty Squirrels and Raccoons:laughing:

rainbow
May 8th, 2007, 01:51 PM
Was the message you listened to on your land-line phone that you both use or on his personal cell phone?

heidiho
May 8th, 2007, 03:26 PM
I thought about that,and if she did ruin screen door i could replace,but if she does the carpet that will be a problem,even thought of taking tape and putting it around the whole outer parts of the carpet where she would most likely scratch.And it is his cell phone..I know that it is wrong.

Bearsmom
May 8th, 2007, 05:33 PM
i have to say that i dont agree with using Cayenne. you know that stuff burns if it gets in your eyes, imagine how it would burn their eyes too. and its spicy! maybe try some orange essence on the screen or something like that. harmless and they hate the smell.

She asked for suggestions, I gave her one.

RolandsMom
May 8th, 2007, 06:08 PM
sorry Bearsmom. i wasnt saying dont, i was just saying i wouldnt. personal opinion not an attack.
And Heidi, yes i guess that was not exactly the right thing to do. how are you doing today?

heidiho
May 8th, 2007, 06:25 PM
I am ok,really nothing more i can do but wait to see if i can get in a low income apt,also gonna go tonight fill out application for a job at a place Sand People kids,all beach type stuff for kids,worj maybe 3 nights a week so i can afford a regular apt,really want the one for 975.00 a month.So gonna try and make it as peaceful as i can while we are still living together you know.

RolandsMom
May 8th, 2007, 06:28 PM
sure. it has to be tough. im really sorry you are having such hard time. if i was on that beutiful island id come over with a great bit chocolate cake and some yummy chai tea. its all good for you.

CyberKitten
May 8th, 2007, 07:12 PM
I just saw this thread now and I am so sorry you are having robs Heidi!! I agree with the others who said it is a good move, pun intended!!! And the fact he called his ex while drinking - or even if he was not is just an indication to me he is mean and calculating and not a nice person and he does not deserve you!!!

I hope you are able to find a nice place for you and Roxy! I know less than next to nothing about real estate in Hawaii so I can't offer any advice there. If you now anyone or have friends who work for newspapers, you might ask them to check the Apt (in Classified) before they hit the street - that way you can get a heads up. When I worked as a student at a newspaper - I often did that for my friends. (We had other papers elsewhere so there was always a way to find out if apts were available.) I once did it for a new Director of the Art Gallery and she used to give me free passes from then on so that worked out really well - I guess she like the place, lol It was a for sale Condo actually). But that is one route you might think of. Even if you don't know anyone, call someone in classified and tell them you are desperate.
Alas, I know no one in newspapers there - just medicine, lol (and even then they are more acquaintances than friends) Several of our nurses have moved there and back - they liked it for awhile but always wanted to return to the Maritimes. It was sort of an adventure I think.

Good luck!!!!! Wish I could o more to help!! But I will think good thoughts!

heidiho
May 8th, 2007, 07:15 PM
God that would be great,it is hard because i have no where else to really hang out besides home,havent met any girlfriends that i really click w/ here.But he does now know it is what we both need so maybe it might go smoother.

jiorji
May 8th, 2007, 07:25 PM
i think you should make a rule now that neither of you should bring people home until you move out. Cos THAT would be awkward:o

heidiho
May 8th, 2007, 07:38 PM
I already made that one clear a few days ago,if we meet anyone we DO NOT bring them to our home,no way no how............He agreed w/ that to.....

Kristin7
May 9th, 2007, 12:31 PM
Heidi-I see you mentioned below you clip Roxy's nails... if you do this, she won't be able to damage things as much, at least, if you keep up with it. I haven't had any cats damage my carpet ever, even when I didn't clip their nails. I think they would have to do some pretty intense scratching over a period of time to hurt carpeting... also depends on the kind of carpet and quality. Screens are easily replaced, as was mentioned already, so don't worry too much about that.

Good luck w/ the job hunt/apt! :fingerscr I agree w/ Roland's mom about the phone message, at least from that small part you managed to hear, doesn't sound like your man is interested in her that way. If I were him, I probably wouldn't have told you about her leaving that message either. Seems sort of harmless and would only stir up the pot more, but that's just me, and don't know the situation very well. Perhaps he is just wanting some female attention and knows she will give it to him, not sure. Or he could be wanting a female perspective on his relationship problems. Sometimes it helps to bounce things off others...

heidiho
May 9th, 2007, 03:42 PM
you could be so right about the wanting female attention,because i have no interest at all in giving him any,i look at him and think gee he is so hot,but i just dont see him in that way at this point,i now just feel like being friends w/ no physical stuff.So sad..I feel really bad but it is what it is.

heidiho
May 17th, 2007, 02:45 PM
I hate my life,the fighting is just non stop,only seems to happen when he drinks and had another fight last night,and if i hear one more time"Get your own place and get of of mine"i think i might shoot him.I got a letter from these low income apts,they are the one i really really like,very clean,BUT they are the ones that do not accept pets..The letter said they reviewed application it was approved and i am now on waiting list..ANYONE ANYONE have any ideas how i can get around having roxy there???Go to shrink or family doctor and get a letter saying i have her for medical reasons(anxiety ) the apts are so cheap,so clean,and have air conditioning,which is hard to find here...I just feel like i dont know where to start,i have bills i have to pay at marks,so it is just impossible to save,i have nothing.And am losing it inside my own mind that it will take awhile before i can get out of there.Whoever said money cant buy happiness was very very wrong.

Prin
May 17th, 2007, 02:58 PM
:grouphug: :grouphug: I have no idea, but I thought you needed some hugs. :o

heidiho
May 17th, 2007, 03:03 PM
Omg Just Had Another Fight On Phone Right Now,i Hate Him And I Want To Screammmm......i Cannot Handle Seeing His Sorry Ass Anymore,so Confused.............thanks For Hugs.

phoenix
May 17th, 2007, 03:08 PM
Hi Heidi,
I tried to see if it is legal there to evict a tenant due to a pet... because here in Ontario it isn't... but I couldn't find any info on that for Hawaii.

I did find this: http://www.hawaiianhumane.org/programs/petshousing/index.asp
Seemed to have some helpful ideas, maybe about how you might convince them or find a different place.

Good luck.:fingerscr

heidiho
May 17th, 2007, 03:32 PM
Thank you,i am gonna call them and tell them i can provide a medical reason for having her,i have doctors appt the 28 to discuss with doctor,on the application it said NO PETS,my question really is legally if i have something from doctor can they still say no??It did say on application something about service pets,but i dont think it would fall in that category,i guess i should call a lawyer,but doubt they are gonna give me free info..

heidiho
May 17th, 2007, 03:48 PM
Well my boss says i shouldnt say anything,just move in,whenever that may be,and until or if they ever find out then take it from there....I am so confused,..

chico2
May 17th, 2007, 04:44 PM
Heidi,I think I would do the same,move in with Roxy,she's not going to be outdoors and unlike a dog,she will not bark..
There is no way you could leave her with Mark,cats are usually afraid of drunks,they know something is wrong.
Good luck Heidi,I am really sorry it ended up this way:sad:
As for money can't buy you happiness,it was said by a very unhappy rich person:)

heidiho
May 17th, 2007, 04:46 PM
Pets are NOT allowed in state public housing units. Service animals for the elderly and/or disabled are exempt. See your project manager for information on service animals.

heidiho
May 17th, 2007, 04:48 PM
That is the law,so i am thinking my medical reason wont fly??Any thoughts!!

joeysmama
May 17th, 2007, 06:12 PM
I think if you try to get her in on a medical reason they will say no and then they'll be watching to see if you have a cat. I wouldn't say anything and just slip her in when no one is looking. Unless the management has a reason to come in your apt they won't know she's there. And once you're in and they see that you're a good tenant they would be more likely to look the other way if they find out about her.

I am praying for you to be able to get out of there and soon !! Try to stay calm and know that we're all here when you need to vent !

:grouphug:

heidiho
May 17th, 2007, 06:43 PM
Boss said the same thing they see i have a pet my application will get tossed or put at bottom of list,i just didnt want to live with that hanging over me,my concern is if i do that this place has windows that she can reach and sit in!!! Or when they do the pest control spray every few months,.I know if i know they are coming i could take her to marks,but sh** she has 2 kitty condos and one is pretty big,guess i will just have to move those to to his place when they spray,but the window thing poses a problem.

heidiho
May 17th, 2007, 06:45 PM
Oh there is no way i am moving anywhere without her,she is MY girl,mark loves her to,but he knows she is going where ever i go.

Lukka'sma
May 17th, 2007, 09:35 PM
Heidi have you looked in the classified's to see if you can room with another tenant somewhere. Split the rent for now just to get you out of your current situation and work at getting something to call home from there. It may not be ideal but it sure would be better than the constant battle you face now.
If that isn't an option how about moving into a home and working as a companion for an elderly person or a childminder for working couple. Once again it may not be the best answer but will get you away from Mark. You could always get another job in the service industry sometime down the road. These would all be short term answers that could buy you some peace of mind until you establish yourself a bit more on your own.
At any rate, I wish you the best

chico2
May 18th, 2007, 07:48 AM
Heidi,telling it like you do,with bug-spraying,not sitting in the window etc..maybe it would be too stressful for both you and Roxy,the cat-trees would of course be a giveaway and you cannot keep lugging that big thing out of the apt.
I hope you find another alternative:pray:

joeysmama
May 18th, 2007, 09:09 AM
I don't know what it's like there but around here working moms are so thrilled to get reliable child care that they would be MORE than happy to welcome Roxy. Can you look for a live in situation? I don't know if that even anything you would be interested in doing but if it is that could be a solution to getting out of your current situation and also work for Roxy.

And the other thing is to network network network. There might be someone who is looking for a roommate or an older person who is willing to rent a room so that there's another person in the house. Ask everyone you know, people you meet etc.

heidiho
May 18th, 2007, 03:27 PM
The girl i babysat for that lives here where i work,her boyfriend also lives here and said for 900.00 a month i could live there,BUT,he has a cat,they have a odd relationship,and i really dont want the drama.There are rooms you can rent here,but moving in with strangers is just not for me,and most of them you have to share a bathroom..My options really are.1-wait til i am up on the list for low income place(only like 600.00 a month)and keep roxy hidden.2-get a second job 4 nights a week,get the other place for 975.00 a month,where you are allowed one cat.I just hate hate the idea of working 2 jobs,but i am thinking that is what i am gonna have to do,so i can have her w/me..All other places that allow pets run about 1200-1700 a month and i cannot afford that.The place where i can have roxy has NO air conditioning,which really sucks cause it gets hot here.I am so bummed that the other place does not allow pets cause it is perfect.

Kristin7
May 18th, 2007, 06:31 PM
I'm so sorry to hear about all the fighting and apartment/cat problem! :grouphug: I hope you find some place soon! Have you tried looking on craigslist?

http://honolulu.craigslist.org/mau/

joeysmama
May 18th, 2007, 06:53 PM
Is there some way you can discreetly ask about cats at the no pets place? Our first apartment was officially a no pets complex but a lot of people had cats and they knew it.

Want me to call them for you? I'll pretend I'm looking for a place for my brother or something so they wouldn't think it was you. (I did a lot of acting in college.;) ) Maybe when asked they might say that they look the other way.:shrug:

heidiho
May 18th, 2007, 06:54 PM
Well i took a look and the ones that i could maybe afford are on the other side of the island,i just cant live that far from work,i need to be close enough that i could ride bike if ever needed,i live in west maui,and it is probably the most expensive part of maui to live on,besides Wailea,i think i am just gonna suck it up and work 2 jobs,really no other options,i only bring home a little under 2000 a month,so if you do the math on that,i am gonna NEED 2 jobs,sucks but it is the ony way i can get a place and keep roxy.

marsupial mama
May 18th, 2007, 07:59 PM
don't have any answers :sad: But here in Ontario a lot of rental places that say "no pets" look the other way too. Or if there are restrictions on numbers or types of pets someone always breaks the rules and gets away with it. So if your Roxy poses no problems and doesn;t cause a nuisance (unlikely, if she is an indoor kitty) then hoepfully you might get away with it... I have an impression of Hawai'i as a laid back kind of place, I hope I am right.

anyways, just wanted to wish you GOOD LUCK and hope you find a comfortable and affordable home for you and Roxy ASAP.

heidiho
May 18th, 2007, 08:19 PM
These are state funded apts though,dont know if that makes a difference or not,i cant tell you how perfect it would be money wise and location and a/c......I really am thinking of just hiding her when one comes open

Lukka'sma
May 23rd, 2007, 04:11 PM
heidi how was your weekend? Any luck finding accommodation? Must be terrible being home together and not communicating other than in loud voices. Weekends must be very stressful when you don't have work to escape to and not knowing too many people there.

heidiho
May 23rd, 2007, 04:24 PM
It is beyond hard,we get along for a day,then fight,and right now we are fighting he is getting mad because this isnt how he wanted to be living in maui and he says we really need to seperate,WELL that makes me feel very nervous,because he knows i know this,and am looking for a place,but with paying the bills i pay there and living i have no money to put aside for a place,and he knows this,.but yet keeps letting me know i need to get a place,i tell him i am doing my best..This just sucks.....Someone here gave me a list of all pet friendly places,but they either are 3000.00 a month or vacation rentals..I am filling out job apps today after work,just gonna have to work 2 jobs and be doen with it..

Lukka'sma
May 23rd, 2007, 05:08 PM
So sorry. Wish I had a magic formula that would put an end to your problems getting an appartment. Think of you often and hope you get some kind of living space to call your own soon. Must flip Roxy out to hear the yelling too!!

heidiho
May 23rd, 2007, 05:12 PM
Thank you,i will find something,i have to,found a couple on craigslist emailed them,waiting to here back.Yeah i dont think roxy cares for it,actually when i think about it,i have no idea where she goes when we fight,i never see her when we do,probably under the bed,one of her favorite spots.She is the only thing keeping me sane right now.

chico2
May 23rd, 2007, 05:15 PM
Heidi,sorry to read all this.
Mark is not beeing very mature,after all,he is the one who offered you help and to come and live on Maui,he should now help you get a place of your own,or does he expect you to to live on the street:sad:
Hawaii is one of the most expensive places to live and he should understand that...after all,he is no teenager:frustrated:
and in the middle is little Roxy,I am sure she senses the tension,whatever you do,please don't leave her with him,he might love her,but once the alcohol takes over,things are scary for a little cat...
You be very careful too,try to avoid arguing if possible,you could get hurt:sad:

heidiho
May 23rd, 2007, 05:33 PM
I can promise you that,i will not move anywhere without Roxy,i couldnt bear that,going through all that w/damien was the most heartbreaking thing ever,every day when i come home and i hear her crying on the other side of the door,til i walk in,is priceless,i will do what i have to do to get us a place.I am by no means defending mark,but he would never hit me or ever touch roxy,he really is a good guy,i know i paint him out to be this raging drunk,which he does get drunk and rage,but,well, there is another side of story i would rather not mention,so he does have his right to be mad,but i agree w/ you that we are adults he knows i have no money and HELLO we live in Maui,the most expensive island here.So as far as him reminding me i need a place ,he needs to stop,i know it,he knows it.And it is making me feel insecure and like i am a loser who has nothing.

Frenchy
May 23rd, 2007, 08:41 PM
And it is making me feel insecure and like i am a loser who has nothing.

no no no , you have a job and you have Roxy, the rest will come with time , don't you worry ! hey, you are gutsy enough to move to Maui and stay there after the break up , that should mean something :thumbs up

heidiho
May 23rd, 2007, 08:47 PM
You know Frenchy,you just always know what to say,because i am trying to look at it that way also,i do feel alot of people never take chances or do anything crazy,and i have no regrets about anything i have done,and do think it is pretty cool i wound up in Maui,then the other part of my mind thinks,God heidi when will you learn your lesson about following your heart and always winding up with nothing(home,furniture,etc)here i am again helpless because i thought i found THE ONE again.But what is that saying " A lesson is repeated until learned"...I mean i am 37 and have not one dish,you know that is the part that makes me feel like a loser.

Frenchy
May 23rd, 2007, 08:51 PM
A looser because you don't have dishes ? Heck you can have mine , I don't cook anyway :D But those are only materiel stuff, it doesn't count. Do they have garage sales in Maui ? You could get some stuff there. Little by little. And here's what I want you to do , when you feel down , scream this at the top of your lungs ; I'M A WOMAN , HEAR ME ROAR ! :laughing:

heidiho
May 23rd, 2007, 09:28 PM
I know i dont cook either:laughing: ,but you know what i mean,ok i dont even own a pillow,oh wait i did buy those,i dont own a bed...I have to make it,i love it here and arizona is NOT an option..So i guess i will just keep on keepin on(Matthew Mccanay) however you spell it.Get busy living or get busy dying(Matthew mcc)

Frenchy
May 23rd, 2007, 09:35 PM
About that Matthew, he's a good exemple, just sold his house and now lives in his trailer and it's by choice ! See, money isn't everything :shrug:

heidiho
May 23rd, 2007, 09:41 PM
I love love love him,his attitude,his laid back style,and the fact that he does live in an airstream on the beach is pretty sexy to,but then i saw he is doing a movie called Surfer dude,and was wondering if that is the reason he is living there,that would suck..

Frenchy
May 23rd, 2007, 09:48 PM
He could stay in the best hotel , but he's not. He's a cool dude :thumbs up

heidiho
May 23rd, 2007, 09:50 PM
AHH!!Very good point,yeah i dont know him,but from everything i have seen or heard,i love him,okay time to go,great lets see what tonight brings.

chico2
May 24th, 2007, 07:58 AM
Heidi,you are NOT a loser,look what you have overcome,look at the pics from Arizona,where you could easily have died,you have climbed a mountain:thumbs up
You are a 37yr old beautiful girl,with drive and determimation you'll make it:fingerscr

Skryker
May 24th, 2007, 10:33 AM
:grouphug: heidi! I can't say how much I admire your courage and determination. You got away from something that ends people and then still had the guts to pick up and move to follow your heart, to take a risk that would send most people running for cover. So what if you don't have many material possessions? That will come in time.

I'm sure that you will find a place soon. Roxy won't mind if you only have a couple of plates, after all! And you'll be able to make all the decisions in your new place, no arguments or anything. Hang in there, girl, a little thing like a break-up won't hold you back for long!:highfive: :goodvibes:

Prin
May 24th, 2007, 01:19 PM
So what if you don't have many material possessions? That will come in time.I agree. And even if you did have stuff, it would likely remind you of things you don't want to be reminded of anyway.:o

:grouphug:

RolandsMom
May 24th, 2007, 04:26 PM
Heidi you have been on my mind too. I really hope that some of those places you have emailed work out!
dont ever feel like a loser cause things dont work out. I believe that following your heart is a terribly brave thing to do and i dont believe that we lose by doing it. every relationship that doesnt work, something is gained. whether its what we learn about ourselves or what we learn we dont want from others. it all adds to who we become. and i dont believe we ever stop becoming more.
you are being incredibly strong and courageous staying out there when the easy thing would be to fall back into your safe space (which i gather would be a very bad idea).
give yourself some credit. dont forget where you have come from and where you are. that in itself should show you just how strong you are, and help you find that same strenth that you, without a shadow of a doubt, have in you.
and yes, i love the I AM WOMAN, HEAR ME ROAR! thing. you have a lot of ocean and beach out there. go and shout it to the moon!

heidiho
May 24th, 2007, 04:49 PM
Thanks for all the nice words,and it is time i stop thinking about what i dont have and look at where i am now from a year and a half ago,my deathbed,i have had all that stuff before and will have again.And even if me and mark cant somehow work out our issues,it is still a great story and the best thing is Roxy,it is like she was meant for us.So yeah no more feeling sorry for myself,i am in maui for godsake,i need to learn to chill like the locals.

Lukka'sma
May 24th, 2007, 04:58 PM
Are you and Mark working on coming to an understanding Heidi? Sounds like talks might be on the horizon. If so I hope he offers and provides you with the life you deserve.

heidiho
May 24th, 2007, 05:31 PM
Okay,it is time to disappoint everyone,i pm one person here w/ the whole story because besides my parents and mark i had to come clean,because well it was killing me that i was making him out to be the total bad guy.And i didnt write it here because i couldnt handle how everyone would think of me,weird huh cause we dont even know each other,but anyway,i relapsed about 6 months ago and didnt tell mark til a few weeks ago,my parents about died,and i just didnt want to let down anyone else.So i was lying to mark for about well 6 months,and well he is having a hard time getting over that the whole time i was lying and using,vicodin and adderrall,it became so easy to get that i just couldnt stop,so finally i told mark because i wanted to stop,well he didnt take it so well(side note- when we dated 14 years ago that was the first time i got hooked on meth and that is why it ended the last trip i took to see him in california i was hi as a kite and he wanted no part of it) so i started trying to turn it around and make it like he was the one with a problem,and it sucks because he really is a great guy,he has his faults,but basically i felt like such a loser i wanted to bring him down to.,I have about ruined what was the perfect everything i have ever dreamed for,and it is hard to grasp.So that is why i didnt say anything here,because everyone was so proud and stuff i just couldnt bring myself to come clean,sorry.

heidiho
May 24th, 2007, 05:40 PM
I have to say.If you have never had an addiction you could never in this lifetime grasp what it does to you ,and the self hatred you get for yourself,you are constantly in turmoil in your own head,because part of you says just stop,but the other part of your mind is just not gonna let you,i have read,studied,watched dvds on addiction because i want to learn as much as i can about this because it is a horrible horrible horrible monster that WILL NOT let you go once it gets you back.And i wish there was someone here that could fully relate,i believe after watching Addiction on hbo that it is a disease of the brain,it has to be because you just cant stop once you relapse even as everything is falling apart................

mummummum
May 24th, 2007, 06:03 PM
Admitting it is the first step Heidi ~ it takes great courage. EVEN to a group of friends and strangers on the internet. Give yourself a hug for all of us who by the way ~ do care.

Is there no NA or even an AA group you can get to ? In my mind reading books and watching video's isn't enough support. Sharing life experiences firsthand from others is the best means to learn how to live your life in recovery. :grouphug:

heidiho
May 24th, 2007, 06:25 PM
There is na here,i just havent went and i looked into methadone treatment,because nothing else seems to work,and i saw on hbo how that is the one with the best results.But you had to go every morning for the first 30 days for your doseage and it was 500.00 ,well i cant not work so i couldnt do it,i stopped the vics,but still have adderall and at this point i figure if it is gonna be over why stop.,and try as i might i cant throw bottle away.and god knows i am trying.,but that other half just cant bring myself to do it.

Frenchy
May 24th, 2007, 08:26 PM
I'm so sorry Heidiho , but you should have told us, who knows ? Maybe we could have help a bit ? So that adderall you're still on (sorry, never heard of it) pills ? Is it hard to get off those ?

heidiho
May 24th, 2007, 08:48 PM
They are for add,they are an amphetamine.Sick i know................

Skryker
May 24th, 2007, 08:54 PM
:grouphug: Heidi. What I said earlier still stands. I have nothing but respect and admiration for you. And now, coming clean to a bunch of strangers on the Net-that's another huge brave thing you're doing. To me, it shows that you want to stop again. :grouphug:

Earlier I was going to post some stuff about my hubby but I needed to make sure it was OK with him first. You were talking about feeling like a loser and I wanted to relate his experiences.

He had a rotten childhood and got into drugs as a teenager. His big one was PCB (angel dust), because it made him feel invincible. When he used it, nothing could touch him and nothing hurt. Long story short, he quit (after doing serious damage to his body) but he ended up leaving high school to get away from everything that was familiar about the drugs. That was the only way he could see to make it, and even without all the people and surroundings, it was a near thing. He came close to relapsing quite a few times.

This is what I wanted to relate-he still, almost 20 years later, wakes up some days feeling like a loser. Even though we have a house and now a business, he's got a teenaged daughter who lives here with us, he's got a decent job that he's held for over 10 years, we've been together for 10 years-some days the old demons come back. And when the stress level is high, part of him still wants the drugs because it's the easiest way to make the pain stop. The lure of feeling invincible for just awhile is there. Most of the time, it's fairly easy for him to ignore. Some days, we talk it through because he finds it much easier to deal with by acknowledging it and confronting it head on, rather than ignoring the cravings. I'm telling you this not to discourage you at all, but to point out that you can get back on track and stay on track, no matter how hopeless it might seem sometimes.

You're right, it's something in the brain chemistry. Addiction is not a moral failing at all. You are not a bad person because you relapsed. You are dealing with an illness and you are entitled to all the compassion and care you would get for any other disease. The other thing to remember is that it's never just about the drugs. If you never deal with why you started using and kept using, it's harder to stay off the drugs. My husband found it much easier to stay clean after he confronted his mother about the miserable childhood he had. It was like opening an old infected wound; once the poison was let out, he was able to heal cleaner than before.

He's reading over my shoulder now, and just wanted to add "It's a hell of a road, but you can walk it. Don't hide from what you are or what you were. Focus on what you don't want to be. And from what I've heard, you've got courage to spare. Don't let the fear of what you might become stop you from being what you can be. "

Did I mention he's a wise man?

:goodvibes: Good luck, Heidi, and please don't stay away from this site because you think people might be disappointed in you. It's not the case at all. We might just be words on a screen, but we're here for you.

Frenchy
May 24th, 2007, 09:05 PM
If you never deal with why you started using and kept using, it's harder to stay off the drugs. My husband found it much easier to stay clean after he confronted his mother about the miserable childhood he had. It was like opening an old infected wound; once the poison was let out, he was able to heal cleaner than before.



That's exactly what I wanted to say ! It's something deep down , you have to figure it out and deal with it, you will feel much "lighter" and this will help you getting off these things.

heidiho
May 24th, 2007, 09:06 PM
Wow,that was pretty awesome of you to share,and THANK GOD,someone can relate,cause like you said it is a disease,i believe that 100 % without a doubt,no one would intentionally lose their job,family,basically everything intentionally,.Everything they say in na is true.One is two many a thousand are never enough,.and that is where i am at now,it is just insane i have barely eaten,slept and i am still friggin lying to mark,if he finds out i am done ,he will not forgive...I am sitting here w/ the botttle in the drawer feeling the way i do and i swear i am going insane in my own mind,because I WANT TO TOSS EM,but the addict in me thinks ok just dont take as many and you wiull be fine.,and any addict knows it just doesnt work that way,i mean i feel horrible,will lose mark,and i cant figure out whj the hell i would still take em,I HONESTLY DONT EVEN LIKE THEM,i just started doing them cause i would run out of vicodin and then i read somewhere people take them to lose weight,so i read about add,went to shrink,fooled a damn shrink and you dont even want to know how many he gives me....ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!! This is just madnesssssssss

TeriM
May 24th, 2007, 09:14 PM
Just wanted to send you some supportive vibes and good luck :goodvibes: :fingerscr :goodvibes: . I have every hope that you can beat this and have a wonderful, happy life with Roxy and the future man of your dreams :thumbs up .

heidiho
May 24th, 2007, 09:15 PM
Well when it comes to that,i loved my childhood,the only issues i had were my parents to this day have always struggled $$ wise,and i am always constantly worried about things that havent even happend,BUT COULD,so i better worry about them..I think i just started hanging out with the wrong type of people when i was young..But mark said the other day(which killed me cause it was dead on)that no matter what i have i am never happy i always want more,i cant tell you how many people have told me that,and so true it is.I have no idea how to LIVE IN THE MOMENT,because i am afraid if i let myself really truly be happy,that is when something is gonna happen,and i will be like ' see i knew it" i do have issues with allowing myself to be happy, because i kind of i guess think i dont desrve to be,and also i think isnt it unfair for me to be happy when there are so many horrible things happening in this world,who am i to be happy.Does that make any sense???????

TeriM
May 24th, 2007, 09:23 PM
Yup it makes sense. But think of it this way ... if there were no happiness or positive people in this world then just imagine how much worse it would be for everyone. Maybe you try to make a "grateful" journal. Every day write down the stuff that you are grateful for. It may make you realize how much you have to live for!

Frenchy
May 24th, 2007, 09:25 PM
I was a bit like that when I was younger, always worrying about something. But I've learn to look , not where the grass is greener, but the other side. I always think about people who have less than me. And then I feel pretty lucky, I also give myself lots of pat on the back, for everything I've done / overcome, by myslef. And 3 years ago , I lost a very very good friend to cancer. This friend was a saint, very positive, very loving with everyone. Still , he died of cancer. It gave me a kick in the butt, what am I worried about, I'm still alive and that all I need to focus on, because you never know what tomorrow may bring.

Frenchy
May 24th, 2007, 09:26 PM
Maybe you try to make a "grateful" journal. Every day write down the stuff that you are grateful for. It may make you realize how much you have to live for!

That's a great idea !

heidiho
May 24th, 2007, 09:35 PM
See thats the problem,when i start thinking wow i got everything i always said i wanted and people would laugh at me,i got back with the guy that 14 years ago i was in love with,i moved to island like i always used to joke about at work,i have roxy,he bought the condo i wanted,but then i look at what the people have where i work and think ok i want to live in these condos,and shouldnt i be doing a job that is more like a career,doesnt that make me i dont know,less better then them.I cant even describe to you how i was when i first moved here,i lived in the moment,i couldnt have been happier,everything was just perfect.I didnt want more i had mark and the island and didnt care where we lived or what we had,and i think god where did that heidi go and WHY THE F*** is this negative,never happy,pill popping heidi back......

TeriM
May 24th, 2007, 09:39 PM
Is it possible that you knew that Mark was not the man you wanted to spend your life with and that by taking the pills you were deliberately sabatoging the relationship?

heidiho
May 24th, 2007, 09:45 PM
Honestly no,he is the man i wanted and want,it just took that one pill to start a chain of events that would lead my whole focusof my life now on the pills and getting them,and i put mark on the back burner,.All of our problems started when i started the pills again,yeah we fight over stupid crap around the house,but once i full on was into relapse that was all that mattered,the pills,and without them i just couldnt see the beauty with everything liek when i first got here.I have to go now,god this sucks,and sucks bad.....................I dont understand why they are not in the trash right now............

Frenchy
May 24th, 2007, 09:54 PM
I dont understand why they are not in the trash right now............

It's not too late :goodvibes:

TeriM
May 24th, 2007, 09:55 PM
Good luck heidi, be strong, you can beat this. Be honest with Mark and tell him how you feel, maybe he is willing to work on this together.

Skryker
May 24th, 2007, 10:06 PM
:grouphug: Hang in there, heidi. Start with not taking any of those pills. Then work up to getting rid of them. Baby steps. You can do it. And tell the doctor who prescribed them to you what is really going on, so it isn't so easy to get more.

As for the childhood, that was what it was for my husband. What you are describing about worrying and not being able to be happy sounds like some of the anxiety related illnesses. I had a fantastic childhood myself, the only thing that was missing was the pony-but 5 years ago I was in such bad shape, I literally couldn't leave my house because of panic attacks and worrying over everything. Like the addiction, excessive worry and anxiety are somewhat genetic and programmed into your brain. But you can learn to change your thinking patterns and stop the worrying and catastrophizing, you can learn to look on the bright side and appreciate what you have. Same rules apply, first thing is to stop being hard on yourself. It's hard and hurtful to be your own worst critic and to feel like everyone else is judging you as harshly as you judge yourself. Perhaps that is the pain that you use the pills to numb.

Maybe nothing is ever simple, but I firmly believe 99% of the obstacles we face can be beaten. You have to see the little steps that go into overcoming the barriers. And it doesn't happen overnight.

:grouphug: :goodvibes: :grouphug:

chico2
May 25th, 2007, 08:16 AM
Heidi,reading all your posts,you answered what I feared:sad:
I can understand Marks feelings,it is very difficult to see someone you love destroy him/herself,feeling helpless in your inability to help.
One of my sons,was/is addicted to gambling,not a killer per say,but one that nearly drove him to suicide.
He lost everything,but eventually was able to climb out of that hell-hole,with a little help.
I don't know enough about drug-addiction,but I believe trying to struggle alone in an empty apartement,with only Roxy for support,might not be the way.
If Mark is the man you love and he loves you,maybe there is still hope he can once again help you and give you enough motivation to throw that bottle of pills in the garbage.
I know how hopeless it can feel trying to help to no avail,how you as a supporter,often feel like giving up,but I believe you need loving support,to end this once for all.
Not everyone has the strenght to do it on his/her own....still I :pray: for you and Roxy:cat:

Maya
May 25th, 2007, 12:13 PM
I think addiction is really complicated and actually becomes a health issue more than anything so please DO NOT think badly of yourself for it. The self hatred or ridicule in itself ends up driving us even more to find relief. Often there is a chronic pain somewhere either physical or mental and using something to self medicate is actually quite normal. Mark really should be supportive and loving not critical. I know you mention you didn't have a bad childhood but sometimes things like extreme financial stress or a sexual assault that you took the blame for at one time could be at the heart of an addiction. Just a suggestion but don't discount what you've been through and take all the heat because there may be more to it. We need to find a lot of compassion for ourselves to get to a point where we don't harm ourselves. Try not to think of it as defeat, realize that you ARE still doing well. Be gentle with yourself above all.:grouphug: I'm still struggling too so please don't feel alone in this.

papillonmama
May 25th, 2007, 02:11 PM
I'm so sorry to hear of your situation Heidi. :( I'm especially sorry to hear of your recent relapse.

My husband and I haven't been living together for a while now, well, a long while, we are still in love and we are still together, but, some people just shouldn't live together, we have different parenting styles and it was just not possible for us at the time.

Honestly, it's the best thing that we could have done for our relationship at the time, we'll live together again, but in my opinion, which I've expressed to him, we should wait until our kids are a little older. It was the best thing for the kids too. Anywaay... I just want you to know that sometime time apart is better for everyone.

His drinking could also be a trigger, it's very hard being a recovering addict watching someone tie-one-on. And, I hate to say it, but relationships are addictive too. In the begining you feel the same kind of high of love, then the rush wears off and you're left with the groggy effects of reality. I suggested before that you should try spending time for yourself, making yourself feel good about you, now would be a great time, think about the things that are important to you and the things that you truly enjoy and love, and try surrounding yourself with positive people. Get out into the community, keeping busy can help, and it can also help you feel good about what you're doing, and it can also be very fullfilling, is there an animal shelter you could volunteer with? Or maybe you could volunteer your time to talk with other addicts.

You got through this before, and you can get through this again, you just need to want to, and follow through. I know you can do it Heidi.

Take care.
Star

Kristin7
May 25th, 2007, 03:10 PM
Heidiho,

So sorry to hear of your struggles! Have you tried getting into a program to help you quit, or counseling? You did it before and you can do it again. I'm no authority, but I have known others who relapsed and recovered multiple times. Anyone who can quit at all for any amount of time has my utmost respect as I'm sure it is not easy!! I had to jump in here because I can totally relate to papillonmamas comments, especially the parts about watching others drink and such while you are recovering, and that relationships can be addictive. I don't have much advice but can relate my experience w/ the latter. I really dont' think I have much of an addictive personality, but the relationship with my ex, while we were dating, I often compared to a bad addiction. I knew he was bad for me but could not leave him. I would try, we broke up about a million times, argued constantly. He would get jealous of others and I felt myself being cut off from friends and didn't care, or rather, couldn't do anything about it. I became quite depressed and unhappy but still could not break it off. To me the thought of losing him felt like the end of the world. My rock bottom moment involved an incident with my dog and my family and I finally convinced myself he really just did not care about me and never would, even though he denied it. I had loved him so much for so long but had to break it off to save myself. I still feel pretty crazy but am happier and have a lot more energy then when we were together. However, I still love him and part of me still wishes we were together! I really hate that. I dream about him and feel sick if I let myself imagine him with anyone else. We don't talk but I have to see him at work every day. I keep telling myself he is bad for me... it helps to constantly remind myself about all the bad stuff. If he begged for me back I am not sure I could resist, but so far that has not happened.

I wish all the best for you and strength to get you through this!!!

:grouphug: :grouphug:

heidiho
May 25th, 2007, 03:53 PM
Let me first say that you all need to know that Roxy is well taken care of and spoiled and all that good stuff,by both of us...And i dont know who said about me living alone being a bad idea.Well you are very accurate with that,because the reason i was wanting my own place is so i could do my pills and not have to hide it from anyone,that is when i realized how bad off this has gone,i thought wow i am willing to lose mark just so i can pop pills..I was trying to find anything i could wrong with him to justify leaving.,And at this point everything is so different i dont know if it can be saved,but i hope so cause i do love him,he is really good to me.We have talked about everything and just see what happens.And i know it all stems from not liking myself(Frenchy nailed that one)I am not sure why i dont,but i just see all the flaws(cellulite,bad skin) and think when a guy will whatever flirt w/me that if he saw what i really looked like with no makeup he would be disappointed,or whatever.I always focus on the people that have more,instead of less.And when i allow myself to be happy i just get that thing that says Heidi as soon as you let yourself be happy someithng bad is gonna happen,so instead i just live in a constant state of worry,because at this point i think Isnt that how you are supposed to live!! And that i got from my mother..

heidiho
May 25th, 2007, 04:43 PM
Scorpio(Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
Instead of looking at how much you have left to do, consider how much you’ve already done. Yes, the road ahead of you is long, but you’ve come a long way so far. That ought to give you strength and hope. Regarding the stretch ahead of you at the moment is too daunting. Instead, look back at what you’ve already endured and survived, and remind yourself you could do it again, and then some. Your trials and travails may have worn you down on the surface, but underneath they’ve tempered and developed your strength. Dig deep. You’ll find underneath your weary, exhausted exterior, you’re steel
rd..

heidiho
May 25th, 2007, 04:44 PM
That is my horoscope in todays paper,FREAKY EH!

Kristin7
May 25th, 2007, 05:04 PM
OMG, that's wild! You are steel, woman!

heidiho
May 25th, 2007, 05:10 PM
Isnt that crazy!! I couldnt believe it......

poodletalk
May 25th, 2007, 05:16 PM
Heidi,

I also look at people who have more material things then me, when I look at them and see the things they have that I would just love! (Cabin on the water front; horses etc) it just motivates me to work harder to achieve my goals.

I also look at people who have all the stuff in the world, but they don't have their health and I feel bad for them. Just because certain people have more then you doesn't mean to say they have a better life then you.

I also learned from experience, the more things you want and achieve to have, there's always something else you want and can't have right now.

If Mark really loves you and you love Mark, why don't you and mark go to counselling to help you kick this habit for once and for all?

heidiho
May 25th, 2007, 05:29 PM
I know and i hate being like that,it is just never enough for me,and when mark said it,that just killed me,because when i got here i stopped being that way,and now all my old negative,never satisfied ways are back.We have talked about counseling,i just cant believe what damage i have done to us.I dont know how else i can explain to everyone how (cant find the words) ummm "spiritual " it was when we got back together it was a closeness that i can only describe as spiritual,deep...I never felt anything like it before.I felt HAPPY.I know when you first date everything is great,but this was just deeper than that you know..I dont know if this will work out or not,i dont want to lose him,but i cant reverse what happend either.

Dog Dancer
May 25th, 2007, 06:23 PM
Aw Heidi, I'm so sorry to hear your're fighting your demons again. You are steel though woman, you got past this before and now you must do it again. Go find the pills and flush the damn things. Go back to the Dr. who gave them to you and tell him what has happened. Enlist help from everyone to get past this. If you love Mark then talk to him, be open with him. He helped you once, he'll help you again. Even if only to get you clean so you can stand on your own again. Being alone would not be the answer for you at this time. Can you get to some type of counselling group that may give you moral support? Of course you know you've always got us here at pets.ca - :grouphug: :grouphug: Chin up sister - be strong again. It's true we always want more than we have, but we can't always have everything we want. If you want to be clean though, you can have that, that is within your power. But don't get down on yourself, think of all the positives - when you want a pill think of the things that it will take away from you not the things it will give you. What will you lose by taking that pill?? Mark, Roxy, pride, independence, freedom??? You can gain all those things by chucking the pills honey. Be strong and know how much we all care about you Heidi. It's brave of you to post this stuff out here and takes a lot of strength so you know you've got it - now put it to good use. We all care about you and are all pulling for you Heidi. Now be strong. You're in my prayers.

heidiho
May 25th, 2007, 07:00 PM
Thank you,god you guys could be drug counselers.I am gonna find my papers from the classes i took back in arizona and call my old teacher.I cant tell the doctor i could get in alot of trouble for that..And i wouldnt want his help,cause honestly i think he sucks as a doctor if i could fool him how good could he be.I am doing my best with my mind right now to toss these things before i go home today.But i am scared and lost.Scared because how am i gonna be or feel without them.Lost because well it is a habit now,meaning when i wake up in the morning i look foward to taking one,so now what am i gonna do when i wake up without them.ps I already play and hang out w/roxy in the morning.:thumbs up

Dog Dancer
May 25th, 2007, 07:20 PM
Heidi, think about looking forward to getting up in the morning and NOT taking one! Think about how proud you can feel about that. Does Mark know you're using them again? You need to enlist his help with this. Get up and look forward to a real nice glass of orange juice or coffee. It's Saturday tomorrow - skip the pill and go down to the beach for a nice breakfast treat. And on Monday go find yourself a good Doctor. It doesn't do any good to have a Dr. that you don't like or respect. A habit is something you've become used to doing. Make getting up clean your new habit. Make being able to look at yourself in the mirror with pride again your new habit Heidi. You know you say your skin isn't nice, and these things, well we all have our flaws. I look at my big butt and think - who'd want this??? But you know what, we're much harder on ourselves than other people are on us. Don't be so hard on yourself Heidi. Be proud of who you are and what you are. I have new wrinkles on my face every day now - but I've earned every one of them. You may have a few scars on your face, but it's still a beautiful face and a beautiful heart to go with it. You're earned your battle scars by coming out the other side Heidi. So now you have one more scar - bear it with pride and come out on top of it again! People don't look for our flaws, only we do. Get rid of the pills and be proud of yourself again. We're pulling for you - pull with us.

heidiho
May 25th, 2007, 08:39 PM
Okay i have been sitting here reading all these,thinking,debating.I was going over in my head ME at the grocery store buying sleeping pills and hoping mark doesnt show up and see me,then getting in my car and taking 4 or 5 out putting them in my loose powder,then making sure i threw away everything before i get home,sneaking in the bathroom to take one,laying in bed watching him and roxy sleep so beautifully,laying there thinking god this is nuts,then acting like nothing in the morning.That is a day in heidis life right now.So when my boss leaves(and this is the best i can bring myself to do) i have maybe 20 left i am gonna take 5 and i am gonna open the capsules and empty the rest of the stuff in the trash(so i cant dig them out later,sick eh) because if i keep them all by the time i am out i will be bale to refill,this way i cant.I know it is half assed but I have NEVER thrown away pills,so it will be a miracle.I have 20 minutes to go.

papillonmama
May 25th, 2007, 09:12 PM
You can do it.

Let go of them, let yourself be happy.

heidiho
May 25th, 2007, 09:23 PM
All (but 6)were just opened and dumped in trash then i poured water on top.I kept 2 for sat 2 for sun and 2 for mon,after that i am out and cannot get refills.I am trying real f********* hard here to get rid of 2 more,but having a hard time.God this must sound so sick,bizarre,sad,horrifying for anyone that doesnt know about addictions,.Because as i write it i cant even believe it........

Frenchy
May 25th, 2007, 09:25 PM
baby steps Heidiho, baby steps. :highfive:

heidiho
May 25th, 2007, 09:35 PM
I know...I am just thinking i should make sunday the last day because if i take any monday and dont sleep i have to work the next day and cannot go through that again,it is the worst,but then thinking i want at least one more to have for tuesday morning before i come to work.I am off monday so will not be able to update til tuesday.Wow i am exhausted reading my own crap here,i heard another great saying,not sure exactly how it went but something like :An addict never has a day off" God is that the truth and i need one,i am worn out from running around to doctors and all the damn lying........

heidiho
May 25th, 2007, 09:40 PM
OMG how could i forget this,this morning i of course had to move my sleeping pills out of the house in case he looked to try and find anything and i put them in my pockets and forgot,well iwent in bedroom while he was in there to change and just took them off and flung on bed,it would of been sudden death for me,it is stuff like that that i am tired of,making sure i dont leave any pills laying around or anything/

papillonmama
May 25th, 2007, 09:48 PM
Okay, you're doing great, you'll do it, I know you can toss em'.

heidiho
May 25th, 2007, 09:50 PM
I cant thank you all enough,i wouldnt of ever thrown away pills alone,still weird cause we dont know each other,but i swear on roxy i wouldnt of done this if i didnt confess to you..So i am atta here til monday,anyone like horror movies check out BUG i am going tonight to see it,and when you see previews you will see why,looksssss goooddddddd.Thank you again.

papillonmama
May 25th, 2007, 09:55 PM
Good luck Heidi, I'm glad you were able to get it off your chest.

Take care

glasslass
May 25th, 2007, 09:57 PM
Heidi, I've been away from the forum for a few weeks because of computer problems. After reading all through this thread, I realize what you have been going through and really apologize for not being here to help everyone support you. I know you've probably left for home already, but perhaps you'll be back on after the holiday. I remember when you struggled before and how much I was saddened, but admired you for having the courage to come clean and get clean. You did it before; you have proven you possess the strength of character to do it, you are strong enough to do it again, and I believe in you. You've taken the most important first step by letting us know. I feel you wanting help and reaching out for it. Give yourself permission to be helped! :grouphug: I know the spiral began when you took the first pill. I'm wondering how that came about. I'm sure you didn't seek out the prescription before that first pill. Where did that come from? Did someone give it to you? And is that person still on the scene to be your enabler after you've succeeded in tossing the bottle? If so, please, please realize that person is not a friend if they do. Please let us know how the weekend goes. We're all here to cheer you on. You have everything to gain by turning away from the pills. You CAN do it!:thumbs up

hazelrunpack
May 25th, 2007, 09:58 PM
Stay strong, Heidi. You can get through this! Great start--getting rid of the pills--that must've been so hard--and you should be so proud!

:grouphug:

Frenchy
May 25th, 2007, 09:58 PM
Here's lots of :goodvibes: :goodvibes: :goodvibes: for you.

Maya
May 25th, 2007, 11:02 PM
I'm sorry if this has been covered somewhere and I missed it but abruptly stopping Adderall may not be a good idea as there could be some serious side effects. Your doctor did suck and should have taken a better history before prescribing you somthing so addictive. Please look into a new Dr right away and tell them what is going on, they might be able to help you transition more slowly or on to something safer before you go off completely. Good luck.:fingerscr :goodvibes:

Skryker
May 26th, 2007, 10:46 AM
:grouphug: :grouphug: :highfive: Good for you Heidi! You can do this. Focus on how much better life will feel without the lying and worrying about the pills.

I know it's scary but you've done this before-you know it will get better.

I have not been addicted to anything, but I have spent time in my own hell of anxiety and depression. I know when you are in the dark, it can be really hard to believe anything can ever get better. It's hard to remember what it feels like not to have to deal with the crap all the time, and like you said, it wears you right out. But it will be better. I'm so proud of you for getting rid of the pills! :thumbs up

I would encourage you to try and find a counselor of some kind; it sounds as though you might have some of the same type of anxiety disorder issues that I have. Look for someone who uses Cognitive Behaviour therapy. That approach uses not only talk-therapy but also helps you to learn how to change your patterns of thinking, which in turn changes your behaviour (and it is an approach that does not rely on medications). I was totally stumped at first when everything crashed on me because I always considered myself to be an optimist. Instead, I am a worrier. If I let myself I will come up with the worst sort of disaster in my head, and then I worry that it will happen. I spent a year with a great counselor who helped me understand what my thought processes are and how to change them so I'm not overwhelmed and consumed by fear and panic all the time. Ironically enough, he spent part of his career in Hawaii. I remember talking to him about it, and how beautiful it is there.

Good luck, Heidi! Stay strong. :goodvibes:

CyberKitten
May 26th, 2007, 01:58 PM
I had not read the rest of this forum - thought it was about apt hunting and I am so sorry to hear what you are going through!! Do you have a counselor or anywhere you can go for help there? I know groups work for some and not others so there is that avenue - it depends on what works for you.

Addictions are very hard to overcome. My mom smoked for many years and stopped just like that about 21 yrs ago (same age as my nephew - my sister told her she was getting near the bay if she smoked) and my dad overcame a drinking problem so I know what it is like. I have also worked with several people who have had addictions so my heart gores out to you!! Vicodin is the same ingredient as oxycontin - hydrocodone - and it is a very addictive substance- as is the amphetamine one. Vicodin is called percocet in Canada - it is used here but under a different name. Most people end up with the generic endocet but it is the same thing.

You should see your family doctor and get some help though - the stress you are under does not help and if you could get some help for that, that would be good as well.

Take care of yourself!! I wish I could do more! :grouphug: :grouphug: And please do not be so hard on yourself - you have done so well!!!!

heidiho
May 27th, 2007, 02:17 AM
I am babysitting right now,so quick update.,First thank you for taking the time to help out.Yes this thread was about apt,but then i started feeling really crappy about making mark the bad guy,and lying because so many people were trying to help.The first pill i got was from someone who lived in the old house we used to live at and no i do not see them anymore.I already tossed the adderrall have 3 left and i have not been doing those to long and stopped the vics cold turkey(sort of,stopped those and went to adderall)so i am not really to concerend about any bad withdrawls or anything,i just cant wait to know that i am gonna be able to sleep,with the adderalls you shouldnt take them really any later then morning and well i would pop one in the late afternoon to so sleep was not gonna be happening when i did that.I do need to get help with my anxiety and worry issues for sure.I do the same thing,"picture mark getting in a crash,my car breakin down,just crazy stuff that i make myself worry about that will probably never happen,my # 1 problem is living in the now,i live in the future and past and cant seem to learn to live in this second,not 5 minutes from now or 2 days ago,NOW.Well thats it,have monday off,will be back tuesday,thank you all from the bottom of my heart.Oh yeah and throwing the pills away was beyond hard,that one i will pat myself on the back for doing.:D

Skryker
May 27th, 2007, 08:30 AM
:highfive: And you should pat yourself on the back for that! :)

Good to hear from you, and I'm glad that the weekend is going well for you.

The worst part of anything like this, I think, is feeling so alone. If everyone who posts in this thread can help you feel less alone, well, :highfive: for us, too! :D

Enjoy your sleep.

CyberKitten
May 27th, 2007, 02:57 PM
It has always been my feeling - and I have to admit my personal experience - that we do feel better after a good sleep! So I hope you are able to sleep sometime soon!! Do you have a good GP you can talk to there - someone who can put you in touch with resources? That might be a start with the anxiety.

Please take care of yourself and you are not alone - at least you have friends here even if we are far away. (I am only sorry I am not closer!). Good luck!!! Think of how far you have come - don't look at the negative stuff, think of the good things and your achievements, your kitty, the fact you are a good person who cares about others and about animals!

:grouphug: :grouphug:

chico2
May 27th, 2007, 04:48 PM
To add my:2cents: why I care and worry,we've known you since your trouble with Damien,when you were not too fond of cats,did that ever change with Roxy:)
When I saw your pics of your face,when you were using meth and your desperation I just about cried.
I can imagine you will once again go through hell to get off whatever you are using and I am sure everyone here will be thinking of you.
All the comforting words in the world,will not change the fact this is your fight to fight,your life to save,but know,although we are very far away,we care and want to see you happy and healthy.
If your happiness means a life with Mark,I:pray: he will help and support you in your struggles...

Frenchy
May 27th, 2007, 04:58 PM
Oh yeah and throwing the pills away was beyond hard,that one i will pat myself on the back for doing.:D

Right on sister ! :highfive: And you don't need to do big things to give yourself pats on the back, even little things should make you feel proud of yourself. :grouphug:

glasslass
May 28th, 2007, 12:56 AM
One day at a time. This day (NOW) will always be the hardest. If you need a pep-talk, you know you will get it here.

heidiho
May 29th, 2007, 04:11 PM
Well it was a really good weekend,saw my movie Bug,my letter got put in newspaper,and me and mark had a perfect holiday.Yesterday morning i took last one,i feel pretty good,the hard part is really all mental not physical,i am doing my best to not think about them,of course when i got to work i looked around seeing if maybe there was one left anywhere,NO,there wasnt..So if i can mentally get over it i will be ok,i think this first week is gonna be the hardest..

hazelrunpack
May 29th, 2007, 04:18 PM
It will be hard...but you can do it! You have to keep remembering how good this holiday weekend was and know that it can always be good like that if you kick this now. :grouphug:

Dog Dancer
May 29th, 2007, 04:20 PM
Heidi, congratulations on a good weekend. I hope the week goes well for you. Just remember you can come here to vent and rant. Be strong and stay clean now. Roxy needs you to be there for her, and you will be. :grouphug:

Skryker
May 29th, 2007, 04:21 PM
You can do it, heidi! Like hazel said, keep focusing on how good the weekend was, and that it can be like that all the time.

:highfive: Keep it up, a few moments at a time. Kudos to you, on getting rid of the pills and on your letter! Well done. :thumbs up

RolandsMom
May 29th, 2007, 04:31 PM
you deserve a good load of pats on the back Heidi! well done for having the courage to be honest and for taking that first step. i hope there is some kind of support network where you are as going it alone is hard!! we are all here to offer as much as we can!!
i too believe in you and know you have the strength in you to kick this!!
:grouphug: :grouphug: :goodvibes: :goodvibes:

heidiho
May 29th, 2007, 04:36 PM
I know i cant go back to being like that,the hardest part is being at work,just because right now it isnt that busy so there is alot of time just to think,but i am not gonna cave because i know what will happen if i do and how iwill feel and that i almost lost everything because of them.

TeriM
May 29th, 2007, 07:57 PM
Yeah Heidi :thumbs up . Keep up the good work :) .

Winston
May 29th, 2007, 09:38 PM
Way to go Heidi! I have read all your posts and I just wanted to say if you need any of us just come on-line! We are all here for you....we all are human and have demons we battle so dont ever feel alone....how about doing some things you enjoy? Do you like to read? or go see some of the scenery!! some good quality time for you.....or how about a manicure/pedicure...sometimes that can be relaxing...Anyway keep it up and always remember we are here!!

Cindy

:fingerscr

Frenchy
May 29th, 2007, 10:05 PM
Doing good Heidiho ! I'm proud of you :grouphug:

Dog Dancer
May 30th, 2007, 12:27 PM
Keep up the good work Heidi. One day at a time. You can do it and we're all here cheering you on.:highfive:

heidiho
May 30th, 2007, 02:33 PM
Today sucks,i dont know how today could be worse then the day before.,but it is.I am very un motivated,and have no energy at all. I hate the way i feel right now,and am not sure how many days i am gonna have to feel like this,but i hope it is not many,.

Skryker
May 30th, 2007, 02:42 PM
:grouphug: I'm sorry you're feeling rough, heidi. Hang in there. It will pass. :grouphug: :goodvibes:

heidiho
May 30th, 2007, 02:48 PM
Thanks,trying so hard to look at this positively,i know i cant be a pill popper my whole life.But wow i cannot believe how different i am when i am not on them.Finding no pleasure in anything right now,hard because i have to act energized like i usually am in front of mark,like this morning i could NOT get out of bed,when normally i fly out of bed..

Hunter's_owner
May 30th, 2007, 02:56 PM
Just stay strong Heidi, take it one day at a time, one hour at a time if you have too. :grouphug:

breeze
May 30th, 2007, 03:00 PM
Heidi, thats the pills taking, everything around you is possitive you just have to look. you have to stay strong, minute by minute think of roxy and how she makes you feel think of the sun on your face, what ever makes you feel good you must consintrate on that little by little you will feel better.

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

heidiho
May 30th, 2007, 03:28 PM
Man i am trying,i know i have done it before,just my whole body feels just blah,i am easliy annyoed by anyone that walks through the door,and i am trying to fight it in my head,but it is so friggin hard,knowing i could feel better by taking a painkiller,this is just a nightmare i would not wish upon anyone,it is a hell.....I am reading everything here to make me get through this..

breeze
May 30th, 2007, 03:33 PM
just keep reading heidi if it helps you.
you can try a cup of coffee, or tea open a window?? try chewing gum and chew the heck out of it hahahaha walk around your desk go to the bathroom and splash water on that pretty face of yours.
don't give up and i know you won't

heidiho
May 30th, 2007, 03:42 PM
I know that i HAVE to go through this part and getting more will only prolong all of it,i have went outside a few times had a cigarette,this job doesnt let you leave desk for to long,as i am the only front desk person.Just so tired and edgy.....

breeze
May 30th, 2007, 03:46 PM
I know you are tired and edgy what time is it there, are you busy today?
what excatly do you do heidi??

you could always try humming a tune a happy tune, i know it is not easy, and you have to go through this but you are not alone we are all here for you
:goodvibes: :grouphug: :dog: :cat:

papillonmama
May 30th, 2007, 03:48 PM
oh, that all sounds so rough, but you can do it, you just have to get past this rough patch and you'll feel better.

heidiho
May 30th, 2007, 03:52 PM
I work the front desk at a condominium,some units are vacation rentals,so i just check people in,today i have only 4 check ins,the rest of the time i read a magazine or i am here on the internet,the job can be really slow,but the hours and the pay are decent that is why i stay.

breeze
May 30th, 2007, 03:56 PM
what time is it there?? here in montreal it is almost 4;00pm
1 more hour and i have to start supper mike gets home at 5;30pm so supper is waiting for him when he get home....

heidiho
May 30th, 2007, 03:58 PM
It is 9:58 am here.Gonna be a longgg day.

breeze
May 30th, 2007, 04:17 PM
It is 9:58 am here.Gonna be a longgg day.

just think it not that long for your luch break, think of it as a new beinging, or just a couple of hours then you can go home and see roxy :cat:

chico2
May 30th, 2007, 04:47 PM
Aww Heidi,I have days when I feel just like you do and I don't pop pills,it's just a natural female thing.
You know everyone here cares very much about you,you are a beautiful young lady,living in Hawaii,you have little baby Roxy,the 2 ferals and Mark,please,please just take it one hour at a time and eventually you'll be healthy and strong.
Life is often a struggle,but there usually is light at the end of the tunnel.
As for Mark,if he really loves you,he too should help,firstly by not drinking so much,you both have addictions,not only you..
Try to stay strong,you have a huge supportgroup right here on the Forum:cat:

heidiho
May 30th, 2007, 05:10 PM
I know it is not normal to pop pills to feel good,i think maybe this is how i am gonna feel for about a week,icant remember when i stopped them last time cause i was also on the meth and also was given something for withdrawls.This is from the adderrall because i havent taken any vics for about 3 weeks now,and yes mark has agreed on cutting way back on the drinking and he has been doing it to .I just have to get over this hump(aint gonna be easy)because this is what is gonna bring on another relapse,feeling like this..I am fighting it every second.

chico2
May 30th, 2007, 05:13 PM
Heidi,sending you lots of kitty-love and good wibes:goodvibes:
This is one fight you will win..:pray:

heidiho
May 30th, 2007, 05:34 PM
So crazy cause i know i CANNOT go on doing this forever,but i also cant describe how horrible i feel i really thought physically i was gonna be fine,til this morning when i just couldnt get up,but had to act like i have been,because i never lay in bed saying i dont want to get up,i know if i can make it a week i can do it,i also do not get a lunch as i am the only person at front desk,which is another perk of job cause i get paid time and a half for an hour lunch..

poodletalk
May 30th, 2007, 05:41 PM
Wednesday's are always the worst day of the week Heidi, there's nothing to look forward to. It's not the begining of the week and it's not the end of the week. If you get through today, then tomorrow will be one day closer to the week-end and the one week mark will be closer.

Just hang in there, I am having a bad as well Heidi! You are not the only one!

heidiho
May 30th, 2007, 06:14 PM
Well i hope your day gets better,i know i have to stop being "oh poor heidi" there are people in worse postions then me in life.

Skryker
May 30th, 2007, 07:51 PM
:grouphug: Heidi! I can't imagine what you're going through. But I do know it won't last.

You've got so many people rooting for you, if positive thoughts help. My hubby wants me to let you know he's pulling for you, too. :goodvibes:

Frenchy
May 30th, 2007, 08:03 PM
My hubby wants me to let you know he's pulling for you, too. :goodvibes:

aww ,that's so sweet ! And Poodletalk is right , Wenesdays suck :shrug:

Winston
May 30th, 2007, 08:51 PM
Heidi...do they have a Humane Society or Rescue group you could volunteer at? maybe you would enjoy being there to help the animals? I know how much you love Roxy...Anyway Wednesdays suck! thats for sure....they should have made that song " I hate Wednesdays" insted of Mondays!

We are all pulling for you.....lets hope for a better day tomorrow!!

Cindy

heidiho
May 30th, 2007, 09:16 PM
They do but it is about 65 miles one way,i am gonna start getting more active and hanging out more w/ mu guys outside,because it is not possible for me to play,love or anything else w/ roxy,when i am home she gets all the lovin she will allow ne to give,by the way roxy is just the most PERFECT family pet that god could give a person,as each day goes by she gets more loving,follows me everywhere,does the cutest damn things,and really overall seems like the most content happy cat i could have ever imagined having,i adore her.So i am gonna find something to do healthy wise for me,i have to ,or i am not gonna make it through this.

joeysmama
May 30th, 2007, 09:26 PM
You ARE going to make it through this !!!!! You have a great life ahead of you and I'm playing the mom card here ! ;) I'm going to boss you around and tell you to stay strong and I'm also going to tell you that you have our unconditional support. Don't ever think that anyone is going to be disappointed in you if you post how you really feel. An addiction is a very real illness. (You wouldn't tell a cancer patient that they were a disappointment for getting cancer would you? ) No one chooses to become dependent on something. So if you need to tell us that you're having a tough day then tell us--go ahead and vent if that helps. You're among friends and furry family !!:grouphug:

Winston
May 30th, 2007, 09:33 PM
Couldn't have said it better Joeysmama!

Cindy

heidiho
May 30th, 2007, 09:57 PM
You guys are the best,especially my second mom here,.I have to clock out now,and off the subject totally,i was lookin for a thread here someone did with a list of things your cat does,something like that it is a joke thing about how cats get into anything you are doing,but icant find it anyone know who did it,i want to print and show mark,well thanks again,time to go home and deal with life.You guys do make it easier..

Kristin7
May 31st, 2007, 12:20 PM
I hope you made it through yesterday ok!! :fingerscr

heidiho
May 31st, 2007, 02:59 PM
I did,still feeling blah,but i am trying...

Kristin7
May 31st, 2007, 07:50 PM
Awesome! :thumbs up One day at a time... Yesterday I was thinking about you and was inspired to do something good for myself so went for a run. First time in over a month!

heidiho
May 31st, 2007, 07:54 PM
That is so cool,i got on my bike for the first time in awhile to,did 4 miles,.Drinking coffee today so i dont feel so tired,not helping a whole lot,but it sure does tast great.Mark is going to oahu for the weekend to work,i just cant bring myslef to leave roxy for 3 days,so i think it will be good to see how much we miss each other,have never spent a night apart since i have been here,i know i will miss him already.

TeriM
May 31st, 2007, 08:09 PM
Good for you Heidi :thumbs up . Exercise is a great idea, even walking on all those fabulous Hawaii beaches would be a great distraction. Keep up the positive stuff and be extra careful while Mark is away :) .

heidiho
May 31st, 2007, 08:15 PM
I know i thought about all the free time i will have,just gonna keep myself busy at the beach,then at home w/ roxy.I am not gonna lie this will be tuff w/ him gone.

Frenchy
May 31st, 2007, 09:05 PM
i know i will miss him already.

Soooo , does that mean you guys are good ? :goodvibes:

heidiho
May 31st, 2007, 09:43 PM
No not totally,although this week has been good for us,but i want to see how i feel without him around so this will be good for us.

Frenchy
May 31st, 2007, 09:49 PM
It would be nice if you guys could patch things up :goodvibes:

heidiho
May 31st, 2007, 09:55 PM
It really would,i can see the difference already in myself w/ him.Well gotta go,by any chance did anyone know where that post was about cats,the joke one??I cannot find it,it is like a list of all the things your cat will do to interupt you.

Dog Dancer
June 1st, 2007, 02:51 PM
Hey Heidi, Hope you made it through another day okay. Good to hear you got out on your bike. It will be tough for you this weekend with Mark gone. Try not to fall into the "poor Heidi" that you were talking about. We can all bring ourselves down feeling sorry for ourselves, you're not the only one who can play that game so don't worry about it. Just try to avoid it. This would be a good weekend to clean like a mad woman (is there ever a good time to clean when you live in paradise???) I'm sure that Mark will come around - he just needs time to learn to trust you again, or to trust your judgement let's say. Is that coming out right?? To learn that he matters more than the pills. We're all very proud of the effort you are making Heidi. Keep it up. Cuddles for ROxy too. Ciao

heidiho
June 1st, 2007, 03:10 PM
I am just gonna keep busy,no poor me,and although i cannot promise anything because this is really hard,i will do my best,that is all i can do..Thanks again for everything,anyone know about that cat joke thread where it might be>??????

CyberKitten
June 1st, 2007, 03:29 PM
Wow!! You have more energy than me - but I have respiratory probs (plays the violin, lol) - I could not even do a km the first day I went out on my bike!! You are GOOD!!!

Take every day as it comes - life will get better!! I am sure!!! Take care of yourself too - but biking is good - great exercise and it increases all those endorphins!