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spoiled or unreasonable

breeze
April 17th, 2007, 02:15 PM
I would love to know what you think
Some of you have kids and some of you don't. I still would like to know.
do you think it is unreasonable to let your kids pay for thier schooling, their own car, cel phone, and help out once in a while (if they have a part time job) with the food bills or if they work full time paying once a month for rent while living under your roof.

My sons friend who is 20 had a car accendent yesterday totaled the car. he is ok except for some minor bruses. now his father is going car shopping and is planning on buying him an other car, the father is paying for everything (the car) he also is paying for his sons cel, schooling and among other things and the son is living at home, working and is paying nothing.

My household is very different. my older son is working full time and is paying rent here at home, paying for his own cel, (he is planning on going back to school)which he is going to pay for it himself then he only has to help every 2 months with the food bill, my other son is paying for his own schooling plus his own cel and helping out with the food bill every 2 months, cause he only has a part time job.
Their friends say i am unreasonable making them do this.
what do you think??

SableCollie
April 17th, 2007, 02:24 PM
I think you've been talking to my mom. I live at home right now, and I am paying rent, and I pay for my own food. I don't think it's unfair, my parents have to pay the mortgage, electricity, heat, and tax bills. I work full time, and I would have to pay rent if I was living in an apartment, so why not when I am living at home? Plus the house is pet friendly, and it has a yard. So basically I live here for my dog. :D

Cookiesmom
April 17th, 2007, 02:35 PM
Breeze, no you are not being unreasonable. I had to pay rent/food when I lived with my parents (many years ago). I think you are doing your son(s) a favour by teaching them responsibility. Too many kids today are spoiled and have everything handed to them on a silver platter. I would much rather teach my kids financial responsibility....it will go a long way.

dustybird
April 17th, 2007, 02:43 PM
I don't think it is unreasonable at that age, it helps teach them about responsibility and how to budget their money and if they mess up they still have a place to live and food in their belly. Better to learn about it now than out in the real world where forgiveness and second chances are just about unheard of. When the time comes to go out on their own they will be better prepared.

My sister inlaw who is 18 and has a job still gets an allowance of $40.00 a week and she expects it and she doesn't do a darn thing to earn it. God for bid should she put her own dish in the dishwasher. She is the perfect example of spoilled and she's isn't thankfull for one darn thing in her life. She asked us the other day for $30.00 so she could go out with her friends and we said no, don't you have a job, "yeah but I spent it", well as soon as her dad walked in the house she hit him up for the money and....he gave it to her and then complains to us about it...duh don't give in. If anyone needed to pay rent to thier parents it's her...she lives a world with no responsibility or consequences for her actions. It will be a huge awakening when the day comes for her to think for herself.

breeze
April 17th, 2007, 02:44 PM
I come from a very old fashion background and been doing this since they were able to work age 15 when they worked part time I asked that they "help" out every 2-3 months for the food bill and not all of it only part of it like fruit or just the vegies or just the bread.. but as they got older so did their appatiates (is that how you spell it??) then the steaks went higher when my older one went for his lience he had to pay for it in my eye then he would have the drive to pass no?? yup he did now a couple of years later he wants a car of course but does not understand why i won't help him out,, "all his friends parents bought theirs sons or daughter a car" why can't you bla bla bla now my younger son wants his lience and i refuse to pay.. sooo of course his friends are on his case saying that i am the meanest mom in the world ( ya like i am the only one?? I think not :laughing: )

breeze
April 17th, 2007, 02:49 PM
Dustybird funny you should meation about the dishes... when they were small they would use all the glasses in the cupboard and then complain when they would have to empty the dishwasher... so I took the dishwaher away, and told them that one day first son drys the dishes and the next day the other one does.. they hated me for it.the rule still applies (when they are home) but my younger son got a job his first job dishwashing at a golf course now they ask him back every year and this yea he was permotted to cook..

raingirl
April 17th, 2007, 02:50 PM
it depends. i really resent people who had that type of support from their parents because they are often able to buy a house sooner, get married sooner, have kids, etc. Basically, its easier to get your life in order when you have that type of support. It really makes me jealous sometimes.

I have been on my own forever. My mom had a nervous breakdown when I was 11 and went into a mental institution for several months and I had to live in a foster home. She did come back, but from that point on, it was really survival of the fitest for me. got a paper route, bought my own clothes, food, everything from the age of 12. As a result, I couldn't save money for school and to get my university degree, I went into 40K in debt.

I am now 28, I rent, I'm still paying off loans, a car, i have no savings, I can't afford to buy a house or get married, let alone have kids.

I would have loved to have someone who could have supported me through school so that I could be more advanced in my life now. Maybe not buying me a car...but paying for school I think should be the responsibility of the parents to a certain extent...

mastifflover
April 17th, 2007, 03:05 PM
I think kids today get way too much for nothing. I agree pay for school or help with it if you can. The car, cell, clothes and luxuries no way. My parents could not afford school so I passed on it but if they could have I probably would have gone, But as far as the other stuff I got a part time job and bought my own car my dad did co-sign a loan for me but it was my responsibility to make the payments. My parents did buy me things but I also helped to pay my own way. I did not pay rent since my parents felt I had a job and bought my own clothes and paid for my car and insurance and entertainment that it was not necessary but I did learn a lot from it. You are not mean or cruel you are raising responsible young adults who probably respect you more than you will ever know. I did, I might not have liked it at the time but I truly respected my parents for it.

Skryker
April 17th, 2007, 03:17 PM
I don't you're being unreasonable at all, breeze.

Breeze, no you are not being unreasonable. I had to pay rent/food when I lived with my parents (many years ago). I think you are doing your son(s) a favour by teaching them responsibility. Too many kids today are spoiled and have everything handed to them on a silver platter. I would much rather teach my kids financial responsibility....it will go a long way.

I agree wholeheartedly with Cookiesmom and with dustybird-it's far better that your kids learn how to budget and manage money while they have the luxury of a safety net than to be out on their own with no clue how to make a paycheck last til the next one comes.

My parents gave me what help they could after I turned 18 and went to off to school but I never expected it from them-they had their own money issues and a mortgage to pay, ect. so I got OSAP and I worked part-time, too. It would have been nice not to have to but the reality of my situation was that I needed that job to pay for clothes and all the extras that my student loans didn't cover. :shrug:

Raingirl, I too resented the heck out of the people whose parents were footing the whole bill, gave them a car and whatever else they wanted. I have to say, though, that the people who had to do for themselves got better grades and were just more mature-wasted less time at school and worked harder at it. Helps you value things more when you have to sweat to get it, right?

Puppyluv
April 17th, 2007, 03:34 PM
I guess it depends... I guess I'm an example of your son's friend... but only kind of. My Grandparents pay for my school, and my parents bought me a condo and pay its mortgage. In addition, they are paying for the rennovations I am currently having done on it. They also bought me a car, and give me about 1000$/month to live off of. I work part time during the school year and full time during the summer. The money goes to Layla, gas and car insurance.
I crashed my car in a snowstorm in March and I am paying the deductible on the insurance, as well as will continue to pay the increased cost of the insurance.
My brother lived at home during university and he never payed rent, and got pretty much the same things I got, except when he moved out, my dad only payed for the first $100 000 of his condo, since my brother was already making 65000$/year by his third year of university.

I know I have it very easy, and I appreciate it more than I can say, but there are reasons that my parents give me all of this. They believe that school is important, and I shouldn't be spending my time at school worried about whether or not I have enough money. They'd much rather I do well in school, and they pay for it, then for me to not have enough time to do all of my school work because I need to work all the time. They also don't want me to start off with a huge loan to pay off.

I agree that it is important for kids to appreciate how expensive and tough life can be, but I also think it is important to give your kids a helping hand when they need it and you can.

As for whether the kids should help pay the parent's mortgage, I don't agree with that at all, unless for some reason the kid is making more money than the parents. If the parents can't work for some health reasons, then by all means, the kid should help out, but otherwise, it's the parents house, not the kids.

breeze
April 17th, 2007, 03:47 PM
I'm not talking about paying the morgage, I am saying helping out with the food(they eat most of it) or the hot water(again they use most of it,showers and laundry) or the internet, or even cable.... they borrow the car (only have one car)they can put gaz in it and they can pay for their insurance....

honestly if they were failing cause of them having to work then I would sugest cutting their hours down.. they can work over the summer in order to pay for school and if they wanted to go on vacaction then they would have to figure out if they could and still have money to pay for school.

chico2
April 17th, 2007, 04:10 PM
When my 3 boys were growing up,they had chores,paper routes etc...for pocketchange.
We told them as long as they are in school,we support them,pay tuition,however once they finished school and still lived at home,they pay rent and whatever else they need.
If they did not like it,they could move out in to the real world.

Puppyluv,you and your brother are very fortunate,you never really had to work for anything,but it seems to me you appreciate everything your parents did,most kids don't,they just simply want more and more.
The problem with handing everything to your grown-up kids,is they never grow up.
They get married,everything is handed to them,have a house,2 cars etc...first sign of any trouble,shortage of money,they run to mom and dad,or get divorced.
That's just not right,you only become an adult,once you take responsability for yourself,deal with problems,cut down on expences until you can afford them.
I was on my own from a very young age,nobody ever gave me anything and after I was married,it was the 2 of us,later 5 of us and whatever we owned we could proudly say,we did it on our own!!
Kids have to learn and respect,that their parents are both working hard to give them a good living,unfortunately today,2 incomes are needed and the whole family has to help out,including the kids.
As it is today,cell-phones,computers,cars,these are luxuries my kids would have to pay for themselves,for sure!!
Maybe not computers,since it is really not a luxury anymore,schoolkids need them.My:2cents: and I really love my boys,in case you were wondering:laughing:

LynLyn
April 17th, 2007, 04:45 PM
I don't think you're being unreasonable. I like PupplyLuv had it easy as well, but my parents paid for everything because they wanted me to concentrate on school and do my best. I had a job growing up but that was my choice, so that I could pay for my own clothes and cell phone bills. My parents have always let me know that if I need help they are there for me, but I think that they are that way because they know how responsible I am. If I was a spoiled brat that didn't know financial responsibility if it hit me with a baseball bat they would try and teach it to me (like my sister who has to pay bills and rent cause she's "what daddy's NOT a bank machine?" type) It depends on the child i think.

Shamrock
April 17th, 2007, 04:50 PM
Very interesting topic. I also dont think you're being unreasonable at all, Breeze.
I see nothing wrong with kids helping out with expenses while living at home, and agree that it provides benefit in learning responsibility.

Parents should do what they can to assist their kids, both in schooling and in helping them get a solid financial footing for their future.
But to pay some of their expenses if they are able to seems only right to me.

I've known of some young adults who are almost appoaching middle age, holding down good paying jobs while still living at home free of charge, bank accts getting bigger every year.
This really baffles me. How financially "secure" do they need to be before either contributing to the home expenses or leave the nest? :confused: :shrug:

Though many are very appreciative such as puppluv,.. some young people who've been provided with everything can develop a lopsided sense of "entitlement" in life.

Dogastrophe
April 17th, 2007, 04:52 PM
I can't speak from the parent point of view, but I can speak from the child end of it growing up in a money's tight household of 6.

Growing up myself and my brother and sisters were encouraged to get part time jobs. At 15 all of us we were, other than rent and food, fairly self sufficient. As we got older, my parent's were there to help us out if required (I recall my father helping me pay for a new clutch for my car and every once in a while he would sneak to the gas station and fill the car up for me), however, any purchases that we wanted to make were up to us to pay for.

When I went to university, I was responsible for my own tuition, books, etc. I lived at home rent free until I got married and moved out in 3rd year. Essentially the deal with all of us was that as long as we were either working full time or going to school they would not charge us rent. If we decided that we were going to bum around the house and do nothing, the rent would be so high that we'd have to move out to be able to afford to live!

breeze
April 17th, 2007, 05:14 PM
Once in a while I do help out my kids that is what a family does, when I have the extra money i will go buy a phone card for one of them or buy a buss pass when he did not have any money to spare or when I would see a book they really wanted I will buy it if I can.. We also pick up the boys when they do not have transportant and it is late in the night ( we pick our youngest up from school as he finishes at 10;30 every nigth and coming home would take him 2 hours:eek: ).
money is tight these days, and all the help really does help... heck they don't even have xbox only cable, and internet.

I do find that with these rules or the lack of a better word does make them relize what family and responibity is all about, but like the rest of us we all have our days and they do to.......

i_have_too_many
April 17th, 2007, 05:30 PM
I was #7 in a family of 8, so things were stretched pretty thin once I was around. I got a summer job as soon as I was 15, and anything that I wanted beyond basic clothes and food was up to me. My parents gave me a small (like $1 a week ) allowance up till I was working but payed me for helping out on the farm every year. I started investing when I was 16 (with mom's encouragement) and used that money to pay for my 2 years of college and everything that went with it. My parents actually paid for school, but when my investments matured, I had to pay them back. I was also able to use the money they gave us for helping out, they paid me for years of work all at once, when I left for college. I was married at 21, only a month after graduating college, so I never had to pay them rent. I have an older brother who kept returning home, he had to pay rent while he lived there, and they kept increasing it until he finially decided to move out for good :laughing: .

I found that this really tought me to be responsible. I never had a car, but if I had all the bills would be mine. That first year that I worked I wanted a stereo really bad, so I found a job (picking cucumbers :yuck: ) and in September, I got it. Now I am in the habit that if there is something I really want, I work, and save for it. And usually what happens it that I wait so long I either do not want it anymore, or it comes on sale :p .

My H had to pay for his schooling too, and that is how we will do it for our kids.

Kristin7
April 17th, 2007, 06:59 PM
No, not at all! I agree with mastifflover, kids get too much for nothing these days. I am not all that old, but my parents made us do chores around the house. There were four of us, so I can see why. We did the dishes, mowed the lawn, split and hauled wood, cleaned the house, car, etc. We didn't necessarily like hearing the saw going at 8 am Sat morning indicating this was a day we were going to make wood, but otherwise, it was ok and I don't think it was bad at all to have us help. We lived there too. I can't imagine just sitting around having our parents slave around us and bring home the bacon too, and we just sit around. How rude! The one thing I didn't like was being made to get a job in the summer, even though I didn't make money because the drive was so far, just to teach me good work ethics. Those same ethics don't apply now, plus, one of my jobs was actually kind of dangerous. One can learn about hard work in other ways, but since getting a job in the 'real world' I have noticed the willingness to hard work doesn't matter. Not in my field anyway. If one works in Corporate America, they need to learn other skills...

breeze
April 17th, 2007, 07:32 PM
I find that the work ethics are not what they use to be the kids and I mean young kids want the pay but don't want to work for it.. when the kids get alot of things on a silver plater they expect it and then "why do we have to work I will get it from my parent" now I am not saying everyone is like that but some..
When the kids were small they did have chores they did not get paid "allowance" cause we felt that this is your house also so you must work at it in order to keep it in good shape ( now it's hard just getting them to clean thier rooms hahaha :laughing: )

Prin
April 17th, 2007, 07:53 PM
it depends. i really resent people who had that type of support from their parents because they are often able to buy a house sooner, get married sooner, have kids, etc. Basically, its easier to get your life in order when you have that type of support. It really makes me jealous sometimes. Me too!!! People I know get everything handed to them and then they complain to ME that they have no money. And when they invite me out for coffee and I don't have enough change for a hot chocolate and can't go, they're all "How can you not have enough money for a hot chocolate?" :rolleyes:

I think parents should help with school, but that's about it. :shrug: The rest is optional, IMO.

papillonmama
April 17th, 2007, 08:11 PM
I don't think you are being unreasonable. Kids should have responsibilities, and learn that the world isn't handed to you.

My first job was when I was thirteen, and I worked since then, except now being a stay at home mom.

My mother paid for my things, to a point. She would take me out to buy clothes, but if there was excessive accessories or what-not, it was up to me to pay. I was allowed to have a cell phone, that I paid for. I didn't have a car, so I bought my own bike, if I wanted something that was more expensive than my mother wanted to give, I would share the cost, or buy it for myself.

Food was included in my rent though.

For me, this worked out, I really couldn't stand relying on other people for things, and I have always hated asking my mother for anything. but I'm an independant person, I was raised that way, and it was probably a part of my personality to begin with, it might be more hindering for some than others, I think it just depends on who you are, and how you were raised prolly comes in too.


ASIDE} something that bugs me, is these new commercials on t.v. telling parents that they can teach their children the value of money and wise spending by giving them a pre-paid credit card. What's the difference? Give them cash give them a credit card that's already paid for.... Sounds kinda the same to me.

Kind of reminds me when my kids were really little and they thought that money just came out of the bank machine, it's cute when they're two, but that's where I draw the line.

wdawson
April 17th, 2007, 08:40 PM
when our son works in the summer i only charge him 60% of his take home pay....(:evil: dad)...he gets it back when he goes back to school.....he has student loans (that i'm gonna pay,after 9-12 months after he starts working) he pays his own cell bill,groceries when in school,all his amenities when at school are included in the rent. i think kids need to be tought the value of $$$ and to not take things for granted.

happycats
April 17th, 2007, 08:43 PM
It's a tough call, you don't want to hand them everything on a silver platter, but then again you don't want them to struggle needlessly either.

I would hate to think my son had to stay up all night to do his homework, is exhausted during classes, because he was to busy working to pay for his education.
As long as his grades were good I would have no problem paying, yet on the other hand, if he thinks I am going to pay so he can go to school and party, he's got another thing coming!
I think there is a fine line, and I guess we each have to decide where it is.

I hope to be able to help my son as much as I can, but if he takes advantage of it, the help will end.

I think there is nothing wrong with spoiling as long as they are disciplined.

BusterBoo
April 17th, 2007, 08:49 PM
:yell: ooohhh the things I could go on and on about....

Two years ago my partner and I bought a house together (I am 54 yrs old..not a kid!). He brought along his (now) 20 yr old daughter. she is definitely a daddy's girl and does SFA in the house! She is in 2nd yr university, is extremely smart in school, but cant' find the dishwasher when she has dirty dishes. She doesn't pay a cent towards living expenses, her Dad puts gas in the car (out of our joint account), she expects us to supply the shampoo, conditioner, feminie hygience products, junk food, pay the phone, cable, mortgage, insurance, internet and yet....when I come home she is sitting on her a$$ waiting for supper......

ok....now I feel better!

btw...I have a 33 yr old daughter who went to University, paid all her way, and is now making more money than I do! I also have a 28 yr old son who is in a great relationship, with a 3 month old baby boy and is doing GREAT! My kids were brought up to be independent....I think that is a problem with today's kids.....

Spoiled kids need to grow up fast....

Peepmouse
April 17th, 2007, 08:52 PM
I don't think you're unreasonable. When I went to university I had to move into the city and stay in the dorm, and I tried to get a student loan to help with the expenses, but at that time (1980) you had to have worked a full year to qualify for the loan, and since my dad made too much money in the goverment's estimation, and I had only worked 2 months, I couldn't get any cash. My parents decided they would help me out with my expenses during my time in university, but as soon as I graduated and got a full time job, I started paying them back $50 to $100 a month. I paid back approx. half of what I owed them, when they forgave the rest of my debt when I got married. I didn't get a car until my husband bought a 10 yr old VW Rabbit for me for Christmas and I was almost 30! Up till then I took transit buses. I'm so thankful to my parents for all their help and support.

CyberKitten
April 17th, 2007, 09:25 PM
I think it depends on so many variables but in the end, I think students -depending on their age, ability to pay and a family background and so many other factors. I have seen all sides - which makes me wonder if I am getting too old, lol I see some kids work really hard in school and work while attending school and then blow it somehow - (ie not pass, not do well, spend too much time partying as they learn or not learn perhaps how to live on their own, etc.) and I have also seen students who are quite well off who do extremely well academically and are happy with everything their parents do for them. Just this week, my dentist friend who I occasionally car pool with when we are at a house we have out of the city was bemoaning the fact that 95% of the Dental School could be categorized as "middle class" which is kinda sad in his view because it means they have certain attitudes and never see how others live and are shocked when they work at the clinic for kids who need extra help not covered by NS's MSI. (Medicare plan which covers most necessary items for children but not cosmetic and many other procedures not considered essential and that list seems to grow each year (sigh!).

I can recall being an undergraduate on a scholarship and while my parents were very helpful, I also worked 3 part time jobs and it really perturbed me that kids were going on some holiday with their student loan money. Something told me that unless they underwent a complete personality change, they;d unlikely ever repay that money and the taxpayers would be the ones footing that bill. It was not that I begrudged them a holiday - I would have loved to have gone somewhere during March break but I stayed at school to work (some studying but mostly work as I needed the money to attend an expensive grad school) that yr anyway and I had been to soe great places as a kid and maybe that had not so I did not want to judge. Still, they have to thin kabout who's money it is and what it is for. (They were the same ppl yrs later who would laugh about not having paid back their loan which makes me wonder how they got credit but I guess that's another matter.)

That said, I thin there is a happy medium. I did not live in a community with a university tho I could have lived with my grandparents who lived in Hfx but I do thin student life is an essential and important part of university and if it can be afforded, a good part of life at school. Much of what I learned came from there actually, lol (Well certainly, some of the lessons in life tho by then I had been thru so many health issues that there were days I was just happy to be alive thank you. I would try to tell myself this on super bad days which did of course happen now and then.)

I think if a family can afford it and wants to buy a child (teenager- whatever) a car, that's up to them. I am not sure about buying ga second one. If the accident was in no way the fault of the teenager and the family can easily afford it, I guess that is their own business. My grandmother bought me a small car as a birthday gift when I turned 16 though I did not get it until I passed my license et al - which was not too much later, lol She could afford it and I was a VERY hard worker so I have no regrets or have no guilt about the fact she gave this wonderful gift. She had a good job - as did my grandfather - and to have turned it down would have been an affront to her. I also had many lectures from my family - father and mother mostly about how to care for it, etc. etc. I come a very demanding family who were very good to me but expected a great deal in return. My goal was to give to others and for the most part, I have been fortunate enough to have managed to do that. At that point in my life, I wanted to save the world but I soon realized I needed to be more practical and do what I could with my particular education and abilities and center on my region and in other needy places thru Drs without Borders.

I have a friend who was returning from a Drs without Borders term and he had for some reason been given a Watchman (I cannot imagine it worked in South America where he was) and he said the first thing he did upon returning to our affluent society because to be frank, any of us here on this site - with a computer and the ability to pay for it - are richer than most people in the world so we need to realize we do so much better than those who suffer in some of those horrid hot and hungry places ion the globe. - was to give it away. He could not imagine owning anything so useless after seeing so many ppl die needlessly. I share his feelings - it is always a tough readjustment when you reyrun to North America where running water, televisions - of any size - computers and automobiles in every home - is the norm.

So I guess I look at a lot of these ethical issues - (I know it is not ethical in the way I usually debate such on a committee I sit on, ie - do we allow this transplant or not, what about a neonate who is born way too early and will be ill all her life - is she a burden with no quality of life or a life that must be fought for regardless of disability?) but it does seem similar in a much less melodramatic kid of way.

When I did stay at home in the summer - tho that was never often - as a student, I was never charges rent. My parents would have been horrified to do that I think - and my parents never had been either. I think if a parent needs the money, they probably should - does it teach responsibility? Probably but no more so than students who work 100 hours a week to pay for their education. There are probably some who are jealous of those who do not need to pay rent but the positive aspects of living at home make up for whatever rent is charged. I would have love to have had my mom around to cook now and again and do things for me - not that I am complaining, lol - an I considered myself VERY lucky indeed to be able to crash now and then at my grandparents for a weekend or two. But at the age I was a young univ student (15 -25 or so), I wanted to be away from home and paying for my own place and so forth. Yes, my folks helped on occasion but it HAD to be important - I was not even sure I'd get my undergrad pictures done because that was not considered important. That was superfluous - money to cover my new place in Boston to assure my acceptance and place to stay there was so much more significant. (My grandmother stepped in when she head I was forgoing with the pix - and to this day it would not have bothered me in the least had I never had undergrad pix!) (I was lucky enough to win a couple prizes and my picture was in a hometown newspaper so who needed to pay the expense of a photographer - something I did think kind of silly at the time.) And my family is NOT at all sentimental! I have become more now tho, having my niece's 3D picture from the time she was still not out of her mom's body to a 18 mo old walking, lol I can actually recall living on $20 for one month - that meant even macaroni and cheese was a luxury and lots of cheez whiz and toast, lol (This takes into account my rent and utilities had been paid.) And while I might have loved to go to grandma's for dinner, she worked 100 hr weeks and did not cook much. The one who loved to cook lived further away in NB!

I doubt I would ask my own child to pay rent but I have the means to help him or her. And like my sister who paid the $28,000 a yr just for tuition for my nephew and even some God awful rent when he was doing an internship (It has another name, co=op term; for some reason I am thinking of the French word "stage" but that's not it either - it was at a ski resort in Vt), I would likely have done the same thing, I often in fact did assist my nephew for items she and her ex husband did not pay for. And he is spoiled - has his own truck - and just bought a new one after getting an excellent job upon graduation - but has turned out to be a great, super, wonderful kid. The same is true of my brother and I would not do a thing differently - the assistance with the tuition (He is younger than me), help with homework, money when he needed it - if it was important (I'd refuse to pay for beer for example and money he asked for I had to see the receipts to know it had indeed gone for educational needs like books, tuition, living expenses, that kind of thing).

I have established a scholarship for women. I know that is biased but it has to go to a single woman in pre med or sciences aiming to attend some graduate program in the Health Faculties who is a single mother. I have seen too many young women unable to continue their studies because the kind of summer jobs they could get just did not pay as much as men - and while we are becoming somewhat better, there are still fewer women earning the same amount in the Natural Resources field tho the IT field has a more level playing field but it too is somewhat male dominated. So that is my tiny contribution to attempt to change that. We are now at a point where more women than men make up the Medical School classes - at least in Canada and in the school I teach at - but very few of those students are mothers. And sometimes, the barrier is not gaining admission but obtaining the credentials to do so in the 1st place!

Anyway - hope I have not digressed. I don't think you are unreasonable. This is your way iof helping your sons become good and caring citizens. Most of "my" students tend to be there now - unless they come from a family who are willing and capable of paying the prices of a medical School - which are higher than most other courses and even they tend to be responsible tho there are always a few you wonder about (but I won't get into that here, most are great!) - by the time they are in a Residency program, regardless of wealth, they understand way too much about responsibility. Given that it costs the taxpayers an average of $40,000 to educate a medical student and that does not account for what they pay - just what it costs us - as in the university - much of it collected by govt funds or research money or benefactors etc. ) , we are extremely careful about who is admitted. Even the son or daughter of a physician who comes across as arrogant and snarky and uncaring - and these are not attributes one can hide no matter how hard one tries - will not make it if they do not meet our standards. (GPA, Medcats, interview - if they get to that stage,references, activity in hospitals or with medicine, extra curricular activities, many other variable) So, if a family want to pay that tuition, that's fine with me - if not, well, that's fine too. Every family is unique and we all come from different situations. I think as long as a family helps their son of daughter to become responsible in some way so they now the value of life, being a good person, altruistic, being able to function in society and handling money, and diplomatic and a good citizen, that is what we need to ask of parents.

There's more but I have wrote too much already - sigh!! Or maybe that lol as usual.

joeysmama
April 17th, 2007, 09:33 PM
I wish I could just hand everything to my kids but it's probably good for them that I can't. I've seen a lot of young people who don't have any sense of appreciation for what they have.

We gave them the use of cars but didn't give them the cars. They drive used cars that we own and we pay the insurance while they are in college. They have always worked for their spending money and pay for their books. They went to college on student loans. My son graduated and is living at home for a while to save money. But he hands his dad a check every month. It's not a free ride. Granted it's not as expensive as it would be living on his own (this area is outrageous) but he is learning to budget his money and be responsible about his monthly expenses.

He's pretty tired of the bomb he's been driving and would like to lease a new car. He started pricing the cars he likes. LOL !! You should see how his tastes change when he sees the sticker prices. That fancy SUV has turned into a small economy sedan in the last 48 hours.

I do wish I could do more for my kids. But they are hard working and smart. I couldn't be more proud of them !!! They're great kids !!:D

TeriM
April 17th, 2007, 10:35 PM
I have no kids but think you are being quite reasonable. We had 4 kids in our family and I can't really say I ever wanted for anything. I had a horse and it was understood that all of "my portion" of the fun money went to having the horse. I babysat and then worked part-time as soon as I was able and those funds always went for things I needed for the horse. My brothers and sisters all also worked and used their funds for their fun stuff. I was extemely lucky that my parents helped me when I went to school. They paid my tuition and rent and I worked part time and payed everthing else. My older brother was also nice enough to send me $100 per month for extras. My parents co-signed my first car loan.

Interestingly now the tables have turned. My dad passed a few years ago and my mom doesn't have a ton of extra money (although she is still quite comfortable). I like being the one to pay for dinner, I pay her vet bills for her dog, and other small things.

glasslass
April 18th, 2007, 12:43 AM
I've worked since I got my first work permit at 12yrs (cutting fruit for school clothes $). We all had chores and all worked for our extras while my parents struggled to pay the basics. I went to a community college while working as a carhop. My parents worked hard and raised 3 kids. We all turned out well and do well. I helped my parents the last 14 years. Both are gone now, but they died secure. I'm proud that I was able to help them. In my opinion, they gave their children the most important things, which were good values, good work ethics, honesty, and the ability to stand on our own feet and be accountable. My hubby and I married young (19 and 22). We went to work and put in our time. We had friends who were able to go to college, back-pack through Europe, and who loudly proclaimed that they couldn't live our 8a-5p grind. Now the rich parents are gone, there is no one else to pay the bills. One worked "under the table" at various jobs (earning no social security credits). Those finally working are moaning they have mortgages and can't retire for years yet. Now, they're having to do the time to earn pensions and benefits. Yes, it was hard, but my hubby just retired. I retired from my 1st career 10 years ago, and will be able to retire again from my present job in 2 years. We've planned well and no complaints. Parents do their kids no favors by not making them be responsible for themselves. I spoil my pets. They repay me with love. I'm too tired tonight to write well. Chico expressed it much better than I could.

jiorji
April 18th, 2007, 12:38 PM
ok so i guess i'm one of the spoiled ones:rolleyes:
But I'm an only child and my parents can afford it, and yet they refuse to buy me a car lol not that I want one but it's our joke. When i did have a car when I was living with them it's cos they ended up getting brand new spankin cars and I got left with the "ready to take to the car dump" car that we kept fixing and fixing for 4 years until it finally broke down. Should've seen the rust on that thing:laughing:

and well in our culture, that's how it goes. Parents pay and pay until the kids are off on a salary. If you don't support your kids, you're considered a bad parent.
But i appreciate what they do. I do pay for my pets alone though with my own money, and i would pay for everything myself too if i made enough money to do that.

i know a friend whose sister is 31 and she still lives at home with a good job. SHe never pays rent of the grocery bill. Her salary goes on shoes and clothes. THAT is spoiled:shrug:

phoenix
April 18th, 2007, 01:18 PM
My parents never charged us for rent... and I stayed home for university...but they didn't pay for anything else. They have been more lenient with my sister (she's 30 and mom still makes many of her meals and they gave her a car... she's finishing med school now; I've been out of school about 9 years now)
I think the best arrangement I ever heard of was a parent charging rent and then saving it secretly in investments.. and then giving it back to the kid as a downpayment on their first house. I love that idea. I'm uncomfortable with ever asking my kid to help pay my mortgage but I'm all for making someone more financially accountable.
I would have no problem buying a house for my child when they go away to university, but I'd expect them to get roommates and be the landlord / manager... and then I'd sell the house after 4 years and share the profit or something.
I don't resent the support anyone's been given at all. Each person's situation is different and there are valuable experiences for all.

RolandsMom
April 18th, 2007, 02:31 PM
I dont think its unreasonable. i think it teaches kids to value money. I had to pay rent and groceries (my mom moved out and left us in the house, we were 18 and 19 though so we were totally able). she would help us out everynow and then with bags of groceries (i got a whole heap for my birthday once, best present i ever got!!!). My dad did pay for my university but maybe that was because he didnt pay any child support so felt the urge to do that so i didnt have to get a student loan.
I think that for sure they should contribute if they live at home although i think in proportion to what they earn, also help around the house with chores and stuff.
my first boyfriend and his 3 brothers each got to write off one car that was replaced (and they all did so quite effectively!!!:eek: ) and then they had to sort themselves out. they all work now and support themselves.

CyberKitten
April 18th, 2007, 09:18 PM
I agree with you Phoenix- my sister has done that with my nephew. Not charging him rent but asking him for some money re utilities (He has a job that pays $82k a year - I am not even sure my 1st job paid that and that was after I graduated from med school, lol Granted, that was awhile ago, lol) She invests it into an account - tho she has not told him about it and when he is ready to move out (He jut graduated from univ last spring), she will give him the money and we will all help him with a down payment if it is not enough which where he lives, it is unlikely to be.

And jiorji, re that person who only pays for clothes and shoes or whatever else it was, you are right - WOW!!! That IS spoiled indeed!! My mom made many of my clothes when I was in univ or I'd never have afforded them - then again, who had time to shop, lol I was lucky with a car but in many ways, it was less a luxury since I attended a univ quite far from home and when we figured it out, it was less expensive for me (at that time anyway - not sure now with the price of gas!!) to drive home from school than to fly or take the train. I did fly on a few occasions from Boston to Halifax and then home to NB and while I did get home somewhat faster, I do think it was more expensive in the long run. Also, thank God when I attended an out of country school then, the exchange rate was so much better than now, thankfully!! I felt guilty enuf as it was - with my parents having paid so many medical bills for me in nthe US (The surgery I needed was not available in Canada and I would well, to be blunt, dead if I had not had it but I still feel that it could not have been easy for them.) So I appreciate everything they did for me!! Sounds like yours do too JoeysMama!! Good for you - and them!

Frenchy
April 19th, 2007, 07:35 PM
Me too!!! People I know get everything handed to them and then they complain to ME that they have no money.

Same here ! :mad: And these people don't know what it is to have NO money !

A bit late for this topic,sorry, but Breeze, I think you are helping your kids to become better people. They will know the value of a dollar. I'm ok with parents helping (helping) to pay for school IF they can afford it. But the rest should be the kids responsability. I never got any help, my dad died when I was 13. My mom couldn't afford to pay all those things for me. I finished high school and went straight to work, to help my mom , and to have some money for myself. And today, I appreciate my things sooo much, and I think I did pretty good too !

doggy lover
April 19th, 2007, 07:51 PM
My daughter is in collage and she has to pay for it herself, she also pays for her cell phone and clothes, we pay for her bus fair which is about $200 a month. She works part time so we don't charge her room and board or anything. I have told both my kids that as long as they are in school I will keep a roof over their heads and food in their stomaches. Now my son will graduate from high school this year and is not sure what he wants to do so I told him he has to get a full time job and will have to pay keep. If he decides to go back to school after it will change back.
I don't find this unreasonable I was married at 18 and my husband moved to Toronto at 17 with just a suitcase. Everything we have we have had to earn and with having a cottage to pay for too we just don't have the money to help them out more. People that have more can afford to do more for their kids, I just hope these kids are thankful for it, I know some that are and some that are not, I guess it depends on the child.