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Dog Rules and More

March 2nd, 2007, 11:04 PM
B]Basic Rules For Dogs[/B]

NEWSPAPERS: If you have to go to the bathroom while playing in the front yard, always use the newspaper that's placed in the driveway every morning for that purpose.

VISITORS: Quickly determine which guest is afraid of dogs. Charge across the room, barking loudly and leap playfully on this person. If the human falls down on the floor and starts crying, lick its face and growl gently to show your concern.

BARKING: Because you are a dog, you are expected to bark. So bark--- a lot. Your owners will be very happy to hear you protecting their house. Especially late at night while they are sleeping safely in their beds. There is no more secure feeling for a human than to keep waking up in the middle of the night and hearing your protective bark, bark, bark...

LICKING: Always take a BIG drink from your water dish immediately before licking your human. Humans prefer clean tongues. Be ready to fetch your human a towel.

HOLES: Rather than digging a BIG hole in the middle of the yard and upsetting your human, dig a lot of smaller holes all over the yard so they won't notice. If you arrange a little pile of dirt on one side of each hole, maybe they'll think it's gophers. There are never enough holes in the ground. Strive daily to do your part to help correct this problem.

DOORS: The area directly in front of a door is always reserved for the family dog to sleep.

THE ART OF SNIFFING: Humans like to be sniffed. Everywhere. It is your duty, as the family dog, to accommodate them.

DINING ETIQUETTE: Always sit under the table at dinner, especially when there are guests, so you can clean up any food that falls on the floor. It's also a good time to practice your sniffing.

HOUSEBREAKING: Housebreaking is very important to humans, so break as much of the house as possible.

GOING FOR WALKS: Rules of the road: When out for a walk with your master or mistress, never go to the bathroom on your own lawn.

COUCHES: It is perfectly permissible to lie on the new couch after all your humans have gone to bed.

PLAYING: If you lose your footing while chasing a ball or stick, use the flower bed to absorb your fall so you don't injure yourself.

CHASING CATS: When chasing cats, make sure you never--- quite--- catch them. It spoils all the fun.

CHEWING: Make a contribution to the fashion industry . ...Eat a shoe.


Be especially patient with your humans during this time. They may appear to be more stressed-out than usual and they will appreciate long comforting dog leans.

They may come home with large bags of things they call gifts. Do not assume that all the gifts are yours.

Be tolerant if your humans put decorations on you. They seem to get some special kind of pleasure out of seeing how you look with fake antlers.

They may bring a large tree into the house and set it up in a prominent place and cover it with lights and decorations. Bizarre as this may seem to you, it is an important ritual for your humans, so there are some things you need to know: Don't pee on the tree - don't drink water in the container that holds the tree. Mind your tail when you are near the tree-if there are packages under the tree, even ones that smell interesting or that have your name on them, don't rip them open - don't chew on the cord that runs from the funny-looking hole in the wall to the tree

Your humans may occasionally invite lots of strangers to come visit during this season. These parties can be lots of fun, but they also call for some discretion on your part: Not all strangers appreciate kisses and leans - don't eat off the buffet table - beg for goodies subtly - be pleasant, even if unknowing strangers sit on your sofa - don't drink out of glasses that are left within your reach.

Likewise, your humans may take you visiting. Here your manners will also be important: Observe all the rules in #4 for trees that may be in other people's houses. Respect the territory of other animals that may live in the house - tolerate children - turn on your charm big time.

A big man with a white beard and a very loud laugh may emerge from your fireplace in the middle of the night. DON'T BITE HIM!!

You Know You Are a Dog Person When...

You have a kiddie wading pool in the yard, but no small children.

Lintwheels are on your shopping list every week.

You have baby gates permanently installed at strategic places
around the house, but no babies.

The trash basket is more or less permanently installed in the
kitchen sink, to keep the dog out of it while you're at work.

You refer to yourselves as Mommy and Daddy.

Your dog sleeps with you.

Poop has become a source of conversation for you and your
significant other.

You can't see out the passenger side of the windshield because there
are nose-prints all over the inside.

You have 32 different names for your dog. Most make no sense, but
she understands.

Your dog eats cat poop, but you still let her kiss you (but not
immediately afterward, of course).

You like people who like your dog. You despise people who don't.

You carry dog biscuits in your purse or pocket at all times.

You talk about your dog the way other people talk about their kid.

You sign and send birthday/anniversary/Christmas cards from your

You put an extra blanket on the bed so your dog can be

You'd rather stay home on Saturday night and cuddle your dog than
go to the movies with your sweetie.

You go to the pet supply store every Saturday because it's one of
the very few places that lets you bring your dog inside, and your
dog loves to go with you.

You open your purse, and that big bunch of baggies you use for
pick-ups pops out.

You get an extra-long hose on your shower-massage just so you can
use it to wash your dog in the tub, without making the dog sit
hip-deep in water.

You and the dog come down with something like flu on the same day.
Your dog sees the vet while you settle for an over-the-counter
remedy from the drugstore.

Your dog is getting old and arthritic, so you go buy lumber and build
her a small staircase so she can climb onto the bed by herself.

Your license plate or license plate frame mentions your dog.

You don't think it's the least bit strange to stand in the back yard
chirping "Meg, pee!" over and over again, while Meg tends to play
and forget what she's out there for (but what your neighbors think
of your behavior is yet another story).

You match your furniture/carpet/clothes to your dog.

You have your dog's picture on your office desk (but no one else's).

You lecture people on responsible dog ownership every chance you

You skip breakfast so you can walk your dog in the morning before

You are the only idiot walking in the pouring rain because your dog
needs her walk.

You don't go to happy hours with co-workers any more because you
need to go home and see your dog.

Your friend's dog acts as Best Dog at your wedding.

Your weekend activities are planned around taking your dog for a
hike (both days).

You keep an extra water dish in your second-floor bedroom, in case
your dog gets thirsty at night (after all, her other dish is way down
on the first floor...).

Your freezer contains more dog bones than anything else.

You never completely finish a piece of steak or chicken (so your dog
gets a taste, too).

You shovel a zigzag path in the back yard snow so your dog can
reach all her favorite spots.

You avoid vacuuming the house as long as possible because your dog
is afraid of the vacuum cleaner.

You keep eating even after finding a dog hair in your pasta.

You make popcorn just to play catch with your dog.

You carry pictures of your dog in your wallet instead of pictures of
your parents, siblings, significant other, or anyone else remotely

Your dog is the star of your World Wide Web site!

Your parents refer to your pet as their granddog.

You hang around the dog section of your local bookstore.

Your jewelry box contains no jewels... just those fasteners from vari-kennels.

Every time you read the name Bob, you think the guy's first name
is Best of Breed.

Your house isn't carpeted--the fuzzy furballs under your feet are
soft enough...

Your hungry hubby comes home from work, lifts the cover of the
pan on the stove and says, "Is this people food or dog food?"

Your hungry hubby once ate the dog food and asked for seconds.

You don't give a second thought to using the brush you just used on
your dog to give a quick run through on your own hair.

At your dinner parties, you always double check the butter before
putting it on the table.

You put important papers in your latest issue of your breed
magazine you know you will find them there.

You have dog hair stuck on tape on wrapped gifts.

You have dog toys and treats in your briefcase.

You have several albums filled with the 8 by 10 pictures of your
dogs but you can't locate any pictures of your kids to send to

You show up at the car dealers with a ruler, to measure and see if
your big dog crate will fit. Before the actual purchase you make
the dealer cringe by insisting that you load both crates and dog
into the shinny, new vehicle to make sure it works!

You can't get the groceries in the car because its
A) already full of dog food
B) you have that big old crate in there.

You visit relatives only if there is a dog show nearby.

You remove all the seats from the van except the two in the
front so you have room for crates...

The passenger seat is full of dog stuff.

You cringe at the price of food in the grocery store but think
nothing of the cost of dog food or treats.

You have six squeaky hedgehogs... but only 1 with a squeaky that

You put popcorn in the clean dog dish for movie night.

You pull out your credit card and little bits of liver are stuck
to it...

When you get your latest roll of film and there isn't a single
picture of a two-legged person in it...

People at work have stopped offering you their lint brushes; they
realize it is a hopeless case.

March 2nd, 2007, 11:10 PM
ok last one (I have nothing better to do at the momment).

I may not have a dog but yet have still managed to experience most of these when visiting my parents/grandparents.


I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when
he's on the toilet.
The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.
I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm
lying under the coffee table.
I will scootch my bottom along the grass to rid myself
of hangers-on.
I will not roll my toys behind the fridge.
I must shake the rainwater out of my fur BEFORE
entering the house.
I will not drop soggy tennis balls in the underwear of
someone who is sitting on the toilet.
I will not roll my head around in other animals' poop.
I will not eat the cats' food, before or after they eat it.
I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of
clean carpet in the house when I am about to throw up.
I will not throw up in the car.
I will not roll on dead birds, seagulls, fish, crabs, etc.
I will not lick my human's face after eating animal poop.
"Kitty box crunchies" are not food.
I will not eat any more socks and then redeposit them in
the backyard after processing.
The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.
I will not wake Mommy up by sticking my cold, wet nose
up her bottom end.
I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them.
I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red
ones, or my people will think I am hemorrhaging.
When in the car, I will not insist on having the window
rolled down when it's raining outside.
We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I
hear one on TV.
I will not steal my Mom's underwear and dance all over
the backyard with it.
The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are Mom & Dad's
My head does not belong in the refrigerator, dishwasher
or trashcan.
I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for
Mom's driver's license and car registration.
I will not spend more than 5 minutes trying to find the
"perfect" place to poop.
I will not eat other animals' poop.
I will not take off while on leash to chase squirrels while
Mommy is standing on a slippery grass slope.