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Memo to Pets

March 30th, 2004, 06:52 PM
Dear Dog and Cat:

When I say to move, it means to go someplace else, not switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in the way.

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note that placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is therefore not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help either, as I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will resort to sleeping on the sofa to ensure your comfort.
Look at videos of dogs and cats sleeping. They can actually curl up into a ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. Please note that sticking tails and tongues out to maximize space used is nothing but sarcasm.

My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If, by some miracle, I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, try to turn the knob, or to get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. When I exit this room, I will come out the same door I entered. In addition, I have been using bathrooms for years. Canine and/or feline attendance has never been necessary.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog's butt. I cannot stress this enough. It would be such a simple change for you.

March 30th, 2004, 08:50 PM
That is sooo funny! It just suits my dog so well, down to the last detail!:rolleyes:

March 31st, 2004, 08:50 AM
Very cute.. Did you make it up? Because that is definitely what a pampered pet sounds like LOL.

March 31st, 2004, 10:08 PM
That actually goes for cats too:D Sleeping in a King size bed with hubbie and three cats,can be a challenge,especially since the young one(not hubbie)thinks everything that moves under the duvet is for his(the cats) enjoyment:D

April 2nd, 2004, 05:46 PM
I couldn't have said it better myself, thanks for making me laugh, my dog has got some medical problems right now and Im so worried, but yet what you wrote still made me smile. Its so true! Thanks

doggy lover
April 2nd, 2004, 06:34 PM
:D Let me get this right who is the owner and who is the pet, I think we know the answer to that question. LOL

April 4th, 2004, 06:50 PM
I thought it was funny because I can totally relate - especially about the sleeping in the bed! It is so good to see that I am not the only one who lets my pet rule the household! No wonder my pup is such a suck since I let her get away with everything!!

cedes, I am sorry to hear about that your dog isn't well :( I hope everything works out okay.

I have another funny to post that I found (no, I don't make these up although they are so true it's almost like they were written about Molly!!)

April 4th, 2004, 06:58 PM
After your humans give you a bath, DON'T LET THEM TOWEL DRY YOU! Instead, run to their bed, jump up and dry yourself off on the sheets. This is especially good if it's right before your humans bedtime.

Act like a convicted criminal. When the humans come home, put your ears back, tail between your legs, chin down and act as if you have done something really bad. Then, watch as the humans frantically search the house for the damage they think you have caused. (Note: This only works when you have done absolutely nothing wrong.)

Let the humans teach you a brand new trick. Learn it perfectly. Then the humans try to demonstrate it to someone else, stare blankly back at the humans. Pretend you have no idea what they're talking about.

Make your humans be patient. When you go outside to go pee, sniff around the entire yard as your humans wait. Act as if the spot you choose to go pee will ultimately decide the fate of the earth.

Draw attention to the human. When out for a walk always pick the busiest, most visible spot to go poop. Take your time and make sure everyone watches. This works particularly well if your humans have forgotten to bring a plastic bag.

Make your own rules. Don't always bring back the stick when playing fetch with the humans. Make them go and chase it once in a while.

Hide from your humans. When your humans come home, don't greet them at the door. Instead, hide from them, and make them think something terrible has happened to you. (Don't reappear until one of your humans is panic-stricken and close to tears).

When your human calls you to come back in, always take your time. Walk as slowly as possible back to the door.

Wake up twenty minutes before the alarm clock is set to go off and make the humans take you out for your morning pee. As soon as you get back inside, fall asleep. (Humans can rarely fall back asleep after going outside, this will drive them nuts!)

Because you are a dog, you are expected to bark. So bark--- a lot. Your owners will be very happy to hear you protecting their
house. Especially late at night while they are sleeping safely in their beds. There is no more secure feeling for a human than to keep waking up in the middle of the night and hearing your protective bark, bark, bark...