Pets.ca - Pet forum for dogs cats and humans 

-->

Rules For Cats

dustybird
February 28th, 2007, 02:55 PM
Rules for Cats

I. DOORS
Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get a door opened, stand on hind legs and scratch the frame. You may also reach under the door and pull clothing towards you; silks get the quickest reaction. Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an "outside" door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, when it's raining or snowing, or during the height of the mosquito season. Swinging doors must be avoided at all costs.

II. CHAIRS AND RUGS
If you have to urp, get to an overstuffed chair quickly. If you cannot manage this in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there are no Oriental rugs, shag is a good substitute. When urping on shag, be sure you project; it is a must that it stretch for as long as a human's bare foot.

III. BATHROOMS
Always accompany guests to the bathroom. (See Rule I) It is not necessary to do anything - just sit and stare.

IV. HELPING
If one of your humans is engaged in some semi-closed activity and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called "helping"; humans are known to refer to it as hampering". The following are the rules for "helping": a) When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted. b) For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book, unless you can lie across the book itself. c) For knitting projects or paperwork, lie on the work in the most appropriate manner so as to obscure as much of the work or at least the most important part. Pretend to doze, but every so often reach out and slap the pencil or knitting needles. The worker may try to distract you; ignore it. Remember, the aim is to hamper work. Embroidery and needlepoint projects make great hammocks in spite of what the humans may tell you. d) For people paying bills (monthly activity) or working on income taxes or Christmas cards (annual activity), keep in mind the aim - to help! First, sit on the paper being worked on. When dislodged, watch sadly from the side of the table. When activity proceeds nicely, roll around on the papers, scattering them to the best of your ability. After being removed for the second time, push pens, pencils, and erasers off the table, one at a time. e) When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be sure to jump on the back of the paper. They love to jump.

V. WALKING
As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of the human. Especially effective places to strike are: 1) On stairs, when they have something in their arms; 2) In the dark; and 3) When they first get up in the morning. This exercise helps with improving their coordination skills.

VI. BEDTIME
Always sleep on the human at night. If there are two (or more) of you, book end the human putting off the greatest heat. They will try and squirm but your sheer numbers and inert bodies will effectively keep them pinned.

VII. COMPUTERS
1: Only show interest in computers that are turned ON, the operator will need your help.
2: Monitors are bad for human eyes. It might ruin your owner's sight and cause them to buy less cat food. Always get in between the monitor and the person operating the computer. For best results, stands as close to the monitor as possible. If you are removed, go and sulk in a corner for a minute, then repeat. Look as innocent as possible.
3: Keyboards are great to lie down on. Make yourself as comfortable as possible. Marching over the keyboard several times is fun too. Practice aiming at alt-F4, N, and ctrl-alt-del.
4: Always chase the mouse. Your owner can't blame you for this, since it's your feline instinct to chase mice.
5: Floppy disk make great scratching posts. Nothing beats floppies when it's time to sharpen your nails.

heidiho
February 28th, 2007, 03:46 PM
That is great stuff,to funny...So weird how all cats find inerest in the same things to play with or mess w/ when you are using it

chico2
February 28th, 2007, 04:50 PM
Dustybird,I am pretty sure my Rocky came up with all that good advice for other cats:cat: every single one happens in my house every day,but it's all good,keeps us humans on our toes:laughing:

rainbow
February 28th, 2007, 06:11 PM
I agree.....I can relate to them all on a daily basis. :D Thanks for sharing. :thumbs up

dmc123
February 28th, 2007, 10:01 PM
So true so true! My cats know those rules very well.

Diane

Peepmouse
March 1st, 2007, 12:24 AM
http://bestsmileys.com/cats2/19.gif I love those rules Dustybird!
I had to send it to my sister-in-law, because she has 5 cats, and the rules are soo true to all of them!:laughing:

glasslass
March 1st, 2007, 01:18 AM
ILLUSTRATION for IV. HELPING

katwoman
March 17th, 2007, 03:52 PM
A.when the humans are eating,make sure you leave the tip of tail in there dishes when there not looking.
B.Never eat food from you own bowl,if you can steel form the table.
C.Never drink from your own your own bowl,if the himans lass is full enough to drink from.
D.Should oyu catch somthing if you on your own outside,it is onley polite to attempt to get it to know it.Be insistent your food wil usually not be so polit and try to leave.
E.Table scraps are delicacies with witch the humans are infortunaltely unwilling to readily part.It is beneth the dignity of a cat to beg for food as lower forms of life such as dogs will,but there are sevraly techniques exist for that the humans don't for get you exist.These are jumping on to the lap the "softest" human and puring loudly;lying down in the doorway between the dining room and the kitchen,the direct stare,and twining in and out of the humans legs as they sit and eat while meowing plaintivley.