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I think my relationship ended cuz of my dog!

Dracko
December 19th, 2006, 11:58 PM
The relationship is 4 years old and my dog (Shepherd) has always been an issue. Dracko is 6 and my bf and I have only lived together for 1 year. He expects me to treat Dracko like a "dog." Right.

I am so fed up with all this I can't even type to explain everything I'd like to.

I think what it comes down to is I am a animal lover and he conditionally likes animals...has gotten used to my cats.

I honestly am happier when I am with my animals than any humans. At least I would choose my animals over a person who expected me to put them last.

There is more to it, of course, than just the dog, but I told my boyfriend today that I am not going to his parent's for Xmas (it's 2 hours away) and a major reason is that the kennel I would keep Dracko at is full (boyfriend didn't give me enough notice to book ahead). He wants me to just dump him anywhere (only really bad kennels would have openings this close to the holidays, of course) and that is NOT going to happen. It would be for 3 days.

I think the message in this to me is never get together with someone who isn't passionate about animals.

Prin
December 20th, 2006, 12:01 AM
Yeah, my man isn't as in love with dogs as I am either... But at least he respects my doggy decisions..:o

:grouphug:

TeriM
December 20th, 2006, 12:05 AM
That sucks. I imagine that is what it is like if you and hubby had different values regarding child rearing. If he hasn't figured it out after this long then he likely never will :sad: . Can you check with your vet to see if they do some boarding?

brandynva
December 20th, 2006, 12:06 AM
I'm sorry you are having to go through this. Like Prin, my hubby isn't crazy about dogs. The fact that we have three is amazing! In fact he used to be allergic, but isn't to our dogs. When we go other places his allergies drive him crazy. I told him it was a sign. He DOES love his GSD, but is not as enthusiastic as some. (me) Anyway, I hope you can resolve things and you dont' have too much turmoil right here at Christmas.:pray:

Dracko
December 20th, 2006, 12:13 AM
That sucks. I imagine that is what it is like if you and hubby had different values regarding child rearing. If he hasn't figured it out after this long then he likely never will :sad: . Can you check with your vet to see if they do some boarding?


I never actually thought about the vet thing. My vet is new to me (as I recently moved) but it would have been worth a try if I hadn't decided not to go.

I think I am just worn out fighting over the dog. He slept with me until I moved in with my bf and it kills me each night to have him not. I could even accept him sleeping beside the bed, but I believe my bf is against it ONLY cuz he wants me to be mean to Dracko to PROVE how much I love him more.

Ultimately I knew better than to keep this relationship going way back mostly cuz of issues such as this. He has a 10 year old son (we have him 50% of the time) and I have made TONS of compromises to do things my bf's way with regards to raising him, discipline, etc. I wish he would give me the same respect. He mocks me all the time and tells me "normal" people don't feel like I do about their animals, do certain things for that I do (like bring him with me in the vehicle when I do errands), etc.

What it comes down to is he is jealous of the dog. He got mad at me for saying "hi" to Dracko when I come in the door before him. Well, the dog RUNS to the door. A little hard to ignore. He's 90lbs.

He is a golf and hockey addict. I accept that and NEVER say he shouldn't devote so much attention to it (and it's A LOT). I wish he could just see that animals are my passion and let me live it.

TeriM
December 20th, 2006, 12:31 AM
Well I certainly count myself among the "normal" and my dogs go on errands and hang out with me all the time! Sounds like he is pretty insecure to me if he feels the need to compete with an animal totally dependant on you.

dtbmnec
December 20th, 2006, 12:48 AM
I'm sorry to hear all that...:(

I haven't got much advice for you though..

Megan

dogcatharmony
December 20th, 2006, 01:05 AM
wow I am so sorry that your b\f feels that way. My b/f was always like that with my cats. He hated that my bigcat stuck to me like glue and hated him. I always told him that he(the cat) could sense that and that is why he(the cat) hated him. I also told him that there was no way in the world i would ever part with my cats, that unconditional love was hard to come by and my animals were the only ones so far in my life that could provide that for me. He also mocked me because I gave my pets "human" names. Then I got him a pup for his birthday, now his life is changed. he not go to any family dinners his dog is not welcome to attend. He is her best friend, and sometimes I find myself sleeping on the couch because he has her in bed with him, or taking the back seat in the truck because he wants her to be able to look out the window. I really hope that you can work this out, but IMO the love of an animal is beyond anything.

Dracko
December 20th, 2006, 01:09 AM
Nice to see how your bf changed. I'm sure it amazes him, too.

Dracko follows me all over the house, as most dogs do. My bf thinks something is "wrong" with him. Tired of hearing that. He seems intent on trying to separate me and dog just cuz. Dracko sits at my feet when I'm working in my home office. Apparently, I'm supposed to "break him" of that habit. NOT GONNA HAPPEN.

erykah1310
December 20th, 2006, 03:27 AM
wow, so sorry to hear of your troubles.
Same as everyone else here , my bf was the kinda person we all insert ":frustrated: : or ":mad: " faces about but now he somehow has become a bit more like me with regards to the animals.
He too now is more willing to drain bank accounts when someone is sick and needs vet visit or surgery.:shrug: Im happy that he came around and hope that one day your situation can change.:pray:

santos
December 20th, 2006, 06:46 AM
Nice to see how your bf changed. I'm sure it amazes him, too.

Dracko follows me all over the house, as most dogs do. My bf thinks something is "wrong" with him. Tired of hearing that. He seems intent on trying to separate me and dog just cuz. Dracko sits at my feet when I'm working in my home office. Apparently, I'm supposed to "break him" of that habit. NOT GONNA HAPPEN.

that is normal, healthy behaviour for german shepherds. i have 2 and they will not let me out of their sight. they are fine when i leave them alone at home, but if i'm with them they are by my side.

i too had a girlfriend that got fed up with my bond with the dogs, good riddance.

Golden Girls
December 20th, 2006, 07:03 AM
i too had a girlfriend that got fed up with my bond with the dogs, good riddanceMy thoughts exactly :thumbs up

Mind you I think by now Dracko you at least know your not alone :) Alot of your post feels like were with the same man but mine came around a lil ... baby steps :D I'm so happy to hear though your dog comes 1st, like you said he's not giving you a choice.

chico2
December 20th, 2006, 07:22 AM
Dracko,coming from someone who's been married 41yrs(this saturday!),I believe your relationship was doomed from the beginning and you will meet someone who shares your love of animals.:fingerscr
My hubby"loves"our cats to a point,he takes them out twice a day,fills my birdfeeders every day,but still thinks I am a bit abnormal in my love and concern for ALL animals,not just mine.
He grumbles when the vetbills come in,but it does not last long,he knows it's useless:D
I can honestly say,I would never compromise my love for my animals,over a relationship with a man,he would at least have to care about our animals and their wellbeing,maybe not to the point where I am at,but still care..

Lise
December 20th, 2006, 08:23 AM
I was in a really bad relationship years ago.Gypsy was the main reason I got out,I stayed even with abuse.When he went after my dog that was the final straw I left that night and never went back.I am now with someone who loves animals as much as me.Maybe not all the same ones,but it works out.Anyone who diminishes something you love or wants you to put him before them is not worth your time.

technodoll
December 20th, 2006, 08:43 AM
i agree with what others have said... if you can make compromises to accept his son and not make him feel like you're competing for his attention, it is a sign of very poor character that he cannot do the same. He obviously doesn't love you enough to even try to overcome his insecurities and pettiness, or try to understand your love for dracko. i say point him towards the door and sayonara :mad:

my hubby loves our dogs like his babies. he feeds them, cleans up after them, walks them, gets down on the floor and plays with them, nothing is too good for our kids, they come first for everything and i pity the fool who would ever try to hurt them. now THAT is a man, they exist, and you deserve one! :thumbs up

Dracko
December 20th, 2006, 09:22 AM
I sincerely appreciate your comments. Makes me feel like I am not "wrong" to love my animals a lot. He made a comment to me yesterday that dogs were meant to be outside. Right. Dracko wouldn't have a clue what to do outside by himself all day long. I'm not saying leaving dogs outside is wrong, but why would you get a dog only to leave it alone outside?

And I agree with whoever said that for him to disrespect my feelings is wrong. I think him doing that sends me a clear message.

He will be leaving on Sunday for his parents and be gone for 3 days, I believe. It might be Christmas but I'd just as soon stay home alone with my animals than go and fake it at his parents. I will go and pick my nephew up to bring him to my place for Christmas. (I raised him through his teen years so he's more of a son to me.)

Thanks for all your words. It helps knowing there are people out there who understand how I feel.

springermom0406
December 20th, 2006, 09:34 AM
Dracko, I understand your frustration. I have had the same issues and learned early on to "weed out" the guys that don't like animals. I don't even bother going on that first date if they don't. Because I know it will lead to issues like you are having later on.

One guy I was pretty interested in. Any time I brought up the dogs he didn't say anything or would change the subject. I didn't know what to make of it. We finally decided to try a first date... that paticular night he wanted to go out the dogs had already been crated all day, I didn't want to crate them any more that night. (My springers can get wild if crated too long then I won't be able to sleep that night). So I told him maybe another night. He goes "Just tie the damn dogs up outside... who cares!" :mad: I said ok forget you.... he tries to talk to me now but I don't give him the time of day.

Anyway, point being, when you love your animals as much as you do, you have to find someone that respects that. If you don't, you're always going to have problems in your relationship. Recently I had to pull a dog into the springer rescue because the wife had got the dog and the husband hated it. :frustrated:

I say... that fish is out there in the sea somewhere. Maybe a dog event?

technodoll
December 20th, 2006, 09:39 AM
We finally decided to try a first date... that paticular night he wanted to go out the dogs had already been crated all day, I didn't want to crate them any more that night. (My springers can get wild if crated too long then I won't be able to sleep that night). So I told him maybe another night. He goes "Just tie the damn dogs up outside... who cares!"

the RIGHT man would have said "perfect then, let's all go for a walk together! what kind of treats do they like?" :thumbs up :cloud9:

mastifflover
December 20th, 2006, 11:08 AM
Drako I feel for you but I was in a relationship and he was never a big dog person but he was never mean but he would just not really bother with them. We started talking about moving in together and he said what are you going to do with the dogs? I said what do you mean and he said I am not living with dogs you will have to find a new home for them. Without missing a beat I said don't let the door hit you in the a## on the way out because I would rather live with my dogs than you. He did call thinking I would change my mind since he found someone who would take my dog. Not a chance, not interested see ya. I hope yours changes but don't bet on it. I would rather be without a man than give up my dog. He does not impose conditions on his love for me

Hunter's_owner
December 20th, 2006, 11:27 AM
I would rather be without a man than give up my dog. He does not impose conditions on his love for me

This is the same way I feel. If it ever came down to picking my dogs over a man, I would remain manless forever.:shrug:
I hope it gets better for you. Maybe this is what he needed, for you to step up and prove that the dogs come first in this sort of way.

mesaana
December 20th, 2006, 12:18 PM
One more post to say "You're right, he's wrong, bye!"

No man is worth my pets, none. My previous boyfriend had never had pets (well, except for a couple of fish) in his life. His mom didn't like hair, thought pets were dirty and on top of it, he was supposedly very allergic to cats.

Well, when he moved in with me, I had 2 cats. I made it clear at the beginning of the relationship that the cats were non-negotiable. He got it and never argued. I knew things were gonna work out when I could hear him stopping to talk to the cats when he left my apartment late at night (when I was already in bed)!

So we bought a house, I kinda forced a dog on him. He grumbled for a few weeks, then Honey became Daddy's girl. Then I forced another rescue, my rottie girl Minnie, on him, he grumbled for a short while, then he absolutely loved her. We ended up adopting another cat, not a word about that.

We ended up splitting up for other reasons, but he ended up keeping some of our pets because he was in better circumstances than I was to keep pets. I was sad but had absolutely no doubt that he would take excellent care of them. He even adopted another dog after Honey passed away and a bit before Minnie did. He's still a great petparent! And he even thanks me for introducing him to pet ownership :thumbs up

The good ones are out there (well, not him, he has married since then) and if not, well, the pets love you unconditionnally!

Kristin7
December 20th, 2006, 12:22 PM
I can relate to both sides of this somehow. I have two cats and a dog and a boyfriend who loves dogs and likes one of my cats. The other cat he doesn't like and she doesn't like him either. I would have a hard time dating someone who didn't like animals. Actually, I wouldn't or it would not last long, anyway. But the comment above about greeting the dog first made me think... My boyfriend seems to like my dog more than he likes me and it really bothers me. It doesn't help though, that he seems to like a lot of things more than he does me. I am somewhere WAAAAY down at the bottom on his list of priorities. In a situation like that the dog issue is the tip of the iceburg. If your boyfriend feels like that, I can see where he is coming from, to a certain extent. I don't know your situation really and it isn't necessarily the same. I wouldn't feel at all bad about missing the boyfriend's family Christmas, though. You didn't get enough warning time so that is his fault and you will probably have more fun if you don't go.

rainbow
December 20th, 2006, 01:05 PM
Dracko, I agree with all the others. End the relationship now and save yourself a lot of heartache. ;) Anyone who is not an animal lover does not deserve you or Dracko. :)

springermom0406
December 20th, 2006, 01:25 PM
the RIGHT man would have said "perfect then, let's all go for a walk together! what kind of treats do they like?" :thumbs up :cloud9:

EXACTLY!!! The guy was lucky I didn't punch him in his jaw. I was SO mad.

Mastiff ~ That guy sounds like a real tool. Asking you to give up your dogs ugh! I'd knock him out too.

I'm lucky to have found someone that DOES like my dogs. In fact he talks about starting some type of dog business with me lol. :angel:

Dracko
December 20th, 2006, 03:35 PM
It has been great to read your replies. Like I said, I needed reinforcement that I wasn't "a crazy animal lady" that he keeps telling me I am. I am not, just a regular everyday animal lover. My mom was the same and the cat I grew up with was spoiled rotten and lived to be 21years old. The 2 cats I got when I was 19 I had to put down when they were 17 and 18 (the second one in January of this year). It was terribly sad.

There has never been a time in my life that I do not value my animals and I would love to be with someone who shares in that love. It is partly my fault for ignoring the signs all along, of course. But I felt bullied and ended up moving in as a result. I have been miserable ever since and it is mostly about the animals (though that is not everything, of course).

I know my bf's son will miss my animals a lot. He considers them his but I will allow him to see them anytime he wants. No problem with that at all.

Right now nothing is being said between us...nothing. I am not sure if he's told his parents I am not going for Xmas. I know he saw them today. I also know they will ride his ass big time when they find out we are splitting up!

Kristin - I understand what you are saying about being jealous somewhat. I do. But in this situation I think my bf is blowing things out of proportion. It's not like I go and seek the dog out. I open the door, he comes running, I greet him, then it's over and I proceed in the house trying to find out where my bf is.

dogcatharmony
December 20th, 2006, 04:03 PM
oh dracko i wish you the best!!! I was reading the thing about greeting your dog at the door and I had to laugh. My hubby just asked me if i get angry that he kisses the dog first when he gets home. I was almost in tears, when he comes home he will actually kneel on the floor and let Zoe go nuts on him, kissing and cuddling ( oh i should say he is only home maybe eight days out of a month) I told him no it doesn't make me mad or jealous, I am just happy that you love your dog that much!!! If i could beat the dog to the door I would still let her have the first kisses.

Dracko
December 20th, 2006, 04:52 PM
And that is one thing my bf overlooks. Dracko runs and greets him at the door, too. He's more excited when it is me probably cuz he's used to just being rebuffed when it is the bf, but it's not like he only saves that excitement for me.

Skryker
December 20th, 2006, 05:40 PM
Dracko, one more person here on your side! It sounds like you've already made your decision and I'd say it gets a big :thumbs up .

My guy never even batted an eyelash when I moved in, cat and all. And he picked Fingal out when we looked at puppies (I let Bronwyn choose us :D ). There are better guys out there; one that doesn't respect your feelings isn't worth your time.

Kristin7
December 20th, 2006, 05:50 PM
My dog runs to the door to great my bf also, because he encourages it. I do not as I am afraid to create separation anxiety. I tend to not make a big deal out of leaving and entering the house. My bf does not come over except on the weekends and he does love my dog, but not as much as I do, even if it is not obvious to my dog. I am jealous of my own dog, I guess. But the reason for me is because I don't feel like my bf really cares about me very much at all. It is a long story and no, I am not 'high maintenance'. Not even close. At least he loves my dog, I guess, but I do feel like I should be higher on his priority list than my dogm, his job, etc. He doesn't seem to care very much at all. I would never stay with anyone who wanted me to get rid of my animals, with the possible exception of health reasons. To me, they should care enough to recognize and respect our love for our animals. If they don't then they don't care about us. However, I do see another side because I have a bf like I do. I know you are probably better off without him if he truly does not like animals or respect your love for yours, but if he is feeling insecure in the relationship for whatever reason, he probably resents playing second fiddle to Dracko, or feeling like he is. Maybe he doesn't mean everything he says? You of course would know if he simply does not like animals or if something else is going on. He may be saying some of these things because he feels like you don't care? Anyway, I can relate as I hope to never spend another Christmas with my bfs family and we are not talking anyway. Every conversation is an argument. So sick of it, but at the same time it is sad to feel like it is ending, esp around the holidays. I'm sorry you have to go through this right now.

Angie J
December 20th, 2006, 06:24 PM
My hubby loves animals.... but in a '"farm animal" kinda way. He certainly doesn't understand why the dogs need to be inside so much. I explain (ever so sweetly) that dogs can, yes, be outside dogs, but I wouldn't get the personality in my pets that I'm looking for if they did... Nor, would I get the level of obedience I want; He gets that.

He HATES pet hair around the house (I had a Rough Collie when we met and married, and now a Newf and Bernese)... so I promised him I would sweep and vacuume daily to make the place clean; And I do.

He will not allow the dogs in our bedroom.... but has learned that saying "out' gentley is just as affective as yelling; And, he does think it's cute when they get as close to the door jam as possible and inch their toes over the line... then their legs... then just nudge and wiggle.

He HATED cats when we first met. Now one of our kittens sleeps right across his neck! So cute! They apparently arent as discusting as he once believed..lol.

I guess we've BOTH made changes where the animals are concerned and come a little closer to middle ground, As, is the way a relationship must be to survive. Pets aren't the issue in your relationship, I think; Respect fosters compromise and love encourages someone to widen out for the sake of the other. If you took the pets away... would these troubles be gone? Never lose a part of yourself to please someone else.... if they were worthy of you they would never allow it.

Angie J

Dracko
December 20th, 2006, 07:31 PM
Angie, good point. No, if I removed Dracko it would not solve our problems. That is the only issue I am posting cuz this is a pet forum, but overall my bf thinks "his way" is the only way and I am sick to death of it regardless of the issue at hand.

Kristin, I can relate to you in regards to your relationship. Although it is uncomfortable right now since my bf isn't talking to me, I feel as though there is a light in my future. One w/o daily confrontation and arguing. Seems everything is a confrontation to him. He gets offended by so many things and is always letting go on his family. Trust me, I won't have to explain why I am leaving to them.

Frenchy
December 20th, 2006, 07:45 PM
but overall my bf thinks "his way" is the only way

I once met a guy like this ; his way or the highway, I took the highway ! :D

Angie J
December 20th, 2006, 08:25 PM
Huggs Drako

You deserve all of the love those blessed little pets give you! Believe it!

Angie J

t.pettet
December 20th, 2006, 08:38 PM
There are a few red flags about this man re: emotional abuse and from what you've said you are in such a relationship. The bf seems to be immature, controlling, does not value your feelings, undermines your self-esteem and is attempting to belittle your attachment to your dog of which he's jealous. Get in touch with your local women's shelter and they'll be very helpful is assisting you with building up your self-value through support groups. I was once involved with such a man (long time ago) and can relate to your predicament. Listen to your instincts and get him out of your life. When the time is right you'll meet a man who cherishes you enough to believe anything you do is just fine. Good luck and have a nice peaceful X-mas with your pets.

Prin
December 20th, 2006, 09:11 PM
My boyfriend seems to like my dog more than he likes me and it really bothers me. It doesn't help though, that he seems to like a lot of things more than he does me. I am somewhere WAAAAY down at the bottom on his list of priorities. Yeah, I'm at the bottom too. Sometimes it really bothers me, but I look at what I'm under, and I see that other people come first because they need more from him than I do. I'm generally a very independent person, and he gives his attention to needy people... He just has a good heart... :shrug: Not necessarily a bad thing sometimes.:o

Dracko
December 20th, 2006, 10:37 PM
There are a few red flags about this man re: emotional abuse and from what you've said you are in such a relationship. The bf seems to be immature, controlling, does not value your feelings, undermines your self-esteem and is attempting to belittle your attachment to your dog of which he's jealous. Get in touch with your local women's shelter and they'll be very helpful is assisting you with building up your self-value through support groups. I was once involved with such a man (long time ago) and can relate to your predicament. Listen to your instincts and get him out of your life. When the time is right you'll meet a man who cherishes you enough to believe anything you do is just fine. Good luck and have a nice peaceful X-mas with your pets.

You are more right than you know. I've always realized he is a bully (esp in the sense that he wants his way and tries to cajole (sp?) you in to doing things or thinking like him. A short while ago we got in to a nasty fight and he started chocking me. Red flags went up when he said "I made him do it." I knew then I would have to leave. My problem with picking up that day was the animals. I would easily just go rent a tiny place for ME if I could. My problem is I have to move to another city so I have help with my animals (I travel the province for my job). I've already discussed this with my nephew and he will be starting University next year and it would work to his advantage to live with me. He lived with me all throughout this teenage years, so he knows Dracko very well and has been missing him.

Right now I hvae to get my name off this house as it is an expensive one and I'm not sure I could qualify for a mortgage w/o getting my name off this one.

I was laying on the loveseat tonight with Smitty (my youngest kitten) and Dracko was lying on the floor beside me. THAT is what I love. Fills my heart with joy to see my animals happy and content. Dracko gets scared when there is yelling and it breaks my heart to see him try to hide under a table, etc.

I appreciate the encouragement from you guys. It is nice to know that there are others who feel like I do. While the pet thing isn't the only thing that is an issue in the relationship, it is a symptom just like all the other things are that he is not respecting me at all.

CinnaAngie
December 21st, 2006, 01:50 AM
I'm glad you are getting out of the relationship. You are much better off without him!

When I was 18, I moved out with my (then) boyfriend. He HATED cats, but I had two cats (they were kittens which a stray had given birth to in my house. It was cold, the stray was preggers, so I bribed her with treats to at least get into our warm house. I kept two of the kittens, my mom kept two and we found homes for the rest.). He wanted me to get rid of the kittens, I said no way, it's the cats or nothing, he relented and said that it was a silly reason to break up, so I could keep the cats. We had already been together for two years, and his intense hatred of cats had been hidden until that moment. He loved dogs though...

Well, about a year after living together, I found out that he was abusing my cats. He was kicking them when I wasn't home or when he thought I wasn't paying attention. And then one night when we had friends over, he threw my kitty!!! (not far, and onto a chair or something, but he still threw her!!! he said "cat's always land on their feet, so it's not a big deal. calm down") I was in university at the time, and financially dependant on him at the time, so I just yelled at him until he promised to stop (his excuse for doing it in the first place, "they're just cats"). A couple months later, I got really lucky and I was able to move out with my dad's help. There were many other problems in the relationship (also bordered on emotional abuse, lots of emotional blackmail, he told me he would kill himself if I left) and my advise is to run as quickly as you can. You never know how he is taking out his resentment of you (not to scare you! just from experience!)

As a result, my kitties are very traumatized. They still have a fear of people, especially strangers, and my brother (who lives at home as well) almost never sees them (he loves cats, and tries to give them treats daily to get them to like him), since they are particularily afraid of tall men... This was also about five years ago now, and they are still very skitterish. There are good men out there.

Kristin7
December 21st, 2006, 07:07 AM
Dracko - sounds like your man is controlling and has many signs of an abuser. It is good you are getting out before things get worse. I hope you can get your name off the mortgage and leave soon! Good luck to you.

CinnaAngie - OMG, that is a terrible story, your poor cats! My bf doesn't really like cats either, but seems to like one of mine. The other one, well, I'm not so sure he wouldn't throw or kick her if I wasn't around. She hates him.

Prin - I know what you are saying but I really think my bf doesn't care about me. I am very independent also, but I do need some attention. Otherwise I don't see the point. I don't get any, except he likes to argue with me all the time about everything. He really seems to enjoy this but I hate it. The only "affection" I get is a kiss as he walks out the door on weekends, which is the only time we spend time together. That's it, nothing else. We have been dating for about 5 years and it has been extremely rocky the entire time and I guess I'd rather be alone than be with someone who is basically sucking all my energy away and isn't worth it. I doesn't at all feel like I even have a bf. I'd rather be alone, plus, my animals love me! I am not really alone.

Mocha's mum
December 21st, 2006, 09:39 AM
Dracko,

I understand what you are going through; I've had my share of crappy relationships (one actually abused my dogs while I was at basic training :eek: ). At least you have your animals and your (and their) health and safety (I think that's all that counts).

I got lucky when I started seeing Kris. He loves dogs and tolerates cats (or so he says...I know he secretly likes them :D ). Don't give up hope, there's someone out there for everyone ;) .

meb999
December 21st, 2006, 10:20 AM
Just one more person who thinks you are doing the right thing.

GET OUT, I think the dog issue is a symptom of a much bigger problem. You deserve better. There are ALOT of amazing guys out there. Never settle.

Yeah, I'm at the bottom too. Sometimes it really bothers me, but I look at what I'm under, and I see that other people come first because they need more from him than I do.

Sorry Prin, but you should NEVER be at the bottom of your boyfriends list of priorities. NEVER.

Angie J
December 21st, 2006, 10:27 AM
Drako,

I'm one to voice my opinion in any area, for good or bad, excluding PERSONAL situations. Had you not mentioned the choking I would never give advice..... only support; Please get out of an abusive relationship ASAP.

I know your animals are a concern and who could blame you. Would you consider Fostering them out until you could get situated, if you could find willing helpers? **(( I am not suggesting giving them up))**. This is a large board and many of us have contacts all around the Country. Many of us have Fostered and love to do it.

Do you have friends who could help out in that area? Or, family?

If both of your names are on the house get a lawyer and find about how to proceed to force a sale (like in a divorce case).... Does anyone here have any legal background??

Don't think I'm just oponionated in this case; I have been there and I do understand. I would help in any way I can. (((((:grouphug: ))))

Angie J

Dracko
December 21st, 2006, 10:32 AM
Well, he officially knows I am leaving. Right now he is calm and hopefully it stays that way. I talked to our loans officer and she said that with a little tweeking the mortgage can be put in his name only. Whew...I am hoping to have that done in January as she is on holidays as of today. I'm not sure what that means yet regarding the money I put in to the house? I'm not going to assume I won't walk away with it, but I know he does want to keep the house. I'd prefer it if he wanted to sell and we both got our money out of it.

I never mentioned that he has grown to be very good with my cats. I'm sure he will miss them, esp my older one. But, tough *****. The dog comes with the deal, too, and I am tired of him yelling at him, etc.

I contacted a realtor in the city I will be relocating to this morning and I'll start looking for a house in the new year. Well, before but I think most people probably won't want to show their homes during the holidays.

And, I can honestly say I am not worried about being alone...mostly cuz I won't be since my animals will be with me. Being by myself is such a lovely thought! I have no desire to find someone who loves animals. If that were to happen, great, but right now I want to just spend time with my animals. I travel a fair amount for work, so my nephew will be there to look after the animals when I travel. Dracko loves him.

Kristin, our situations sound somewhat similar in that the relationship has erroded and what's left is the arguing. I'm not an arguer, but damn...everything has to be debated by him! So tired of that.

I am looking forward to spending Christmas with my nephew and the animals. I don't believe he has told his family yet that I will not be with them, not by the email I got today telling me what time supper will be at, that my nephew is welcome, etc... Today I am going to go buy stuff to fill up Dracko's stocking and one for the cats.:thumbs up

Dracko
December 21st, 2006, 10:38 AM
Drako,

I'm one to voice my opinion in any area, for good or bad, excluding PERSONAL situations. Had you not mentioned the choking I would never give advice..... only support; Please get out of an abusive relationship ASAP.

I know your animals are a concern and who could blame you. Would you consider Fostering them out until you could get situated, if you could find willing helpers? **(( I am not suggesting giving them up))**. This is a large board and many of us have contacts all around the Country. Many of us have Fostered and love to do it.

Do you have friends who could help out in that area? Or, family?

If both of your names are on the house get a lawyer and find about how to proceed to force a sale (like in a divorce case).... Does anyone here have any legal background??

Don't think I'm just oponionated in this case; I have been there and I do understand. I would help in any way I can. (((((:grouphug: ))))

Angie J

Sorry for the double post but we posted at the same time.

I have to admit, this is the first time in my life I have felt afraid of a man. Of someone losing their cool. What really does it for me is having him not apology but rather say it was MY fault he did what he did. I KNOW that is wrong.

We should be able to avoid each other quite a bit over the next while. In mid Jan he will be gone for 1 week to the US for work. The next week I will be gone for head office meetings in BC. I am hoping to have a place to go shortly after that. If anything goes badly, I will kennel Dracko (he hates it) and find somewhere to rent with the cats. Unfortunately I don't have any family (other than my nephew who lives in an apt that doesn't allow dogs) in the province.

jessi76
December 21st, 2006, 11:04 AM
I have to admit, this is the first time in my life I have felt afraid of a man.

he's not a MAN. he's a butt-wipe, a loser, a jerk, a psycho, etc... and should be kicked to the curb w/ the rest of the trash.

run, don't walk, away from this [insert choice word here]. and don't look back.

I'm sorry you're having to go through this, especially this time of year. but it's better to get out now, than live like this any longer. I strongly suggest you get out now, don't delay - find a trusted friend, co-worker, or ask a women's shelter about finding a safe place to stay until you are back on your feet.

Prin
December 21st, 2006, 12:32 PM
Sorry Prin, but you should NEVER be at the bottom of your boyfriends list of priorities. NEVER.I've never been at the top.:shrug: Not with any boyfriend... I always pick ones with baggage and prior commitments.:shrug:

Prin
December 21st, 2006, 12:33 PM
he's not a MAN. he's a butt-wipe, a loser, a jerk, a psycho, etc... and should be kicked to the curb w/ the rest of the trash.

run, don't walk, away from this [insert choice word here]. and don't look back. I agree! If you're afraid of your man in any way, it's time to go.

Stacer
December 21st, 2006, 01:14 PM
Add another to the list of people that say get out with your furries, the sooner the better. I can't offer any advice based on experience, but the choking and blaming it on you struck a chord. It's never your fault, that's just a cop out because the man is a coward and would rather resort to physical abuse than rationally work a problem out, IMO. Good luck with finding a new place, you'll be happier and healthier (mentally) without him. :grouphug:

Tazette
December 21st, 2006, 03:51 PM
Before putting my 2 cents worth in I have to tell you a story about my good friend who would take a dog over a boyfriend any time. She called me up last year, I asked her how her relationship was going and so told me she was still dating the guy, but absolutely not interested in him in the least. I asked her why she bothered with him at all if that was how she felt, and she told me she really loved his dog and wanted to spend as much time with him as possible. Her ultimate goal is to pay her student loans off, buy a house and adopt a few dogs...she's an awesome person.

Dracko, I have to say I feel so bad for you, I couldn't imagine what you're going through. DH and I always had a master plan when we got out of our apartment and bought a house....it was to adopt a dog, we're both passionate about dogs, and even though we could have had them in our apt, we wanted to wait until we'd have more room and a better arrangement for our furry friend.

I agree with the others in saying that your boyfriend is clearly jealous about the relationship with your animals. I also think it's very sad that he's making things so difficult for you and basically making your choose between your relationship with him and your animals when there's enough room for both. What your boyfriend may not realize is by him making it difficult, he's just pushing you away from him.....I guess he'll clue in when you move out.

Thank you for being so loving and caring of your animals. Some people would get rid of their dog or cat in a heart beat for a relationship...I'm speaking from the experience of a friend and her boyfriend, she brought her dog to the spca because her boyfriend didn't like him....not only now is she single, but she regrets the fact that she got rid of her dog.

Kristin7
December 21st, 2006, 04:53 PM
I'm glad you have a plan! Breaking up is not fun even when we know we have to do it, but I'm sure you'll be tons happier in no time. I hope he gets some counseling or something. I was afraid of a man once, a friend of mine whom I had started dating. He really changed once we became involved and in a very short period of time I realized how psycho he was. Luckily, I was in the process of moving thousands of miles away (although he was talking about moving too, yikes!) and managed to get out of it. It was over quickly but I'll never forget being scared of him. It's not something anyone should put up with. I hope things work out for you and if you need help with your animals, I bet you can find help on this board!

t.pettet
December 21st, 2006, 08:47 PM
Have you ever noticed that relationships that are not on solid ground tend to really sour around X-Mas? The men seem to really act out and vent whatever has been bugging them for the past few months. There are more domestic disputes and deranged people acting out than during a full moon. I'd hate to be a cop on duty during X-Mas.

Prin
December 21st, 2006, 10:08 PM
Yep. Men freak out around Christmas.. Not sure if it's a general thing, but I know one in particular.;) Oh, wait, two. .... :shrug:

technodoll
December 21st, 2006, 10:17 PM
Have you ever noticed that relationships that are not on solid ground tend to really sour around X-Mas? The men seem to really act out and vent whatever has been bugging them for the past few months.

yeah... i had an ex like that... there's a good reason he's an EX!! :evil: mega-jerk. when you're with the right guy though... the holiday season just brings you closer :cloud9:

Dracko
December 21st, 2006, 10:29 PM
Well, I am not sure exactly when my bf and his son leave to go to his parents...probably Saturday. I am looking forward to it. They will be gone until Wednesday about supper (when the son goes back to his mom's). I'm not sure if he will just mop around the house after that as his son will be gone until January 4th out of the country with his mom). Hopefully we will be able to avoid one another on a whole.

Today I went and bought a whole bunch of toys for the animals stockings as well as a running fountain for the cats. My youngest kitten is mesmorized by running water so I know he'll like it. I wouldn't have bought it if I was sticking around as I'm sure my bf would "hear" it running and I'd have to turn it off. God forbid something should disturb his sleep.

So, I'm excited to spend Christmas with my nephew and the animals. Santa Paws will be very good to them this year. :thumbs up

You know it's funny. After the choking incident I started to imagine him doing worse to me and I felt greatful to have Dracko with me. Unfortunately with this incident I mentioned we were in the garage and Dracko was in the house. On a whole, though, I think Dracko is afraid of him. In my office downstairs the door is no longer on the hinges and there is a hole in the wall he kicked in a while ago. Dracko was in my office when this happened and he hid under my desk. He wanted to talk to me and I was behind my door holding it closed. Guess he didn't like that and preceeded to kick it in on me. After yelling his head off he kicked the hole in the wall...not to mention throwing a glass coffee mug at the door first. As soon as he stormed out of the house I cleaned up the mess cuz I was worried about the cats getting the glass in their paws. So, I can see his anger increasing. After the chocking incident he would kill me if I ever disrespected him and spit on his again (I spit on him when he first started to chock me as there wasn't much else I could do). He is 6'1", 220lbs and I am 5'1", 120lbs.

I am not sure how I found myself in this situation. I'm 39 and should have known better. I felt bullied to sell my house and move in with him. I knew better but at the time my nephew was moving out and I needed help with my animals (cuz I travel for work quite a bit). I guess I was hoping things would be okay. That he would love me enough to accept the animals.

I am so looking forward to not being afraid to fawn all over my animals and not have to worry that I'm taking the dog with me "too much" when I do errands, etc.

And I agree that the holidays do tend to bring out the worst in some people. But, in the end, I'm glad things were pushed to this point and I was able to say, "I'm done."

Frenchy
December 21st, 2006, 11:03 PM
I am glad you made this decision. Please get out asap and in the mean time, just be careful please.:grouphug:

dustybird
December 22nd, 2006, 12:39 AM
I am sorry all this has happend to you and that it doesn't take to long to get settled. My thoughts are pretty much the same as everyone elses. For now though I would consider kenneling the pets when you have to go away even if it's at the vet's office, most of the girl's in all the vet's offices I have been to or worked in are very understanding and you don't have to tell them everything but just that things are tense and maybe even one of them will babysit in their home when you have to go away; or they might know someone else who can. I just don't trust him from what you have said so me being the paranoid one that I am wouldn't leave the pets alone with him. I don't want to give you more to worry about but just to be careful.

I have been lucky in that all the men I have dated have liked animals even the abusive jerk. They may not have liked them on the level I did but seemed to be ok with it. Even though the jerk was abusive to me and seemed to like animals I would not have entrusted them to him, since I am sure he would use them to get back at me. I know what it feels like to be afraid of a man but there are good ones out there who love their fur babies as much as we do. When the time comes you'll find one and it will probably happen when your not expecting it to. When I met my bf 11 yrs ago now it was completly unexpected, I am glad it happend. He loves our cat's as much as I do and I think he kisses them as much as I do each day, he even critiques how I make one of our cat's beds...the no she likes it better this way and doesn't bat an eye when one has to go to the vets or inquire as to how much it will/did cost just what was wrong and will it be ok.

For now I agree you need to think about you and your babies, there will always be that special someone out there and when the time is right he'll just pop up somewhere.

I wish you and your fur babies all the best and hope for a fast change of address. Keep safe, let us know how it goes and if there is anything we can do although I am in Ontario so there isn't much I can do but you are in our thoughts and please take care.:grouphug:

t.pettet
December 22nd, 2006, 10:16 PM
I second that notion, board your dog when you're away as he might do something to spite you. This guy sounds very unstable and you shouldn't trust him. My half-sister was going through a similar situation and trying to make the break-up as easy on both parties as possible when her bf took her 2dogs (chi's) to the animal shelter as soon as she left for work one a.m. She got home in the evening, (WHERE ARE THE DOGS), they got into a physical fight and the cops were called, he was charged with domestic abuse, spent the night in jail, had to find different accommodations and she took a restraining order out on him but it took her hours to track her dogs down. They were returned to her the next day at noon after the shelter realized the situation and had read the police report. The dogs were so traumatized that she ended up taking the rest of the week off of work to stay at home with them. Some guys really need psychiatric help. I wonder why I'd rather be on my own!!!

Kristin7
December 23rd, 2006, 06:19 AM
I wonder if something like that happened with my cat Annie. I got her from the Humane Society and according to her paperwork, she was turned in on Valentine's day. She was young, spayed and declawed. I know people turn in animals for all kinds of reasons, but holiday turn in has always made me wonder. Anyway, it is a good point as break ups can certainly set off an abusive type. Can you leave the cats with your cousin for awhile? At least they would be safe.

Colubridz
December 26th, 2006, 12:46 AM
I can relate as well, I'm only 17 but anyone I have ever gone out with in the past has right off the bat I'd casually ask if they owned any pets, if so were they neutered, where they walked often and so on and so forth, if they didn't have any or if they did and seemed to be responsible animal lovers as well then we'd go out but anyone with the slightest disintrest in animals was dropped. Being at that age dating in itself is confusing enough but having a whole other set of standards that non of my friends besides one who is excactly the same as me can understand is very tough and their have been many times when I have questioned If I go to over board. Ultimately though deep down I can't explain why I love my animals so much and why I enjoy their company more then I enjoy almost 80% of people I meet but if and when I do decide to settle down with someone it will have to be someone who at least respects my points of view and can try and understand it and appricate it and not feel offended if I love my pets just as much or more then them.

Kayla

mireland
December 26th, 2006, 09:30 AM
Then I got him a pup for his birthday, now his life is changed. he not go to any family dinners his dog is not welcome to attend.

Sorry - I don't agree that you can force your pets on other people and into their homes. My family has had to put up with an ill-mannered and biting dog for 7 years at family gatherings and for 2-3 days at a time. It is not your RIGHT to bring your animal.