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Air Out Some Dirty Laundry ~Help Needed

December 6th, 2006, 12:42 PM
Okay this is the last place I wanted to air this but what a better place to get a different outlook and views. My brother and SIL have anounced that they are splitting up(been going on since the summer ~ but nobody knew until now) they have been together for 9yrs, have 2 children 5 and 2 and pets. I am trying not to butt in and be a big sister but.... I have.... from day one I have told (B) that I will be looking out for the kids and him first, I don't hate my SIL and I don't want to but the more I am hearing from both I cannot just sit by and act like everything is fine and dandy. (B) tells me she wants nothing to do with him, he sleeps downstairs and she up, they can go by days without even talking or touching eachother,some days she doesn't even talk or touch the kids. SIL works outside of the home and she also has a male friend who is splitting from his wife SIL goes over there 2-3 nights a week after work 'just to talk' and doesn't come home till 1-2am she gets off work at 9. My (B) has not given up that they can still work things out he just has to be patient and she'll come around. Yesterday I babysat for them(this is the first time I have spoken with SIL since all this and I thought I should voice my opinion ~ told her I knew some of what was going on, SAid I didn't hate her but I was not happy what she is doing to my (B) or the kids, I asked if she thought it was healthy for the kids to be living like that, what are her plans etc.. this is what she told me : If I had the money in my pocket I would have already moved out, You know why I married your brother yes it was selfish, I married him to have a daughter and now that I have her I don't need him ~ WTF??? you also have a son what about him? SIL I don't know, he was never supposed to come along WTF??? And this is supposed to make me want to support you SIL left to go to work. My (B) comes to pick them up after work and he's right pissed off because of the conversation I had with SIL, he said that the had a wonderful weekend like nothing was wrong and I just set everything back to square one(my B isn't going give it) SIL told him I was very threatning, and that I told her I thought
they should move out and get their own places ~ yes I did ask her if it would be better and that's when she said about the money in her pocket, if she had such a wonderful weekend why wouldn't she have said that right at the beginning that they are trying to work it out, now my (B) is really mad at me, he also said that if we don't invite SIL to Christmas him and the kids aren't coming as well, hubby doesn't want her here, it will make things far worse if she comes (pretending like were all one big happy family ~ even though she wants nothing to do with any of us ~SIL won't take kids over to my parents or return calls, SIL and I used to talk acouple times a week and get the kids together every other week) Sorry this is so long, I just need some help, I don't know what to do ~ (B) understands we are trying to be supportive.... I just don't know:sad: :frustrated:

December 6th, 2006, 12:51 PM
my advice... stay out of it. If and when your brother comes to you for help, then get involved. in the meantime, be the bestest auntie in the world to those kids, who no doubt, will need a bit of extra love this holiday season.

December 6th, 2006, 12:53 PM
Sorry this is all so hard.

I'm not much help... but as a big sister I've found out the hard way that in matters of relationships you have to let your siblings make their mistakes. And you are there to pick up the pieces after without judgement. One of my best friends just separated from his wife. He tried to hang on to the marriage for a year but he couldn't do it and eventually came to that realization. Now he says he sees it is for the best. So much harder to deal with since kids are involved.
For Christmas, my own opinion is to have it together for those poor kids and to hang with the adults. If she doesn't want to talk or are being fake, just ignore her. (I wouldn't be getting her a gift though! Sounds like she's taking advantage enough already!) Personally I'd stay out of it as much as I could while still being there for the kids.

I'm sure that you'll make the right decision for you and your family.

December 6th, 2006, 12:55 PM
I agree. They'll just dump the whole thing on you, like they already have. It's not your fault, obviously, but they're looking to blame somebody else for their own failures.:o

December 6th, 2006, 01:29 PM
I'm sorry for this situation, but as others have said, you need to stay out of it as much as possible. No interjecting opinions, even if asked as they'll make you the villian, even if that's clearly not the case. Hang in there, and be there to support the kids (there will be fallout regardless of age) and the pets. :grouphug:

Rick C
December 6th, 2006, 01:35 PM
If having her there wrecks your Christmas, then have her stay away . . . . and your brother can decide what he wants to do. His choice. And tell him your decision is because you don't want to be in the middle.

Carol told her nephew earlier this year that she didn't want his on-again, off-again wife - now permanently off - to visit us with him after their umpteenth ridiculous reconciliation, this time after she gave him an STD. It was such a circus that it was just uncomfortable being phoney-baloney around them as they pretended to like each other so why wreck OUR day?

Also, take it from someone who came from a family where the parents "stayed together for the sake of the kids" . . . . its a stupid idea. Kids aren't dumb . . . .

My intervening thoughts. Grrrrr. . . .

Rick C

December 6th, 2006, 03:02 PM
This type of sibling crap hits so close to home for me as well, I say stay out of it and only give advice when asked. Support the kids and let your brother work through his junk with his wife on his own. If you interject too often he'll only be resentful of you in the end if they divorce even though you thought you were helping. People get emotionally crazy in these types of situations and put their blinders on, it's best to stay out of the way.

December 6th, 2006, 03:24 PM
People get emotionally crazy in these types of situations and put their blinders on, it's best to stay out of the way.

Thank you everyone so far, I knew you guys/gals were the ones to ask, makes me feel better I'm not alone, I am here to support the kids, and I said I'd take them anytime(meaning so they could have some quiet time together) SIL told my (B) I said I was going to take them, so I'm in the middle either way, after the blow up with my (B) last night he called alittle while ago to see if I would take the kids this weekend as SIL has the weekend off and she could use a break...... I haven't called him back
Yes my (B) has blinders on everyone who knows them(her friends included) she has turned her back on them, and they know better than anyone what she's like.