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blame the cat!!

November 30th, 2006, 10:18 PM
Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable because no matter how legitimate my illness, I always sense my boss thinks I am lying.

On one occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway because the truth was too humiliating to reveal.

I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on my crown.

In this case, the truth hurt. I mean it really hurt in the place men feel the most pain. The accident occurred mainly because I conceded to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty.

As the daily routine prescribes, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen. "Ed!" she hearkened, "The garbage disposal is dead. Come reset it."

"You know where the button is." I protested through the shower (pitter-patter). "Reset it yourself!"

"I am scared!" She pleaded. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?" .. . .Pause. . . . . "C'mon, it'll only take a second."

No logical assurance about how a disposal can't start itself will calm the fears of a person who suffers from "Big-ol-scary-machinephobia," a condition brought on by watching too many Stephen King movies.

It is futile to argue or explain, kind of like telling Lloyd Bentsen Americans are over-taxed. And if a poltergeist did, in fact, possess the disposal, and she was ground into round, I'd have to live with that the rest of my life.

So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping to make a statement about how her cowardly behavior was not without consequence but it was I who would suffer.

I crouched down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing. It struck without warning, without respect to my circumstances. Nay, it wasn't a hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, clawing playfully at the dangling objects she spied between my legs.

She ("Buttons" aka "the Grater") had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I took the bait under the sink. At precisely the second I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws.

Now when men feel pain or even sense danger anywhere close to their masculine region, they lose all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements. Instinctively, their nerves compel the body to contort inwardly, while rising upwardly at a violent rate of speed.

Not even a well trained monk could calmly stand with his groin supporting the full weight of a kitten and rectify the situation in a step-by-step procedure. Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome; men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option.

Fleeing straight up, I knew at that moment how a cat feels when it is alarmed. It was a dismal irony. But, whereas cats seek great heights to escape, I never made it that far. The sink and cabinet bluntly impeded my ascent; the impact knocked me out cold.

When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics snorted as they tried to conduct their work while suppressing their hysterical laughter. My wife told me I should be flattered.

At the office, colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk. "What's the matter, cat got your tongue?"

If they had only known.

November 30th, 2006, 11:24 PM
Poor mans...:D

December 1st, 2006, 12:05 AM
TD I trust the hubby read this??:evil:

and i'm pretty sure there'll never be a cat in your home either hehe

December 1st, 2006, 08:35 AM
oh man! i read that story years ago and laughed as hard :D the obvious solution is not to get the cat declawed, but to neuter the husband :evil: right? :D

December 1st, 2006, 08:38 AM
of course!!

December 1st, 2006, 09:28 AM
thanks for the laugh this morning

December 1st, 2006, 11:39 AM
oh man! i read that story years ago and laughed as hard :D the obvious solution is not to get the cat declawed, but to neuter the husband :evil: right? :D

Oh my gosh! Who the heck came up with that idea!?!?...For cripes sake...

But seeing as this this forum is mostly run by females, I guess I can't oppose to anything here...:shrug:

December 1st, 2006, 11:40 AM bet is to nod and smile:D :evil:

December 1st, 2006, 11:47 AM
hunterXhunter... it really was a joke :D i like my man "intact"! LOL

December 1st, 2006, 12:03 PM
:) *nods* :)

December 2nd, 2006, 08:49 PM
omg, I am sooo sorry this happened to you! <with tears rolling down my face from laughter> My poor hubby is cringing with you I think. :eek: lol

December 2nd, 2006, 09:14 PM
LOL this didn't happen to Td's hubby.

December 2nd, 2006, 10:23 PM
LOL this didn't happen to Td's hubby.

Ohh... ahem, well then, I dont know much about TD, so I just assumed. :o It was a funny story though... :D

December 3rd, 2006, 12:33 AM
oh my! i just read this story and "shared it"... i do wish i knew who the author was though! :D had this happened to hubby... yeah, first scream like a girl, then faint, then take extended medical leave! LMAO! :D

December 3rd, 2006, 02:23 PM
Too funny, I laughed till I cried - but it makes it that much harder for me to persuade Lewis that Dani and Sheba NEED a kitty-friend :dog: :cat: :dog:

Then again, he did conceed yesterday ... once we get a house I'm allowed a cat! If I didn't already want the house, I do now, lol.

December 3rd, 2006, 03:50 PM
You have to make it 2 cats,2 dogs,2 cats:thumbs up