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Dear pets

November 28th, 2006, 09:01 AM
> To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door at nose height.
> Dear Dogs and Cats,
> The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The
> other dishes are mine and contain my
> food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate of food
> does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and
> dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
> The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating
> me to the bottom is not the object.
> Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.
> I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry
> about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure
> your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they
> sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other
> stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking
> tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to
> maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.
> For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by
> some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not
> necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw
> under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the
> same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years
> --canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.
> the proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I
> cannot stress this enough!

> To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our
> front door:
> To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets
> 1. They live here. You don't.
> 2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.
> (That's why they call it "fur"niture.)
> 3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
> 4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who
> is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.
> Remember: Dogs and cats are better than kids because they:
> 1. Eat less
> 2. Don't ask for money all the time
> 3 Are easier to train
> 4. Usually (I said usually) come when called
> 5. Never drive your car
> 6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends
> 7. Don't smoke or drink
> 8. Don't worry about having to buy the latest fashions
> 9. Don't wear your clothes
> 10. Don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and
> 11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children.

November 28th, 2006, 10:05 AM
Seen it before but still makes me chuckle and sooo true