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Ex-Spouse moves on and I'm weirded out; anyone else?

dogmelissa
June 28th, 2006, 03:58 PM
I got married young and was naive about the promises he made. We divorced only 5 months after we married. That was spring 2003. I had to contact him yesterday to change information on the ownership of cats that we co-owned while we were together (I have 2, he has one, and yes I should have done this long ago but forgot), and his response (refusal because I didn't sugar coat my request) made me angry. For some un-known reason, I hit the internet and ended up finding out that he got re-married in April 2004, and from what I can tell, they're still together. I have no idea if they have any children or not (we didn't).

I know it's irrational, but I'm really upset by this. I'm angry that I'm still single (though living with my bf who I love!), angry that he found someone so quickly, angry that he's moved on, depressed by all of the same reasons, and generally feeling crappy about the whole thing. I'm frustrated that I'm not as "over" him as I thought I was. I'm pretty sure now that I didn't love him as much as was needed to make a marriage work, but the reverse is also true; he didn't love me enough to do things to make me happy and keep me around and that makes me feel like there's something wrong with me. He was very angry when we split (to be understood considering I found physical solace for my unhappy marriage elsewhere), and turned to the church for comfort (he wasn't religious before). I, being non-religious, turned to the 2 remaining cats I had--who were kenneled for 3 months while I finished school and tried to get an independent life going--and found the best support I've ever had in them. But since then, he's found a new wife and I've found 2 additional pets. It just doesn't seem fair. He got the family that I wanted.

I don't know what I'm really writing this for... getting it out there doesn't make it any less yucky-feeling inside me. Maybe someone has some coping strategies or worldy wisdom to share. Or some cold noses to push into my neck to make me feel better. Or maybe I'm not the only person in the world who feels this way when their ex-spouse moves on before they do?

Thanks for reading.
Melissa

Prin
June 28th, 2006, 05:24 PM
I hear what you're saying. Men are different. They get over things differently than women do. For you it was spending time alone and rediscovering yourself, while for him it was latching on to the next woman who would have him and take care of him for him...

Just focus on you. You already broke up with him because that marriage was not what you wanted for yourself- she has that now, yes, but you didn't want it. She's got your used goods.;)

dogmelissa
June 28th, 2006, 05:29 PM
Thanks, Prin, that makes it feel a little better. The other side of it is true, too, that someone else will end up with his used goods (aka me), but I'm looking at that one as "one man's trash is another man's treasure"... and he really did treat me like trash, or at least like I wasn't worth keeping around.

Melissa

Prin
June 28th, 2006, 05:30 PM
Some girls need to be treated like crap to stay around and some have standards.:)

papillonmama
June 28th, 2006, 07:04 PM
Heyyy,

I think you are being way too hard on yourself, you are not used goods nor are you one man's trash.
I just want to say, I don't usually get involved with these sort things 'cause I have my own problems I have yet to solve and don't feel qualified, but I seriously see that this man has had a very harsh affect on you. I've been in those relationships where my man treated me like garbage, but it doesn't make you that, it makes him trash. Anyone who has to make someone feel small so that they can feel good is not worth you worrying about. Just think of bullies in the playground, all that hot air just so they can feel better about themselves, why? probably because they didn't get enough hugs as a kid. What he tried to make you and what you are are two very different things. You are happy in a relationship now and that's what counts, maybe the fact that you didn't throw yourself back into marriage makes you far more responsible than he.
We see the stars in the news all getting married and pictures of their happy families, oh woops, now they're divorced. I really don't think that you should feel bad about not getting married so quickly after your divorce, I think you should be proud that you were able to get out of a bad relationship and not hop into another bad or worse one.

Way to go sister.

Don't let him make you feel bad, he's not worth it, as you've already found out.:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

Frenchy
June 28th, 2006, 08:17 PM
dogmelissa,so your ex is married,so what?Do you really believe he has it better than you?Maybe not.Maybe he has relationship problems that you don't know,maybe his wife is an awfull cook,maybe the kids (if he has kids) are brats,maybe they're having money problems,health problems...you see where I'm getting at.You have a bf and you love him,cats that you love,take comfort in what YOU have.:thumbs up

nuttinfluffer
June 28th, 2006, 09:05 PM
I got married young and was naive and divorced only 5 months after we married. That was spring 2003.

He was very angry when we split (to be understood considering I found physical solace for my unhappy marriage elsewhere)



There's no point in crying over spilt milk - considering you're the one who spilt it! I have no sympathy for someone who cheats on their spouse and considering your marriage only lasted 5 months it doesn't say much for you.

I hope your EX is happy and obviously if he's still married 2 years later - she must be doing something right :cool:

technodoll
June 28th, 2006, 09:10 PM
I'm angry that I'm still single (though living with my bf who I love!),

i'm also confused by this statement of yours - you're either single and mad about it, or living with your BF whom you love, which is it? :confused:

girl, you need to build a bridge and get over it. don't waste your life being mad at someone else's happiness, happiness you never wanted with that person anyways (you did cheat, right?..). focus on the here and the now, and be happy for every day you have on this earth. i'm sure your ex is doing just that. :pawprint:

Prin
June 28th, 2006, 09:55 PM
wow you guys are harsh...:o I guess because I have friends who have cheated before, I can see the other side of it.

I think if you ever do want to be happy and committed to somebody, you have to get therapy though. Like technodoll pointed out, you seem to want to be single and committed at the same time, which is not uncommon, but still won't work. I think therapy would really help you get over the whole "wanting things you can't have" thing...

Frenchy
June 29th, 2006, 12:32 PM
you're lucky I'm french and I didn't know that physical solace meant cheating!My answer would have been a bit more :evil:

Prin
June 29th, 2006, 01:07 PM
you're lucky I'm french and I didn't know that physical solace meant cheating!My answer would have been a bit more :evil:
lol I missed that too... I thought it meant going to the gym or rock climbing or something (I have to read more carefully...).:D

jawert1
June 29th, 2006, 01:27 PM
I think on some level it's natural to be like "WTF?? Where do you get off being happy??? You were supposed to die miserable and alone and wishing I was in your life!" However, that emotion *cannot* be allowed to derail your current relationship and happiness, which I worry that it might be doing. You have a b/f, 2 cats and what would appear to be plenty of good stuff. Move on past this snit, don't look back, you made a choice and don't dwell.

LianneCatherine
June 29th, 2006, 01:57 PM
:sorry: What you're going through is rough, but completely natural. You said you wish you were more "over" him, but you really are. Just because you feel resentment that he's remarried and possibly happy, doesn't make you any less over him. We like to think that we make a big impression on people and that it should take them a long time to get over us. Prin was right, men are different and they NEED a woman to take care of them (as many are completely helpless without us!), so they will find the next "victim" and carry on.

About the cheating issue...everyone likes to put themselves on a pedestool and say "oh no you cheated! You deserve what you get!" but the truth is that given the right circumstance ANYONE and EVERYONE is capable of cheating. So, that part of it shouldn't even factor in here. Your relationship didn't work, bottom line. So, you move on like you have, and put your best foot forward.

Sometimes you can't help wishing ill on others :evil: but try and let this thing with your ex go. Instead of feeling resentful, feel relieved that you don't have to deal with him anymore!

Buck up sister! :D

CyberKitten
June 29th, 2006, 02:11 PM
I understand what you are saying but try not to dwell on it. You don't know for a fact his life is better - and everyone reacts to breakups differently. I know when I divorced, we left on happy terms but I still really do not care for his wife - tho they live far from me so that helps, lol (I prob might like her better if she was not married to him but maybe not, who knows?).

Try to invest yourself in your current relationship and it is great you have one. However, you might try talking to a professional about your feelings just to make sure you are coping with the trauma of the divorce well enough.

Try to emphasize the good things in your life right now and you have much to be thankful for, cats, your bf, I am assuming you are healthy! Don't waste time thinking about him!! He's history and you are better off for it!

dogmelissa
June 29th, 2006, 06:54 PM
i'm also confused by this statement of yours - you're either single and mad about it, or living with your BF whom you love, which is it? :confused:


In the categories the government allows me to pick, I'm neither single nor common-law (we've only lived together 6 months and in alberta it's a year before common-law status)... I'm "divorced". I'm living with my bf, who I love. But in the eyes of the law and the rest of the world, I'm single. I hate that I have to carry that tag. I've gotten very tired of people asking what my marital status is and me saying divorced and them being shocked because of my age.

And yes, I cheated... but I'm sure there's many others of you out there who would have done the same thing if you were married to a man who had promised to change something (whatever issue it was at the time) at the next "event" in your life. I was young and stupid and believed him when he said that he'd change "when we get engaged"... then "when we get married"... then "when we have kids".... I didn't know what else to do! Was stupid and maybe thought that if I could find a way to be happy being married to him, then when we had kids he actually *would* change? Well, it doesn't matter now anyways. Hate me if you want, but what's done can't be undone.

The reasons for the divorce aren't up for discussion here, I was simply asking if it's normal to feel resentful that he got re-married much faster than I expected.
Melissa

dogmelissa
June 29th, 2006, 07:07 PM
We like to think that we make a big impression on people and that it should take them a long time to get over us. Prin was right, men are different and they NEED a woman to take care of them (as many are completely helpless without us!), so they will find the next "victim" and carry on.

Yes and yes... even though I know it's unlikely to be true, I did hope that the 5 yrs we spent together, and the fact that it was both of our first marriages, would have left a little more of an impression than could have been erased in a year.

About the cheating issue...everyone likes to put themselves on a pedestool and say "oh no you cheated! You deserve what you get!" but the truth is that given the right circumstance ANYONE and EVERYONE is capable of cheating. So, that part of it shouldn't even factor in here. Your relationship didn't work, bottom line. So, you move on like you have, and put your best foot forward.

Thank you. Been trying to put my best foot forward, but I've also done so with a lot of honesty to everyone who needs to know the real reasons behind my divorce. I'm not about to tell the income-tax guy why, but the guys I've dated since, good friends who weren't around at the time, etc... they all know, and though most of them were shocked (if you knew me you'd know it's not really in my nature to cheat!), they all understood or at least accepted that I've learned a very valuable lesson and have grown up since.
My current bf has had a few moments where he didn't trust me, which I totally understood, but since we moved in together, he hasn't questioned it at all. He now understands that I'm 100% committed to him and only him and that if a situation arises where I'm faced with the same decision, I will talk to him about it, and if I'm really that unhappy, we will go our seperate ways.

Sometimes you can't help wishing ill on others :evil: but try and let this thing with your ex go. Instead of feeling resentful, feel relieved that you don't have to deal with him anymore!
Buck up sister! :D

99% of the time I do feel relieved that I'm not with him anymore. For a long time, I had that feeling every time I got in the car (he prevented me from getting my driver's license) and drove myself somewhere. Now most of those really sharp feelings have faded. I don't really feel a lot of anything towards him. But this situation just made me really angry. Maybe it's because I'm having a week where I really have been having to defend important things in my life (like my opinion on declawing, which someone compared to my opinon on the colour of their front door), and then when he (ex) said that the cats weren't important cause they aren't human, I just lost it.

Anyways... I'm feeling better now, thanks to the positive comments, hugs and help here, along with some comfort from my bf and him reinforcing how important I am in his life.. and some quality time with my furry ones, who can't really tell me, but I'm sure they're happy they don't have to live with him, either. I know my dog would never have liked him.

Thanks guys!
Melissa

Jackie467
June 29th, 2006, 10:34 PM
I just wanted to say I understand how you feel. You can be over him but still be angry. I had a guy that I was going to marry and found that he was cheating on me big time (and I would have given my life for him), with at least (that I know of) 5 other women and not only that but with my cousins wife (just found this out). I left him, then shortly after he got married. I was so angry that after how terrible he treated me he got to be happy and married first. It just didn't seem fair. But about a month after he got married I found out he was getting a divorce because she was cheating on him. It sounds terrible :evil: but I was happy that karma came back to bite him. I guess my point is that it's ok to feel angry that he got married first, remember that karma does exist so he may not be as happy as you think.

nuttinfluffer
June 30th, 2006, 08:35 PM
The reasons for the divorce aren't up for discussion here

And yes, I cheated... but I'm sure there's many others of you out there who would have done the same thing if you were married to a man who had promised to change something (whatever issue it was at the time) at the next "event" in your life.


You're the one who brought up the subject on a public form:rolleyes:

Oh give me a break...that is one sorry excuse for cheating. Hopefully you've ironed out your issues over your failed marriage - gone for some badly needed professional counselling - and are in a healthy, trusting, relationship with your BF :)

Prin
June 30th, 2006, 09:05 PM
Wow, I don't get why you put in the effort to come in here, read the posts and then post a harsh criticism. :confused: What happened to "if you have nothing nice to say..." etc etc? I think we all ask for support once in a while and somehow I don't think we post with the hope of getting bashed or judged, especially not on personal issues. Yes, it is unfortunate for the man that she cheated, but we're not talking to the man here. We're talking to a woman, who came here because she was feeling crappy already.

btw, there is always a good enough reason to cheat. It all depends on whether you're looking for it or not.

Shamrock
July 1st, 2006, 02:53 PM
You're the one who brought up the subject on a public form:rolleyes:

Oh give me a break...that is one sorry excuse for cheating. Hopefully you've ironed out your issues over your failed marriage - gone for some badly needed professional counselling - and are in a healthy, trusting, relationship with your BF :)


hmmm.. maybe this is why so many people lurk....


The "subject" was in regards to post-relationship feelings.
Marital infidelity was mentioned as background info only.

Your rush to judgement seems rather narrow-minded and uncalled for.
We dont know the people.. we dont know the circumstances.

And.. most importantly.. no one was asking.

Also.. cheating doesnt necessarily indicate one must be requiring professional counselling.. "badly needed" or otherwise.
Again, it would depend on the individual personal circumstances.

To address the question at hand.. I agree these feelings are perfectly normal and natural. Reading your post.. The movie "When Harry met Sally" came to mind. It's human nature to have some ambivalent feelings about another filling a role that once was ours... even if we have no desire to return to it.

dogmelissa
July 4th, 2006, 07:39 PM
Nuttinfluffer,
The smiley faces and winks don't make your comments any less hurtful. I wasn't asking people to judge *my* actions or decisions. I'm not denying that the divorce was my fault, directly. Despite what I did, and I know you won't understand this, I did love him and I did do what I could to make him happy. He, however, didn't do what he could to make me happy. I got stuck in a situation that I didn't see any way out of. The sweetest dog in the world will bite if threatened and it can't see an escape route.

Regardless, I checked in the Pets.ca forum rules and found this: "Respond with kindness or do not respond at all. Rudeness from newer or older members will not be tolerated and may result in the member being removed without warning."

I'm not normally a vengeful person, but I have reported you to the moderators. I came here looking for support and help moving on, and your post made me feel like I'd taken steps backwards in that process.
I posted *this* response publicly so that people who actually do support me would know that I'm not going to lay down and take a beating, especially from a person who is obviously so closed-minded and judgemental as you are.

Melissa

PS: While camping on the weekend, I found some time to heal and think I may have sparked a few tiny fires which will get that bridge burning... hopefully I'll soon be able to see a full-page ad that my ex-husband and his perfect family won the biggest and best award imaginable and not be upset by it--not that that would ever happen! Thanks to those who supported and comforted me, here and in PMs.

mona_b
July 4th, 2006, 08:10 PM
The only advice I can give is let it go.The past is the past.He went on with his life.Big deal.You cheated and cheated for a reason.If the marriage was going no where,then you could have left...Sorry if I sound harsh..But maybe I have a reason.I went through this 3 times.And no it was not me who cheated.And I just got out of a common-law relationship.I'm not going to get into it,but lets just say he didn't change.So guess what?I didn't stay.What for?Do I care if he unds up with someone else,gets married,has kids?I don't think so.Why,cause I know how he is and I'm sure he will do the same to her.Oh,and I do think that some things done on the computer is cheating.But I won't get into that...:)

You have a man in your life that loves you,and you love him.Is that not enough?So what if your still considered single.If they ask your marital status,just smile and say you have a live-in BF..:)

Go forward in your life,not backwards.Be happy with who you have now.I'm sure he would be very hurt if he knew how you were feeling about the ex.And I really hope you haven't shared this with him.

Go on with you life.

I live by the saying"what doesn't kill you makes you stronger"..Cause I tell you,with my childhood,my job,and relationships,it has made me a stronger person....:)

dogmelissa
July 5th, 2006, 01:02 PM
I went through this 3 times.And no it was not me who cheated.

If they ask your marital status,just smile and say you have a live-in BF..:)

I'm sure he would be very hurt if he knew how you were feeling about the ex.And I really hope you haven't shared this with him.



When you're young and naive, and pretty convinced you're in love, you tend to not know how to deal with things. I made a bad choice, as far as society goes. However, I've learned from that mistake and won't be getting caught in that situation again. Mona, not to be rude, but there's that saying "fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me"... and you've been through a cheating relationship 3 times? Sounds like you need to change the kind of people you're attracted to.

A live-in bf is not a government-accepted marital status. We're not common-law, and the places that I'm entering my marital status are on government-type forms (for health insurance, registration, etc), and they don't include a place for "live-in significant other". Smiles don't change that. I'm bothered by the tag I have to carry, and that's just life. I'll get over it eventually. 95% of the time, it doesn't bother me, I just check the appropriate box and move on. Good people don't judge me for it.

As for not sharing things with my current bf.... you're very wrong there. He deserves and needs to know each and every time I have a lingering feeling or thought (whether good or bad) about a person from my past, especially my ex-husband. As soon as I realized the whole situation bothered me, I sent him a message (love the instant messengers!), and we talked about it. Whether or not he was hurt, I don't know. I doubt it, because it's not like I was saying I wanted to go back to the ex, just that his current status bothered me. We talked about it and he gave me a big hug and told me he loved me and that he'd be there for me if I needed anything else. If I didn't share things like this with him, then we wouldn't have the kind of trust that relationships take to survive. We talk about everything and have a very honest and trusting relationship. If we didn't talk, I'd be back in the same kind of relationship I had with my ex-husband, where even the simplest conversations about our day weren't had. I've been in a situation where I had to find support and comfort from others other than the one who is supposed to love me, and look what happened! Do you honestly think I want to repeat that?? No. And so I share things, even if they make him angry or sad, with my bf.

Melissa

badger
July 5th, 2006, 01:38 PM
You've had to work hard - and are still working hard - for your happiness, and it seems as if he hasn't: I believe that is what is at the core of this feeling. Although this board is overflowing with wisdom :), I think you would really benefit from some talk therapy, even if it was only for a few sessions. The thing about a professional therapist is that you are completely free to express yourself without having to protect anyone else, or even yourself. Even a few sessions would help you to disarm. Have you noticed that your ex isn't suffering right now, you are. How fair is that?

dogmelissa
July 6th, 2006, 06:49 PM
Thanks badger... though I think I've come a long ways in my healing, as I can take the negative comments and still find a positive out of them. There was enough support and people suggesting that he might not be as happy as I think to make me feel much better about the whole thing.
And I have pets for a reason; free talk therapy!! They still love me--and better yet, comfort me with cuddles--no matter how much I bash my ex-husband. Their presence alone, and the fact that they still meet me at the door at the end of the day, is enough to make me happy. The ex may have one of our kitties, and she was a good kitty, but he doesn't have the love and support that I do in my house-hold of furry ones.

I have a friend who told me that if the ex insists on being co-owner of the cats, then I should present him with half the vet bills. That's not really the big issue at the moment, though it is tempting.

I think that this thread can probably be locked now, as I've gotten what I needed out of it, and don't need any more harrassment about it.

Thanks all!
Melissa