Pets.ca - Pet forum for dogs cats and humans 

-->

What to do? Really confused! ( LONG)

erykah1310
May 17th, 2006, 11:00 PM
Hey everyone, this is a REALLY off topic subject and well its been eating away at me for a while now ( Since September to be exact)
I have fallen for someone else, I have a bf now and well things arent exactly what you would call good around here, he is kinda controlling possesive and a compulsive liar along with many other things, we have been together for 5 years this june. Things between us never really were that great but I was always ready to sacrifice and fight to make it work out with us. Well lately I have lost all patience. He works out of town monday through friday which gives me alot of time to do my own things. Come Friday however i just cant wait till monday comes again so I can be alone.
I have unexpectidly fallen for my highschool best bud. We have been talking alot again ( something i gave up for the sake of argument when i met my b/f)
Icant stop thinking of him and i cant stop smiling when we see each other, its so profound. I never saw it, but all my friends have said that they could always tell i had feelings for him, FOR THE LAST 10 YEARS:eek: I didnt notice it, but there was alot of things that have been pointed out to me that make so much sence now.
Back in September at a friend of ours s wedding, we had a heart to heart and he told me how he felt about me. It has been eating away at my subconsious ever since. I cant sleep, I cant eat, I always have headaches now and so on.

The thought of me and him has consumed me lately and I am starting to lose sanity. I know that the obvious thing to do with all the feelings i have would be to leave the situation i am in now ( which is not a happy one) and seek happiness, even if not with my bud. ITs so hard though.
Idont want to end up regretting not taking charge of the situation and never knowing if it was " meant to be" or not. ( Im not a fan on fate)

I cant deal with this alone anymore and well freinds are great to state the obvious but I would like to hear some opionion from strangers.
Thanks for reading and ALL suggestions would be greatly appreciated
Sorry its so long but I really needed to talk about this!!!:o

lilith_rizel
May 17th, 2006, 11:08 PM
If *I* was in that situation. I would leave. You don't seem happy with who you are currently with. And you and your bud both have feelings for each other.

Melei'sMom
May 17th, 2006, 11:24 PM
So let me get this straight. your bf of 5 years is a miserable sob who is making your life h*ll and this great guy who cares about you wants to make you happy right?

My Advice to you...

Don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out

and good luck! follow your bliss hun.

erykah1310
May 17th, 2006, 11:28 PM
Lol good way to put it, I want to keep the house though, its my home town that we live in and he hates it here. Thats whats gonna be hard, he wont leave, we have argued ALOT and well he wont go! I have packed his S*** a few times but he just lives outta garbage bags and stays here, Its hard too with all my pets, I WOULD NEVER get rid of any of them!!! Thats why i want to stay here too.

Copper'sMom
May 18th, 2006, 12:34 AM
Wow! Your situation is alot like mine, except I haven't met anyone else - but I too, am tired of trying to make it work when it's never been that good from the beginning.
I am planning to leave. As soon as my financial situation:fingerscr looks better. I can't live with anyone for the time being as I have to many pets - and I won't give any up. I'll stay and be unhappy with him, but happy that I have my babies!

So my advice - Get him outta there!!!!!! If you need a restraining order, get one. CHANGE THE LOCKS!!!! This way he can't get in, and if he does well let the law take care of him! Good luck to ya!!:grouphug:

Prin
May 18th, 2006, 01:20 AM
I agree! This is your only life- may as well try to make it have a fairy tale ending...

One of my friends had one of those guys who we all knew was right for her and she never listened to us. This summer, she's marrying him.:)

Good luck!

erykah1310
May 18th, 2006, 01:25 AM
One of my friends had one of those guys who we all knew was right for her and she never listened to us. This summer, she's marrying him.
Its funny cause my mom (all drunk i have to add) at my cousins wedding 7 years ago, was walking around telling everyone " This is going to be my future son in law" At the time i asked her " which daughter is gonna marry him?" ( Im an only child :o )

I am planning to leave. As soon as my financial situation looks better. I can't live with anyone for the time being as I have to many pets - and I won't give any up
Its hard !!! I have been waiting for my financial situation to get better for 2 years now! ITs not happening, I still work construction and its seasonal! I want a full time year round job, but all i know is construction :(

Ireally have to congratulate any woman who was ever in an abusive relationship ( physically ) and left!!!! I cant even begin to imagine how hard that is to do!!! This is hard enough, and its mental abuse ( IMO)

Copper'sMom
May 18th, 2006, 01:37 AM
Its hard !!! I have been waiting for my financial situation to get better for 2 years now! ITs not happening, I still work construction and its seasonal! I want a full time year round job, but all i know is construction

You can do anything you put your mind to!! I've never made more than $10.00/hour and that isn't enough to survive on your own. I've done everything from working at Tim Hortons to tobacco - driving tow truck to factory work. My factory work was always thru a temp agency so i never made much $$. I was working with my bf at his business(tranny shop) until we were barely making enough to make ends meet and that's when I said, "I'm going to get a real paying job." Went thru a temp agency, and now I'm possibly going to be hired on full time(after 6 months there!). I'll be going from $9.50 up to $18.00/hour! **IF** they hire me on!:fingerscr :fingerscr

Temp agencies are good when you need a job quick!

mummummum
May 18th, 2006, 01:43 AM
If you end your relationship - end it because you are doing it for you. Not because your BF has major character flaws. Not because your BF no longer makes you happy - or never did. And especially NOT because you may be in love with someone else.

If you are going to end your relationship be clear in your mind it is because you no longer have an emotional investment in that relationship and to sustain it is to live a lie. Be clear in your heart there is no longer a relationship between you and your BF, only a series of social obligations and financial arrangements.

Severing those obligations and arrangements may require you to seek a neutral third party for assistance in making the transition as amicable and as smooth as possible for him - either legal counsel, a family mediator or a family counsellor who specializes in "separation and divorce". (That is - if you want to keep the house and don't want him lurking about living out of green garbage bags....;) )

Falling in love - as you note - has an all-consuming way of clouding one's head and heart. Be clear that in ending this relationship you are fully prepared to be alone and will be a happier and complete person if that comes to pass.

A life without love is a life unlived - true love is worth a risk.

erykah1310
May 18th, 2006, 01:54 AM
Be clear that in ending this relationship you are fully prepared to be alone and will be a happier and complete person if that comes to pass.

This is what truely scares the begeesers out of me! I am basically still rebounding from a relationship from 8 years ago, I havent been single, I developed into a "climber" (nothing I am proud of) I WONT let go with one hand untill i have something in the other.
Iknow i have to "fall" if i dont im going to be doing everything for all the WRONG reasons!
This is going to sound absolutely rediculous adn I am aware of the kind of person this makes me look like but... The transition period from my ex to my current situation was a whopping HALF AN HOUR!!! ( How pathetic is that??)

Before i consider another relationship i want to know I can live on my own, and survive! During our conversation in September I said I had to do this, and he said " Go home, figure your sh** out and let me know, Im not going anywhere" Those words have been running thru my head since then!

I almost feel cowardly!

Be clear in your heart there is no longer a relationship between you and your BF, only a series of social obligations and financial arrangements.

You worded it perfectly there! Thats exactly what it has become!

Kerrye
May 18th, 2006, 08:31 AM
Hi

I know exactly what you are talking about. I have been married and divorced twice. I ended up marrying the same man but in different bodies. Both were extremely controlling and possessive. They basically felt that they owned me. Needless to say I woke up and stopped the abuse. I know its hard to do but really you will be doing the best thing. Don't let someone own you. Now I do what I want, when I want. It really isn't difficult being independent. And if you can't get your head around the fact that you are being abused try councelling. I does work - even if you go for one visit.

Lucky Rescue
May 18th, 2006, 09:58 AM
This life is not a test run. This is it - it's all we get. Staying with an abusive man who makes you miserable for financial reasons is something you will bitterly regret wasting your life on.

If there is happiness to be found, you better take it.

mastifflover
May 18th, 2006, 10:01 AM
Change the locks and tell him he no longer lives there and he can make arrangements with you to get his stuff. Have someone there when he comes to get his *****, for your own safety. But bottom line is he is a big loser and treats you like dirt. You need to have more respect for yourself. If you have to live in a cheap place maybe not to your standards but away from this loser do it. It will only get worse as time goes by. He is not going to change.

OntarioGreys
May 18th, 2006, 11:45 AM
Once you have lived common-in-law a little together more than 6 months in the eyes of the law it is considered a marriage and same rules apply, which means a 50/50 split of jointly owned assets and income, if you make more than him you could be paying alimony and don't think just because the house is in your name, that it is safe, because in a court of law it is consider joint property now. If you are really, really lucky he will not seek legal council to learn what his rights are and you can toss him to the curb without loosing your home in the process.

I learned this when I split up with my ex-common-in-law as I needed a lawyer to transfer a jointly owned home into my name only, we had bought the house a year before but house prices had fell so to sell would have meant a loss, I was the higher wage earner so just made enough to refinance in my name, but the lawyer warned me that if he seeked help himself, I could get stuck paying alimony and having to give him part of my future pension, so I made sure he was happy with the split, and gave him the mobile home which was paid in full with the season paid, and paid all his insurance plus split the furnishings, it cost me a lot but it protected my income and allowed me at the same time to keep the house, if I didn't I would have had to sell the house because my income would not have been enough to finance it, and everything else would have been sold to pay the debt on the mortgage plus I would have had to pay him a $150 or more a month in alimony so the losses to me would have been lot greater over a lot longer term.

That little lesson sure has made me a lot wiser and think a lot more before considering getting into another realtionship. If I need financial help to make ends meet I will take in a boarder/renter before a live in boyfriend unless I am feeling 100% sure of a lifelong commitment and if I am not 100% sure any boyfriends will have their own seperate address, and thank goodness for that because that fear of loosing everything kept me from making another mistake a couple of years ago. Most of the guys I have dated have had lower incomes and their homes have had a lower property value so I would have been the loser had things not worked out and if we had went to court to settle.


But as someone else said if you are going to leave don't do it for another man do it for yourself, and live single for a while with a paying boarder if necessary and date for a year or so before decide if you want to commit

erykah1310
May 18th, 2006, 01:30 PM
We rent this house, and there is intention to buy, but my dad is prolly going to buy it and let me rent to own from him. As far as cheap... I pay under $500 a month to live here, the boarder thing is a great idea. THanks

I also dont have any intentions on rushing into something really serious for a while. I know i just have to get my A$$ in gear and get moving!!! Thanks everyone, alot of good points This life is not a test run. This is it - it's all we get.
That really opened my eyes!!! Thanks LR.
As far as half and half! I have no problem with that, I told him last weekend to take what ever the **** he wanted because no material object was worth living like this! I have done my soul searching and I am confident that I will be better off alone! Im 25 now and I dont want to wait until im in my 30's to start to live!
i also REALLY want children and I dont feel comfortable having any in my current situation, Its not that he is a bad person persay, hes just not good for me.
like my all time favorite quote says " Everyone who lives will die, however not everyone who dies has lived" I am going to LIVE!!!!!
Thanks

LianneCatherine
May 18th, 2006, 01:56 PM
You've known the answer before you even decided to post. So, I assume you're looking for some reassurance from intelligent peers - and that is exactly what you've gotten. ;)

People who are by nature posessive and controlling, are usually also extremely manipulative. Be careful that you don't get roped back in by a line of guilt-inducing nonsense. Talk to a lawyer, find out your rights, and get him out of there. Worst case scenario, you lose some $. What's more important, money or safety? Living with someone with control issues, though at this point is only administering emotional abuse, can turn into something much more serious. Reducing the amount of contact you have with this person will enable you to keep a clear head while you figure out how to get him out. Get the police involved if necessary.

As much as we on this forum can preach "get rid of him, live for yourself, etc. etc." none of us will know exactly how hard it is to actually do. It's not going to be easy, but it will be worthwhile.

I wish you the best of luck...:fingerscr

PS. Counseling will help you work out those insecurity issues that have been keeping you in an abusive and unfulfilling relationship in the first place

LibbyP
May 18th, 2006, 02:20 PM
Hi erykah1310, I just have acouple questions, Are YOU happy with where you are in your life? With the person YOU are with him? What will make YOU happy? You cannot be happy because of someone else unless your happy with yourself first and foremost, take care of YOU and DO what you need to do to make this happen. Alot of good advise has been offered, and I know first hand how hard it is to be on your own for awhile, you will find that you have many hidden strengths and talents that were masked by a having partner, and know you are not alone, you have friends, family etc... :sorry: your having to go through this, but look on the bright side, your young and you don't have any children with this man, you will find Mr right and have the life you are hoping for, it just takes time, with all that said I would have an officer with you when you ask him to leave ask him for the keys but make sure you still change the locks, talk to your father(to see if he can offer some $ help) and talk to your landlord and make them aware of what is going to happen. If you cannot talk to him wite it down in a letter, best of luck I'll be thinking of you:grouphug:

rainbow
May 18th, 2006, 03:42 PM
You've known the answer before you even decided to post. So, I assume you're looking for some reassurance from intelligent peers - and that is exactly what you've gotten.

Right on....I agree 100% :thumbs up

Now, get rid of the one you're with and live on your own for at least six months. Get back into the single life and go out and date others. :crazy:

If you and your high school best bud still have feelings for each other after that, then take it from there. :D

Good Luck :fingerscr Let us know how things work out, and remember, we're here for you.:grouphug:

erykah1310
May 18th, 2006, 06:25 PM
You've known the answer before you even decided to post. So, I assume you're looking for some reassurance from intelligent peers - and that is exactly what you've gotten. Thats true, I did know what i had to do, its just hard, i am the type now that second guesses EVERYTHING!
Are YOU happy with where you are in your life? With the person YOU are with him? What will make YOU happy? No Im not happy now and havent been for a while, (long before september) it seems the bad times out weigh the good no matter which way you look at things!
What would make me happy would be to go out with friends, on 4 wheeler runs, trips, or just a night out! That is "Not acceptable" here now, he is sort of antisocial and has been convinced taht i have cheated on him several times. Its exhausting defending yourself against something that has never happened!!! :(
Just last weekend we faught because IN MY SLEEP i said " call me, hes gone" I was dreaming, I couldnt help but laugh at him for being upset about it!!! And to be honest the last thing I remember dreaming about was trying to get my large straight in Yatzee ( played before i went to bed im determined to get a trophy :D )
Its stupid stuff like this that i cant handle anymore! and the sad thing is that he is 32 and acting like this!!!
I need to motivate myself to get this done, before it gets harder!

rainbow
May 18th, 2006, 06:57 PM
Thats true, I did know what i had to do, its just hard, i am the type now that second guesses EVERYTHING!

I need to motivate myself to get this done, before it gets harder!

Stop Procrastinating and Start Motivating".....Come on - YOU CAN DO IT !!!!....the longer you wait, the harder it will be....JUST DO IT!!!!

Frenchy
May 18th, 2006, 08:53 PM
I can see the others beat me to it!Yep,leave the bf.Life is too short to stay with someone if you're not happy with this guy.But try to take time for yourself,don't jump in another relationship (even if he's a great guy;he will wait for you if it's meant to be) Good luck!

glasslass
May 19th, 2006, 12:52 AM
Well lately I have lost all patience. He works out of town monday through friday which gives me alot of time to do my own things. Come Friday however i just cant wait till monday comes again so I can be alone.


It sounds to me that you've been finding out that you actually can do quite well by yourself. No wonder you lose patience when he's there. I think you're already realizing you don't need his **** anymore. Go slow with the new relationship. Those getting to know each other periods are priceless, and so important. Once you move on to the next level, you can never go back to the previous level. Enjoy the courtship. It's time for someone to make the sacrifices for you, instead of you always being the one to do it.

chico2
May 19th, 2006, 08:08 AM
Erykah,you have gotten tons of good advice from your friends here at the Forum,please do not procrastinate,you are wasting precious time on this BF..
Lucky is right,life is short and time flies,but work your own issues out first,before moving the new man in.
Also,a word of caution,if your current BF is emotionally abusive,he is probably not beyond becoming physical.
Look for support within your family,or a close friend:love:
Good Luck!!

catsnatcher-CDN
May 19th, 2006, 08:30 AM
One thing I know for sure: Your man isn't worth 4 paragraphs.

Leaving him will be alot like quitting smoking: just because it's hard and challenging and scary doesn't mean you don't do it.

If your heart is holding you back, use your brain and your heart will catch up. (wow, that's a good one. Noone use it, It's copyright! :D )

Stacer
May 21st, 2006, 11:01 AM
I totally agree with what has already been said. You definitely need think about your future, the longer you stay with this current guy, the harder it will be to get away from him. Look at the happiness factor: spending your life miserable and regretting your decisions, or taking a risk, breaking up and finding true happiness with someone who is absolutely right for you. The sooner the better IMO. Why be unhappy when you have the power to change it?

erykah1310
May 21st, 2006, 01:29 PM
Thanks EVERYONE!! ITs amazing how when i joined this forum I thought it was just going to be talking pet stuff and help with that! You all are wonderful and can really help a stranger out! This weekend was my final soul search! I have plans for tuesday,(going to find a job) It seems things are finally going to go my way for a change! It turns out that there is a construction site starting up half an hour away from me AND Its my old crew from 6 years ago thats running it! I should be a shoe in!!! Fingers crossed I should get the job and its a 2 year contract!!!!:D
Im done with feeling this way and starting tuesday IM GETTING MOVING on happiness, even if me and this guy never end up together at least I will live the rest of my life knowing!!! Better than always wondering!!
I feel happiness coming my way because im going to make it!!!!!
Thanks again everyone I'll keep y'all posted on how it goes Tuesday!!!

rainbow
May 21st, 2006, 03:04 PM
Does this mean that you kicked the old boyfriend out? Sure hope so!!!:D :D :D

Glad to hear about the job. Sounds like you should get it. :fingerscr :fingerscr

Waiting to hear the good news on Tuesday! :thumbs up

Frenchy
May 22nd, 2006, 04:11 PM
Glad to hear you are moving on to a better life,we only have one to live!Good luck on tuesday:fingerscr

erykah1310
May 28th, 2006, 10:25 PM
Well Heres a little update!! Its good too! I had a serious chat with the bf and told him that i didnt feel that we were meant to be together and so on and so forth, Much to my suprise HE FEELS THE SAME!!! We talked alot and straightened alot out and things seem as though they will go smoothly!! Im happy! He agreed that i have much more of a tie to the house than he does and i would be happiest here. He asked if for the time being we could split the rent for a bout a month or so to give him some time to find another place ( hard when working outta town all the time) I agreed and lets just keep our fingers crossed that it all goes relatively smooth!! Ihave agreed to give him back the truck, but he will let me use it for a while so i can get either my Camaro fixed or a new car! ( Thank god he didnt fight for the maro)

So with that said! A good friend of mine got married on saturday and I went solo, of course my buddy from highschool ( he was the dj) was there! It was good! I caught him a few times checking me out and what not, he seemed REALLY happy that i was there alone!
Nothing happened, and it wont for a while ( I need some time) but the fair here is next weekend so I hope to chat with him bout my sitiation and see from there if there indeed is a connection. If there is IM gonna stand firm on the fact i am NOT ready just yet and want at the very least the summer to "find myself again"

As far as work, well im giving myself till the middle of June for construction and if not im going to go back to the saw mill i worked at before ( i left there on VERY good terms and am certain i could get my job back at my previous wage)
Things seem to be looking up for me!!!!!!:D :fingerscr