not bonding with new cat

My partner & I recently adopted a new cat, almost sight unseen (long story). He's an extremely shy cat, and of course it'll take time for him to adjust to his new place & people. One week into the adoption, he's still running whenever we appear, but will let me (not my partner) approach him & pet him a little before he retreats again.

The problem is, neither of us is connecting well to this kitty -- his smallness, frailty, thin fur, whip-like tail just don't click with us. Basically, he's not a very snuggly, touchable cat - although he's quite pretty in a delicate way.

These feelings are very subjective and visceral - we don't like the fact that we feel this way, but we do. If we can't bond with this kitty (and/or if he can't bond with us) we will return him to his previous owners, where he'll be safe, sound & loved.

Should we keep trying, and if so, for how long? Have people been able to overcome their initial negative physical reactions to their kitties? We'd like to do what's best for the kitty--as well as for us.

Thanks so much for any suggestions & advice.
Kim

Hi Kim, first off welcome :) Adopting a new pet isn't easy, especially one that has had a rough start of it. A week is simply not enough time, at all. Cats are very sensitive creatures, far more so than they care to let on to us humans. His environment change is freaking him out, so yes, he's going to bolt from everyone. That he's trusted you enough to let him near and pet him, says a lot. This cat thinks you might be ok, but he needs more time than a week to get fully adjusted. Also, you mentioned he's frail, undernourished, thin fur...that screams neglect to me, and given you've not mentioned his backstory (other than to say it's a long one), I wouldn't be one bit surprised if he was abused and left on his own, probably too young to fully realize that humans aren't all bad. Sending him back to where he came from (unless it was a great foster home), will only further the problem to the point that he may not survive his next home and be dumped at the SPCA where he'll be euthanized (extreme scenario, but all too common). You'll do what you like but this cat needs time, good food, and patience and trust on you and your partner's side to fully become himself. That being said, some cats never recover, but that's something that only time will tell if you're willing to give it to him.

Please keep trying. One of my foster cats is just now letting me play with her, and every once in a while she still runs off when I come into the room. I have had her since December. It takes time, but the time sure is worth it when they do open up. But having said that, i do know cats that love you but are just aloof, and like to spend time by themselves. Please try.

Thanks you two! I'm assuming it'll take quite a bit longer for the kitty to get to be himself, but your reminders are good to hear.

I'm really more worried about my own & my partner's response to him, not the other way around. He's just physically not a very touchable cat, despite the fact that he was very well cared for in a loving foster home. I'm hoping we can get over our negative physical reactions to this cat - for the cat's sake as well as ours.

Does anyone have any experience with this--of getting over your own immediate physical reactions? I now realize in the past I've really loved cuddling and stroking my very soft, huggable cats, and I miss that a lot. But maybe that surface reaction could just disappear over time?

Thanks so much!

Kim

I've had a variety of kitties over the years (or rather, they had me) and Tigs was similar to your guy at first. She never really did get to be a lap cat, unless she was attacking you (different issue tho) but did enjoy a good pet from time to time. Your reactions will likely change when he becomes more comfy with the both of you and being in your home. Something you might want to consider to is getting a companion for him. I found with my dogs, having the both of them is amazing since my pointer was so badly abused and neglected, he had NO clue what being a dog meant. Now he's my cuddlebug and that's due to Peach all the way since she's just so vivacious and loving. He's going to need some time, but you'll find a lot of the cat parents here have more than one, some for just that reason - a 2nd can REALLY bring out the best in all. Oh and if his fur isn't great and he's thin, you may want to check him over for worms and then change up his food. That sometimes can make all the difference both appearance, touch and behaviour wise :) Good luck and keep us posted and THANK YOU!!!! for taking the time to look for help with him :)

I had one cat that I did not want to cuddle very much with because she wouls shed a whole new Cat:D I got over that real fast when i was the only one she wanted to sit on. When they let you into their world, its amazing how those feeling go away. Just hang on.

There really needs to be an adjustment period for a kitty when he has been moved, as it is VERY VERY stressful for them. During this time, you will need to leave kitty be while he explores his new surroundings. If this is a feral cat, it may be in the genes to be distrusting of humans.

It could take a long time, even several weeks for him to relax. Please be patient and offer food/love/praise whenever he "comes out." Your patience will be rewarded! Don't worry!

I have had many cats (still have) and have always picked (Been picked) by the ugly, runts, shy, scrawny, totally aggressive. I have always looked beyond that, and loved them for who they are, and let them be themselves.
I guess it's like having a baby, you can't pick em (unless you adopt) so you have to accept them for who they are, and love them regardless!!
unconditional love!

You may want to try spending alot of time talking to this cat, try treats, buying and playing with toys, with this cat, I'm sure he will come around, he's just very confused and upset right now.

I have had many cats (still have) and have always picked (Been picked) by the ugly, runts, shy, scrawny, totally aggressive. I have always looked beyond that, and loved them for who they are, and let them be themselves.
I guess it's like having a baby, you can't pick em (unless you adopt) so you have to accept them for who they are, and love them regardless!!
unconditional love!

You may want to try spending alot of time talking to this cat, try treats, buying and playing with toys, with this cat, I'm sure he will come around, he's just very confused and upset right now.

Agree! And it can months for a stressed out, abandoned cat to learn to trust. After all, I guess people don't seem very trustworthy to him.

Some of my most difficult cats were the ones I ended up loving most. With these cats, when they finally do bond with you they do so with all their heart!

It would be best to put him in a room with all his stuff, so he can't run and hide so much, then just go in and hang out. Talk to him, offer him treats and let him come to you!:)

If you're willing to try, you must learn to love him for what he is and not what you want him to be.

We adopted 2 kittens last summer and one was a very affectionate cuddly cat and the other was very aloof and didn't want to be touched. We were initially put out by her behaviour. She wouldn't run from us, but she didn't seem to want to be touched or picked up at all and did not jump up to snuggle with us on the couch or bed like the other cat. Eventually we stopped trying to "force" ourselves on her and realized that she likes to receive affection without snuggling, ie: we crouch down on the floor with her and pet her and let her rub all over our faces, as long as we're not trying to hold her she'll stay for tons of pets. Funny though, when we're asleep she'll jump up on us curl up, so she must want to cuddle with us but feels safer when we're unconscious!:p I think you just have to find out what your cat is comfortable with and go with it, let it progress at the kitty's speed.

one week won't do much difference. Cats aren't very sociable beings to start with. They don't demand attention the way dogs do and it's very hard to get a cat to bond with you. My shelter cat still hates being pettet, yet 6 months since I adopted her she's come around a LOT. So give the little guy some time.

I went through the same thing with my Peanut. I almost gave her up because it seemed like she wasn't connecting to me and her new cat friend, but she has improved a lot. I gave her more time and petting and made sure she got my full attention everyday, without the other cat butting in lol. And now she follows me around. If i leave the room she comes too, even if she's sleeping. She wakes up and goes back to sleep where i am.

I have to say though...the fact that you want to return him just because he isn't clicking is making me sad. :sad: Poor little guy...give him a chance. Or get another younger cat to bond with. It's easier for younger animals to bond I think.

Plus, animals feel resentment. If you keep rejecting him he'll reject you back. Spend some quality time with him and things will improve.

Cats aren't very sociable beings to start with. They don't demand attention the way dogs do and it's very hard to get a cat to bond with you.

I'm sorry, but that just isn't so. Cats raised in the home are very sociable and I"ve never had one who didn't want attention and who didn't bond with me. Cats kept by themselves are very lonely and crave company and attention.

Some cats do not enjoy being picked up, but may like to lie on a lap or otherwise interact with you. Even my completely feral cat sometimes lets me pet her head and enjoys it.

I agree with Lucky,cats are definitely sociable,all three of mine are"velcro-cats"as were ALL the other cats I've had and I think it has as much to do with the owner as the cat.
My cats are not fond of being picked up,I think most cats do not like to feel restrained in someones arms,but if there is an empty lap,they'll fight for it:D
I also do not like the attitude in the OP's post,I am not sure what you expected from a new to the house cat,just like people or dogs,they do not like changes and from the sounds of it this poor cat has not had an easy life:sad:
Also cats are very perceptive of human feelings and he could very well be picking up on your negativity towards him.
Him being scrawny with thin fur,would make me want to help him so much more and show him how good life can be,but it takes a lot of patience and love,something you seem to doubt you can give this poor little guy.
Lastly,I am assuming he had a clean bill of health from the fostermom..otherwise he needs to go to a vet.

The reason that most pets get abandoned is that they don't meet expectations. Not to burst your bubble but canines (and I'm assuming felines) just aren't naturally big huggers like primates are. Have you ever seen two dogs hold each other? Or two cats? There are of course expectations but a cat is not a cuddly fur covered plushie(even though I treated my cats like it when I first got them - I am using the "I was a 13 year old girl" defense.)

Frankly there's a chance that beyond the most tolerant cats, many of them simply don't like being wrapped by a moving cloth-covered primate with lots of long restraining limbs. Neither of my cats let me hug them very long, although I occasionally pick up Mitzie for old times sake (she hates me) and Tabby climbs up near me sometimes for body heat and a good stroking. But hugging? Probably should just get a baby neopet or something.

The thing I love about these forums is that the people are are serious about having pets, having loving companions and taking care of them the best they can. The people here are ready to do whatever it takes for their pets, to discuss new things, to keep learning (cause seriously, who else would spend hours a week on pet message boards)...That's what a cat is, a loving companion who's there so you can give him/her a good life filled with love and get some happiness and love in return.

If you're not serious about having a cat, if you're willing to back down because you don't like that they are naturally non-huggy creatures and this particular cat is not as tolerant as your last one, I don't think anyone here can really help you. Chances are though, with enough love and devotion, your kitty will eventually come around a few months down the line and love you enough to tolerate being tugged and hugged.

I really hope that you try, because even though I don't see my cats all that often anymore (they live with my parents) I still think about them like, every day. I love them so much and I can't imagine my life without those pushy demanding adorable looks they have and how much fun they could have with a little cat-chaser toy and how intent they are watching trees in the yard...

When I adopted my two kitties, neither one would rub their chin against me and one of them would flinch away and duck out of reach if I reached down to pet him. Now, about four months later, one is a mad, purring, cuddling machine and the other (the one who previously would duck out of petting) is also extremely affectionate and purrs whenever I pick him up. :)

A week is not nearly enough time to find out your kitty's preferences. He may turn out to be a cuddlebun of love. There's no guarantee, of course . . . Each cat is different. For example, my parents have had one cat who hated being picked up and lap sitting, but enjoyed petting and headbutting and was very sweet and people-oriented; one cat who wasn't interested in people at all EXCEPT when they were sitting or lying down, whereupon he would purr and knead madly on them; two semi-strays (fed and sheltered) who were the friendliest cats you can imagine; and their current cat, who avoids almost all physical contact and does not have any use for laps or cuddling (though she does enjoy petting in small doses.)

So I would advise you to give your cat at least a few months to settle in. Also, even if your cat isn't the cuddler you expected, you may learn to appreciate him who who he is . . . My parents' cat, Phantom, is a maddening combination of paranoid and aloof, but we love her anyway and would never get rid of her. :) If you give your kitty a chance, I think you'll come to love him as well and wonder why you ever thought of giving him up.

~LM~

My partner & I recently adopted a new cat, almost sight unseen (long story). He's an extremely shy cat, and of course it'll take time for him to adjust to his new place & people. One week into the adoption, he's still running whenever we appear, but will let me (not my partner) approach him & pet him a little before he retreats again.

Should we keep trying, and if so, for how long? Have people been able to overcome their initial negative physical reactions to their kitties? We'd like to do what's best for the kitty--as well as for us.



One of our cats wasn't so friendly when we brought him home last year. He would bite, run in the opposite direction when approached, wouldn't let us pick him up and didn't want to be pet much. Did we feel a little helpless...yes. We didn't give up. As the weeks rolled by - we let our aloof guy come to us on his own terms. The biting, running away, not picking him up, petting him didn't last long. Within months (I don't even think it was that long) our kitty knew he was loved, in a safe home and that we could be trusted. This same cat loves to be held like a baby, sleeps right next to you, constantly follows us from room to room and is absolutely loving.

Hang in there Kim. This cat has been through a lot and needs to earn your trust. Keep trying :)

Think of the cat as you at 5 or 6 year olds, how would you feel if at that age, you where taken from your mom and dad and siblings with no real understanding of why, you are handed over to total strangers, and to a different home where nothing is familiar to you, how would you feel? lost ?scared? would you be ready to trust these new people totally with your life? would you have let go of the feelings for your family and home, and ready to accept this new family and place as yours or would you be focused more on where are they, when are they coming to get me??
It takes even confident pets often a month to settle in, with shy animals it will take longer. But consider he's allowing you to pet him already , I would say he is likely more overwhelmed and scared than truly shy.

And shyness does not have to be related to any kind of abuse, it can be a heriditary or genetic trait.

I have heard from shelters it takes many weeks for some cats to become fully adjusted. It is likly he is just scared of the new enviornment.

Good luck

my kitty whom i've now had for almost 5yearsnow, Didn't like me. I was really sad that i got him because everytime i'd pet him, he'd bite, everytime i picked him up, he ran. The only time we really bonded was when we'd play with his toys, like me twirling a string or throwing little mice for him. Otherwise, i was never that interesting to him, and i didn't even NAME him for the first week because we just weren't bonding at all. It was horrible. I was heartbroken but i was also determined.

After a little research on the web, i learned about different things that can affect the way my kitten accepted me as it's friend. And after time, we have grown into a great pair.

I kept it slow and on his terms. I would try to interest him in me with treats and fun toys, making sure that his scratching post was where he'd have to see me, and get used to me. If i pet him, i would approach and watch his body language, after a while he learned i wasn't going to hurt him and that seeing me meant good things.

I used to not be allowed to pet him at all, but after time it worked up to being able to pet the top of his head, to scratching his neck, to tpetting his back, to him showing his belly, and now we snuggle all the time and he trusts me enough to walk through my big burly dogs to sit on my lap -- all i say is "It's ok Onyx" and he will trust me to keep the dogs from trying to kiss him and lick him

I find it hard to believe that you're not liking the kitty because it's "ugly" to the touch. I think maybe subconsciously your feelings are hurt because the kitty didnt warm up to you right away. And i am not saying this to be rude or mean, but more out of experience. It's alot easier to deal with an emotion if you can apply it to something tangible and simple. But, trust me if you want to love this cat you will. It will just take time =)

keep your chin up, give the little kitty some space.

I think maybe you could even consider just pretending the cat isn't there...like don't ignore him, but let him come to you. Just do your normal business, and if you see him, don't make a fuss about trying to touch or hold him. Have treats handy for any time he does come and hang out.

I really don't think there is any time limit for the "love" and "bond" portion of this relationship to happy. I would say, as long as it takes, would be a good place to start. It will be worth it.

:thumbs up