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How to make time with SO...

March 27th, 2006, 12:04 AM
So we know how we all met our SO... Now let's discuss how to keep the SO with us... lol

I'm a young'n compared to a lot of you, and I've been through a lot of crap so far with the man, but as time progresses and things get routine, how do you make the time for him/her? I mean, between work and obligations, where does the SO fit in?

I ask because these days the man has been home more and I've been working my hiney off (end of semester overload). As a result, I haven't spent much time with him and it really bothers him. In the past two weeks, I hadn't slept from Tuesday to Thursday, and I've worked pretty well all day and night at the computer the full 3 days, dropping in here, eating and the rest of the basics on my breaks and going to the occasional class in between too. Friday rolls around and I'm beat. Saturday is for errands. Sunday is for Monday's exams and essays. Monday I have class till 8:30 and Tuesday is for preparing for my lab for Wednesdays, etc etc... Pretty full lately.

I'm sure you have busy enough schedules too... Where do you fit the SO in? I have it in my head that he's supposed to be understanding and not mind as long as I'm working my hiney off. Do you make a conscious effort or do you just go with the flow?

March 27th, 2006, 06:51 AM
It's always such a challenge! I work rotating shifts, and SO works straight days, so when we actually have a weekend off together, our "together time" usually consists of doing something around the house. We've never been big "going out" (ie dinner, movies) people, so we're pretty easily entertained. Throw a 3 yr old toddler into the equation, and our together time happens when the toddler is napping, or gone to bed.

Once school is done, it'll be easier for you. Maybe plan a weekend away together once you've finished school? They all feel neglected when the focus is away from them, but they get over it.

March 27th, 2006, 07:51 AM
Sometimes you just need to schedule the time. If a friend called and needed a favor you would make the time. If someone you loved were ill you would find the time to get them to a doctor. We really CAN make the time for things, it's just that with an overloaded schedule we don't make time for things that aren't deemed "necessary", i.e. work, school assignments, household chores etc. But that's because the repurcussions of neglecting those are more immediate and tangible.

Neglecting important relationships is an easy trap to fall into. I know Tom will be there so maybe I'll just take on one more project, because there's always time to cath up with him later. Problem is, he feels unimportant when I do that. he's not going to leave me over it, but that's not really the issue is it? I don't want to make him feel unimportant.

He's a priority to me but I don't always schedule my time to reflect that.

For me, I try to keep an account of what he's done RIGHT ! When I think on the things he's done to help me, or times he's taken care of me, nice things he's done for our family, it makes me more likeley to budget him into my schedule. It doesn't sound romantic but sometimes it really does take a conscious effort.

We've been through a lot together and I'm trying to honor our relationship by nurturing it a little more. There are a lot of things out there competing for you attention but probably not a lot of things more important to you than he is.

March 27th, 2006, 12:53 PM
That's a great perspective, joeysmama. Although I think I don't take it for granted, I do. We've stuck together through so much bad that it's worth the effort to keep it going. (I have to say though, these days, I'm not making time for too many people anyway... I think I haven't seen my friends in over a month at least...:o )

And maybe going away for a bit after school would be a good idea. We haven't been anywhere since we went to PEI with the doggies three summers ago... Thanks Bearsmom.:)

March 27th, 2006, 01:23 PM
Good question!

There's obviously no right (or wrong) answer, but whatever works well for you and your SO. I always thought that if you were doing something school, work, research, etc. related, that it was okay to blow off everything and everyone else. School and work are the priority right?

However, I've since rescinded my thought - due to the fact that I have been with my boyfriend for over 3 years now, and he is the most ambitious person you will ever meet! Therefore, school and work and other "important" things always come first...which can be very frustrating.

We met in college during a power outage - we both were outside at 2am trying to find something to do in the dark (not like THAT!). He's a mechanical engineer who works 60+ hours a week now, is the treasurer of an organization called SAE (Society of Automotive Engineers), goes to Hopkins for his Master's in ME, just bought a townhouse, travels for work/conferences/training, and somewhere in there finds time for fun things like restoring his VW Beetle, fishing, hunting, grilling, playing poker with the guys, and on rare occasions hanging out with his SO, me!

I'm not bored or boring myself however - I work full time, am going to school part time for my Master's, have 3 pets, bought a condo 2 years ago, go to puppy obedience class once a week, and somewhere find time for the two of us to meet in the middle. I mean this literally because we live about 80 miles apart!

So how do we do it???? Well we have a lot of problems! haha But we manage to see each other about once a week, and talk on the phone every day. It's not anywhere close to being easy, and I am always upset that we can't be closer or more intimately connected (not like THAT!). Keeping the lines of communication open, being able to talk about anything, being patient with each other, practicing lots of empathy, and MAKING TIME are the major factors of success. Like I said, we have our problems - some big, some small - but we are working on it. Maybe one of these days he will propose and we can get this train moving to another station! :fingerscr

In the meantime, I feel your pain. BIG TIME.

March 27th, 2006, 01:39 PM
It would be a lot easier if we women would just stay barefoot and preggers in the kitchen. Then when our man comes home, we'd be all fresh and ready to spend some quality time... lol maybe in the movies that happens...:D

That's what sucks about meeting somebody when you're young and unattached- you don't have any responsibilities, so ya, you can get up and go out any time. Back then I was working too, so money was no object. It really puts a cramp in your leg when you have to plan spontaneous things because you have a strict budget.:rolleyes:

As for long distance, that just adds commuting time to the schedule. :eek: I don't know how you do it. My man is right here... In the house... with me..:D :o

March 27th, 2006, 01:57 PM
I wouldn't mind staying home - barefoot, maybe preggers! lol

That's the plan in the long run, I'm going to work from home. Wee!

I'm not sure how we do it either. It's no walk in the park though, that's for sure. We have a limited budget too because we are both unmarried kids with mortgages! After the car payment, house payment, "fill in the blank payment," there's not much left!

Talk about adding to the commute - I drive an hour to work, an hour and a half to class, an hour home from class, and then the SO is about 1.5 hrs. from home! That's a LOT of driving. :eek:

March 27th, 2006, 02:22 PM
lol add an extra "new car fund" payment then too...:D

Rick C
March 27th, 2006, 03:21 PM
True story . . . . .

One of my assistants is married to a high powered corporate lawyer . . . . except the traditional roles are reversed. The lawyer is female and my assistant is male.

She has often been working from early in the morning through to ten in the evening, taking on extra work as partners dropped it on her.

It doesn't seem she's home that much.

In fact, it's been him, not her, who will phone in to ask for time off to stay home with a sick daughter and it's the lawyer wife who has unexpectedly missed some office related functions, leaving him to attend alone or with his two young daughters, including my office barbecue last summer.

So . . . . obviously he's been alone a lot as well.

My assistant was in my office about six weeks ago, relating again how hard the missus was working and indicating she was thinking of changing jobs . . . . he's proud of her but I sensed some frustration as well . . . . so I conveniently e-mailed him the Wisdom Of Life According To Billy Ray Cyrus as seen in these lyrics for "Busy Man":

About a month after that meeting and e-mail, much to my amazement, my assistant came into my office and said the missus was quitting her job. Just like that. She'd found one with normal hours and only a modest dip in her six figure paycheque. They're in Florida vacationing at Disneyworld as I write this.

A happy ending I think.

As for myself, I do very well in business but I'm trying to walk out the door around three or four in the afternoon . . . . . the years will fly by too fast otherwise and, as Billy Ray Cyrus asked:

Have you ever seen a headstone with these words
"If only I had spent more time at work"

Rick C

March 27th, 2006, 05:11 PM
That's a great story - I hope to have a happy ending myself (not like THAT!).

I just emailed my bf those lyrics...hopefully he's not too young and immature to understand them. (He's 25!)

doggy lover
March 27th, 2006, 07:08 PM
Well Prin, I started dating my hubby when I was 14, we married when I was 18 and I'm now 42. When you have been togeather this long you like to be apart, only joking.

We both work full time, he can work up to 12 hour days in the summer and sometimes 6 days a week. I work every other weekend and have one day off in the week to make up for it (my housework days). It is like you become use to this lifestyle. Mind you with my kids now 18 and 16 I don't spend as much time on them, as they rather not hang out with their Mum ( can't understand why not), but other things take up my time and his. When we are togeather we watch a movie or something and talk little. The only time we really spend togeather is when we go to the cottage, but even then he does his thing and I do mine. Maybe this is why it has worked out for us, I don't know. It seems that it is more of a pressing thing when you are younger to spend as much time with each other as you can, I guess its for young lovers.

Don't worry just make the time you do spend togeather quality time.

jesse's mommy
March 27th, 2006, 07:18 PM
Well, when we lived in Maryland we were definitely in this situation. Because we lived in a small beach town, computer jobs (Jim's profession) was not an easy thing to find so he was bartending and would get home around 3:00 in the morning. Well I was up at 4:30 and off to work by about 5:30 - 6:00. When I would get home, we would spend about 1/2 hour together (usually fighting) and he would go off to work. It was terrible for us, but we made it through. The time we had together we were so tired and tried to be civil, but would usually end up picking on each other because of the exhaustion. We fought constantly, but one day sat down and had a talk and reassessed our priorities and realized neither of us had them in line. From that point on we basically "MADE" time for each other and got to reknow each other. We really let the secondaries get in the way of the priorities and it was tearing us apart. For a while there I was wondering if we were going to make it, but we made it through. One thing was that Jim was getting tired of bartending and aggressively looked for a day computer job -- but the pay was terrible, but good for the area we lived in. It's very hard, but you get to the point where you say "That's it! I don't like how things are and we need to change them". Once you both get to that point together, it all works out. Now Jim and I are closer than ever. He was always my best friend, but we started growing apart because we let things get between us, never again! Hopefully that helps.

March 27th, 2006, 08:29 PM
My husband :love: is working most of the day, up at 6am gone till 9pm, I work odd days and hours, add the kids and I'm lucky to see him at all. With such a hectic life, we find time together during the necessary tasks. A trip for water (we haul our water) is a good time for some talking, etc. we have a half hour wait while the tank fills. You'd be surprised what you can squeeze into a half hour.
Sundays we go to church it's a once a week guaranteed togetherness.
You have to grab the most mundane moments and recognize that they arespecial.
I'd suggest using dog walks as "together time" they're necessary and you can do them together. Or even grocery shopping. Something simple done together can go a long way to sooth wounded feelings and imagined neglect.

March 27th, 2006, 10:05 PM
Doggy lover, my friends have parents with relationships like yours, where both are very independent... I have to say, that's not exactly how I pictured living out my life. I'm an independent person and if the person I'm with is not contributing to my life adequately, I can do well enough without 'im. I'm not saying I need the passion and whatever all my life, but to have a best friend in my man would be a dream come true. I mean, he is already- I just hope that doesn't fade with age and experience.

Rick, that song sums up my dad in a nutshell. He's always working. I worked my hiney off to get a man the opposite, but in the end life happens, I guess, and we just have no choice.

Jesse's Mommy, that's what we're doing. Well... What I'm doing. I'm so exhausted and stressed... I tell him "If I yell at you, it's because I'm worried about this and I can't help it," but eventually it sinks in and he starts yelling back.:( We're not dirty fighters though. That's why I think we're ok. We never resort to name calling or anything. We stick to the topic. The problem with rearranging priorities is you have to be in control of your life. Right now, in the last few weeks of school, I have no control over anything. I have so much due all the time that I can't put anything off till later or tomorrow. Next weekend will be my first totally free weekend in a long time. Even then, I'll be worried about my exam and 2 essays for next week. :rolleyes:

Maybe when I'm working too, money won't be as important. :fingerscr :fingerscr :fingerscr :fingerscr I hate money sometimes.

Bushfire, you haul water? Really? How often?
We do walk the dogs together, usually once a day. I'm just not 'there' for the conversation most of the time. That's what being a student does. It takes your mind and puts it everywhere but right here.. I can't wait for that to be over. :D

March 27th, 2006, 10:20 PM
We are using our well right now because of all the moisture we had this year. But because you can't dirink our well water we haul 5 gallon pails for drinking and cooking about on or two times a week. When the well goes dry we use the cisturn hauling three or four tanksfull once or twice a month.
It can be a romantic interlude. Or a good time to discuss things the kids don't need to hear.

March 27th, 2006, 10:20 PM
How do you carry it?

March 27th, 2006, 10:23 PM
The five gallon pails we just put in the van. The tanks are on a flatbed trailer and we pull it with a truck.

March 27th, 2006, 10:28 PM
ok... I didn't think it would be as romantic if you were hauling them all by hand...:D I'd be cursing and swearing the whole 20 miles home (it's that far away right? A good enough distance to add drama to the story? "We used to walk 20 miles with full 100 gallon pails, one on each shoulder in -20 degree weather..." :D )

jesse's mommy
March 28th, 2006, 05:11 AM
Next weekend will be my first totally free weekend in a long time. Even then, I'll be worried about my exam and 2 essays for next week. :rolleyes:

On your free weekend, why don't you do this:

First take an hour or two for yourself. Go for a walk or get a massage. Do something that will clear your mind for you.

Second, since money is tight (I can relate to this one) why don't you cook a nice reasonable priced dinner -- even if it's something simple like spaghetti and meatballs. But "spruce" it up a bit and make a litttle salad as an appetizer and some garlic bread to go with it so it's not just the same thing -- you know make it look as if you went all out, but it's something that takes an extra five minutes or so. Anyway, set the dinner table for two and light some candles. Have a nice evening of quality time together, but make it a rule that there will be no discussion of school or work. Then sit down and watch a movie together that you both enjoy. Just put school and the other priorities away for a few hours. I promise you will feel much better. :thumbs up

March 28th, 2006, 11:23 AM
ooo that sounds fun! I can make salad... I think. lol That's the thing eh? You make dinner every night and sit in front of the tube eating it and it's hard to make it special, but yeah, garlic bread and salad would work.:thumbs up Thanks!:)

March 28th, 2006, 12:03 PM
My guy and I are always busy too, he works and I take care of the kids all day. I try to let him know that I care about us still, just by doing little things, making his favorite treat, or hehe, more often, buying it.
He's always gone busy at work, so I was the one unhappy, so I made him talk with me about the future. Every year or so we talk about what we need, if we need anything to change, and if we are still working towards the same future.

It's hard to believe, but I swear our talks are down to just a few minutes now, just because we've talked about it so much before, that now, we're just kind of, checking in. It's just nice to know that we're still on the same page.:o

March 28th, 2006, 12:20 PM
I sneak in time where I can get it. My guy works nights, and I am on a totally day schedule right now between the dogs and the kid. So, when I wake him up each day, I crawl into bed for a bit (minds out of the gutter, now!) and we spend some time talking about what's going on at his work and here in the house. And I drive him to work each night, so we leave early enough to have about 20 minutes sitting in the car before he has to go in.

And as corny as it may sound, it's little things that can really make a big difference. I have a cup of tea ready for him when he gets up, or bring in a coffee if I'm out. Lets him know that no matter what else I am doing, I still think of him. He'll call and leave a message on the machine even though he knows I'm sleeping-I get it when I get up. Or he'll do some silly little household chore that I am about to do-before I can get to it. It's very sweet.

Eating in front of the TV is comfortable, but it does lack something. :p . I bet if you make that special dinner, it will go a long way towards easing the tension. Good luck! :fingerscr

March 30th, 2006, 11:08 AM
I know romance doesn't require sex. But just in case we go there, the gutter, I mean.
Sometimes doing something totally out of character just for fun can be a real ice breaker. You start the laughter and all kinds of things can happen. Have you tried a saran wrap bikini under your simplest outfit (ala "Fried Green Tomatoes"), for a shocker after the movie. Or use your own imagination. Desert is whip cream and fun.
I hope you take some time to relax. I know you have to study but maybe a break will refresh you for the long pull.

P.S. it's uphill both ways to the well.

Good luck have fun.

March 30th, 2006, 12:13 PM
Some of ya'll might be offended by my suggestion.... however, I'm going to make it anyway :D

I'm sure you and your SO are 'clean' people... by this I mean you shower at least a couple times a week...
Soooooo, I suggest you multi task your time... invite SO to spend 20 mins in the shower with you ;) He can wash your hair for you, while you discuss your plans for the day (or if you evening shower, you discuss your days events)

now i realize many of you will think that I'm being rude or sleazy or something with this.... I am in no way suggesting a remake of some soft porn movie....

There is no more private place in a home then the shower.... correct me if i'm wrong, but, when is the last time any of you saw a proffessor in there? or answered the telemarketers phone call in there?? hmmm ??
It's called quality time, and if it gets a little 'steamy' yeeaaa! :D 3 birds with 1 stone!! showered, time with SO, AND You get alittle too?? what could possibly be wrong with that?

March 30th, 2006, 01:51 PM
Soooooo, I suggest you multi task your time... invite SO to spend 20 mins in the shower with you ;) He can wash your hair for you, while you discuss your plans for the day (or if you evening shower, you discuss your days events)

What to do if your SO lives 80+ miles away? And, more importantly, when offered the opportunity, absolutely REFUSES to shower with you? :mad:

I think it's a self-consciousness thing, but COME ON, it's been over 3 years! Shouldn't he know by now that I've seen way God made him?


March 30th, 2006, 02:16 PM
It's called quality time, and if it gets a little 'steamy' yeeaaa! :D 3 birds with 1 stone!! showered, time with SO, AND You get alittle too?? what could possibly be wrong with that? Having the kids walk in on you... :eek: :o

March 30th, 2006, 02:26 PM
Originally Posted by wjranch
It's called quality time, and if it gets a little 'steamy' yeeaaa! 3 birds with 1 stone!! showered, time with SO, AND You get alittle too?? what could possibly be wrong with that?

Having the kids walk in on you...

That's why God invented locks !!!;)

But be sure to use them. Once our teenaged son walked into our bathroom, without knocking. Mind you he had to walk into our bedroom first and then on to our bathroom, so that's TWO doors he walked through without knocking and without having been invited. We were getting ready for bed--nothing racy going on--at all !! I was washing my face in my jeans and bra, but bent over the sink so he probably didn't see more than my back--but the daddy had um, "dropped trou" and was standing at the toilet, having himself a piddle.

My son sees the nakedness and runs screaming from the room, throws himself on the floor and yells "I've burnt my corneas !!" SMART A$$ :crazy:

(And for the record, my husband has a very nice bottom !! ;) )

March 30th, 2006, 05:59 PM
ok.. see the problem is, he's a french guy. So the showering together thing won't be adventurous. ooo imagine showering alone? That must be so peaceful!:D

Right now, it's not about the sex, it's about the other stuff. The common ground on a regular basis. (I have to say though, a good birth control method is having everybody around you (even on all pumping out babies at the same time... I stopped drinking the water 'round here a long time ago...).

Maybe we need new massage oil... Massages are fun.

lol at the burnt corneas...

April 8th, 2006, 09:25 AM
This is a little late, but I've got the exact opposite problem. My SO and I have been together for almost 6 years, we met at school (same program, all classes together), coincidentally we're from cities that are only a half hour apart, so after graduation we didn't have to break up or have a long distance relationship. Then we got jobs with the same company in Toronto, so now we live together and commute together every day. The only time we're apart is the 8 hours during the day when we're working. Oddly we rarely fight or have disagreements, we're just too laid back to let anything bother us. Our commute is about 45 minutes, so on the way home we use that 45 minutes to get out the frustrations of the day and by the time we get home we both feel good and nothing is mentioned about work for the rest of the night. It's a good system. Mind you we do have our separate alone time. I go to the gym and he goes for bike rides or to the coffee shop with a book. Eventually we'll find different jobs, until then we're saving $$$$$$ and the environment by having one car and driving together. And we're enjoying all of our time together, cause in a couple years we'll be making babies :eek: and then who know how much quality time we'll have?

April 8th, 2006, 12:32 PM
That sounds like a good system. You sound very compatible.:thumbs up

April 8th, 2006, 12:53 PM
taking showers together?!??! gosh do people in "serious" relationships ever get SPACE?!?!? I've often wondered what it would be like to meet "the one" (insert cheesy romantic music here) and spend the rest of our lives together. But if I can't take a shower alone...then...i'll be staying single FOREVER!:eek:


April 8th, 2006, 01:02 PM
You can do whatever you want in a relationship. It's all about communication.:thumbs up I'm not a relationship person either, and this May, we will have been together 5 years already (in June it'll be 5 years living together- we moved fast...:o).

Sometimes you accidentally find exactly what you didn't know you were looking for.

April 8th, 2006, 01:28 PM
Sometimes you accidentally find exactly what you didn't know you were looking for.

That's so true !! Tom was NOTHING like the guy I was typically attracted to. But it turns out he was just what I needed, and maybe by then I was mature enough to appreciate the qualities that REALLY matter??

I remember the first card I ever gave him. It had a cartoon picture of a cute little lovesick snake making eyes at a garden hose. The cover said "You're the answer to my prayers." The inside said "You're not what I prayed for exactly, but apparently you're the answer."

Kind of a joke but really I meant it in the best way. He's SOOO much better than what I thought I wanted. :love:

April 8th, 2006, 04:18 PM
Prin,first of all,do not eat your dinner in front of the TV,sit down at a table,TV off and TALK to each other.
No TV in the bedroom!!
My husband always worked nights,I only had a part-time job,but we had lots of "quality-time" when the kids were at school:D I did not mind being alone at night,I was never lonely.
Now,after 40yrs marriage and hubby retired,we're having a great time,no kids only the cats and us.
You have to make time for each other,it's not only about the physical aspect,you have to be good friends talk and laugh together.
I do not see it as a good thing when married people lead seperate lives,independant of each other,those marriages will sooner or later end up in divorce,I've seen it many times.
You don't have to be attached at the hip,but your SO should be the one person you want to spend most of your time with.
So,in a nut-shell,make time for each other!!

April 8th, 2006, 04:49 PM
Thanks Chico. We do talk a lot, but we don't "do" anything. His family asks, "what do you do together?" all the time, and he never knows what to answer. We don't go out and do things we have in common, so according to the outside world, we're not a happy couple and it's starting to get to him, I guess... The other day, I told him to tell them, "We LIVE together, isn't that enough?" Because we do. I mean, we talk a lot, laugh a lot and just do every day stuff together. We just don't do things that cost money or go on "dates" anymore...

One week left and then I'm pretty well done school, and then I'll have a lot less on my mind.

April 9th, 2006, 07:41 AM
My oldest son,thinks we are deprived because we do not go to bars,parties etc...(I am allergic to drunks:yuck: )except for the odd friends visit:confused:
At our age,a day of fun is working on our house or gardens,taking Bailey for a walk,watch the kitties outside enjoying the sun...we are waaaay past boooze-parties.
But you are"a bit":D younger

April 9th, 2006, 02:29 PM
Oh, I'm way past booze parties too. I went through all that way too young and ended up an old lady too early.:D But the man doesn't even do it either, so I don't see what the big deal is. I guess when you have people telling you how relationships should be all the time, you forget that this one works for you anyway (most of the time).

April 9th, 2006, 03:43 PM
Remember the movie "Misery"? She broke his legs so he couldn't leave! :eek: No, not offering that as a suggestion but couldn't resist since I've been in that situation for a month now. My hubby had a total knee replacement last month.
Someone said it's the little things that keep you in rapport with each other. That is so true. Like when you wake up and kiss each other good morning. It can be a quick kiss without much thought, or you can put your arms around him and give him a nice back scratch, lightly using your nails on his bare back. Definitely, I guarantee, you'll get a nice hug while you're doing it and maybe a simultaneous back scratch back. Only takes a minute more, but sure makes you both feel good. Some of the things Hubby does that I missed when he couldn't do them? Washing and putting the beans & water in the coffeemaker each night so it's ready to go in the morning, helping me carry in the groceries, putting out my vitamins in the morning, making sure I have a bottle of water on my nightstand at night, putting my cell phone on the charger. Little things, but thoughtful.

April 9th, 2006, 03:51 PM
I know what you mean Glass-Lass,we just spent the whole day outside,working cleaning up the garden etc...(hoping for no visitors)it's also important you both like to do simple things together,after all that work and hubby had filled the bird-feeders(cat keeping watch:D )we called for pizza and had a couple of beers for dinner.
It's soooo nice to be able to eat outside,while watching the birds,just like a couple of old folks,no rockingchairs yet though!!
Hope your husband is ok,knee-surgery is not a nice thing..

April 10th, 2006, 08:46 AM
Oooh, glasslass, back scratches are sooooo good! :D

We bought a new shed at Costco yesterday. Spent 3 1/2 hours putting it up. Lots of frustration, since the pieces never fit together as nicely as the instructions say they will. The kids were running around the yard, playing, spending some time underfoot at the most inopportune times (when frustration levels were very high). Phoebe was just lazing in the grass, or following the kids around, chasing the ball whenever they thought to throw it for her ... basically trying to stay out of our way while we worked. But, by the end of it, we were all (hubby, kids, dog and I) very tired, very content, very proud of our accomplishments, and very happy to be together. Yup, spending time outdoors together in the lovely (if somewhat nippy) spring sunshine definitely brings you all closer together. :thumbs up

April 10th, 2006, 10:57 AM
Some of our friends say the same thing about us "doing" stuff together. But they consider stuff to be going to the movies, dinners, bars. I think sometimes people can't think outside of the box and if you don't do what everyone else assumes is couple stuff then you don't do stuff together.

We do stuff, but it's inexpensive walks, flea markets, cooking together. Plus we have a house we're renovating - together. We started making beer together this year, to give us something else we're both working on together. I'm learning to play darts, which is a hobby of my husband's that he is just getting back into, now that we have the dart board set-up in the rec. room. We were thinking of taking a dance class together next winter if we can find one in our price range.

The challenge is finding things to do together that aren't expensive. I've found that with the things we've found to do together we actually spend more time chatting together than if we did the standard couple things. Really, how connected do you feel when you've sat in the dark and watched a movie for a couple hours, or listened to a band play at a sound level that made it impossible to talk? And with the limited time we get to spend alone together I want to spend it doing stuff that keeps us busy and allows us to talk about everything.

April 10th, 2006, 11:19 PM
I had typed out a nice post the other day, but it disappeared into cyberspace. :mad:

Anyways, to follow up on what everyone has been saying, I think what we're discussing here is real intimacy versus romance. Romance is the candlelight dinners and all night dates and all the things you can tell your friends about-all the stuff the world sees, and all the things that tend to go away after a relationship evolves. It's the giddy rush, being able to go without sleep for weeks on end and still be in a fantastic mood, counting the minutes until you see each other again-and it can't last. It'd kill you if it did. (And if you notice the similarities to drugs, stay with me. I'll get back to that.)

Intimacy is just the opposite and in many ways, it's a romance-killer. It's the day to day stuff that no-one but you and the SO ever see or talk about to anyone else. The early morning back scratch (and never mind the morning breath!), "Hey, can you bring me a roll of TP? We're out in here!", frank discussions of bodily functions and how they aren't right just now, and things like knowing your SO is getting a cold because that cough doesn't sound like a dry throat. It's knowing what your SO takes in coffee or puts on a hamburger and being able to tell the difference between a polite laugh and a real one.

Romance is mystery and discovery and excitement-the other person is an unknown factor in your life. Intimacy is knowledge and comfort and shared passions-the other is known quantity, and is all the more beloved and cherished for it. Unfortunately, I think people confuse the two things, and once that first giddy rush is gone, they believe the relationship is over when it's really just getting started. And many people are addicted to the rush of new love (see-back to that drug analogy! ;) ) and so walk away when it's gone.

And during that romantic phase, you don't see the other person as who they really are, but only an idealized version. And that's what you present to them-an idealized version of yourself. You know you're approaching intimacy when you both let down those guards and see and reveal true selves. It might not be all stars and moonbeams, but I'd rather have intimacy (and all its gory details) than romance. Not that I'm opposed to getting flowers for no reason, or small romantic gestures from time to time :evil: !

Prin, you are just about to finish an extremely stressful period in your life. School makes you somewhat self-centered, and to those who aren't in it or haven't experienced it, it's hard to understand why an essay or exam looms so large over the rest of your life-nevermind 4 or 5 at once. It's almost done, and hooray for you! :highfive: And it IS enough that you and your man live together! And you've done home reno together-without splitting up. :thumbs up I'd say you're doing fine, and in a week or so, you can turn more of your attention to showing your man why staying home is so much more fun than going out.........

April 10th, 2006, 11:38 PM
hmm... you say all that, and it all makes sense, but I'm sitting here trying hard to focus on my 10 page genomic evolution paper that I've barely started that is due tomorrow morning at 8:45 and my man would not give me a massage. What the hell is that?! I think it's time for a new boyfriend.:evil: He did buy my a neck massager thingy- it's like one of those neck pillows but it vibrates... :highfive:

But yeah, all the "adults" around me keep saying that after graduation comes the real hard work. I think that's a load of bull. I worked before going back to school and I remember having money in my bank account sometimes and being able to fix my car and go to movies without counting the pennies... I remember having FREE time- time where you're not thinking about anything important. I tell my boyfriend that it'll be different when I'm out of school, but he just thinks I'm making excuses. :rolleyes:

School is hard, but I loaded it up. I think 3 or 4 semesters out of the 6 I have been in biology, I took 5 biology classes.:crazy: I wanted to get out sooner, with more courses, so I took on too much. This semester I only took 4 classes, (2 biologies), but I ended up with more papers than I have ever had in my life. I had one due two weeks ago- a 10 page minimum one, one 8-pager due today, and another tomorrow morning. Plus countless exams and labs... It was nutty.

I just don't want to do it anymore. :o When you work, you're not likely to have 2 deadlines in one day (unless you're a journalist, I guess), and even if you do, chances are those two deadlines won't affect your entire career and life path. You know? Most students don't realize it, but if you do poorly in even one class, doors shut. I did poorly in organic chem 2, and that cost me a possible vet career. Last year, I missed getting into vet school by something like 0.11 GPA points.

Anyway, I should stop because I'm just ranting because I'm annoyed with this paper. It's 12:33 AM, and I still have 9 pages to write about the significance of sequencing the entire genome of Bacillus subtilis. Yey! Woo hoo!!

I miss the 1000 word essays analyzing some story. I used to be able to bang those off in less than a half hour. Merr.

But yeah, tomorrow night, I'll be FREEEE!!! (except for 3 exams) but essentially FREEEEE!! :D And we'll see what happens after that.

I think our relationship is ok (putting the massage aside for a moment). We still talk, and he's learning to communicate better. We both have a future in our minds that neither of us thought was ever possible. And hey, if I get a normal job, and not some "counting black fly larvae in the St Laurence river" job (I actually saw that one, do you believe that? $12/hr to sit and get eaten alive!), maybe I can have a normal life again. :D

April 11th, 2006, 06:42 AM
I didn't know where else to post it (I have no brain left) but I had to say.. with jubilation... I finished my paper! Woooo!! It's printing as I type! Wooo!! Now I just have to regain consciousness long enough to drive to school and back... :eek: :fingerscr

jesse's mommy
April 11th, 2006, 03:23 PM
Congrats! I wanted to post this morning "good luck" with your paper, but I didn't want to be accused of threadjacking. :D

April 11th, 2006, 05:47 PM
lol thanks... I hope I did ok... I was so dazed this morning, I don't have a clue what I wrote.:D

3 exams away from being Prin BSc and being FREEEEEEE!!!! FreeeeeEEEEEE!

April 11th, 2006, 07:20 PM
:party: Almost there! Congrats! Just hold in a little longer.

And as for the "counting black fly larvae in the St Laurence river" job (I actually saw that one, do you believe that? $12/hr to sit and get eaten alive!", I had a friend who worked 2 summers shucking zebra muscles and testing them for toxins from the Detroit River...they did other things, too, including diving for water and mud samples from the bottom of the river. :yuck: I don't think there's any amount of money that's enough for that. And another friend who did a field mouse population count in Northern Ontario. Spent all summer trapping field mice. Whoo hoo! Let's hear it for higher education! :rolleyes:

Cough-about relationships, uh, yeah...that's this thread, right? ;)

April 11th, 2006, 09:57 PM
Where's Mel when you need her? She did projects for the WWF (no, not the wrestlers) and had to camp out in the bush sometimes... I dunno, I'm more of a homebody (and I don't like bugs).

Yeah, relationships. Can't live with them, can't live with them. :D