March 22nd, 2006, 12:11 AM
I know I don't post much anymore so I hope you all still remember me and don't mind my venting. I have been really crazy lately. I was planning my wedding for this summer but things have changed. My fiance just left me. We had been together for almost 3 years and engaged for 1 and a half. I don't even know what happened. He just said he wasn't happy and it wasn't working. Came as a huge surprise to me. I don't really have any friends here in TX (they are all in PA) so i'm having a really hard time being all alone. I would do anything for this man, we were living together for almost a year in my house and now everything I see makes me think of him. For anyone who has been through this please let me know how you dealt with it. It feels like my world just ended. And to make it all worst it seems like Candi is missing him. At about the time he used to come home she'll sit in front of the door and cry. That is braking my heart even more. I almost forgot to add that to top it all off and make it much worst the baby that I lost a while back would be due next month on the 22nd. That is also hitting me pretty hard.
March 22nd, 2006, 12:45 AM
Thats awful Jackie - I'm not sure what to say as you probably feel like crap - I was engaged before and my ex broke up with me too - he then invited my best friend to his wedding a year later. I am over it now but at the time I was devestated. But I found a much better man so it all turned out okay.
Just look ahead a few years and picture yourself - when your in the oh that guy - ya we dated for a bit - of course you'll be telling this to your new man.
Anyways probably wasnt much help - take care of yourself - go shopping - manicure anything that makes you feel good. :)
March 22nd, 2006, 02:09 AM
I'm so sorry you're living in emotional hell right now. It's no fun. :( I know it sounds dumb, but you're better off having him leave now than in a few years, right? Now you're still young and in your prime and you can have any guy you want. I'm a pretty pessimistic person, but I believe that every relationship teaches you more about yourself and how you want your future relationships to be.
This is not your fault. Even if you weren't his perfect woman, he didn't communicate enough to tell you what he needed. If guys could communicate during the relationship like they do after it, the relationship probably would last longer and would be better overall. JMO...
You'll get through this. You're a strong, independent woman. You just don't know it yet.:) :grouphug:
March 22nd, 2006, 08:54 AM
Since you are feeling isolated and don't know many people, it might be a good idea to find a good therapist or councillor, just for a few sessions, to get you back on track. When your mind is churning, looking for answers, it can lead you down some pretty strange paths. This is not a reflection of your coping skills, everyone needs a helping hand occasionally.
A friend who is going through the same thing - she's in her early sixties, so it's tough - told me about this natural anti-depressant called 5HTP. You can get it at the health food store. NOT to be combined with prescription meds. I hear it's pretty effective. The thing is not to get stuck, keep moving, keep acting in your OWN interests.
March 22nd, 2006, 10:49 AM
I've been though the same things (you don't need my gorey details) but what I've learned is, take time to grieve (as much time as you need).
I like to think of those sorts of things as test-runs, beacuse if anything, they've made you stronger & wiser.
I believe there are better things in store for you.
March 22nd, 2006, 11:00 AM
Aw, sweetie, so sorry to hear about your problems,especially the loss of your unborn child....
I'm going to tell you the same thing I told my sister who just recently split with her husband....move on, obviously you're too good for him. Get yourself out there again, even if it's just hobbies, or whatever. This is not the end of the world.
When my fiance left me 4 weeks before our wedding, he drained our bank accounts to the tune of $65 000!!!!! So, I got my revenge, I slapped a lien on his new car, and his house....hehehe.
I'm one of them chicks you just don't **** with.
March 22nd, 2006, 11:54 AM
I am so sorry to hear of your troubles! If he acted this way now, perhaps is just as well in the long run that you know now - before you married him. I realize this does not help you deal with the loss though. I think in coping with any loss, we go through the steps outline by Kubler Ross tho not necly in the same order (we are all unique). I used to own a great book called "How to Survive A Loss" and it meant the loss of anyone or thing - loved one (two legged or four pawed), job, health, etc and I loaned it to someone and LOST it, sigh! But if you could find that somewhere - 2nd book shop maybe? - it has some great ideas.
I know it is easy to say but try to think of other things - get involved in something, keep busy - and do not be afraid to look into counselling if you think you need it.
Take care!!! :grouphug:
March 22nd, 2006, 12:20 PM
I'm really sorry that this is all happening, but guys can be asses (myself included...sometimes :evil: ), but just as the ladies before me said, just take your time to grieve about this as time will heal all wounds. If all your family/friends are in PA, then maybe you should move back, because they will speed up the healing process (I know my friends helped me immensely when I had to cope with the loss of my mom to cancer a few years ago).
Oh, and one last thing: It's HIS loss, not yours!
I used to own a great book called "How to Survive A Loss" and it meant the loss of anyone or thing - loved one (two legged or four pawed), job, health, etc and I loaned it to someone and LOST it, sigh!
Maybe you should get another copy to help you cope with the loss of your first copy? :p
March 22nd, 2006, 12:39 PM
Good one Hunterx!Jackie;things always happens for a reason,probably because deserve someone better than him.I'm sure you will meet your forever love soon.In the mean time,I know it must be hard but try to enjoy single life,find positive sides to it.Take care and keep you chin up.
March 22nd, 2006, 03:57 PM
Thanks everyone. I feel pretty bad. This is actully the second fiance to leave me right before the wedding. I can't really go back to PA, I don't have a job or anywhere to stay there. I barley make it on my salary now and no one is going to offer me that much just to be a secretary like I am here. $12 US for just a part time secretary is pretty good. I just miss him so much sometimes. He never really treated me bad until the end, he was always a gentleman. It would be easier if he hadn't been. I just keep hopeing that he will call and tell me that he made a huge mistake and wants to make up. I know it won't happen, but I can still dream.
March 22nd, 2006, 04:51 PM
Aww Jackie,I am so sorry,there is not much we can say,to mend a broken heart,only time will help.
Look at what you have,you are young,you're healthy,you have a good job,a nice house and a wonderful dog.
If Candi is sad and missing the jerk,it's all the more reason for her and you to bond even closer,a faithful animal can help you a lot with your disappointment and grieving(sometimes more than a person).
Please do not hang your hopes on him coming back,if it happens once,it more than likely will happen again.
One day he will regret what he did to you,but by then you probably have your dreamguy already..:love:
March 23rd, 2006, 01:16 PM
Jackie, so sorry this happened to you.
I can imagine the way you feel. Lost, alone and let down down. Discouraged also. You got to stick to what you are and what makes you wonderful and don't forget it. Don't equate any of your worth on the value this man placed on you.
Your comfort zone was violated and I can certainly relate with that. The hardest thing is getting yourself back on a routine and going again. You were jackie before this and you will be jackie after but I have a feeling better for it. Its his loss and although it may sound cliche the advice given here is absolutly true. It helps to picture yourself ahead a year from now like another said. You will not feel this way then so the light is bright at the end of the tunnel.
I hope you feel better. I really do. I am confident that it will all work out and you shoul be too!
March 23rd, 2006, 01:55 PM
Jackie that is awful. But you really do not want someone back that would hurt you so much. You may think you do because it is comfortable. You deserve better than that. I know it is easy to say but it will get easier and when you meet the right man you will be saying boy am I ever glad he did me a favour and left.
March 23rd, 2006, 02:11 PM
The last three years have been hard on me, I was really sick for 2 months and lost about 40lbs, for a reason the doctors have not figured out. My hubby was of no help to me, mental support wise. The only one who seemed to care was my dog Travis that would lay beside me and nudge me now and then to check on me. I lost him the next year to cancer, then 2 months later my Grandmother who was an inspiration to me. Now my hubbies Gran is dying of cancer and 2 of his uncles, they say sometimes it rains and sometimes it pours.
I like to listen to that song Had a Bad Day, I can't remember who sings it but I blare it on bad days and then I do as it says "pick myself up and turn it around" Life goes on. You will find someone better don't let your standards down, prince charming will come along. :grouphug:
March 23rd, 2006, 10:42 PM
I'm sorry for your three years Doggy Lover. :( It's not fun thinking you have no support from the most important people around.
Personally, the song that gives me a boost is Natasha Bedingfield's "unwritten".. Seize the day...:o
March 24th, 2006, 09:34 AM
I would do anything for this man, we were living together for almost a year in my house and now everything I see makes me think of him.
It may seem as though you won't be able to get passed this, but you will. It will get easier and a time will come where he won't matter at all. When you will be able to think clearer, you'll realize that it was a good thing he left now than later.
Consider what may have gone wrong this time and replace him with someone more mature who's in it for the long run. Don't hope for him back. You are wishing for the return of the type of man who had the heart to do this to you. You should aim for a man better than him.
PS. If you can still smell him on your sheets, some Febreeze will take that out. ;)
March 24th, 2006, 09:45 AM
Jackie, :sorry: this happened to you. :grouphug: Like everyone says, it will get better. Take some serious me time, and do all the things you've wanted to do but didn't have time for while you were spending couple time. Take a fun class, eat chocolate for breakfast, watch old movies in bed-whatever makes you feel better.
If he came back, you would spend a lot of time worrying that he was going to leave again. It's so not worth it.
March 24th, 2006, 04:31 PM
If he came back, you would spend a lot of time worrying that he was going to leave again. It's so not worth it.
So true! Good point Skryker
March 24th, 2006, 07:54 PM
Nothing I will say will make you feel better. This is something that you will have to go thru, but remember that everything happens for a reason and if you can't see it now its because its not meant to be seen yet...but let me tell you....from experience, once you get thru the anger, grief, ets....it will get better. Just hang on.
March 25th, 2006, 09:25 PM
While my circumstances were different, I found it helpful to do a complete "about face" with my house so I wasn't looking at the same "four walls" and "remembering". I moved ALL of my furniture around and around and around some more, cleaned like a mad woman, played and sang Patsy Cline at full volume (not much of a country fan but she is great housecleaning music), painted a couple of rooms and bought all new sheets and towels (off to the Sally Ann with the old ones - no reminders). I went for VERY, VERY LONG and STRENUOUS walks/ hikes so that I was exhausted when I went to bed and had something positive and energizing to do to fill the "blues" time. I purged every gift, memento - anything in the house that was a reminder. If I thought there was a remote chance I might want it later it went into a box in the basement. If money was a little tight, I found out when the museums, zoos, galleries had their free or pay-what-you can nights and went. If there was a routine or a "special time" I upset the routine and did something else - something fun for me or for me and my dawg. If I started to wallow, I got out of the house or I put on some music and danced like a dirvish. As others have said - you WILL come through the other side of this - a stronger and wiser woman.
March 25th, 2006, 09:30 PM
Great advice mum.
Jackie, I don't have much advice to give you because I've never been through this and it's tough to relate, but I will say stay strong. You will overcome this and be a better stronger person for it. Keep your chin up and let the sun shine through! :thumbs up
March 25th, 2006, 10:42 PM
Thanks so much everyone. I'v been trying to keep as busy as possible to keep my mind off it, but sometimes it's hard. It's usually the worst in the morning when I'm alone in the house and when I come home for lunch and no one is here. So far every morning I wake up upset because I keep dreaming about him. That makes it really hard to have a good day. I absolutly dread the time when I am alone so i'v started just walking around malls and walmart just to be around people. I also sleep with the T.V. on now to keep my mind from wondering in a sad direction.
This has been really hard because I suffer from depression. I'v spent most of my life depressed and was just starting to be ok without my medication. I'm now making an appointment with my doctor to go back on the meds. I think that will help. I know I'll be ok, but it's the mean time that I worry about.
March 26th, 2006, 08:44 AM
Jackie - Excercise. Get out and move.
It is amazing how much our mind's well-being is connected to our body's well-being.
13 years ago I began taking kung fu when I went through a killer break-up. Now, having just gone through another break up, I am so grateful for being able to kick and punch and sweat and focus on just me for a while!