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Wedding shower if you already live together?

February 8th, 2006, 12:20 PM
I need your opinions. My friend says I should'nt b/c in her eyes I have everything which I do not at all.

We lived together for 2 + years and are now getting married. Am I not entitled to a wedding shower?

February 8th, 2006, 12:29 PM
Yes you are entitled to a wedding shower. We lived together three years before we were married and we had a wedding shower. Its not like you got a moving in together shower.

As an person being invited to wedding shower though for a couple. What bugged me is the couples that had like four wedding showers and your supposed to bring a gift to each one. We had a wine shower for us and everyone brought various bottles of wine, glasses, wine racks etc etc it was sort of a theme shower.

Oh congrats by the way too. ! :highfive:

February 8th, 2006, 12:30 PM
You are absolutly entitled to a wedding shower! It is meant to set the bride and groom up with stuff they need. I also appreciate it when they are registered somewhere that way I can get them exactly what they want and need!

February 8th, 2006, 12:32 PM
I agree w/ other posters, you are entitled to a shower. however, if you feel you have a majority of the items couples would normally register for, set up donation gifts. Ask a donation be made to a charity or oganization of your choice, instead of bringing a gift to the shower.

February 8th, 2006, 12:36 PM
I know plenty of people who got married after living together for a few years, and they all had showers, or "buck & doe"s or "Jack & Jill"s as is popular these days. Even if you already have everything for the home, there's always stuff to buy (and no one really has everything ;) ). If you wanted to do something a little different, you could combine it with one of those home shopping parties - I know Pampered Chef has a "bridal shower" party available. Or find a way to combine it with a fundraising effort or food drive for your local animal shelter. People are doing lots of different things these days. The standard "bridal shower" is very passée. :D

February 8th, 2006, 01:01 PM
Thanks everyone! I didnt think twice until a friend said I shouldn't. I don't have everything that is for sure, if anything I still use hand me down dishes and pots ect...

I do really like the fundraiser idea. I can do it for Bill 132 support or I can do it for my local shelter. Good idea!

How do I do that though? Do I offer like a donor card in each invite...How do I know they actually did donate something?

February 8th, 2006, 02:31 PM
pffff...I know which friend you shouldn't invite to the shower. ;) hehe

yeah you should get one. Even if you have everything, there plenty of things one can think of for a gift that you don't have already. Just takes a bit of creativity and creative gifts are most fun!:D

jesse's mommy
February 8th, 2006, 02:58 PM
I was wondering the same thing when I first saw the title of the thread. We are in the same situation, but we actually do have everything because we've been living together for 4 years -- I just realized how long it's been. Anyway, I think I would register for a bunch of gift certificates for Best Buy and get an 80 inch plasma HDTV or something like that. Oh wait -- I remember a friend of my moms had a shower and it was a second wedding for the couple and they also had everything. Anyway, they set something up that people "donated" money to their honeymoon through the travel agent and whatever was left over, they paid. And if you didn't want to donate to the vacation portion you could order them breakfast in bed one day or treat them to an island activity instead. It was something different, but pretty creative.

February 8th, 2006, 05:20 PM
We lived together for 2 years and just got married this summer, we had 3 showers. All the stuff we had in our apartment was stuff we'd had since our college/university days, which was all hand me downs and alot of it was very old. Plus it's not really up to the bride whether or not she gets showers, right?

February 8th, 2006, 05:57 PM
I think it's tacky to ask for money, unless it's for a charitable donation. Asking people to fund your honeymoon is bad taste IMO (and in Ann Landers' opinion).

I would have a shower though. It might not be the beginning of your relationship, but it's the beginning of your married life together. Just be sure to register for a lot of different stuff to give people a lot of options for price and stores...

We had a housewarming when we bought this house, but since nobody came, there's no doubt we'll have a wedding

February 8th, 2006, 07:15 PM
First off, CONGRATULATIONS :crazy:

Did anyone see the episode of Sex in the City, when someone "takes" Carrie's shoes at a baby b-day party, and she totals up the amount of $ spent on bridal showers / wedding presents / baby showers / baby 1st b-day's etc, in the past year? So, she sends an "I'm getting married to myself" invite the hostess, w/ the only 'registered' item, a replacement pair of the 'lost' shoes??

Heehee....this post reminded me of it :D

I've known lots of people who have lived together for years before marrying - some have had showers, others did not, while most had very 'scaled back' events... (I'm sure me & my friends are not the norm though- as several have gone away & eloped, with only 1 or 2 witnesses, some have had weddings in a conservation area, others on a hill...none of us are 'big wedding' there is a bit of a bias.....)

IMO, bridal showers were meant to help the couple start out in their new life....since most would be moving out of the family's home for the first time & wouldn't have anything.

While I'm always excited about helping friends celebrate a new chapter in their lives - I'm not really convinced a bridal shower to replace their current household things, is the best way to go.... esp many of the guests (ie. friends) are often in the same position of trying to start out in life after university/college, etc...

I've had some friends that have had 2 showers, stag & doe + wedding (presents at each one, of course) - I luv them dearly, and am truly happy for them, but when you start multiplying it out for several couples per year - it becomes very expensive for the guests (I figure I've spent several thousands over the past 3 yrs on such events, while I continue to use my university aquired household goods :rolleyes:

So, my advice....if you want a shower - than you should have one, but keep it simple, with close family & friends. I love the idea of using it as a fundraiser for a local charity! One friend at her wedding, instead of having guest 'tink' their glass or say a poem / sing a song, etc to get a kiss from the new couple, they asked for donations to the heart & stroke foundation - very fitting, as the groom's grandmother had passed away early that year due to a stroke - I thought it was a beautiful tribute :angel:

It sounds like this is something you want, so don't let your friend or anyone else ruining it for you.....I'm just giving you the argument from the 'other perspective'....

Happy planning,


February 8th, 2006, 07:29 PM
First off, CONGRATULATIONS :crazy:

Did anyone see the episode of Sex in the City, when someone "takes" Carrie's shoes at a baby b-day party, and she totals up the amount of $ spent on bridal showers / wedding presents / baby showers / baby 1st b-day's etc, in the past year? So, she sends an "I'm getting married to myself" invite the hostess, w/ the only 'registered' item, a replacement pair of the 'lost' shoes??

Heehee....this post reminded me of it :D
I remember that one. It's true though. This year, we've had at least 3 showers and next year we have a bunch of weddings and all 'need' gifts. What about those of us who don't get married or have kids? When do we "cash in"?

jesse's mommy
February 8th, 2006, 07:37 PM
Jim and I were just talking about this. We are probably going to get married before the end of the year. Our plan is to get on a plane, fly to an island, and get married on a beach with the sunset. Just us, no one else. It won't be a secret, we just don't want a wedding. If anyone wants to come, it's up to them to plan a vacation. I asked him, what happens then? Is this something that would be appropriate to register and have a shower? Maybe make a registry at Best Buy, Home Depot, or Lowes for home improvement things, but if we don't have a wedding I personally don't think it would be right to have a shower. He said, "we really don't need anything from anyone. We are fine as we are and we don't need to spend everyones money like your sister did". Which is true, but the evil selfish side in me says "I WANT PRESENTS!"

February 8th, 2006, 07:53 PM
My friends who went away by themselves (we knew, but no one was invited!) all had a small event to celebrate so the parents didn't completely abandon them :p

Afterwards, some had bbq's in the backyard, while one couple invited close family & friends out for dinner at a local pub with a 'semi-private' room (they arrranged several 'selected menus' for guests to choose from) - and afterwards, the house band came on (as is typical for any Sat night), and the the rest of the pub patrons & our group spent the night singing along to some good irish tunes & having a very fun, very relaxed night....and of course, b/c they did put on this event, we all brought presents - while they didn't need to run up a huge debt for a one night party :)

Soo....just need to be creative....:)


February 8th, 2006, 08:25 PM
What about those of us who don't get married or have kids? When do we "cash in"?
LOL! I was just thinking about that. I knew a woman at work who felt the same way. She never married, never had kids and never contributed to any bridal or baby showers for the exact reason you indicated ("I'll never get to cash in, so why should I dish out?"). People still threw her one heck of a retirement party, though. I was one of those people who did contribute to everything, but I was "never" going to have kids, so the thought crossed my mind once in a while, too. I still gave, though, just to avoid the "talk". I wound up having two kids, by the way. Now that I look back on it, though, I got screwed out of a decent bridal shower and baby shower at work, so I guess it didn't work out for me after all, but that's beside the point. My point is, just remember that you are still young and "never" is a very long time. ;)

February 8th, 2006, 09:18 PM
"I'll never get to cash in, so why should I dish out?"

Actually, I think Prin was referencing the argument by Carrie on the Sex in the City episode in that she had a "wedding to herself" to 'cash in' (correct me if I'm wrong, Prin).....;)

.....glad someone else saw it, so I'm not just babbling on, w/ no one understanding what I'm talking about :p

February 8th, 2006, 09:29 PM
Prin= What about those of us who don't get married or have kids? When do we "cash in"?

Why birthdays of course - I have a friend that isnt married nor as kids - anyways her birthday is a huge production every year and every year we are supposed to travel six hours to Vancouver to celebrate her birthday and lavish her with expensive gifts and wine and dine her all night. So while all of us are married with kids and had the showers etc she still gets these fancy pancy birthday parties every year.

February 8th, 2006, 11:34 PM
My point is, just remember that you are still young and "never" is a very long time. ;)I still buy for the showers etc, but people have to understand that by the 5th kid in a season, we're worn a little thin- especially if they're all friends. And most of the time, we won't get anything in return ever. There won't be a huge occasion, unless we through our own "marrying myself" shower. Yes, never say never, but if having these two puppies this week has taught me anything, it's that I won't be a mom for a really, really, really, really long time at the very least... ;)

JECM, my birthdays come and go with barely a thing to show for them. I'm not a birthday person at all. Oh well.:D

I guess my bitterness varies with the people too. Some people have the richest, most supportive folks around, and to give them the food off my table hurts a little. But if you are a great person and you've had your share of struggles, I'm here for you to the end.

February 8th, 2006, 11:42 PM
Luvmypit, I cant imagine why your friend said you shouldnt, but I certainly agree with others.. a shower for sure!

My congrats and best wishes to you on your upcoming wedding.:love: How wonderful!

February 9th, 2006, 03:38 PM
Thanks again! My ring is being made so not engaged yet. SHould be by next week!

I do understand the persepective of not having a shower b/c you already live togther but at the same time what if you all lived seperatly but on your own.

I am definately going to make it simple. I am a simple person and do not like to be the centre of attention. I want to get married at city hall and just go away on a honeymoon come back and have a party, at hall yes but no cake cutting, wedding dress, bouquet throwing. Nope just have a seat, eat and drink (were irish so it certainly a past time at least for my family) and dance are butts off. Just a wicked party.

I totally understand being a shower attendee and having to fork over big doe for presents so I will make sure my list include a lot of things under $20. I also dont want a large shower, just close friends and family and maybe a BBQ type thing.

I also only want 1 shower cause honestly I never found them fun. I know some women do but god to me they are sooooooo boring! I will try to make mine more relaxed and have a more tradional one for my future babys shower.

February 9th, 2006, 04:20 PM
My son and DIL had everything,bridal-shower,stag-party and Jack and Jill and they had lived together for 2 yrs before they got married.
I've always been amazed at big weddings and all the gifts the couple get.
My son and DIL are now divorced,stayed married for 10yrs:sad:
Hubbie and I got married in a Church-Chapel in Sweden,two friends as witnesses and afterwards,we had 4 bottels of Champagne and a big bowl of peanuts,that's it!
The only wedding-gift we got was a set of pots and pans from my estranged father:D But we are going strong after 40yrs:thumbs up
I really like the idea of an Island wedding,barefoot in the sand with flowers in your hair.

February 9th, 2006, 06:24 PM
Certainly a good friend/s or relative/s should hold a shower for you-you're getting married! Your friend should be happy for you :). Good luck!

February 10th, 2006, 12:58 PM
Ya this friend is one of those friends that say very subtle things that you can't really say much about but get under your skin. YOu wonder if its on purpose or is she just absent minded. Maybe a little bit of both. But I thought I certainly don't want to offend anyone or for people to wonder why is she having one. So i thought I'd ask. Thank god for PETS.CA

February 11th, 2006, 03:40 PM
Although my fiance and I didn't live together before we got married, we still had plenty of controversy leading up to the engagement. By the time our wedding was drawing near (after a 2 year engagement), I was nervous as could be about my showers. Even though I'd always hated them myself, I had a couple that were REALLY fun. The work showers might be a necessity, but the showers with your friends (and suprisingly in my case, family) were extremely LOVE-filled events. It was a time to relish this special time in our lives. Whether you have one shower or 10 (couples who have THAT many are just in for STRESS) please remember that the people hosting TRULY care about you--and that is a wonderful feeling. One other tiny piece of advice (just my opinion), I tried to not invite anyone other than my immediate family and my BEST of friends to more than one shower--I didn't want anyone to feel like they had to double-gift, and I could EASILY tell my best buds and mom not to do that. :) Best wishes--I hope ALL of your wedding AND marriage dreams come true!

February 11th, 2006, 11:39 PM
It's not about "cashing in". I never had kids, so no baby showers. Showers are all about friends and relatives pooling together to support and help someone they love. I always chip-in for gifts at the office, showers, etc. I do hate being told what I should buy however. I know it's easier to just look at a "want list", but I think it's made gift-giving really impersonal. Themes are nice and can be fun, especially when it's a couple who have been together awhile. While I didn't have baby showers, I did "hit the jackpot" when my Pop, and then my Mom, died. The support, cards, flowers, fruit baskets, etc. were overwhelming. Life isn't about keeping tally of what you get and what you get back. It's about pooling our resources to help people we love during all the highpoints, and lowpoints, we will all encounter in our lives. We may miss some, but we will certainly go through some others. It evens out. Actually, I did have a baby shower. When I got Den-Den, some neighbors and friends threw me a "Puppy Shower". Enjoy your wedding shower! You're entitled to everything your friends and family wish to do for you. I think the giving is part of the fun, and should be from the heart. It would be ungracious to deny letting them feel good about doing it.