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wedding woes

raingirl
January 15th, 2006, 06:00 PM
Ok. BF and I want to get married. I was hoping we would this summer. We aren't going to do the traditional get engaged, announce to everyone, plan something big a year from now and invite everyone we know.

We already know we want immediate family and a few close friends, but that's it (20-25 people). We know where we are having it. We already have the colours planned out, where we are getting the cake, flowers chosen...

but no date.

Problem is, bf doesn't want to make the commitment because he feels bad being so broke, and letting me pay for it all (which I totally don't mind doing). He is looking for a new job, however, hasn't found one yet. He just graduated a year ago from UNiversity and has a ton of debt. He has explained to me how he wants it to be traditional, in the sense that he wants to be stable financially before he feels he can move on.

According to his sister in law, his brother was the same way. She had to actually break up with him to get through to him that it didn't matter! She just wanted to be with him and move on with thier lives. So what if they were poor, it didn't matter! So, after they broke up, he realised what he was going to loose, so he got his butt in gear.

I don't want to break up with bf, but I feel like I am going to have to take the initiative or he will just sit on his butt. He turns 36 next year already (he took a while to figure out what he wanted to do with his life) and at this rate we will never get married, buy a house or start a family.

We are already "technically" engaged (no ring though, and we haven't told anyone, as his family is big and we don't want them all knowing and then not invite them to a wedding), and legally common law (been living together 3 years).

Would it be insensitive of me to just outright say "lets get married X date, what do you think?" or would that just make him feel bad?

jesse's mommy
January 15th, 2006, 06:10 PM
I say go for it. I'm in the same situation -- sort of. He is 36 and I'm 30. He has terrible credit and is in between jobs -- again (not that I mind because there are times where you have to try a few different companies before you find the right one you want to stay with). I went as far as when we found our ring, I told him he can use my credit card for it as long as he pays it and we keep it between us -- there are some things that family doesn't need to be involved with because they will hold things over your head if things go wrong. Anyway, I think you should go for it. Sometimes you have to light a fire underneath their feet to get them moving. I don't see anything wrong with it. That's what a "team" is about. You are there for him to help out when he needs it and if you need him, he'll be right there for you. :thumbs up

raingirl
January 15th, 2006, 07:08 PM
Wow. I was worried I was going to get the "maybe he doesn't want to after all" responses.

Well, you know what I'm doing right now? I'm planning it. No hurt in that right? Setting a budget, making a guest list, etc etc....

I just realised that we want Odin to be in the wedding, but where can he go for the reception? We are having it at a small country restaurant that has a bunch of separate rooms you can rent for parties. maybe they will allow him there?

jesse's mommy
January 15th, 2006, 07:13 PM
What harm is there in asking if he could be there? You can tell them he is part of the wedding party -- the ring bearer? Are you going to get a little tuxedo for him? That would be adorable.

raingirl
January 15th, 2006, 07:24 PM
Yes we were. We were going to get him a little tux, and then tie the ring pillow to his back.

Our colours are going to be black and yellow (I know, weird). My BF is filipino, and in filipino tradition (before the spanish conquest of the 1500's) was that women wear black dresses, and men wear a white shirt called a Barong. So we are going to do that.

I am thinking of a plain black dress for me (inexpensive), with a yellow accent of some kind, like a satin ribbon around the waist. We are going to import 500 flowers from Hawaii (plumeria blooms) and they only come in yellow. Everyone is going to get a flower either in their hair or as a pin, and then we will have flowers floating in pottery on the tables, with candles in the middle. I have a cake picked out, and we already know which bakery to get it at, as two of our relatives have nut allergies, and the bakery is a nut free one.

We have the room picked out that will hold 25 people, and all we need to do is go in, pick the food and the date, and then we are set.

Oh yeah...I guess we need an officient too..and rings (was hoping BF would design them and we would get them custom made)

shannonRN
January 15th, 2006, 07:28 PM
My feeling is that marriage is (or should be) "for better or for worse." If you find it all-important to wait for the "for better" part, it defeats the purpose of committing to sicking it out through the "for worse" times.

Tell him you tried doing it his way since ______ (insert time when you first agreed to wait for things to be stable) and it's not working. Now it's time to try it your way--which is that you love each other and that has nothing to do with what job he works. Then propose to him in the usual way...only make it "will you marry me on August 23rd?"

jesse's mommy
January 15th, 2006, 07:36 PM
I think that sounds gorgeous.

We've already decided on our wedding too. Actually, we aren't going to have a wedding. We are going to fly to an island and get married on a beach during sunset. I want a simple summer wedding dress - almost like a sundress, but not that casual. He will wear either a tuxedo with shorts or nice khakis with a long/thin white shirt and neither of us will have shoes on and a simple bouquet of flowers for me. We might invite his best friend with his wife and my best friend with her husband, but that is still up in the air. Our thing is that our families are so different, that it would be extremely difficult for us to have a wedding. We've been together for about 4 1/2 years and our parents haven't met yet. We are delaying that as much as possible. I explained it to my parents and they are alright with it. You see in most people's books, his parents are a little weird and extremely tiresome to be around (actually annoying). I can only handle them for extremely short periods of time and he is the same way about them.

raingirl
January 15th, 2006, 07:56 PM
wow. Sounds like my parents!

Our parents haven't met either. I am extremely embarrased of my parents (and my family in general). My mother is bi-polar and has absolutely no social skills. Any conversation you have with her is 90% her complaining and 10% trying to get a word in edgewise. At my neices babtism years ago, she spent an hour badmouthing my dad after he left in front of her son-in-law and his entire rich well to do family. It was so embarassing.

Our wedding will just be family (and the odd bf/gf of our sisters/brothers), and my two best friends if they can get to canada (both live abroad right now, and may not be able to afford to travel). in all, with dates and children included (one not even born yet), that's only 22 people. If my friends can't show, that's 5 of the list, down to 17, and my sis and his bro may not bring dates, so could be as little as 15. How expensive do you think a meal for that many would be? We are doing a summer lunch thing, nothing large, very light, maybe even do a sunday brunch. That would be cool! Imagine, have a nice sunrise wedding by the river, then back inside for waffles (with all the fixings) sausages, eggs, bacon, rice (for the filipinos), toast, hashbrowns, pancakes, fresh fruit, coffee, tea....Mmmm...

jesse's mommy
January 15th, 2006, 08:15 PM
I know reasonably priced sit down dinners can cost anywhere from about $40 to $75 per person. Lunch would easily be a lot more cost effective, let's say $15 to $35 (depending on what you pick). Breakfast would definitely be the least expensive. I think you have a wonderful plan and should stick to it. Just make sure you mother takes her medication beforehand (Ha! Ha!) :eek:

I wish I could just give a pill to his parents to shut them up sometimes. I won't even go into details about them, but I can say I had to stay with them for about a month here before he moved down (he finished stuff in Maryland while I started the new job here and looked for a house). Anyway, it was the worst month of my life. Christmas was horrible this year. Here is an idea, his parents went looking for a place to play Bingo on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, I went and did my laundry at a laundromat that never closes. I seriously cried for days straight because Christmas was always a wonderfully special holdiay for me and should truly be celebrated as a family gathering and giving a reason to appreciate what you have. His parents don't understand that at all!!! So good luck and enjoy it. Don't let it stress you out. They say weddings and funerals bring out the best and worse in people!

joeysmama
January 16th, 2006, 09:35 AM
Your wedding plans sound beautiful. There are so many options available to you. It might make your BF feel better if you actually did the wedding portion just the two of you. Then he wouldn't feel as though you were paying for the wedding. Slip away and have the legal ceremony and then later have the family event. If he thinks of that as the "celebration" more than as the wedding it might be easier on his pride?? I'm just thinking out loud. Let him pay for a nice night away in a hotel or B & B and you can get married there. Then when you want to have a party to celebrate it's kind of a different story. And you can always do the ceremony for the sake of the family. I knew a girl who married her husband in France, where they were living. A few months later they moved back to the states and had the white dress, ring bearers, whole shebang for the family.

I think your dress sounds so elegant !! And how nice that you are going to honor his heritage.

We had a brunch for my daughter's baptism and it was so lovely. Saved us a lot of money and was a little departure from the usual. Eggs Benedict, Wffles, Mimosa's .... they can do such a nice menu for something like that.

Best of luck to you and POST PICTURES !!!!! :love:

Bushfire2000
January 16th, 2006, 10:09 AM
What you have planned sounds wonderful. I don't think there is anything wrong with a brunch to celebrate, and having such an intimate group would be lovely.

Some friends of ours slipped away and got married, with only their parents and dog(Bichon complete with bow tie) at the ceremony.

We were very good friends and we were hurt, but not by the fact that they got married without us.

But by the invitation to a Bar-B-Q at their house at a latter date (I bet with my husband that they were going to announce their engagement then) but it was to celebrate their wedding.
The hurt was because they denied their friends a chance to truly celebrate with them. I would have liked to have know before hand that a wedding was being celebrated. I wanted to bring a gift, if they didn't want a gift they could have said so and it would have been fine.

It was not a problem that they got married without us there but to not tell us that we were celebrating a wedding was rude.

joeysmama
January 16th, 2006, 11:28 AM
Bushfire I agree. It would have been nice if you had known. They probably wanted to be magnanimous and not make anyone feel that they needed to bring a gift, but that should have been your option.

The couple I was talking about that got married in France...well their wedding stateside was in Indiana so that was kind of far for some friends. So her parents had a luncheon reception for them when they visited here. It was very nice. Just the friends who truly WANTED to celebrate with them. It wasn't a huge reception so I don't think anyone felt the need to buy expensive gifts, but we had the opportunity to give them something. About 20 people at a nice sit down lunch. Very tasteful.

On our 10th anniversry we went to a bed and breakfast. There was a young couple there who was being married by the innkeeper who was also a justice of the peace. They wanted to have a wedding with their families but he was Jewish and she was Catholic and neither set of parents would compromise on the ceremony. So they missed out on a blessing and strangers got to wish their children well on their wedding day.

melanie
January 16th, 2006, 02:36 PM
we were recently invited to a barbeque, when we got there we were told there would be a short wedding ceremony before dinenr, it was a surprise for us all and a great way to do it, cost next to nothing as well.

it was nice....

just do what you wanna and dont let anyone influence your decision...

Bearsmom
January 16th, 2006, 06:05 PM
Hubby and I got married at Old City Hall in Toronto. We were going to do the big wedding thing, but as hubby's divorced, and a different religion than mine, we weren't going to make any headway with my church (they wanted him to annul his first marriage thus making his child illegitimate in the church's eyes), plus they told us he'd have to convert to my religion, blah de blah de blah.

So one night we're lying in bed and he looks over and says, "what about court? Ya wanna get married there?" "Sure" I said, so we did. Called our parents and said we're getting married Friday, be there. It was the easiest, most stress free thing we'd done.

About 2 weeks later, we hosted a huge BBQ at our house. When we'd sent out the invites, we just worded it as "come celebrate the recent marriage of ..."

Much easier, less stressful, no pain. Yes, we were poor as churchmouses.

Bushfire2000
January 16th, 2006, 06:16 PM
Bearsmom that sounds wonderful, very romantic.
Melanie that was a Bar-B-Q to remember, I'm sure. It sounded like a great way to get married.
I absolutly agree that you should do what you want raingirl and best wishes.

glasslass
January 16th, 2006, 06:55 PM
I got married in a church ceremony with 300 guests and family. We were so young. It was a blur. Do this now, take pictures now, now it's time to cut the cake. If I didn't have an album full of lovely pictures, I probably would barely remember it. The photos do bring back memories. Since then I've been to lots and lots of different weddings. The small, intimate, personal ones are the ones I remember best, not the big, elaborate, expensive ones. Do your own thing, enjoy every minute of it, and, no matter what, take lots and lots of pictures.