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depression/panic attacks/work rant

raingirl
January 7th, 2006, 07:55 PM
I remember seeing that a few other members here suffer from the same problem.

I was diagnosed with a dysthymic disorder and social anxiety many years ago. Was basically told that I can take meds which are like taking tylenol for the pain of a broken bone, it masks the problem but doen't cure the broken bone, or I can have therapy to fix my problems.

Well, I tried the therapy route and it didn't really work. I was basically told that I worry too much, and because the worries are problems, I need to fix the problems to solve the anxiety.

Except, not all problems are fixable. My doc. believes I have dyslexia. There is no cure for dyslexia, only coping mechanisms. And each person with it is so different, there are no treatment strategies. The few that are available are for children to help them learn, which is a little late for me (btw-there is a class action law suit going on in quebec now for people who have dyslexia who are suing the schools who missed the diagnosis..something like that).

I am stuck. I don't know what to do. I am having panic attacks when I am not at work when I think about work because it depresses me so much, and I am so worried about getting fired. I try and be as fast as I can, but my manager (as previously mentioned) stresses me SOOOO much that it makes me so anxious that I make mistakes. She thinks I am not trying or learning what she is teaching me, which is not the case. I read and re-read every report I give to her about 20 times (which takes a long time) and check for every possible thing she has asked me to watch out for. Inevitably I miss a few, she comes to me and says "we talked about this, why do you keep missing it?? Fix it!". It's not like I'm not trying!! This week I worked several days for 12 hours plus just because I was so anxious and had to stay late to get everything done.

On top of all this, my bf is getting pissy that I'm never home it seems. I'm stressed about work, driving, and I can't sleep or eat. On a normal day I leave at 7:20 am, get to work by 8:30, leave at 5 pm, get home by 6:30 (it is taking me more than an hour each way during rush hour and I HATE IT!). That's almost 12 hours gone from home. My bf is now walking the dog each time, making dinner, doing all the dishes, cleaning, etc.

on the bright side, working more hours means more pay for me, as I get paid by the hour as long as I am at work. And BF has a job interview next week for a job that pays more than his current one, which we need.

I guess I needed to vent. I don't see how working women do this with family and kids. When did life get so complicated? I don't want to be the person who has to take their kids to daycare at 7 am, and not pick them up until 6 pm (my sis does that). I don't want to be so depressed and stressed and tired that I'm a butthead all the time.

I want my life back. I want to be happy again. I don't want to have panic attacks worrying about when my manager will next yell at me. I don't want to be the one hoping she won't come in to work one day so I can be less stressed for at least 8 hours. I litterally get startled whenever I hear footsteps outside my office now. When I hear someone coming my heart starts racing and I feel like crap. That is no way to live!

If BF gets this new job though, it is not accesable by transit from where we are, so we have no idea what we are going to do, as I need the car for work (job requirement as I need to drive to see clients sometimes). I may have to quit afterall.

Prin
January 7th, 2006, 08:07 PM
Aww... That's all too bad. I would have hoped that you had quit by now.. I don't believe that any job should be all work and no play. If it sucks, it should at least be funny enough to laugh at once in a while. I can understand your boyfriend though. Everybody keeps telling me to get a job while I'm studying (because 5 biology courses isn't enough) and I say, I'd rather be poor and home than barely making it anyway and never home.

I don't know how the moms do it either. Independent kids, I guess. I know my dad was a single, hard-working dad but we were mini-adults that he didn't have to worry about. If he was late, we had dinner ready (I was cooking alone by 8). I think that's why so many of my generation want to be stay at home parents- we never had parents..

For the anxiety- you need a new shrink. That one doesn't sound right. Anxiety, as I've said before, is more of a cup overflowing thing. The current stress runs over and causes the attack, but even if you manage to deal with this one event, the cup is still full. You have to empty the cup. You have to go way back and look at everything piece by piece. That is what psychoanalysts are for. I think their techniques are much longer lasting. You learn how to keep your cup empty, so a drip in it here and there is not as dramatic.

I hope everything works out for you.:grouphug: We're here to listen, anyway.:grouphug:

raingirl
January 7th, 2006, 08:49 PM
Yeah. I would love a psychologist/psychiatrist to go to, but can't afford it. I got it free when in University, but not anymore! Oh well.

I'm almost tempted to try meds from my doc. Depression is genetic in my family (mom and one sister are bi-polar) so I may have a chemical imbalance in my brain and meds may help with it.

I know what you mean about the cooking at 8!! My parents slpit up when I was 7, and my mom was a MESS. She became a party girl, would meet a man, stay with him a few months, break up, and then try and overdose or kill herself, and end up in the local psych ward for a few weeks/months. Talk about stressfull. Going through puberty alone is stressful, and your peers knowing your mom is on the "10th floor" is evenworse! (the 10th floor was the psych ward at the local hospital). I got so embarrased and stressed because all the teachers and parents knew I was a charity case. When the guidance counsellors would call me out of class I would have panic attacks (at 11!). I eventually learned to put on a brave face and ignore the suffering. Was a heck of a lot easier than getting all emotional about it. That's why I don't trust anyone. I have to do everything myself, never ask for help. No one can do it as good as me, or if I need help, it shows weekness.

I think a lot of my worries about love/family stem from that. When I was a kid, I babysat my two younger sisters while my mom was out most of the time. Sometimes at night I would stay up late and couldn't sleep until she got home, and worry constantly that something happened to her. Now if my BF is out walking the dog and doesn't come back quick, I start freaking out. What if something happened? I also fear that my bf (and now Odin) will die in their sleep. Sometimes I wake up freaking out because I can't hear one of them breathing. Once I woke in the middle of the night because I couldn't hear Odin. I walked over to him and he was cold! I freaked out. I started calling his name, and he didn't move or anything. After a few minutes, one sleepy eye started glaring at me, and I know he was thinking "what the heck are you doing? I'm trying to sleep!!"

Also, it was freaky only being 10 or so and watching a 7 and 5 year old alone in our scary old house. I would lock us up all in one room, turn out the lights, and shut all the curtains. There were a lot of teen boys on our street who liked to come by and freak us out by climbing up to our windows and sticking their heads there to startle me. I recall one night I was washing dishes, and there was a window right in front of the sink, and this stupid boy (Andrew Allen...still remember his name) climbed up the pool ladder we had stored under the window for the winter. I looked up and there was this head floating there. Freaked the hell out of me. That's why I never leave windows open at night anymore. They must all have curtains/blinds, and must be shut!!

sorry...ranting... I also think that some of my "adult rebelion" stresses come from that. Most people get a little responsibility as they grow up. Parents will keep adding on as they get older. By they time they go to university, they start to learn to cook, clean, etc. Even some kids don't learn that all then, as they live with their parents still. being that I supported myself from an early age (did the cooking, cleaning, even worked on my own to buy my own clothes because we were so poor). I got to the point recently where I was like "I've been cooking, washing dishes, doing laundry for YEARS! I want a break! I don't want to be an adult anymore!"

Ideally, I want to be able to go to work, and not spend an hour on transit/in the car. I want to be able to work my 8 hours, not be stressed about it, in a relaxed environment, then go home, relax, eat dinner, and go to bed at a reasonable hour. I can't function on less than 8 hours sleep, and 9 is better, so I go to bed at 9 pm..if I don't get home until 6:30 or 7 pm sometimes with traffic, that leaves very little time to relax and let my brain shut down from work.

Joey.E.CockersMommy
January 7th, 2006, 09:29 PM
Raingirl I did get fired from my last job. I couldnt do anything right my supervisor was horrible and was making mistakes because I was so so scared I was going too. One day she came up to me and through something on my desk that I apparently did wrong or filed wrong and made some comment about how "you can never do anything right can you" anyways I walked out of the office into the bathroom and burst into tears and stayed in there for 30 minutes. They fired me on the same day I had arranged to go visit my sister that had cancer. It was like we hope your sister gets better, and oh by the way " your fired" (images of Donald Trump"

I was so scared everyday that I would get fired from that job with that horrible women that made me miserable. But now I am so glad that I dont have to work with this women. Last time I saw her she asked how I was. I replied wonderful and I have a much better job now. At that place another assistant got fired a week before me, and the assistant that I took over for too also apparently got fired. So I guess everyone they hire is incompetent. :D

Anyways not sure what advice I have for you and it sucks to get fired and you feel like a big looser. But people like this women you work with and the women I used to work with arent just worth the anxiety.

Prin
January 7th, 2006, 10:38 PM
I eventually learned to put on a brave face and ignore the suffering. Was a heck of a lot easier than getting all emotional about it. That's why I don't trust anyone. I have to do everything myself, never ask for help. No one can do it as good as me, or if I need help, it shows weekness. I am the same, same way. It sucks in university too because if I miss a class, it takes all my power to ask somebody for their notes. I study alone, I work alone- even at home. If I ask my boyfriend to do something (he grew up with a real "mom"- not that there's anything wrong with that), he has to be taught to the point where I end up doing it myself. We had rules for everything because efficiency was key... (Even for balling socks... If you ball them weakly, you might lose one and that would be the end of it all!)

Most people get a little responsibility as they grow up. Parents will keep adding on as they get older. By they time they go to university, they start to learn to cook, clean, etc. Even some kids don't learn that all then, as they live with their parents still. being that I supported myself from an early age (did the cooking, cleaning, even worked on my own to buy my own clothes because we were so poor). I got to the point recently where I was like "I've been cooking, washing dishes, doing laundry for YEARS! I want a break! I don't want to be an adult anymore!"I totally understand that. I went through that for about 2 or 3 years after I moved out. We still do our dishes and laundry way less then we should. And we eat a lot of frosted cereals...:o They say that people who had too much responsibility growing up are less likely to have kids out of a sort of selfish rebellion... We're just now starting to get over that whole thing. I don't want to not have kids because I did laundry when I was little, you know? That's a crappy reason and it wasn't my fault, either, so why should I waste more time rebelling?

But I also had fun- I travelled, I worked at fun places and I got my babies to play with... It's hard to rebel when you're tied down, you know?

There aren't any hospitals with free shrinks? Here they're free, but you have to wait a while to get in.

kuroguro
January 9th, 2006, 06:43 AM
dear raingirl,

i read this thread and felt the need to respond. i, too suffer from anxiety/panic attacks and i guess depression too. when i think about it, i have struggled with these issues for a number of years - maybe my whole adult life. currently i am a phd student and the stress and pressure of having to perform, excel, distinguish myself in a very competitive environment really magnified all my fears and anxieties. after years of shunning medication, i finally gave it a try and it has REALLY helped me. i don't feel like it's the tylenol metaphor. for me, it's allowed me to keep my head above water without having to feel like i am working so hard to stay afloat all the time, ya know what i mean? combined with therapy, i am able to be more calm in looking at the causes. as for your work, etc... that's hard. i do think that there are some environments/situations that people with anxiety should avoid at all cost because along the way, we have learned to "manage" the unmanageable and kick ourselves when we feel we are losing control. i don't know if there are other options for you right now but if you can, take away the toxic people who are draining your energy. you need it for yourself. good luck to you and i really, really empathize.

babyrocky1
January 10th, 2006, 09:11 PM
Well. Im one of the people who posted last time about panick attacks, I have been suffering from them for years, I take meds if I really cant stop an attack but for the past three years things have been mounting, or sliding I guess it depends how you look at it, severely, I used to teach in two places, have my own bus and a job, now I have only my own business and a part time job, I have gone heavily into debt and my daughter and I fight constantly cause she owes me alot of money and hasn't been working, she was waiting for a cheque for 900.00 to pay part of what she owes me and today I found out shes nt getting that check, This week I was so stressed out that I shattered a filling in my tooth from biting down so hard from the STRESS. BEtween bill 132 and all of this I don't feel like I can cope anymore, Ive passed stressed out and Im now thourouly depressed, I would never let my finances get this far out of control on my own, but my daughter knows how to push my buttons and guilt me out emotionally to the point that i will put myself in jeprody , Im now totally freaked, what if Rocky needs emergency vet caare, what If I do...medical that is, I have tons of orders for commisions but im sooo stressed out I cant concentrate! (also I ned a substancial line of credit until I get paid for the art, its not like I can t urn them out like a factory, I cant eve think about the money when Im doing art, Sorry for all of this everyone but Ive just had it, its been three years of relentless bad news! I thought that if I got poliically active about bill 132 I would feel better but between this and that I just feel so overwhelmed, I just had to get it out, sorry...Im starting counselling soon, so I can rant at the counsellor instead of you guys, :eek: But theres now no space between the "attacks its like living with a perpetual panick attack all the time. Until the stresss exausts me and then I just go into a deep depression. Im having a really baaaad day!:sorry:

Prin
January 10th, 2006, 09:24 PM
No sorries! I'm sorry you're in such a bad situation. You need to go for a massage!!:grouphug: