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you will laugh out loud at this (long...)

twinmommy
August 14th, 2005, 08:50 PM
got this on email--enjoy!!

Dear Diary:


For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the
dear) purchased a week of
personal training at the local health club for me.
Although I am still in great shape since playing

on my college football
team 25yrs ago, I decided
it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a
try. I called the Club and
made my reservation with a personal trainer named
Belinda, who identified
herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics instructor and
model for athletic clothing
and swimwear. My wife seemed pleased with my
enthusiasm to get started! The
club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my
progress.


MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00am.
Tough to get out of bed, but it was well worth it
when I arrived at the
health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She was
something of a Greek
goddess -- with blonde hair, dancing eyes and a
dazzling white smile. Woo
Hoo!!!!!

She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill.
She was alarmed that my
pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing
next to her in her Lycra
aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way
in which she conducted
her aerobics class after my workout today. Very
inspiring, Belinda was
encouraging as I did my sit-ups, Although my gut was
already aching from
holding it in the whole time she was around. This is
going to be a FANTASTIC
week!!

TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it
out the door. Belinda
made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar
into the air, and then she
put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on
the treadmill, but I made
the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all
worthwhile. I feel
GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.

WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the
toothbrush on the
counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it.
I believe I have a
hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as
I didn't try to steer
or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club
parking lot. Belinda was
impatient with me, insisting that my screams
bothered the other club
members.

Her voice is a little too perky for early in the
morning and when she
scolds, she gets this nasally whines that is VERY
annoying. My chest hurts
when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on
the stair monster. Why the
hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an
activity rendered obsolete
by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get
in shape and enjoy life.

She said some other **** too.

THURSDAY:
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like
teeth exposed as her thin,
cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I
couldn't help being a Half an
hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes.
Belinda took me to workout
with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and
hid in the men's room.
She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put
me on the rowing machine
- which I sank.

FRIDAY:
I hate that ***** Belinda more than any human being
has ever hated any other
human being in the history of the world. Stupid,
skinny, anemic little
cheerleading *****. If there were a part of my body
could move without
unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda
wanted me to work on my
triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't
want dents in the floor,
don't hand me the*&%#!#&** barbells or anything that
weighs more than a sandwich.

The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health
and nutrition teacher.

Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the
drama coach or the choir
director?

SATURDAY:
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in
her grating, shrilly voice
wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing
her made me want to
smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked
the strength to even
use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven
straight hours of the Weather
Channel.

SUNDAY:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services
today so I can go and
thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray
that next year, my wife
(the *****), will choose a gift for me that is fun
like a root canal or a
vasectomy.