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you will laugh out loud at this (long...)

August 14th, 2005, 08:50 PM
got this on email--enjoy!!

Dear Diary:

For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the
dear) purchased a week of
personal training at the local health club for me.
Although I am still in great shape since playing

on my college football
team 25yrs ago, I decided
it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a
try. I called the Club and
made my reservation with a personal trainer named
Belinda, who identified
herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics instructor and
model for athletic clothing
and swimwear. My wife seemed pleased with my
enthusiasm to get started! The
club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my

Started my day at 6:00am.
Tough to get out of bed, but it was well worth it
when I arrived at the
health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She was
something of a Greek
goddess -- with blonde hair, dancing eyes and a
dazzling white smile. Woo

She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill.
She was alarmed that my
pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing
next to her in her Lycra
aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way
in which she conducted
her aerobics class after my workout today. Very
inspiring, Belinda was
encouraging as I did my sit-ups, Although my gut was
already aching from
holding it in the whole time she was around. This is
going to be a FANTASTIC

I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it
out the door. Belinda
made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar
into the air, and then she
put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on
the treadmill, but I made
the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all
worthwhile. I feel
GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.

The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the
toothbrush on the
counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it.
I believe I have a
hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as
I didn't try to steer
or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club
parking lot. Belinda was
impatient with me, insisting that my screams
bothered the other club

Her voice is a little too perky for early in the
morning and when she
scolds, she gets this nasally whines that is VERY
annoying. My chest hurts
when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on
the stair monster. Why the
hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an
activity rendered obsolete
by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get
in shape and enjoy life.

She said some other **** too.

Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like
teeth exposed as her thin,
cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I
couldn't help being a Half an
hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes.
Belinda took me to workout
with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and
hid in the men's room.
She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put
me on the rowing machine
- which I sank.

I hate that ***** Belinda more than any human being
has ever hated any other
human being in the history of the world. Stupid,
skinny, anemic little
cheerleading *****. If there were a part of my body
could move without
unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda
wanted me to work on my
triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't
want dents in the floor,
don't hand me the*&%#!#&** barbells or anything that
weighs more than a sandwich.

The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health
and nutrition teacher.

Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the
drama coach or the choir

Belinda left a message on my answering machine in
her grating, shrilly voice
wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing
her made me want to
smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked
the strength to even
use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven
straight hours of the Weather

I'm having the Church van pick me up for services
today so I can go and
thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray
that next year, my wife
(the *****), will choose a gift for me that is fun
like a root canal or a