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Dating outside religion?

Blaze01
July 26th, 2005, 10:35 AM
I have met the most wonderful guy...everything is going great, I mean he opens the cars doors takes me to nice places we have great converstation etc etc.
There is just one problem...I am catholic and he is mormon. My mother wouldnt be alarmed at this because she doesnt see it as a big deal...I think his family does though...His brother and sisters both married nonmembers of the mormon church but they had to convert...
I really like this guy...he is just amazing and everything and anything that I could ask for but I dont want to get my hopes up if his family and chuch are not going ot accept me...
I read some info. on the official mormon website and it said dating nonmembers is not frowned upon but the relationships never last. Do I plan on marrying this guy or anything? Who knows? I just dont want to put myself out there just to be in a tidal wave of drama.
Has anyone ever expericenced this?
How did things work out?
Could things work out?

heidiho
July 26th, 2005, 10:37 AM
I have never experienced that,but i just have to say,it is HARD to find a decent good guy,and if i did i would not let anything stand in the way,i believe you have to live for YOU,not anyone else,you only get ONE go around in life..............

chico2
July 26th, 2005, 10:55 AM
Heidiho,great advice,it all depends on the individual..
My son(not religous)married a wonderful girl,with a very catholic family.
He had to convert,although his heart was not in it,I myself am not religous in any way and my sons had to make up their own mind.
Anyway,my sons marriage lasted 10yrs,their differences started to gnaw on them and they eventually divorced :sad:
But maybe their love was just not strong enough to overcome the hurdles.

heidiho
July 26th, 2005, 11:09 AM
It is easy for me to say,my family and i were never that religous,i have just learned as i get older,gee,i only have one chance on this planet,and i have yet to find mr.right i am 35,so if i did,i would not let it go.....

Dogastrophe
July 26th, 2005, 11:09 AM
I came from a Baptist family and my wife from a Catholic family. While neither of us are what I would consider 'religious', our families still are. We have not had any problems / troubles with family over this in the almost nine years we've been married (or in the 16 years we've been together).

pags
July 26th, 2005, 11:19 AM
Hello! I've some experience in this, I think. I am Catholic... but a little over 10 years ago I wasn't very religious -- I didn't attend church, etc. I met a man who had no particular religious background - though he said his mother had converted to Judaeism. We married in my church -- although the priest warned us of difficulties, etc. I was surprised at just how many tensions the difference in religion did cause. For sure it was not the religious difference that ultimately caused our divorce... BUT I think because we (and our families) had disparaging views of marriage and relationships via religion -- it put a HUGE roadblock in the way of us EVER resolving the differences we did have.

I have since learned how important it is to have such fundamental things in common. I never put much stock in it before. But marriage is not easy - and the more the two of you can fall back on together the better.

I have since returned to my religion actively and I was very lucky to be married to a man who encouraged me. It means an enormous amount to me that not only has he been tolerant of my beliefs -- but developed his own interest and converted to Catholicism himself this year. It's a huge comfort for us to have this in common - especially when things are rough.

Blaze01
July 26th, 2005, 11:19 AM
Thanks for the advice guys!
See I know God but I wouldnt consider myself extremely religious...I dont go to church every sunday or preach to random people on the street but I do have a respect and love for my church.
Its also the fact that he is Mormon...when someone would say something about Mormons I would always think: Utah and polygamy...(because I was ignorant to their beleifs and way of life.)
This guy just makes me so happy and i really dont want to let this go...my family would not be upset if I dated someone outside of the church or even married them...they are very very laid back Catholics...
Is there a way to show his family that i might not be Mormon but I am a decent girl?

Schwinn
July 26th, 2005, 11:41 AM
There is no clear-cut answer on this one. It all depends on how strong the individuals religious convictions are. For example, I have dated people of many religions, and it was no big deal. However, when I dated someone who was devout...well, that didn't work out so well. I know that Cheryl wants to get Grace baptized, and we are having issues over that. She was thinking she wanted to go to church, but at this point isn't attached to any religion. I suggested Pagan...

There are lots of people who consider themselves part of a religion, but it would not be an issue (ie a non-practicing catholic, or a non-practicing jew). However, when it comes to the mormon religion (and this is only my observation), I don't know if there really is such a thing as a "non-practicing mormon". Most mormons I have met have been pretty strong in thier convictions (except for the friend I had who was a mormon when he lived at home). My advice would be to talk openly about each other's religious convictions and what they mean to you in a relationship, get it out of the way now before you become too emotionally involved and have to make a tough choice.

badger
July 26th, 2005, 11:44 AM
Behaviour is everything. If you behave like a 'decent girl', that will be enough. Has he done his missionary service already? I believe there are also 'degrees' of Mormonism, in the sense that some people are a little more laid back, not constantly preaching the word, and may be easier to be around if you're not part of the club. I think the sticking point may be children, which would have to be brought up as Mormons and at that point you might feel terribly excluded.

No decent Mormon believes in polygamy anymore.

There are some fine things about Mormonism, clean living, family values, integrity,etc. They do amazing work in the third world. Could be worse, if you sort out the practicalities, but these are KEY.

MollysMommy
July 26th, 2005, 11:47 AM
All you have to be is yourself. My extended family is very Catholic, and my boyfriend of 2 years is not. They have fallen in love with him anyways, and things couldn't be greater. Try and take each problem when it comes, and enjoy what you have with this guy. You don't want to throw away something that makes you happy. :)

Blaze01
July 26th, 2005, 11:54 AM
Behaviour is everything. If you behave like a 'decent girl', that will be enough. Has he done his missionary service already? I believe there are also 'degrees' of Mormonism, in the sense that some people are a little more laid back, not constantly preaching the word, and may be easier to be around if you're not part of the club. I think the sticking point may be children, which would have to be brought up as Mormons and at that point you might feel terribly excluded.

No decent Mormon believes in polygamy anymore.

There are some fine things about Mormonism, clean living, family values, integrity,etc. They do amazing work in the third world. Could be worse, if you sort out the practicalities, but these are KEY.


LOL...yea i know he doensnt believe in polygamy...I was just ignorant and thought that was what Mormans practiced...I have been researching the Morman beliefs and I have to say I was impressed...the religion itself is very beautiful. When I met his family for the first time I was very nervous because he is really close to his parents. I didnt want to say anything to put them off but then I didnt feel like I was being myself. We talk about this issue all the time and he has taught me alot (it took awhile to grasp some of it)

I just am head over heels infactuated (sp) with this guy...I guess the only thing I can really do is play it by ear...

twinmommy
July 26th, 2005, 12:41 PM
Religious differences only surfaced for me if the other person started insisting that I change. If you can both embrace your differences then it is like any other difference you may have. I was never the staunch Irish Catholic that I could have beeen raised as, until someone started implying that i convert to judaism,orthodox, or whatever the case was.

(but then that would have been just plain Irish stubbornism--not Catholicism!! :D )

I'd just enjoy for now, have fun together,--if things were meant to be this won't be an issue anyways. :)

CyberKitten
July 26th, 2005, 12:51 PM
My parents are both of different religions (both Irish tho - you kow the song the Orange and the Green, that's MY family!!) so I have lived this. My current bf is Jewish but that would not concern my folks or me in the least. My sister is Jewish (converted on marriage) so I have a Jewish nephew. My brother was married by a United Church Minister. We have an ecumenical family and love it!! Our family gathering are never boring!! (And as Twinmommy says, I think it has more to do with the Irish in us than the Catholicism - there is a difference between Irish Catholics and French Catholics in how they celebrate their faith - little nuanaces I've noticed growing up). We Irish like the debate everything!! My sister's 1st husband - of British ancerstry (amazing yeah, we actually let a Brit into an Irish family, lol) used to say he could not get over how much we all argued over everything all the time and it took him awhile to adjust. He was a little on the quiet side for us I think.

Seriously, you should go where your heart takes you. Never give up who you are tho!! I once dated a guy who belonged to the BaHai (sp?) religion and he took it very seriously. I attended some functions with him and I really liked him but it would never have worked in that instance. That religion - and his devotion to it more than anything - demanded too many changes of my lifestyle and religion than I was prepared to make. We have remained friends tho.

twinmommy
July 26th, 2005, 12:58 PM
Yep, I think CK makes a great point in that the problems arise because of the constant devotion and in some cases borderline fanaticism for that religion. It's very difficult to have a relationship with someone who is fanatic about anything-- religion included.

One person's "devotion" can sometimes be another's "rigidity" and them problems can stem from there...not because they are religious, but because they have a certain personality type.

Prin
July 26th, 2005, 01:16 PM
My opinion is it depends to what extent you and the man are religious. If you're not and he's very, that might be a problem. If you both are very religious but with different religions, that could be a problem. But otherwise it's not really an issue I think, as long as you openly discuss it, and if there is going to be a future, that you're clear about how the kids will be raised, how holidays will be celebrated and which ones, etc.

I have to admit, it's not really the same, but being an Anglo dating a "Pure Laine" French guy wasn't easy. His family has documentation of their roots in France. Nobody but people with ancestry straight to France has ever added to their gene pool... And then there's me-- with an English, Irish, German, Czech, and Quebecois background and no religion...

I'd say about 99% of his family disapproves of me. They say it's not because I'm English, but they never gave me a chance because I'm English, and I wasn't supposed to last long because of it. Only his dad and his grandmother don't mind me- his grandmother warmed up when I told her my great grandmother was a French girl from Sherbrooke...

It's a huge issue in his family, and I haven't even brought up religion to them... But between my man and I, we do fight about it sometimes, but very rarely and the arguments are just superficial. Like sometimes, he'll have a freak out because I "make him" watch only English tv...

We'll get married at city hall and then have a proper wedding with no ministers or priests wherever we want. It won't be legal (that's why we're getting married at city hall first), but I won't marry at a chuch, and I won't be married by someone whose faith I don't believe in. Maybe I'll get married by a politician (Some city councellors can marry people in Quebec).

So ya, if you don't mind the family not liking you and you have talked it all through and understand where you both stand, then I don't see a problem at all.

Beaglemom
July 26th, 2005, 01:43 PM
I believe that religion shouldn't matter to a certain extent. If your partner is extremely religious and you are not, it could pose a problem later on in the relationship, regardless if you are both from the same faith or not.

There are certain things that would have to be discussed upfront. Things to consider would be how your future children would be raised. If your boyfriend is religious, he may insist that his children be raised in his faith. (His family may push for this as well). Your boyfriend may also want you to convert. How would religious holidays be celebrated? You would have to decide how you feel about these issues. Regarding futurechildren, you may also decide to teach them about both of the religions and allow them to make up their own mind when they are old enough.

I believe that it could work, as long as all your expectations and his are clearly stated from the start. It really shouldn't matter what the families thing, as long as the two of you love and respect eachother, that is what matters.

I know interfaith couples and they all have good relationships, they respect eachothers' beliefs and eachother. With time their family has also come to accept them as a family unit and religion never comes up.

jjgeonerd
July 26th, 2005, 01:59 PM
I would check to see how LDS he is. Strict mormons can have some pretty antiquated views regarding women. A lot of the wives stay at home and raise children...lots of children sometimes. If you're OK with this then I guess it's fine. On the other hand, some mormons aren't as strict and don't subscribe to the philosophy that the man is the bread winner and the women stay at home. I would have a serious discussion about his views.

"Under the banner of Heaven" is an interesting read on the LDS religion. It talks alot about mormon extremists who do still practice polygamy...I'm sure this fanatical group doesn't apply to your BF. BUT...the book also gives the entire history of the LDS religion and is very interesting. Mormons of course hate this book...as would be expected.

BTW...I see your 20 years old? WAY too young to even think about marriage IMO. I don't think a person knows what they want in/from life until at least the late 20's...and even that is probably early! So much to see and do. ;)

Blaze01
July 26th, 2005, 03:11 PM
I would check to see how LDS he is. Strict mormons can have some pretty antiquated views regarding women. A lot of the wives stay at home and raise children...lots of children sometimes. If you're OK with this then I guess it's fine. On the other hand, some mormons aren't as strict and don't subscribe to the philosophy that the man is the bread winner and the women stay at home. I would have a serious discussion about his views.

"Under the banner of Heaven" is an interesting read on the LDS religion. It talks alot about mormon extremists who do still practice polygamy...I'm sure this fanatical group doesn't apply to your BF. BUT...the book also gives the entire history of the LDS religion and is very interesting. Mormons of course hate this book...as would be expected.

BTW...I see your 20 years old? WAY too young to even think about marriage IMO. I don't think a person knows what they want in/from life until at least the late 20's...and even that is probably early! So much to see and do. ;)


Thank you for the read!
He is so against polygamy when I mentioned thats the only thing i knew about mormons he gave me this long speech about how he or his church no longer support that practice.
He isnt really my bf now I just really like him and we have been dating and talking for a few weeks...I just wanted to know how others felt and if this was something that I should be bring up so soon. I was reading a LDS website and it discussed dating nonmembers of the church so I just wanted to see what others thought.
College is the first thing on my mind not marriage.

CyberKitten
July 26th, 2005, 03:14 PM
I agree re how Mormon he is. Has he done his 2 yrs of missionary work? Is he devoted to his Church? What DOES he think of the role of women (Mormons do have a pretty awful track record re women). But if he is just culturally Mormon and not involved in the Church, that may help.

Blaze01
July 26th, 2005, 03:21 PM
I agree re how Mormon he is. Has he done his 2 yrs of missionary work? Is he devoted to his Church? What DOES he think of the role of women (Mormons do have a pretty awful track record re women). But if he is just culturally Mormon and not involved in the Church, that may help.

He has not done his two year work because he got a scholarship to a good school (i think he said he wasnt mature enought within himself to do it then yet either)
He is devoted to his church in the sense that he goes on sundays and attends church gatherings...I didnt know he was Mormon before and he never questioned my faith or anything...I was the one who brought it up
His mother works away from home by her choice so I dont think that would be a problem. His family is really really close...
He is very respectful to me by opening doors pulling out chairs helping me out of the car etc etc...so I dont think that would be a problem either...

Jackie467
July 26th, 2005, 03:22 PM
I think it depends on a lot of things. I myself am Catholic, but I'm not really very devote. I don't go to church every sunday, I use birth control, and I eat meat on fridays. I do however say my prayers everyday, say a blessing before each meal and try to make it to church as much as possible, at least on holidays. My soon to be husband is pentacostal, but he is not very devote either. So far we have no probs at all, when I do go to church he comes with me but doesn't recive communion, and I go with him to his church every once in a while. In my mind as long as we are worshiping the same god that is all the matters.

The only porb we have run into is that when we talk about having children I want them to be batised and raised catholic, he is unsure about this. But I have made it very clear that my children will be raised catholic but can choose what they want to be once they have finished CCD classes and it comes time for them to be confirmed. What we will probably end up doing to going to both churches so the kids can experience both religons and choose for themselves once they are old enough. He seems ok with this idea. But he knows that if he has children with me they will be attending catholic mass and going to CCD wheather he likes it or not, he has decided that if they get exposed to the pentacostal religon as well as the catholic that he will be happy so we reached a compermise that allows us both to be happy.

Those are the kind of things that must be discussed before you get too serious, because they could cause problems in a relationship. Since SO and I have worked them out we know that we can make our relationship work regardless of our religons.

Blaze01
July 26th, 2005, 03:27 PM
"Those are the kind of things that must be discussed before you get too serious, because they could cause problems in a relationship. Since SO and I have worked them out we know that we can make our relationship work regardless of our religons."

That was my concern

I didnt want to fall for this guy if his church/family would not accept me.

1.I have a small tatoo on my left shoulder blade
2.Im a different religion
3.Im a smoker...a trying so hard to quit smoker but still a smoker
4.I love coffee

thats four reasons why i dont think i could be accepted by mormons

I plan on doing alot more research on Mormons because I would like to understand his background.

Tigger
July 26th, 2005, 03:45 PM
Follow your heart and your gut instinct. The rest will sort itself out. :)

jjgeonerd
July 26th, 2005, 03:49 PM
College is the first thing on my mind not marriage.
PERFECT!!!! :thumbs up :thumbs up :thumbs up

...and good luck on quitting smoking. I used to chew and that was very tough to quit. California raising the price to $10/can helped though! :o

happycats
July 26th, 2005, 04:41 PM
I don't think it's a problem until you have children (If you plan on having any) You both have to be very clear about how (religiously) you will raise children, before you consider a serious relationship with him JMO :o

Daisie
July 26th, 2005, 05:32 PM
I too tried dating a guy with a different religion than me...the differences were alot to consider. He was a strong catholic, and as much as we liked each other in the end we would have struggled to find a common ground. Esp during holidays, children being baptised, teaching children both faiths and not be partial so they can make their own decisions...do you both celbrate Christmas, birthdays, Easter, etc...then differences are not a big deal...it's when one of you don't celebrate these occassions issues will be huge.

He was a perfect gentleman, kindest man ever, I knew him for a long time, and he loved his family. He had ALOT of respect for women, and a hard worker...perfect husband material, and somedays I still wonder what IF??

I am now married to a guy with the same faith as me, we have 2 children, we are on the same page so to speak, and we never have to worry about any of it. Life is easier, except for everyday stress that ALL relationships have.

Sometimes you have to weigh the pros and cons, go with your gut, and be able to compromise a little over the minor things. If you are comfortable with his religion more than your own, you could just support him and raise future children as mormons. But how would your family feel??? It will come down to what you believe, and how strong you can be to stand up for your faith.

Right now, you are to early in to make an issue of it...just get to know him as a person.

pags
July 26th, 2005, 05:48 PM
By the way.. I've been reading through replies all day and keep feeling I should add something to my original post -- so I will. :D

When I was dating the man who became my first husband... Our families warned us - very nicely - that there could be conflict. And I honestly didn't handle the warnings well at all. In many ways I rebelled. I thought they were all showing an intolerance that I had thought was stamped out in my generation. Basically - I felt they were being old-fogeys. :p

I didn't think they understood that religion wasn't very important to me at the time. It was something I grew up with - I respected their feelings -- but I had my own views. I was totally unaware of just how important it was to me until someone was there with me everyday challenging what I grew up with... or substituting what he grew up with in place of it... I found myself defending the religion of my childhood on a regular basis. His reaction of course was to say "You said you didn't care much about it -- what's wrong with you?" And my counter-reaction was of course "Uh.. YOU said you didn't care much about it so WHY are you taking the time to pick apart my traditions??"

Like I said before -- I don't think the religious difference is what caused our problems.. We had many many problems... But it was another nail in the coffin, so to speak.

chico2
July 27th, 2005, 09:37 AM
Anyone who gets married believing he/she will change,or compromise is in trouble,right from the start.
I was brought up non-religous,brought up to be a good human being and to believe in myself,my husband was brought up catholic.Went to Catholic boarding schools as a boy,lead by evil nuns and has since not set foot in any church.
We really had no family,but I firmly believe,if you love someone,the family,if they love you,should accept your choice.
If you run in to trouble later on,it's a lesson learned..I'd say,follow your heart,if your religion and the opinion of your family,rules your desicion-making,it's probably not love to begin with.
This is coming from someone who's been married to a wonderful guy for 40 yrs and religion never played a part in our lives :love:

Blaze01
July 27th, 2005, 09:45 AM
You guys have been a great help! I just really like this guy and I dont want to mess things up. We talk about him being Mormon all the time because I am really interested in it. I dont think this is going to cause a problem...it might but if it does then its just not meant to be.
When I met his family for the first time i was so quite and shy because they are complete opposite of my family...they were wonderful people but I know how close he is with them and I didnt want to say anything to make his parents not like me.
I guess I am just going to see what happens...I think if we find mutual respect for each others beliefs then there shouldnt be that big of a problem.

Prin
July 27th, 2005, 12:38 PM
LOL I remember trying to get his parents to like me... Doesn't matter what you do, the parents judge you independently of who you are. That's my rule of in-laws. (I know some of you here are great in-laws- this rule only applies to the bad ones. It's probably this rule that makes them bad.. :D ) Just be you, and one day you'll find out how they really feel. ;)

Rick C
July 27th, 2005, 01:15 PM
Anyone who gets married believing he/she will change,or compromise is in trouble,right from the start.

I agree. Start from that point when making your decision.

Neither party should go into it expecting a big change in values by the other party.

You are who you are. And vice versa. And through thick and thin and the passage of time, that inner truth will be there.

Rick C
www.goldentales.ca

Prin
July 27th, 2005, 01:16 PM
Does that mean we can't train them? :evil:

Rick C
July 27th, 2005, 01:38 PM
Does that mean we can't train them? :evil:

Apparently not. Look at me. I still fart and belch and we just celebrated 20 years!!! :sorry: :thumbs up :crazy:

Rick C
www.goldentales.ca

Prin
July 27th, 2005, 01:40 PM
Well, then, dang. :D

Blaze01
July 27th, 2005, 02:38 PM
Geez...your ruined my whole idea of marriage... :mad: ;)

Jackie467
July 27th, 2005, 02:47 PM
lol don't totally rule out training them. I just got mine trained to put his clothes in the hamper. He's been doing it for a week straight. I'm so proud of him!

Prin
July 27th, 2005, 03:13 PM
Mine, after 4 years of birthdays and Christmases, finally got me a present this year. :D And a really good one too. I knew he had potential.

chico2
July 27th, 2005, 04:29 PM
Well,about training hubbie...I did a good job,because he's just as nutter as I am about animals,maybe not quiet as bad....but he certainly adores "his"cats!
Also no more problems with the toilet-seat :highfive:

Jackie467
July 27th, 2005, 04:44 PM
I know what you mean about the animals. My SO didn't like dogs in the house and wasn't fond of cats, I made it clear if the dog or cat go I go so he said he'd put up with them. Well low and behold now when I put Candi out to go potty and don't go out with her he'll yell at me and say "don't leave her out by herself she doesn't like it." and run outside to keep her company. He also lets her sleep in bed with us. I'll put her to bed in her bed and about 2 min. after he thinks I'm asleep he'll get her and put her in bed next to him :rolleyes: . he won't let us go out in the evenings and put her in the crate, if my mom won't watch her we can't go out even for an hour. and god forbid if I'm 15 mins. late from work, he thinks she'll starve.

raingirl
July 27th, 2005, 06:39 PM
Gah...so many posts.

I wanted to say stuff...but not sure now.

I guess religion shouldn't matter as long as the person is open minded. As long as they can understand that their beleifs might only be theirs, and not their spouses etc, then it's ok.

Now...Mormons, that's a whole other story. And let me say first I apologize if I offend anyone here who is mormon, as that is not my intention, I just want to share what I learned about the Mormon religion (as many people, including many people I have met who are mormon, don't know how the religion got started). It is also the reason that I have zero faith in any religion.

In school I studied Anthropology, and my focus was the pre-history and history of North America. As some of you may know, the North eastern US and south eastern Canada during colonization, was covered in "indian mounds". These have been extensively studied and determined to be burial mounds (can't remember what group of people though). Well, there was this guy, Joseph Smith, who lived in Rochester, NY I think, about the early 1800's. He claimed god came to him in a dream (as an angel I think) and told him to dig up an indian mound. He claimed he found a golden book, written in aramaic, only he couold read, and he translated it and it became the book of mormon. No one ever saw this book. The book of Mormon also explains how a group of people exiled from Israel came to North America and built a great civilization, and these burial mounds were the only remnants of that civilization, and these "savages" (Indians) were responsible for the downfall.

Keep in mind that is the abridged view, and from an anthropological view point, so there are probably elements missing. However, when I think of any organized religion I think of this story. It goes to show how someone as little and human can take an idea, and now how millions of people follow it. For all we know he could have been crazy, or mentally ill, or just doing it for fun. Who knows, and I guess that's the point. No one really knows why. I guess there are people out there who beleive that god actually did come to him and that is fine...but as an anthropologist student, we know the burial mounds are not from a great fallen civilization out of israel...

I told this to my friend who was mormon and he was shocked. He had no idea this was where the religion began and it really changed his view on life. He did some reading up on the burial mounds and other things that are fictional within the religion, and decided to go to theology school to study relligion and it's affect on society. Who knows how Christianity really got started anyway?? Maybe some guy wrote the bible, and started selling it on the street!?!

All I have to say is that religion is fine, but you have to be flexible and understanding. If you can be that in a relationship, then power to you, have fun! If someones views are not your own, but they won't listen to you, then I say forget it.