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Spiteful, spiteful mother-in-laws...

Prin
June 25th, 2005, 11:21 PM
My man's mom was supposed to come pick up the satellite dish that we took off the roof of our new house to use it on her cottage. She never showed and never called, nothing.

We had our housewarming brunch today, and invited basically everybody we know. When my man invited her, she said flat out, "No I'm not coming." No reasons, nothing.

So my man's aunts and uncles came, ate and then went to leave. We said, "Oh you have other plans today?" and they replied, "We're going to your mom's for a party." Not only had she thrown a party AFTER we had decided our day, she hijacked my man's grandmother. Unbelievable!!!

My man is furious. I've never thought I would see the day that he would give up on his mom. She's been calling me his "temporary girlfriend" since about 6 months after we had moved in together...

What the hey is it with mother-in-laws????

Princesss04
June 25th, 2005, 11:26 PM
I am so sorry Prin that this happened to you. When I was younger I would hope that I had a great mother in law. And I have been very blessed that I have! I could not ask for a better one. Now if I could get the sister in law thing going. LOL ;) I hope things get better for you. Sometime no matter what you do or how nice you are some people will not like you. I know it makes it hard when it is family but I know how that feels. :grouphug:

Prin
June 25th, 2005, 11:54 PM
It just sucks because my mom was in the same situation before she had us, and I feel the same way she did. Are you supposed to let a person so spiteful and hateful see your kids? I don't have any but if ever I do, she will never be alone in a room with them, even for 5 minutes.

You are lucky to have a good m-i-l. Even the sister-in-law is a pain in the rear. She walked in the house here for the first time a couple of weeks ago and DEMANDED that the half wall between the kitchen and living room be taken out. She didn't suggest, she demanded. And she wouldn't let up about my stove. I have a small stove that I inherited indirectly from my grandmother, and I love it. It's only got one big burner, and it's in really great shape. She couldn't understand why I wouldn't give it up for her uncle's 1960's olive green stove (full size). And we just bought a small fridge last year and she went on and on about how stupid we were to buy such a small fridge. We both LOVE our fridge. It's just us. We don't need huge appliances, or, frankly, people judging us for keeping the small ones... I mean they're just fricken appliances!!!

LOL you should see people's faces when we tell them that if we redo the kitchen, we'll do it such that our small appliances fit in. They're all, "but then the next people's stuff won't fit". It's amazing how when you buy your first house, people expect you to arrange everything for the next people. What about us? Why can we set up our home the way we want it set up? For US? :confused: We're the ones LIVING here for the next 5 years minimum...

chico2
June 26th, 2005, 08:51 AM
Prin,I don't think there is anything wrong with M-I-l's at least not all of them.
I consider myself a good MIL,I was soo darn happy the girls took my sons out of our house and made them"normal"and happy,I would do anything for them :D

JDG
June 26th, 2005, 08:58 AM
My mother in Law IS the mother in 'Everybody Loves Raymond' - The cooking and cleaning comments to boot. The only difference is my mother in laws 'means well' she isn't malicious or spiteful. . . she is just nosy, a tad overbearing, a smidgen old fashioned with bad timing. . . .

. . .She would do anything for me, and for that I am very happy.

I'm just glad we live close enough that she can visit if she wants, but far enough away she isn't on my door step every night with a casserole dish!

Karin
June 26th, 2005, 04:29 PM
My daughter in law is the most amazing person! I love her! I can rest easy knowing she is caring for my son & the family in Texas....so far away from me.

My EX MIL on the other hand was pure evil....EVIL! She made it her mission in life to break apart my family years ago. I have been rid of her (& and her son) for 25 years now. Maybe she was such a B*tch because her birth name was William Joseph....she goes by "Billie"....lmao. (She was the youngest of 9 girls, dad was set on a boy).

Luba
June 26th, 2005, 05:10 PM
Kill them with kindness :D

pags
June 26th, 2005, 05:12 PM
Hey Prin! I'm sorry about your MIL. :( If you get a chance.. Look up "Narcissistic Personality Disorder" online. It just might give you a lot of insight on dealing with somebody like your man's mom.

I've got no problems with my MIL --- but unfortunately it's my own mother who is the major troublemaker. :)

Hugs!! - pags

Prin
June 26th, 2005, 10:28 PM
I'm not "high road" enough to kill her with niceness. I just ignore her. When she has family dinners, I'm not invited (the sister's man is invited, but not me). And at this point, not being invited to a few things means I am not going to any. And I doubt she will come to mine.

My dad figured out the day he met my man that he can choose to say things that will be supportive and keep me visiting and calling, or he can criticise and judge and know that eventually, I'll cut him out when I have had enough. Too bad the m-i-l is not so swift. She'll just end up missing out on so many things in her sons life. So many things that she never ever thought would happen-- like him graduating from college. And him getting a house. Huge things that she never wished for him because she didn't think he was good enough, and now she resents me for making him believe he is? I can't imagine being a person like that. Who doesn't want the best for their kids? Or worse, who gets JEALOUS of the things their kids accomplish?

Chico, why couldn't you be my man's mom???!? :D

Safyre
June 26th, 2005, 10:33 PM
Prin - I don't have a mother in law.
I do have a best friend whose mother I cannot stand. her husband would probably call her the MIL in from h*ll, but he's too nice to say it.
In this case, she is just very controlling and knows everything. She still talks doen to all her kids, telling them the mistakes that they made years ago. Not worried about when they go to the hospital because 'they were just being stupid anyways". It makes my blood boil.
I hope your MIL does not treat her son badly. That is where the line is crossed, with me at least. Ppl can be mean to me, but gawd forbid they hurt my loved ones :evil:

Prin
June 26th, 2005, 10:40 PM
Not directly to him terribly, yet. This past week was the first time she took out her spite on him. She calls him unreliable and then she doesn't show up or call... Suuuurrrre. I wonder where he gets it. :D

Safyre
June 26th, 2005, 10:41 PM
:rolleyes: gotta love em.
just keep LAUGHING ... don't let her get to you right now.
Next time she does something stupid, just go off on her. Seriously, if she already hates ya, why not?! :p

kandy
June 27th, 2005, 05:52 PM
My mil took years to accept me. She never said anything to me, or banned me from holiday gatherings or anything, it was just that I knew she didn't like me. I find that I am going through the 'no girl is good enough for my son' syndrome. I don't particularly like the girl my son has chosen. I've found her to be vindictive (she recently called a man whose wife my son had so stupidly had an affair with a few years ago and told him about the affair because she was mad at my son), controlling (she listens to all his voice mail messages and reads his email and deletes the messages she doesn't like), and jealous (he isn't allowed to talk to any women unless they are related to him or over 50). And when she wants to yell at him for something, she has her mom come over and do it for her. However, even after all this crap she has pulled, he still thinks she is the one so.....I am nice to her at all times. This is in fact the first time that I've actually said anything bad about her for quite a while - and I never say anything bad about her to him. I realize that I can't control who he loves and I will not risk losing him just because I don't like her. After all, he's the one who has to live with her, not me. I can say that they will have really good looking kids - maybe not the smartest in the world, but definitely good looking! :)

Jackie467
June 27th, 2005, 06:01 PM
I have a prob with my MIL because she doesn't speak english and I don't speak much spanish, so we've never had a real conversation so it makes it hard for her to like me. Basically his mom, dad, and 3 sisters want nothing to do with me because I'm not mexican and don't speak spanish. I'm not even allowed to hold my new neice. I try to forget about it, I still hope that one day they'll like me but because I'm white it's doubtfull. His sisters are the worst though, at least his mother and father try to be nice to my face (though behind my back is another story) but his sisters will act like i'm not there and talk about me while i'm sitting next to them.

Prin
June 28th, 2005, 12:43 AM
Really sucks, eh? Why do people waste so much time being mean and trying to bring other people down? Such a waste of time.

Kandy, you are great to your son for not saying anything. He will just resent you if you speak up, and it's wonderful for him that you understand that. :)

Stacey1
June 28th, 2005, 10:53 AM
Can someone explaine to me why son's or daughter's can always go to their parents when they are in trouble, or need something be it money or just someone to talk to.
Well I have a brother that is in a really rocky relationship, he has a 4 month old baby, and let me tell you him and his girlfriend can fight.
When they are fighting they either call me or my mother to vent and ask for advice, this is almost on a daily basis.
If my brother dosen't get his way then it's because "everyone is against him"
he thinks my parents give EVERYONE what they want but him. :eek:
My mom is his greatest defender and I find out people are talking S**t about her to my brother and he doesn't say ANYTHING to defend her. :(
Why do some people expect their parents to defend them, :confused: but they won't open their own mouth to defend their parents

Prin
June 28th, 2005, 11:19 AM
I think it's like with doggies. If you make them work for affection and treats, they respect you. If you give them freebies all the time, undeserved attention, then they will walk all over you and manipulate you...

I defend my dad... :)

Beaglemom
June 28th, 2005, 11:56 AM
I think that sometimes in-laws don't feel that their children's choice in partner is the right choice. Unfortunately it is not theirs to make and they must live with it and accept it. Unless of course there is abuse happening, in-laws should respect their children's choice. I believe that when parents don't accept their child's choice they are in fact pushing their children further away. I fortunately don't have issues with my MIL, we getting along. My parents also love my husband and have no issues.

Stacey, I defend my parents. I have a great relationship with them, always have and would defend and protect them the best I could. I would never do anything to hurt them. Just as I know they would do the same for me and my husband.

Stacey1
June 28th, 2005, 12:50 PM
I am so glad to hear their are some people who have the guts to stand up for what's right.

I agree, if your parents don't agree with who you are with they will just have to get over it, but I mean when you don't dispute who their with, you actually want them to work out they do have a baby, but this guy is so selfish he'll get mad because you chose to keep something for yourself instead of giving it to them, then you could also not get to see the granddaughter if you make them mad enough how stupid is that. :mad:

glasslass
June 28th, 2005, 01:16 PM
I've never felt close to my MIL. I like her, treat her well for my hubby's sake, and I know she brags about me to everyone. However, my hubby's mom has just never been a warm person. I never see any show of affection, any indication of needs. Her sister, on the other hand, was just the opposite. She was open and warm, cried easily, and wore her heart of her sleeve. I loved her. Odd how two sisters could be so different. My in-laws never came over unless invited, never called to just talk, never really made me feel like I was "family". I tried not to let it bother me, but I figure that's the way it is and concentrate on my own mom. Hubby loves my mom and is perfectly ok with her living with us. He's wonderful with her so, of course, I would never want to have problems with his mom. She and I never had a disagreement, but then we've never had an intimate conversation either - in 38 years! Really, I could have had a much worse MIL. Actually, I kind of feel like I've never really had one. :sad:

sammiec
June 28th, 2005, 01:33 PM
I'm sorry but I got you ALL beat! I have Satan for a MIL, and with that I am being generous!

I won't go into too many details, frankly because it makes me SOOOO flippin' mad to even hear her name...

For starters when DH (darling husband) and I got together 5 years ago, she told her parents - my Dh's grandparents - that I was using him for his money. We were in college, what college student has boat loads of money?!? She hated me from day one because the first time I went to her house they were moving to a new house and I didn't help move boxes - at DH's request I spent time chatting with his grandfather (who had a broken foot) and kept his 5 year old niece occupied. His mother said that I was just being LAZY! I had never met her before and why the h*ll should I move your crap!?!?

So it escalated from there to the point where we drove for 3 hours to get to her house one Friday night after school to spend the weekend with them. the first comment out of her mouth "Oh, you brought her too?" Well, I went to see DH's sister and niece in the other room while DH and MIL had a screaming match. And after being in the house for about 5 minutes we drove 3 hours back to our place.
THEN, LOL, it gets better. She has done may nasty and unspeakable things to DH, lied to him about many many things, forgery and stealing money on top of all of it...she was told about our wedding months in advance, but said that she was going on vacation and wouldn't be able to make it, could we change the date? WTF??! Nope, she just didn't recieve an invitation.. she wasn't invited to her only son's wedding. Not my doing. I suggested that we send one... with the wrong date on it... :p AND she is not going to be apart of our child's life. We've already come to that decision. Poor DH. He's cut her completely out of his life...but it's her own fault.

JDG
June 28th, 2005, 01:41 PM
AND she is not going to be apart of our child's life. We've already come to that decision. Poor DH. He's cut her completely out of his life...but it's her own fault.

Be the better person.

Leaving things like this is not healthy! One day you will look back and both you and husband will regret no having patched things up.

sammiec
June 28th, 2005, 01:45 PM
Be the better person.

Leaving things like this is not healthy! One day you will look back and both you and husband will regret no having patched things up.

I tried for 4 years. Her entire family (her parents and brothers) have cut her out of their lives as well. Like I said, there's MUCh more to the story then I am willing to share on a public forum.. those are the not-so-bad things. Trust me, it's MUCH better this way.

JDG
June 28th, 2005, 02:08 PM
I tried for 4 years. Her entire family (her parents and brothers) have cut her out of their lives as well. Like I said, there's MUCh more to the story then I am willing to share on a public forum.. those are the not-so-bad things. Trust me, it's MUCH better this way.


I had a friend in high school who I had a falling out with. . . later that month she committed suicide. I kick myself every year on the anniversary that things we didn't patch things up. Hindsight!

Regardless of what she does and how she acts she is your husbands MOTHER, and she is flesh and blood of your kids.

It takes a big person to build a bridge, it takes a coward to set it alight!

We all complain about our families, pets and in-laws, its the nature of people to complain. . . but even still we love those we complain about.

I'm sure it eats away at your husband not being able to see or speak to his mother.

I hope you can look past whatever she has done, and start anew. . . .if not for yourselves, at least for your children!

angie79
June 28th, 2005, 02:37 PM
My mother-in-law has done alot to upset me or piss me right off, send me in to a drunken tangin on my BF, but what she does that gets me going 95% of the time when I look back a few hours after I do realize she did over step the boundry but her heart was always in the right place.... and we keep saying next time we will tell her.

and after moving in together she wasn't as bad as I imagined, go see the movie monster in law.

The one thing that still gets me is they surprized me (for my birthday) by doing my gardens while I was at work and I'd planned on changing them (making them smaller), but we said we'd wait til the spring. They put shrubs and the worst mulch imaginable in there, i keep saying its my house when you see that it looks like a tree was slaghtered in the front yard. that was stepping the line buy a new house and she decided what I have to look out the window at. :evil: still gets me but the good intentions were there.

I simply said to her, thank you for the hard work. and told my BF next time your mom wants to surprize me by doing renovations let me know.

twinmommy
June 28th, 2005, 02:47 PM
although I would normally agree with JDG about her being "family", I have learned that sometimes people play on this and push the limits and boudaries of respect.

That being said, I also think, having a winner of an MIL myself, that to alienate her from your lives is maybe advantageous in the "short run" but in the bigger picture you will teach more to your children by having this person around.

The bigger the idiot--the more my kids will learn--that's my motto. ;)

What better way to teach them than how WE behave.

(course, I could tell you a few stories that don't exactly make ME a pinnacle of an example..heh heh...but hey!! I still have some time!! My kids can barely SAY "Grandma"....no worries about other expletives!! heh heh...

Life is too short to waste negative energy tending to things like that. :)

Prin
June 28th, 2005, 09:49 PM
I tend to disagree with the mending fences bit. Everybody told me when my grandfather was dying that his disease, if anything, made him much nicer, so I should try to patch things up. I went to the hospital, and it turns out, the only nice part of it was the regret of how he treated the others. It wasn't the disease, HE was trying to patch things up before he died. Nothing was different with me. He hated my mother, and thus hated me because I had her eyes (even though everybody tells my I have my grandmother's eyes-- his WIFE), and he never ever gave me a chance.

When we'd have family parties at the cottage, he'd say, "Who wants to go to the store for candy?" and all the cousins piled in the car and funny enough, there was NEVER room for me (and I was TINY). He talked about me behind my back when the walls were thin enough to hear. He did everything he could to make me feel bad about myself, and make me feel unwanted, including call me Erica (not my name.... :confused: ). All because he couldn't stand my mom. I never ever ever want any kid I ever have to go through that. To have a person absolutely hate you from day 1.

I refuse to take the "high road" in this case, because people this mean and this spiteful are capable of anything. I won't go out of my way to be mean to them, but as long as there is any hint of anything negative toward me, no child of mine will be left alone with the person. Ever.

If you don't respect me, how can I trust you to respect my children?