May 21st, 2005, 10:23 PM
So I was at home sick with the flu on Thursday and my fiancee comes home and he's pretty upset. I start to get worried and wonder what happened but he doesn't want to talk about it just yet. I leave him be. Finally I just come out and say just tell me whats wrong.
He tells me that a year ago he cheated on me with a girl he worked with, it happened 2 times with her. He says that the guilt has been eating him alive and he had to tell me. Needless to say I was really upset and started rambling off questions asking all of the hows and whys and how could yous. I left the house and drove around for a while, he calls me on my cell and says he's leaving, going to his cousins house to give me time to collect my thoughts.
I said maybe... just maybe... in the future I could forgive these indescressions if he promised they would never happen again. He said he couldnt make that promise to me. I said why couldnt you make that promise to me? He didnt give me an answer.
How can he possibly throw 3 + years of his life away like that? Am I being stupid to want him to come home? We have so much together (our pets, quad, vehicles.. etc.) that I have no idea what to do. It would make my life easier (worse in a sense that I would be upset at him for cheating) if he would be here and help me to pay the bills.
My animals miss him so much, when he comes by to pick things up they get so excited and then when he leaves they are just depressed, we all are I guess. It feels like my life is over, I havent eaten a thing since Wednesday and all I want to do is sleep.
Thank you all for listening, it helps to get it out (as I write through the tears)
May 21st, 2005, 11:19 PM
Wow. That's nuts. I can't imagine staying with a person who practically promises to cheat again.
My experience in relationships is that they get better every time. You know more of what you need and want out of a relationship now, so if you do finish this one, the next one will be better suited to you.
As for the pets, they may love him, but they'll love the next one more. The one with better intentions and a better heart.
The bills-- you'll manage if you have to. You just have to have more faith in your independence. :)
Isn't 3 years better than 7? Or 10? And I hate that he confessed to unload his guilt. That's such a selfish thing to do. He only did it to make himself feel better. Arg.
I hope you figure this out and you end up happier and in a better place. :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:
May 21st, 2005, 11:29 PM
Awww, so sorry to hear about that!
Because I'm a mean, nasty, cold and unforgiving itch with a b :D , I could not and cannot condone someone who promised to love me cheating (or, in your case, who promises to marry me), and then basically says he'd cheat again.
Change the locks.
Throw his stuff into the front yard.
Tell him to (something that involves sex and travelling.... :D)
What an arse, you deserve better.
Your pets will adapt.
May 21st, 2005, 11:36 PM
[QUOTE=Jillybean] . It feels like my life is over,
Yes, I think we all know that feeling but that is what it is just a horrible feeling. NOT a fact, you have to give yourself time to feel bad, unfortunately its part of life and emotional wounds take time to heel just as physical wounds do. Prin is exactly right when she says his confession was selfish! Im very sorry for your pain but judging by his actions you are, although I know it doesn't feel lilke that now, much better off.
May 22nd, 2005, 12:03 AM
something that involves sex and travelling.... )
Jillybean, I'm so sorry. It's too bad that he can no longer conduct a mature relationship. You deserve better. Its hard to end things, but you'll be better off.
We're here for you, if you want to talk/vent..... :grouphug:
May 22nd, 2005, 12:23 AM
I was married to my ex- husband for 11 years. Three years into our marriage, he had an affair. It lasted for quite a while, they had sex in my house, and he got her pregnant. Since we lived on Guam and I had a toddler and was pregnant, leaving was not an option. I spent 8 years miserable and feeling trapped with a man who loved no one more then himself.
I have been with my current husband for going on 9 years and we have been married for 7 months now. He has not cheated on me once.
My point - you deserve much better. And someone better is out there. Don't waste years. The pain will go away much faster then you think it will, I promise.
May 22nd, 2005, 12:28 AM
they had sex in my house I would die. That is the most horrible inconsiderate thing EVER. Especially since you were pregnant. I hope there really is karma and what goes around comes around. I would DIE. I would have endless mental images, I'd have to move.
I was inspired by a woman who was in Cuba with her newborn and her baby and left her man and came to Canada to start over. She is the ultimate woman to me.
Of course it helps if you have a good family to help and an education to help get a good job...
May 22nd, 2005, 12:37 AM
I would seriously rip him a new one! I couldn't ever be with someone who cheated, ever. I feel that if he wanted to go elsewhere and be with someone else, do it, just don't ever look my way again... simple.
I think it's better this way, even if you think you forgive him, it's still going to be in your mind... or at least it would be in mine.
You DO deserve better, much better. Hang in there. :grouphug:
May 22nd, 2005, 03:06 AM
I'm sorry this happened.
I'm not certain I believe that "the guilt" was the reason for his confession. It could be that confessing now is a convenient and quick way to end things. I'm sure I don't have to make any suggestions as to why he'd need an easy out at the moment.
You should ask yourself why you would want to keep him.
I understand that help with the bills is nice to have, but a roommate could serve the same function.
Pets want HAPPY parents. You would not be doing them a favor by keeping him there because they are attached to him. And I truly believe that pets can pick up on tension, stress and unhappiness very easily. After they pick up on it, they share it with you.
I'm sorry that you feel as though your life is over. The fact is, this is just a chapter of your life ending, not the whole book.
It's hard to give up the companionship of someone you've been with for three years, but know that you've been loving an illusion, obviously not the person you thought he was. You're not losing a wonderful man- you are gaining your freedom from someone who was just playing the part- and disrespecting you in the meantime.
This does NOT make you stupid.
I repeat- THIS DOES NOT MAKE YOU STUPID.
We've all fallen for someone who turned out to be an arse in one way or another.
Haven't we, ladies?
You are probably feeling this thousandfold right now because you had plans to be married. It's like someone just shook your Etch-A-Sketch, and now it's blank. You thought you had a good future drawn in there, and knew who would be in it. That is a very insecure feeling, and you're compelled to draw it back in quickly the way it was (in the name of "forgiveness").
Please, give yourself some time, remind yourself DAILY of your value and what you DESERVE in a relationship, and don't settle for anything less.
This is an opportunity to make a better sketch of your future.
May 22nd, 2005, 07:43 AM
My heart goes out to you. I have zero tolerance for cheaters ! :mad:
You deserve so much better, and I strongly believe in what goes around, comes around. It's happened in my world. Hold on to your strength and focus on your job, animals, family, friends and you will make it.
Know that you DON'T need him for anything other than changing a lightbulb and that's what ladders are for.
You will be ok. If you need to talk it out more, I can give you my e-mail addy.
But don't despair, you will come out of this a true WINNER and know that he is SO not worth your time and energy. Don't EVER EVER think that this is your fault, never blame yourself, he's got the problem and the one he's cheating on you with, he will cheat on her too, it's a insecurity thing!
May he get what he deserves! :evil:
May 22nd, 2005, 12:00 PM
I didnt see it coming, you know, I was completely blindsided by the whole thing. I keep asking him if there is someone else right now, he keeps telling me no, but I guess thats what he's supposed to say. I've never lived on my own, I've never been alone in any way, shape, or form. It feels aweful. I'm such a wreck, I can tell that if I did drink it would be a lot.
I dont really have any friends, we always spent our time together doing something whether it be travelling, driving, or just being together. I dont know how to do things by myself and I have no idea how to meet people. I dont want another relationship, but friendship would be nice, someone to do things with. I have a friend at work that I'm sure I could do things with but she has a man and cant just drop everything for me. My mom has been amazing though, I can call her and talk to her because she's been through it before with my dad (they are still together).
So now I have to move from this house I'm living in because I cant afford the rent. I will have an extremely difficult time finding a place to rent that will allow my great dane. My parents have offered to help financially if I need it so that helps a lot. Jay says he'll give me money every month to help pay the bills because I cant afford them on my own. I am trying to sell the brand new quad and an '01 dodge truck so I can get rid of those payments (if any one near Edmonton is interested let me know).
I'm trying to pick up the pieces, but I know it will take a very long time to feel okay again. I'm trying to tell myself that its time to work on me. Lose some weight, get into shape, save up money so I can buy my own house, make some friends (although I dont know how) and maybe then I can find the right person for me.
Thanks again for letting me get this out, its good to hear other peoples opinions because my brain doesnt seem to be working that well right now.
May 22nd, 2005, 03:42 PM
Everything will work out for you. Ive lived by myself for a while and it was wonderful! I highly recommend it if you are able to. It enabled me to realize that I dont NEED anybody. Now that I know and realized that I wont ever let anyone take advantage of my niceness again!!
Once you get yourself back together find yourself a hobbie/sport. Its a great place to meet people and you will already have something in common with all of them. I race dragon boats, and it is soooo nice after a ****ty day to just get on the water with a bunch of people and paddle while the sun sets, theres nothing better! (All teams are always looking for people and if this is something your intersted in let me know and I will send you in the right direction)
Take Care, we are all here for you!
May 22nd, 2005, 04:32 PM
My heart goes out to you Jillybean. I watched my mom suffer through her breakup with my dad when I was younger and it just tore her apart. You will manage, I promise! I say this because she had 4 young children at the time (and a houseful of pets!) and they owned a house, car, furniture, etc. (everything basically) together. She wasn't even working at the time but she managed to find a job to pay the bills and we got by just fine. Please please PLEASE respect yourself enough not to stay with this guy...once a cheater, always a cheater, and he doesn't deny it. I know how tough it must be because I was seeing someone before and I found out he was sleeping with another girl..he said he thought we had an open relationship; open relationship my a**! It hurt me sooooo much, and I had only been seeing him a few months. I felt so betrayed. But, what doesn't kill us makes us stronger.
As for making friends, I'm kinda on the shy side too, so I usually find that I make most of my friends through other friends. Even if you just have one or two friends to hang out with, ask them to invite some other people along when you go out sometimes. Or if you are interested in something that you can join, that can help. Here where I live (London, ON), I found an animal rights group that I joined last year and I made so many friends so fast! And they are all vegetarian like me, love animals, etc...we have so much in common.
Oh, one more thing...wear more red, it's very empowering! (A psychic once told me this when I was feeling depressed, and it really is true!) Red shirts, red nail polish....whatever. Keep your head up, you'll be ok!
May 22nd, 2005, 07:01 PM
[QUOTE=Cactus FlowerWe've all fallen for someone who turned out to be an arse in one way or another.
Haven't we, ladies?.[/QUOTE]
OOh, I have a substanstial list of arses!!!!
May 22nd, 2005, 07:14 PM
It's good to have your parents on your side, they are truly the best and understand when no one else seem to. Do you go to church? Maybe ask your pastor if he knows of functions that you can attend. Don't worry about pooch, there are places were you can move to that will take him. If anyone asks just tell them he's your b/f ( just kiddin he's probably tall enough) trying to make you smile. Lean on your family and take it ONE DAY AT A TIME.
We here at Pets all have faith in you and know you " WILL SURVIVE !"
Hey there's a song like that right? It's hard but with every morning, the pain will ease a little more, and soon, he will be referred to as "What's his face !" :p
Keep us posted!
May 22nd, 2005, 10:50 PM
Know that you DON'T need him for anything other than changing a lightbulb and that's what ladders are for. You forgot killing spiders. :)
May 22nd, 2005, 11:05 PM
You forgot killing spiders. :)
That's what shoes are for!
May 23rd, 2005, 01:14 AM
LOL Not MY shoes... :eek:
May 23rd, 2005, 09:45 AM
Poor Jellybean! I am kinda in your situation to except my ex couldnt keep anyway from drugs. He was a former addict when i met him but had been clean for awhile. He was my first and my first love. Last feb. we broke up because he had been doing drugs so I left him. We got back together a month later with him going to NA and a two week rehab center. We were back together for anther year and half and once again he is tooting coke again. Greg was everything to me but I had to come to terms with the fact that I was second to his drugs something I cant live with. You dont deserve to be second to his other women and if he cheated on you and cant promise he wont do it again than your better off without him. It is strange waking up without Greg beside me or coming home to a empty house (except for Blaze) but I know that i will move on and get over it and so will you. Dont worry about him loving you just love and trust yourself because in the end thats all you will ever really have. Sometimes I feel like i also wasted three years of my life but I know it was just a learning experience. Good luck with everything.
May 23rd, 2005, 10:46 AM
Oh Jellybean I am so very sorry to hear this. I have never been in your postion and hope I never have to be. You are strong enough to get through this though. The big thing I caught in this story is how he would not promise he would not do it again. I know all people make mistakes but not telling you he would not do it again and than get into counseling or something to help is a bad sign. Almost makes me think he wanted you to get upset and leave. JMO! I feel so bad for you. I can not imagine leaving Justin or this happening to us. That is why it is so important for people to guard their eyes from the opposite sex and do not allow those kind of doors to open in our live. If you have a problem confid in your wife, husband, etc. Do not find someone at work or a "friend" to open up to than things go from there because it is built on emotions. You will be in my thoughts and prayers. I think you already know what you should do. If he will not get help and work on this problem than you leave. You deserve so MUCH better! And you and your fur babies will be so much happier! I hate cheaters whether physical or emotional. :D
May 23rd, 2005, 12:13 PM
Hang in there! It will get better. At least you found out about his philandering ways BEFORE the wedding! Some guys just can't seem to keep it in their pants! A friend of mine was married for a long time to a guy that chased everything that he thought he could bed. He made no attempt to hide it - I saw him out with different women frequently. He tried to hit on me at one time, even came up behind me and picked me up! I just about threw up - and I told him to keep his slimy hands to himself, that I wasn't one of his groupies! He even borrowed my car from my husband during a softball trip to go parking in! I was so mad - could smell his gross cologne in there for weeks! We also sold the car not to long after that, I couldn't stand driving it anymore! My friend knew what he was doing, but he had her convinced that she would never find anyone else and that she couldn't make it on her own. She had never been by herself before and she believed him. It took her a long time to build up enough self-confidence to leave him. She is so much better off - without the snake! My mom taught me from the time I was young that before you go looking for a man, you need to make sure that you can depend on yourself because in the end, that's all you'll ever be able to depend on. A man should not make your life complete, they should compliment it! She was widowed at 21 and then had a husband that beat her, and then had one that beat me!
May 23rd, 2005, 06:19 PM
Obviously this is a hard time, but you must try to remember that the "right" and "best" person for you isn't someone who would cheat and lie to you. There are a world of people out there....someone else will find you, or you them.
Many of us have been right where you are. The most honest advice we can give is that there will be someone else WAY BETTER out there for you. While it is SO hard to see right now, it is true...and will be something that one day you will be glad you knew.
As for meeting people, have you ever considered joining a class of some sort...at a school or gym or even a hobby class? There are tons of people just waiting to chat with new people there.
May 29th, 2005, 11:29 AM
So I guess I'll update you all on whats been happening. My ex has a new "friend" her name is Tanya, she's probably not even 20 (he's 29) and he "hangs" out with her all the time now. I'm so upset at all this, I ask him if this is why he left but he denies that anything is going on with her. I dont know how to get past this because him being with her is all I can think about.
I had to sell Lincoln :sad: because I'm moving back in with my parents to be able to pay off all of our bills. He's agreed to give me money each month but honestly I'm not sure how long that will last. He's taking the quad and giving me money for it (so he says). Its been a very long hard week and a half on me and it doesnt seem to be getting any better.
I've been very lucky though because friends that I havent talked to in a long time have come to my aid. They've all been very supportive and understanding, I havent been alone one night since it happened. I'm realizing very quickly how much I dont want to be with him because of the way he's been treating me through all of this. I believe him telling me he cheated was his way out of the relationship and he wouldnt have told me had he wanted to stay with me.
I still miss him horribly, I miss all the things we did together and our conversations. I miss being happy and thinking positively about "our" future together. It will be a long time before I'm ok again.
Thank you all for your support through this, I really need all I can get. :grouphug:
May 29th, 2005, 11:51 AM
Things like this are eye-openers. You see him for what he REALLY is ,but you also get to see your friends for what THEY really are.
Sorry you have to learn a life lesson like this, and sorry that you had to sell your dog. You already sound more together than you did in your first postings about this....I think it's understandable that to you things are not getting better--the sign of a true survivor!! :thumbs up One morning you will wake up and just KNOW tht today is going to be the start of "uphill" for want of a better word.
Thanks for updating us, and whatever you do--don't give "Tanya" a second thought. She is by no means accomplishing anything by obtaining your ex's attention, and will one day be REPLACED!! with another "Tanya"..."just to hang"...trust me on this one, been there, done that. ;)
And don't antagonize about the future too much, take it one day at a time....I know you'll miss him, but he's not who he claimed to be, and think of how BRIGHT your futur will be on a more solid ground. You can do without the lies and deceptions, that's a much better futur from what I can see. :thumbs up
Please take care of you.... :grouphug: (((hug)))))
May 29th, 2005, 04:30 PM
Twinmommy is right on target with this.
You are a survivor. And you will feel better and one morning you will notice a sunrise again and feel good about yourself too. Losing someone like you have is almost like losing someone to death..you still have to allow time to mourn. But, life does still go on. I can promise you, from experience, you will love again....and it gets only better.
The key is not to take the bad baggage (memories) with you.
Having been in bad relationships all my life, so much my family nicknamed me "Jerk Magnet"..and it stuck....I can really relate.
Heal, try to move on and build a new life for yourself and you only. Learning to live by yourself is tough but you can do it. Once you are in complete control of your own life....you can pick and choose anyone...
May 29th, 2005, 04:56 PM
Jillybean,I am sorry you had to sell,adorable Lincoln,but I hope to a wonderful home :sad:
This egotistical boyfriend,left you to take care of everything,without any thought of the animals you had together,or how you would be able to manage...
I agree with everyone,you are in a sense lucky to be rid of him,you could never build a life with someone,who admitted to probably cheat again..the trust is gone out with him and I don't think you would ever get it back.
You mentioned losing weight and getting back into shape and it's a great way to forget about the jerk!!!
I hope you still have the rest of your animals,they can be great comfort when you are down in the dumps,often more so than any person.
May 29th, 2005, 07:13 PM
:mad: what hes taking things on the premise of paying later? get stuffed. honey he has screwed you over, he left knowing you have bills etc. dont you let him take anyhing unless it is paid for in full before he leaves. casue once hes got it you sure wont see the money.
he did not care about the rent or electricity, so why shoudl you care if he has his car or such. jsut tell him his financial responsibilities mean he has to pay for what he takes to supliment him dipping out on bills and rent. inform him if he wants it either pay, or you will be havign a big yard sale to se what you can get for it, stress to him he has screwed you financially so yoru jsut trying to protect yoruself and cover his bills.
i have found with stupid men this has worked in the past, its surprising how much money they can get when they claim to have none. and well at least you found out who he is now, before anythign like kids happened, i know from experience how much it hurts, but get into independance and it will help you heal.
and now you will have a big fun learning experience becoming an independant and strong woman, who only needs a man when she so desires, have fun, dotn let it make you sad you must accept this so try and enjoy or developp interest in al the new things you will learn. and never ever forget - the best revenge is to live a long and happy life.
oh yes i too have a huge long list of arses, and certasinly one who cheated on me (i ended up catching him in our house with her, i got my baseball bat and taught him a lesson (i was only 17yo living with him, i was madly in love and he made me so sad so yes i know violence is wrong but i was young and devestated and did not know what to do), it sure did teach him but then i was arrested and charged (which taught me that a man is never worth it), oh what a man he was) at the time i thought i may jsut die from a broken heart, but here i am today so hang in there honey, it will all work out in the end. and we are here for you :grouphug: :grouphug:
May 30th, 2005, 09:51 PM
Melanie, you're telling it like it should be told. You are an inspiration for women pulling themselves up and being independent!
Jellybean, while it doesn't feel like it now, you're lucky to be rid of him!
May 30th, 2005, 11:30 PM
Personal opinion (past and present experience here)
Call a good family lawyer. Get yourself set up with some legal aid to pay for it. Get spousal support from the *rick to help you through this hard time until you get back on your feet. You are entitled to it as a common law spouse and you damn well should go after him for it!!
Trust me on this one, a lawyer will help you put alot of things in perspective. It's too bad you aren't in Ontario or I'd reccommend my lawyer... he's fair and straight up...and he knows the law inside and out.
After that appointment, You NEED to call your family doc and get yourself a clean check up. If he's confessed to one, you can count on 5! See your doctor for your own piece of mind. Better safe then sorry right?
As for Tanya? Well, you should probably shake her hand and offer your condolences to her! She's taking a Grade A *ssh*le off your hands! She'll get burned of course, but, that's her problem now :)
My mom has a saying that I've taken to heart during times like this ... "it's like water off a ducks back"
I know it sounds silly, but, just let it roll right off you...nothing sticks! You'll get through this, AND you'll be stronger, faster, smarter ;) (laura croft quote)
Chin up Love. PM me anytime you need to vent :D