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please give me some advice!!

Crazy Hippie
May 18th, 2005, 10:41 AM
Last weekend I was out at a pub with my b/f Jeremy and a bunch of our friends. Jeremy's friend Steve knowingly sat in some guy's chair (we didn't know the guy), and when the guy came back from the bar he told Steve to get out (Steve refused). So Jeremy and Steve exchange dirty looks with the guy for a while, then Steve gets up and pushes the chair a bit, says "take the chair...stop looking at me!" (we're talking about grown men here). The guy gets up and my b/f Jeremy kinda lunges over the table at him, trying to fight (later tells me he had to stand up for Steve...give me a break!). My friend Sandra's fiance grabs Jeremy back (trying to "protect" the guy), and Jeremy gets so angry that him and the fiance get into a nasty, swearing argument which ends with me escorting Jeremy outside to cool off. I am supposed to be a bridesmaid in this wedding for Sandra, by the way, but now Jeremy is uninvited! Of course I feel like this whole thing is Jeremy's fault, but I also feel bad that my friends have never really liked him (didn't even include his name on my wedding invitation and we've been together 2.5 yrs!) and I see this as their way of having a good reason to exclude him. Jeremy's argument is that the fiance should not have touched him and they never would have started fighting (believe me, the fiance did not have any good intentions either by stepping in). I feel so caught in the middle...if I stay in the wedding I'm not standing up for my b/f, but if I bail, Sandra will never forgive me. Aaahhhh! What is a girl to do? Please help me! The wedding is next month!

Copper'sMom
May 18th, 2005, 10:59 AM
Is there any reasoning with these people?? Was the incident merely due to alcohol? If the reason was because of alcohol, you could try to have your b/f and your friends come to an agreement of a limited amount he can drink at the wedding. I'm sorry, i don't know if alcohol was a big factor in this incident or not! Some men get huge egos when they've had a few to many!

Does your b/f really want to go to the wedding?? Because if he didn't, he just got himself out of going! Crumby for you though!

CyberKitten
May 18th, 2005, 12:03 PM
This is something that your boyfriend (I am assuming it is Jeremy?) brought on himself by not controlling his anger and really, unless he apologizes and really wants to attend the wedding, there is little you can do. It would be unkind and not very thoughtful for you NOT to attend since you are a bridesmaid - after all, you are not the one at fault here and you cannot be responsible for another adult's actions - (I am still thinking of the teenager thread, lol). All you can do is attend the wedding and if he apologizes, then perhaps he will attend as well.

I have no idea how long you have been together or why they dislike him so it is really hard to comment on anything else.

Lizzie
May 18th, 2005, 12:06 PM
Honestly, I say it's their wedding, their day. If they don't want someone at the wedding then that's their perogative. If you are her friend, and she's asked you to stand up for her, then I would suggest you go.

You mentioned that they never really cared for him anyways...so if it were me, this wouldn't really be a surprise. In the end, the day is about them, and ensuring that it's everything they want it to be...not about your boyfriend and his attendance.

I don't see how it would mean that you aren't defending him if you go to their wedding either...he did something they didn't like, and they've now uninvited him. The fact is, as you said, he DID do something wrong...so there's really nothing for you to stand up for. If they made something up then of course...

This is just my opinion. I don't believe in the requirement to invite all members of the family to weddings or even allow people to bring guests!! My feeling is that each person should be entitled to have the wedding that they want....with the guests they want.

Prin
May 18th, 2005, 12:52 PM
Speaking as a person in a relationship with someone that my family didn't really approve of and as someone whose man's family absolutely hates me, you have to decide if this relationship is long term enough to side with your man or your friends. If it was me, I'd side with my man. I know we have something lasting and we work hard at it and we are both happier together and if my friends have a problem, I can find new friends. Of course I'm stubborn as hell, so I wouldn't go to the wedding either, and I'd be open about why. My man is important to me and if he is not invited, I don't want to be either.

But like I said, you have to figure out if this man is really worth it to you.

Crazy Hippie
May 18th, 2005, 09:05 PM
Thanks for the input guys! Prin I think you're understanding why I don't want to go...I feel like we're a package, me and him, like he wouldn't go to a wedding without me but then I'd never do something so stupid to get myself uninvited....grrr I'm so frustrated! Alcohol WAS a major factor..he said he wouldn't drink at the wedding anyway but they don't care. Obviously I will have to give this some more thought. Thanks again for the input so far, I really appreciate it! :)

iRONKNiGHT
May 18th, 2005, 10:44 PM
i agree with what "Lizzie" says!
the truth can always be hurtfull...

Lizzie
May 19th, 2005, 07:32 AM
It's understandable that you are upset, but I wouldn't take it out on your friend. Consider it a lesson he's got to learn.

Also, you are two separate people. I think there is a common trend these days where young people feel they must be treated as a two for one deal when dating someone. This is not true (and is unfair to your friends)....as far as I am concerned, it's healthier to maintain your independence while being in a unified relationship. Situations like this are an example as to why.

Your friends decision to uninvite your bf has nothing to do with disrespecting your relationship. It has to do with your boyfriend and your boyfriend only.

Anyways, that's my two cents for today! Best of luck in your decision making!! :thumbs up

Blaze01
May 19th, 2005, 08:48 AM
Friends last forever! Your her bridesmaid and you should be there to support her...your boyfriend could be gone tomorrow (i hope not) but your friends are almost always there for you till the bitter end. This is one of the biggest days of your friends life just go and be there for her...you might need her to be there for you one day.

Luvmypit
May 19th, 2005, 01:12 PM
To be fair to crazy hippies its was under her impression that the fiance jumped in without good intentions and that they had already had a hate out for him. Jeremy is most definately an instigator but not truly the only guilty party in this decision not to have him attend the wedding.

Think of it if it was your husband your child you would have a hard time going knowing that they took a way a invite to your family member.
On the same note .. I dont know about saying no to a wedding as you will most definately lose friends...

happycats
May 19th, 2005, 01:39 PM
Friends last forever! Your her bridesmaid and you should be there to support her...your boyfriend could be gone tomorrow (i hope not) but your friends are almost always there for you till the bitter end. This is one of the biggest days of your friends life just go and be there for her...you might need her to be there for you one day.

I agree Blaze01 !!!! :thumbs up
When I was younger I had a boyfriend who liked to drink and shoot off his big mouth, well I was in a situation kinda like yours and had to choose between my friend and the drinking boyfriend, weeeeellll I stood by my man! And lost a great friend and ended up dumping the drinking fool in the end anyway! I still regret that decision to this day :sad: But as they say, we learn from our mistakes.

Blaze01
May 19th, 2005, 02:49 PM
I love when people agree with me Happycats! :crazy:

Crazy Hippie
May 19th, 2005, 04:21 PM
Thank you luvmypit for seeing my point of view. The groom was always someone my b/f tolerated for my sake - he (groom) once got mad at me for inviting them bowling with us b/c the place was packed, and another time cuz i invited them to a party and his truck had to go over lots of bumps in the driveway. I do feel like my b/f is a member of my family, and this couple is taking this a little too far...it's not like my b/f wanted to fight with them, he was siding with his friend in a fight with a stranger (which was still wrong I know). They will not accept an apology from him either. The bride has not been such a good friend the past few months, and also made it clear that they won't be going anywhere/doing anything with us as a couple ever again after this incident. If it was a better friend, I would feel more positive toward doing this for her sake, not that I won't....arrrgh I don't know! This has been such a disaster and I keep dreaming about it too..can't get it out of my head even when I'm sleeping! Thanks for taking the time to give me advice on this dilemma everyone! I really do appreciate it.

kandy
May 19th, 2005, 05:33 PM
Crazyhippie: The guy whose chair got taken was a total stranger and not with your group? I guess my first inclination would be that your bf's friend is not very considerate of others by knowingly taking someone's chair and then refusing to give it up. Was the pub that crowded that he could not have found an unoccupied chair? By your own admission, you are saying that you did not agree with the way the situation was handled (your bf jumping up and lunging at the other guy). Sounds to me like this gave your friend the excuse she needed to uninvite him to the wedding. One thing you didn't say is why your friends have never liked him and I would imagine that plays a big part if this was the last straw. If her friendship doesn't mean anything to you, then I would go to the wedding sans bf and not worry about it anymore since you won't be seeing the friend again. If you want to keep her friendship, you will probably have to look at why she doesn't like him and go from there. Perhaps if the bf sends a note apologizing and maybe explaining his actions it might change things. Sounds like everyone there was looking for a fight - and if that is something that happens frequently you might want to think about why. If your bf gets aggressive when he drinks, are you willing to suffer the consequences of that on a long term basis?? I know from experience that the aggression will sooner or later turn to you for an outlet. Probably not a very popular opinion, but just food for thought. Definitely a tough situation over something that could've been totally avoided with a little common courtesy.

Blaze01
May 20th, 2005, 09:34 AM
Well if your one of her bridesmaids i am sure you guys had to of had a decent friendship, right? I dont think going to her wedding would be siding with her. I just might be biased because I tend to stay truer to friendships than relationships.

Crazy Hippie
May 20th, 2005, 12:49 PM
Kandy..just wanted u to know I found your reply very useful..made me consider several things here...the aggression mostly. Jeremy writing them a letter is another good idea I hadn't thought of. I luv genuine feedback. As for why they don't like him, I never stated it because it's so STUPID..another friend of ours, the "fifth wheel" we shall call her, decided the first time she saw Jeremy she didn't like him and has always hated me spending time with him..she's admitted this but still acts the same way. She is very close to the bride and I think this is where the tension all began. OH, the MOH in this wedding just happens to be the fifth wheel and she was there the night of the chair stealing/lunging/yelling...most likely sitting back watching in her glory. I think I'm wasting my time worrying so much over this! I need a vacation...by myself...scheduled during the week of this wedding...maybe I won't come back...

melanie
May 20th, 2005, 04:49 PM
and if the bf and gf cannot grow up and actually get along like normal adults is that your fault?? i certainly would not let either parties childish behaviour get in the way of a wedding or relationship, jsut ignore them and get that dress on and have fun. :crazy:

lots of ppl dont get on in my life and i dont expect them to, i certainly dont let that stop me loving them or having relationships with them myslef or having fun :D :crazy: