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trust issues

raingirl
May 4th, 2005, 09:21 AM
Ok. I don't know why I do this to myself! The same thing happens everytime!

I asked my mother if she would like to have lunch or dinner today for her bday/mother's day. She said that would be nice. We agreed to meet half way between where we live, around 3 pm.

Now, Tuesday/wednesday is my mothers "weekend". She is a subway driver and works usually from approx 2 pm to 2 am. Therefore she usually sleeps in later than most people. Fine.

So she calls me Sunday night and says "can we meet after 5 pm"? Now...I already explained to her when making the arrangements that the reason we were meeting around 3 was to avoid rush hour!! If I go to meet her there at 5, I will spend 1.5 hours in traffic or more, but if I meet her there at 3, I only spend about 30 min in traffic. She is coming from Pickering, and I am coming from Brampton, and we are meeting at Yorkdale. You see, my mom doesn't wake up until 1 pm (I think she sleeps too much) and 3 was the earliest time we could agree on.

It's been like this FOREVER! We make plans and they she changes them. And what really suck is that even if I agreed to meet her at 5, she won't show until 6 or even later anyway because she is always late for everything. it will be "sorry I had to go do this" or "sorry I had to go do that".

She just doesn't care about making plans with anyone! She doens't think about other people or their schedules or whatnot. SHe is so selfish! I was trying to do something nice and now she all screwed it up!

And you know what her reason is for meeting later? She has other things she needs to do, and doesn't want to rush because it's her day off, and she needs to do them before the stores close at 5. BULL! If it were me and I had plans, I would get up a little earlier and just get the things done instead of being lazy and making someone feel bad! She has to return some solar patio lights to a garden centre. To a normal person, this should only take about 20 min max, in and out, but to my mother, this is a 2 hour affair! She just doesn't understand time management!

Grr..sorry for the rant. I just always make plans with her to do things, and think, "this time will be different, I explained to her how important the timing was etc etc" and yet every time she screws it up.

She is the reason I don't trust anyone! When Iwas in highschool she would say she would pick me up after school. School finishes at 3:20. I would drill it in her brain, 3:20. Yet, she would show up at 5!! It was so embarrasing and depressing because people would laugh and make fun of her, which made me feel bad too. My mom would be known as the person who is always late and never keeps promises. Once I was at a party and my mother picked me up an hour and a half after everyone else left. The parents kept saying "why don't you call her?" How do you explain to them that "its just how my mom is". If I would call her, she would be like "ok ok...i'm on my way out, I just need to finsh the dishes/cleaning/vacuuming/washing/putting the shoes away, etc etc". It's probably the reason I have a social anxiety disorder! I have a fear of what people think of me after all the embarrasing situations she put me through.

She also said she would call me last night as we didn't agree on a time yet, and did she call me? No. It's already almost 10:30 and I have no idea whether we are meeting today or not, and when! And I can't call her until after 1 pm.

Copper'sMom
May 4th, 2005, 09:51 AM
Raingirl, sorry about your situation! Sounds to me like your mom is a bit selfish, irresponsible or just not-with-the program!! I had problems with my mom when I was growing up. I was the grown up and my mom was the child! I can relate to your frustrations though! My SIL is like this. Drives me insane. She can be as slow as molasses! A sweet girl, but sometimes she lives in la-la land!

Princesss04
May 4th, 2005, 09:54 AM
I am sorry Raingirl! My mom is the same way. She left when I was a year old and my sister was one month. She has never wanted to be a mom and when she does she is the same as your mom you can never count on her and she only does things when it is good for her. I could never count on her growing up. I am sorry you have to go through this with your mom. I finally broke down and talked to her one day about all I felt. Have you done this with your mom. I had to come to a point in my life where I said you are not going to ruin my life and I thinkt that is what you need to do. If you need to talk I am here. :D

raingirl
May 4th, 2005, 10:07 AM
Thanks guys.

Yeah, i've told her on several occasions, as has my older sister, how annoying and selfish this is and she needs to smarten up, but nothing gets through to her. It's like talking to...a lump of coal!

My father was like this too, but it was easier to cut ties with him, and I haven't spoken to him since 1997. It's harder to ignore my mom because she calls me at least once a week!

It just pisses me off that I wanted to do something nice, take her out, and all, and she can't make our scheduled time because returning solar lights is more important!!

Why can't she get her lazy butt out of bed a little earlier, hop in the shower, get a coffee and muffin at timmy's, return the stupid lights, and head on over?? Even that shouldn't take an hour!

Copper'sMom
May 4th, 2005, 10:09 AM
You should tell her that Raingirl!

raingirl
May 4th, 2005, 10:14 AM
Oh I have. I've talked to her, yelled at her and even screamed and cried in front of her to try and get through to her, but she just does not get it. I don't think she ever will, no matter what anyone does. It's just how she is.

You should see it at holiday time. My older sis and I just want to make plans. If it were thanksgiving, it would be, come over around 3, dinner at 6, my mom would show up at 7...no call, no explanation other than "we got stuck doing something".

I've actually thought REALLY hard about not inviting her to my wedding when I get married. I just don't think I could deal with her BS. ON top of her being untrustworthy, she is incredibly embarrasing and has no social skills what so ever. She really does live in la la land!

Rita
May 4th, 2005, 10:29 AM
So sorry for your situation Raingirl :sad:
Have you ever tried leaving if she didn't show up on time? Like, if you are supposed to meet at 3pm and she's not there by 4pm (more than enough grace time) just leave and don't wait for her. It may sound drastic but maybe it might be an eye opener for her. She has to learn to respect you and your time schedule and realize that you can't/won't always accommodate her.
Just my 2 cents worth ;)

SarahLynn123
May 4th, 2005, 10:54 AM
So sorry to hear that. I had a friend like that and if she was 15 mins late Id leave and appologize later because I had plans. (I didn't but who cares) I dont have a cell phone and wouldn't go home so she had no way of contacting me. She is now very punctual! If I was in a good mood Id say supper is at 4 she'd show up at 6 and would be right on time!

IN your shoe's Id probably appologize because we couldnt work out a time and send her some flowers for mothers day if you like. She may come around when she misses you terribly. I hope so.

Take Care

raingirl
May 4th, 2005, 11:08 AM
I'm just tempted to cancel or just leave, however, I bought her old car from her a few months ago, and she has some tires to give me which go with the car that I really need soon (I'm driving on winter ones and it's not good to drive on them in warmer weather which is coming next week). And today is the last day I can get them from her, unless I wait until next week.

She also doesn't realise that because I have a dog now, my schedules aren't as flexible. I only have so much time before we have to be back to let the dog out!

anyway...I'll call her around 1 pm and hopefully she has her lazy butt out of bed by then

Daisy's Owner
May 4th, 2005, 12:08 PM
So sorry for your situation Raingirl :sad:
Have you ever tried leaving if she didn't show up on time? Like, if you are supposed to meet at 3pm and she's not there by 4pm (more than enough grace time) just leave and don't wait for her. It may sound drastic but maybe it might be an eye opener for her. She has to learn to respect you and your time schedule and realize that you can't/won't always accommodate her.
Just my 2 cents worth ;)

I'm with Rita on this one. If she doesn't show up, leave. If she try's to change the plans, cancel.

You aren't going to be able to change her sleeping in, or her 2 hour jaunts to the store, her lazyness or her selfishness. The only thing you can control is yourself. Crying, yelling, or talking are obviously not getting you anywhere except hurt. Actions speak louder than words.

shannon1233A
May 4th, 2005, 12:45 PM
I had the same problem with a friend of mine. This is how I handled it and it worked like a charm. If I wanted to go for lunch at 1:00 for instance, I made it a date for 11:00. Sure enough, she would be getting there just around 1:00 when I was also showing up, full of reasons "for being late, so sorry" etc. hehehe. I would always set a time for at least 1 1/2 hours BEFORE I really wanted to meet up. Because she was always late, to this day we meet at our ahmmm... scheduled time.

I came to understand it was an illness of sorts with her, it made her feel more important to have people wait for her. I was angry as well, it was selfish I felt for her to impose on my time, my feelings etc. Once I came to understand her illness, and feelings I was able to find a way around it and forgive her feeling that her time was more valuable than mine. I think that's what gets to us! Give my suggestion a try, hope it works.

pupyluv668
May 4th, 2005, 12:55 PM
remember the saying "we can never teach old dogs new tricks?" well, some people are just like that...another aproach is try doing the same thing to her so she would realize how it was hard for you through the years....but its mean i know....im not that kind of person too...

all i can say raingirl....you're lucky you know your parents....i never knew mine....that's why i'm so over protective to my kids and sometimes to smothering....my 19 yr old son hates it when i still call him baby...but i just want them to feel how a motherly love is....coz i never knew how that kind of love feels....im lucky to have been raised by a foster mother who was good enough to try to fill in all the roles that i needed in my life...but its always different when its your own....HUGS to you...you made me teary eyed here....sorry im too mushy... :(

raingirl
May 4th, 2005, 01:09 PM
Well....

I talked to her. She was willing to do 4 pm...which means she won't be there until 6. Oh well, I will aim for 6 then...but because of rush hour, I could be later or earlier, who knows!

She is also bringing my sis along. It's fine as she is the less annoying one, and I feel bad because he dog is dying (tumor-inoperable). I was hoping to buy my mom a new outfit for a gift, but this meal will break the bank for me, so unfortunately, that's all she is going to get.

Oh well...

Prin
May 4th, 2005, 03:10 PM
That's really cruddy of your mom, Raingirl. I think this is a control thing. By changing the time or showing up late, your mom controls the situation. I had friends like that. Every Christmas since I was 16 I have a dinner for my friends. A big turkey dinner. A huge group showed up at 10 one year when dinner was at 7. They didn't eat. "Sorry, you missed dinner, it was at 7." None of them have been invited back either.

Don't let her push you around. If you have to lie, lie. Say "Look, mom, this is the ONLY time I can make it. If you can't make it, I guess we'll have to do it some other time." And don't wait. Maybe constant trips for nothing will beat some sense in your mom. If it really bothers you, don't let her win. You have to teach people how to treat you. (I've finally learned that-- it takes a while)

I hope you find a way to lower your frustration. :)

Luvmypit
May 4th, 2005, 04:01 PM
Hang in there rain girl. Just rememebr her indifference is no reflection on you!
I have a step daughter that is lied to by her mom about picking her up, and says she calls when she doesn't , blames everyone else for her not being there for her daughter,,,,,
I spend hours drilling my step daughters head that its not her fault. HAs nothing to do with her and her mom loves her even though she doesnt always show it.

good luck

Bearsmom
May 5th, 2005, 02:16 PM
Sorry to hear about your troubles, raingirl.

I used to be like that with my mom, till she was diagnosed with cancer. Now all I can do is sit here and wonder if this Mother's Day will be our last together.

chico2
May 5th, 2005, 04:22 PM
Raingirl,one of the worst traits in any person is tardiness,it shows a lack of responsability and dicipline.
If I were you I would not let my mom get away with that,I would leave and send her some flowers for Mothers Day.
My mom taught me from a young age always to be on time,not keep anybody waiting and to this day I never have,it is just plain rude.
Everybodys time is important,not just your moms...
I would be really happy if one of my sons would take me to dinner,but that's never happened,they are always broke :mad: I did however get flowers from my son in Alberta and I really appreciated them,beautiful :thumbs up

kandy
May 5th, 2005, 05:55 PM
My dad was always late for everything. He never meant to be late, it just always worked out that way. My mom always told him that he had to be somewhere 2 hours before he actually had to be there - and most of the time he would make it on time when she did that. He always apologized for being late, and all of his friends, acquaintances, etc. knew that he wouldn't be on time. He even joked that he would be late for his own funeral. When he died of a massive heart attack in 1998, his sisters wanted my mom to have his coffin wheeled in to the church after the service had started - wasn't funny at the time, but we laugh about it now. Of course, she didn't have him wheeled in late but I think he would've thought it was funny if she would've.

I am sorry that your mom doesn't have more respect for you, but she probably doesn't think of it that way. If I was you, I would tell her to be there 2 hours before you actually want to meet - and then maybe she'll be close to being on time. :rolleyes:

CyberKitten
May 6th, 2005, 12:20 AM
Personally, I would not let anyone get away with that no matter who it is - mother, patient, boyfriend, university vice president. It shows total disrespect and by giving in to it, you do not respect yourself. You need to talk to her about it. Get it out or it will continue.

glasslass
May 6th, 2005, 07:58 AM
I don't think setting a time 2 hours earlier is the answer. My inlaws were always late so I started setting an earlier time. It worked the first couple times, then they realized what I was doing and became even more late because they knew I was probably fudging the time and didn't worry about being late. In other words, it backfired! It's no longer a problem now though because my father-in-law has passed on and my mother-in-law has to rely on my sister-in-law to bring her. Fortunately, she is more reliable! Just out of curiosity, what does your mother do and think when others keep her waiting, and waiting, and waiting?

raingirl
May 6th, 2005, 09:48 AM
Well...like I said, I don't know what my mother is thinking. She is in la la land, minding her own business. Imagine looking at someone and talking to them, and they look at you all blankly, and you know they aren't listening. That's how she is ALL THE TIME! It is literally like talking to a brick wall. In one ear, out the other. Doesn't listen when it doesn't suit her. She beleives her days off are for her and that's it, and if people demand something of her in that time, she doesn't care and does her own things. She doesn't think about other people. SHe doesn't care if she hurts our feelings, because she thinks we are hurting hers by asking her to make a commitment on her day off. I don't think that there is any way to change it.

I don't think there is anything we can do about it. My sister is 15 years older than me and says she has always been like this....for 40 years! Probably one of the reasons my father left her.

We agreed to meet at 6, and she got there at 6:30. Not that bad at least. And of course she showed up in "house clothes" (waffle pants (http://cottonmill.com/shop/images/pant_waffle.jpg) and an old northern reflections sweatshirt that of course didn't match, and a lumberjack jacket (http://www.blackmountainapparel.com/Graphics/Catalog_Page/Microfleece/Moose_Plaid_99_Full.jpg)!!)(and this was at Yorkdale!!! I was so embrassed)

Karin
May 6th, 2005, 02:48 PM
Shame on your mother for ruining your big day.

chico2
May 6th, 2005, 03:37 PM
Raingirl,there was a time when I felt like you do,my own mother did not come to my confirmation,graduation or wedding,it was not a big deal to her,but it certainly was a big deal to me...now,looking back,having 3 sons of my own,I know my mother was not as good a mother as I have tried to be,she was selfish and unreliable and did not care much about what happened to me,her only child.
I am assuming you still love your mother,with all her faults....the way she dresses would not bother me,I really don't care what other people think,but selfishness and ignorance would bother me...
Just because someone gave birth to you,does not necessarily mean they are a"mother"in every sense of the word.

raingirl
May 6th, 2005, 04:39 PM
I think my mother had a hard life though, so I really don't blame her that much. I can honestly say that I would have trouble saying that I love her, because I don't really beleive that I do deep down. She definately hasn't been the best mother, or the worst though...just closer to the worst side.

She had 5 kids, 2 before she was 20. One died when he was 13, her only son, she had 16 miscarriages before she had me, then had 2 more kids with my father, and he left just after the last one. She never had a job in her life, raised us on welfare, and it was only when I was about 14 she started to work things out for herself, went back to school, got a drivers license, etc etc...I think she is doing all the things now she wished she could have done a long time ago if she hadn't had kids so young.

Oh well...I'll let her live her life. At least I'm not obligated to invite her to my house for anything as she is allergic to dogs and won't come anyway!

chico2
May 7th, 2005, 07:22 AM
Raingirl,I agree,your mom seems to have had a rough life,as did mine and subsequently I.
But that gives her even more reason to be happy for what she now has,I know I am...and her kids are certainly not to blame for her missfortunes.

glasslass
May 7th, 2005, 09:49 AM
Not meaning to highjack this thread but had a thought as I was reading these posts. Not advocating spaying & neutering for humans, lol, but do you see the correlation here? My grandmother had a child every year as was common then. After 4 kids, she died having twins (#5 & 6). One twin also died. My own mom has 3, but also had one son that died a week after birth and 2 miscarriages. My generation was the first that really had access to effective birth control; the pill became available when I was in high school. Maybe earlier, but I only remember hearing anything about it when I was in HS. Now it's more a matter of education. But women have the opportunity now to control their reproductive lives and to be better mothers. There will always be those that can have large families and be wonderful mothers. There will always be those that can't handle the job, no matter how many or how few they have. There will always be medical problems we really have no control over too. Same as pets!