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Shot Down In Flames

April 18th, 2005, 02:09 PM
I posted a few days ago about travel ideas, and got some great suggestions. I have been mulling these over, and becoming really excited about planning this trip for my husband and myself.
In past trips, I have done all the planning booking etc. and we have always enjoyed our vacations.
The last one was three years ago - seems things have changed.

Turns out my husband doesnt want to fly, cruise - or take a vacation, period. There is no where he wants to go, he said.
He did suggest "I" could take a trip if it was important to me..
Oh. Thanks.
I dont know if I am over-reacting, but the fact that he rejects this idea is very hurtful and upsetting to me. I feel quite crushed. :sad: He is aware of this - doesnt change anything, however.

As it happens, a friend from Germany is visiting Canada, going on the Alaskan cruise with a charter group.. and suggested I come on this in Aug.

I feel strange taking a 'seperate" vacation -off travelling while he is at home?
Its not exactly what I had in mind. Also, I feel he may secretly resent it if I do go.

A compromise is apparently needed, but I'm not sure who should be making it -me or him?
I realize this is somewhat personal, but wondered if I could have a few impartial thoughts?
I may not be seeing the forest for the trees. I dont understand why he cant just do this 'for me" even, :(
Or should I just accept the fact that he doesnt wish to travel, not take it personally or try to force the issue?

April 18th, 2005, 02:18 PM
It sounds to me as though there is something below another reason he doesn't want to say as to why he doesn't want to travel. Did he give you a reason? Is he too tired? Maybe he's not just afraid of planes, he's afraid of travel??

I have barely done any travelling in my life and would jump at any chance to go anywhere, but I lack the $$$. It's still all so new to me (as a kid, we never went anywhere. I was always so jealous of those people who would go to Florida or anywhere with their parents). The first family vacation we ever went on in my life was when I was 21!!! (excluding camping).

I don't know your husband, but sounds like traveling stresses him out, and he would rather avoid the stress. I know for me, I hate driving. I fear driving, to the point that I would rather stay at home and avoid the stress then go out, even when I need to go out. I also have a social anxiety disorder, so groups of people and public places scare me. Maybe your husband has a generalized anxiety disorder?? If he was only scared of planes before, maybe the fear is getting bigger. I know with my fears, I feel the safest at home. Even though I love to go new places, I still get scared about seeing/meeting people, and still have a strong urge to stay home.

April 18th, 2005, 02:19 PM
Well this is your life and won't you resent him if you don't get to go?
I know I would. I would go and then when you get back entice him to go somewhere local for a vacation. Your in the most beautiful province in this country and I am sure you can convince him to stay somewhat local limiting it to a days drive and go hit a resort in B.C. Or lodge or rent a cottage. Try seeing where he would feel about staying somewhat local but still taking a vacation.
As for the cruise if you want to go go. One of you will end up resenting the other either way but atleast you gave him some options he said to go and you did so technically its his loss and he shouldnt complain.
If you feel really uncomfortable about him resenting you talk t him first. Make sure he knows how you feel. The best medicine is a good talk. Let him know your considering going but don't want him to say go if he doesnt mean it. But also explain to him that you will feel somewhat resentful also if you don't get to go anywhere.
i dont know if that helps.

April 18th, 2005, 03:05 PM
My hubby didn't have any interest either. I went to Germany and Austria for a month by myself to visit friends and had a great time. I travel a lot cheaper than he does. He wants to eat at expensive places. I'm happy grabbing local junkfood. It's not fun worrying about someone else not enjoying themselves. I was free to do whatever I wanted. Shopped all those places he would have hated. We don't all enjoy the same things. He shouldn't have to give up his interests if I don't share them. I shouldn't have to give up mine because he doesn't. We were attracted to each other as individuals. Why become mirror images of each other. I brought him back a pair of leiderhosen and a gorgeous silver pocket watch.

April 18th, 2005, 03:17 PM
I would talk with him and let him know how you feel about this. Let him know that you would like to go and it would mean alot to you but you do not want to go if it will cause problems bewteen you and him. Than ask him if he would like to go somewhere but stay close?

April 18th, 2005, 03:29 PM
I know many couples who travel seperately - in one case, the husband likes cold climates, the wife warm ones so he does Alaska and she goes to Hawaii. Even my parents who travel to Fla together - my dad is not keen on Europe so she and I usually go together. I have travelled with a friend and her son and hsi friend to Disney because her husband di not want to do Disney. And my ex travelled to numerous places without him and I without him (it had nothing to do with why he is an ex, lol). But we also travelled together -. So if I were you, I'd go. You proably will be mad at him and yourself if you do not go on the cruise and he will likely get over it. Some people just do not care to travel.

Rick C
April 18th, 2005, 03:29 PM

My two cents since you asked:

I see in your profile you are retired. May I suppose your hubby is as well?

As people get older, their desire to do some of these things changes. They become less willing to take on change.

Its interesting he used to like travel before, helping you plan, etc, etc. but it could be that his desire to explore the world has simply changed and that he genuinely just wants to stay at home. Don't discount it as an innocent possibility.

As to separate vacations, my wife went with her mother, brother and sister on the Rocky Mountaineer last fall and left me at home with the dogs and cats!! We're going to London next month together for our 20th anniversary. . . . BUT if I get up the gumption, I might go to Africa to do the Kiliminjaro thing next year, sans wife since that's not her thing but its something I'd like to get done before I get too old. She says she understands and plans to slap me on the butt with an "atta boy!!" as I fly away. Or so she says.

Similarly, your hubby invited you to take a separate vacation and unless its a tactic of the passive aggressive (Oh Fine!! You're Right, I'm Passive-Aggressive:" nice headline in the New York Times a few months ago) then I'd take him up on it.

But that's just me.

Rick C

April 18th, 2005, 03:37 PM
Shamrock,I've been married 40yrs this december,we've travelled a lot seen many places and always together.
This year hubby went on his own to visit a sister(found through the internet)in Martinique(french Carribean),he of course did not want to go alone,but he did..
I've been on so many planes,so many frustrating Air-Ports(especially Pearson),I really have no more desire to travel and your husband might feel the same.
Alaska is a place I always wanted to go to though..
Once he is on his own,he might feel different,I know I did,the first week was great,no cooking :thumbs up ,but by the second week I wanted him home and he felt the same.
The only travel I really like is going to South Carolina in October,driving is so much better than flying and the drive to Myrtle Beach is beautiful,I just wish I could take the cats,I always miss them :sad:
So,don't worry,go and enjoy yourself,I for one know what he feels like,not wanting to go.

April 18th, 2005, 04:25 PM
Thanks kindly for your input, everyone.

Rick, actually my husbands still working - will be retiring in a few more years.
It is he who should "really" be anticipating a holiday, away from the grind - you'd think.
I quit work several years ago to care for my elderly mother while she was on a wait list for a nursing home. I "intended" to return, but just never did.

Chico, yes what is bothering me most about this is the 'sentimental" slant I was putting on this trip. We also have our 40th wedding anniversary coming up, but in June. We can mark this occasion in many ways, and I am sure we will do something to celebrate.
I just thought a 'special" trip would be a memorable way to do it.
To suggest I travel alone seemed ( to me) highly insulting and insensitive.
At another time, I wouldnt see it this way necessarily.

He want looking at it in this same light, apparently, and doesnt wish to travel his own reasons. Maybe a simpler trip, a closer desination, weekend getaway might work - a plan B might be possible.
I cant deny that I'm very disapointed on several fronts, but i'm sure I will get over it. This was MY idea, not his. You know what happens when you "assume".;)
And for Alaska, its a place I've always been interested in as well, and will consider this carefully - as something entirely seperate from our marriage and its milestones.

April 18th, 2005, 06:05 PM
Maybe I am young but I think as long as everything else in your marriage is working, it should not be a "deal-breaker". I would sit him down and express how you feel though. How about a weekend away instead? If he doesn't go for that, personally, I'd worry but I am a worry-wort and over-analyser...

April 19th, 2005, 07:46 AM
Prin,after 40 yrs of marriage,hubby and I are like two peas in a pod,we do EVERYTHING together,have the same interests etc...he has no interest in"going out with the boys"prefers my company :D :D
Sure,at first I felt a wee,wee bit of concern,Island-girls and all that :rolleyes: and he is a handsome man,but it was my idea not his,for him to go alone.
Unless there already is problems in the marriage,I would not be too concerned,a little break is sometimes good,you don't know what you have until it's gone..
We once went on a weekender in Niagara Falls,stayed at ultra-expensive Sheridan at the falls,super luxurious and enjoyed every minute of it,a great idea for an anniversary...but 2 days was enough :D