thedoog
April 11th, 2003, 05:31 PM
THINGS A DOG MUST REMEMBER
1. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.
2. I should not suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee
table.
3. I will not roll my toys behind the fridge, behind the sofa, or under the
bed.
4. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house.
5. I will not eat the cats' food, either before they eat it or after they
throw it up.
6. I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet inthe
house when I am about to be sick.
7. I will not throw up in the car.
8. When at the beach, I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc. no
matter how good they smell.
9. Kitty box crunches, although tasty, are not food.
10. I will not eat any more Kleenex or napkins and then re-deposit them
after processing, in the back yard.
11. The nappy bin is not a cookie jar.
12. My humans' toothbrushes are for the exclusive use of my humans. If they
want me to have one, they'll get me one.
13. I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones, so
thatwhen I throw up, my people will not assume I am hemorrhaging.
14. When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down
onrainy days.
15. We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.
16. I will not steal Mom's underwear and dance all over the backyard with
it.
17. The sofa is not a face towel, neither are Mom & Dad's laps.
18. My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
19. I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's
license and car registration.
20. I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.
21. To avoid having a string hang out of my butt, I will not eat
mint-flavored dental floss out of the bathroom garbage.
22. I will not consider rolling around in the dirt a necessity first thing
after getting a bath.
23. I will remember that sticking my nose into someone's crotch is an
unacceptable way to greet visitors.
24. I will not hump on any human leg, no matter how attractive.
25. I will not fart in my owner's face while I am sleeping on the pillow
next to their heads.
26. I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt across the
carpet.
27. I will not consider the toilet bowl a magical, never-ending water
supply, in spite of clear evidence that it is.
28. I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch when
company is here.
29. I will remember that suddenly turning around and smelling my butt can
quickly clear a room, and is thus to be avoided. Except when in-laws are
here.
30. The cat is not a squeaky toy, so when I play with him and when he makes
that noise, it's usually not a good thing.
31. Even though he's too chicken to come on Sundays, the mailman WILL be
back and I'll have another shot at him.
1. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.
2. I should not suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee
table.
3. I will not roll my toys behind the fridge, behind the sofa, or under the
bed.
4. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house.
5. I will not eat the cats' food, either before they eat it or after they
throw it up.
6. I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet inthe
house when I am about to be sick.
7. I will not throw up in the car.
8. When at the beach, I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc. no
matter how good they smell.
9. Kitty box crunches, although tasty, are not food.
10. I will not eat any more Kleenex or napkins and then re-deposit them
after processing, in the back yard.
11. The nappy bin is not a cookie jar.
12. My humans' toothbrushes are for the exclusive use of my humans. If they
want me to have one, they'll get me one.
13. I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones, so
thatwhen I throw up, my people will not assume I am hemorrhaging.
14. When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down
onrainy days.
15. We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.
16. I will not steal Mom's underwear and dance all over the backyard with
it.
17. The sofa is not a face towel, neither are Mom & Dad's laps.
18. My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
19. I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's
license and car registration.
20. I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.
21. To avoid having a string hang out of my butt, I will not eat
mint-flavored dental floss out of the bathroom garbage.
22. I will not consider rolling around in the dirt a necessity first thing
after getting a bath.
23. I will remember that sticking my nose into someone's crotch is an
unacceptable way to greet visitors.
24. I will not hump on any human leg, no matter how attractive.
25. I will not fart in my owner's face while I am sleeping on the pillow
next to their heads.
26. I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt across the
carpet.
27. I will not consider the toilet bowl a magical, never-ending water
supply, in spite of clear evidence that it is.
28. I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch when
company is here.
29. I will remember that suddenly turning around and smelling my butt can
quickly clear a room, and is thus to be avoided. Except when in-laws are
here.
30. The cat is not a squeaky toy, so when I play with him and when he makes
that noise, it's usually not a good thing.
31. Even though he's too chicken to come on Sundays, the mailman WILL be
back and I'll have another shot at him.