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Letter To The Bank

January 20th, 2005, 10:57 AM
The attached is an actual letter that was sent to a
bank by a 96 year-old woman. The bank manager thought
it amusing enough to have it published in the New York
To whom it may concern,

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with
which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my
calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed
between his depositing the check and the arrival in my
account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of
course, to the automatic monthly transfer of funds
from my modest savings account, an arrangement which,
I admit, has been in place for only thirty-one years.
You are to be commended for seizing that brief window
of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30
by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this
incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial
ways. I noticed that whereas I personally attend to
your telephone calls and letters, when I try to
contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal,
overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your
bank has recently become. F! rom now on, I, like you,
choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My
mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and
hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at
your bank, by check, addressed personally and
confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you
must nominate. Be aware that it is an offense under
the Postal Act for any other person to open such an

Please find attached an Application Contact Status
form which I require your chosen employee to complete.
I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I
know as much about him or her as your bank knows about
me, there is no alternative. Please note that all
copies of his or her medical history must be
countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory
details of his/her financial situation (income, debts,
assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by
documented proof. In due course, I will issue your
employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in
dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter
than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the
number of button presses required of me to access my
account balance on your phone bank service. As they
say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
Please allow me to level the playing field even
further. When you call me, you will now have a menu of
options on my new voice mail system to choose from.

Please press the buttons as follows:

1. To make an appointment to see me.

2. To query a missing payment.

3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I
am there.

4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am

5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am
attending to nature.

6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am
not at home.

7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to
access my computer is required. Password will be
communicated to you at a later date to the Authorized

8. To return to the main menu and to listen to
options 1 through 7.

9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The
contact will then be put on hold, pending the
attention of my automated answering service. While
this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait,
uplifting music will play for the duration of the

Regrettably, but again following your example,
I must also levy an establishment fee
of $50 to cover the setting up of this new
arrangement. Please credit my account
after each occasion.

May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less
prosperous, New Year.

Your Humble Client,

(Remember: This was written by a 96 year old woman)

Grissom's Mom
January 25th, 2005, 08:17 AM
I hope I'm that sharp at 96!

January 25th, 2005, 08:28 AM
That was great ;)